


LITTLE JOSHY, A VERY EVENTFUL TRANSFORMATION

by Nami_Dragneel



Category: Original Work
Genre: ABDL, Abuse, Accidents, Age Play, Diapers, Dry Humping, Fluff, Healing, Humiliation, Infantilism, M/M, Masturbation, Mittens - Freeform, Sex, The best friend is gonna find out, Violence, Wet & Messy, bottles, highchair, spoon feeding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:01:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 111,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24608128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nami_Dragneel/pseuds/Nami_Dragneel
Summary: Josh is a college student, hot, straight and living his best life. He always gets the girl, has no problems bigger than what to do on the weekends and loves the image and reputation he's built for himself. But like everyone else, he has a secret, a shameful secret that he dares not share with anyone. He has been keeping it deep within himself for the better part of his life, and now he's revealed it to someone, perhaps it was fate, perhaps just chance. Follow along gentle friends for this story is the story of how allowing one sweet moment of indulgence, can change your life forever, at least for Josh it did.
Comments: 34
Kudos: 142





	1. CHAPTER 1: JOSH'S LIFE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little abdl story I have been working on, I've also posted it on another page under my other pseudonym, coolfortunatelycoldboquet. It's my first abdl story, so comments and suggestions are welcome, hope you enjoy!!
> 
> PD: the first chapters have some clumsy parts, I hadn't written in a while and had to get used to it again. As you keep on reading you'll notice the writing style change a bit, that's because I'm also using this story to practice my writing and improve. Once I finish the whole story I will edit the first chapters from 1 to 7. Anyway, hope you enjoy it!!!!

CHAPTER 1: JOSH'S LIFE

Josh Adams, captain of the football team and "playboy professional" was about to see his whole life change dramatically. He'd moved to New York for college, and he loved his life away from home, and especially the freedom it provided. With his looks, it was no wonder that he'd been noticed on campus almost immediately, and that allowed for a lot of fun. Since moving to the dorms, and taking his position as the captain of the football team, he'd had his fair---or more than fair--share of hookups, but at the age of twenty it was all about enjoying life, and so that's what he planned to do.

His phone beeped, and he saw a text message from Andrew "are you coming or not?", Josh read. They had a party to attend. He replied, picked his keys and wallet from the dresser and headed towards the door. He'd almost forgotten about the party. The fact that he was this distracted spoke volumes as to how nervous he was; the truth was that he had a secret that he kept buried within the farthest depths of himself. Something so at odds with his usual countenance that nobody would believe it if the knew it. While most people have secrets, his was a secret that was laced with the deepest sort of shame, but there was also exhilaration in it, one just had to dig a little deeper to find it. Josh was interested in adult baby play. He had been for a very long time; he loved seeing Tumblr posts and watching the videos that were sure to be uploaded every week, seeing those cute garments adorning the boys and girls and how they liked to act cute and "little" brought him a strange sort of happiness. He did not want to take care of an Abdl girl, he wanted to be the baby, to be taken care of, as strange as that might sound at his twenty years of age, he felt the need to let go and just be. He'd been struggling with that notion for most of his teenage years, ever since he had found adult babies and the whole ABDL world existed, and his utmost desire to be treated like one. Josh had had tons of wet dreams and fantasies on the subject but had never dared to act on them, fearing someone might find out, and the humiliation of that......, he did not think he could take it. Part of him loved the idea of trying the role play, but a more significant part of him, the more masculine, strong alpha part of him, was terribly ashamed of that need. So he'd half convinced himself that he had enough just fantasizing over it all his life, that there was no real need to try it.

That had lead to so many moments when he'd been extremely mad. Moments when he'd tried to extricate himself from the community, to damn it all and just forget about it, to try and just like "normal" stuff........but every time he decided to go a couple of weeks without watching some ABDL porn, he grew very angsty and restless. Sure, he could enjoy vanilla porn too, but it just wasn't the same, it did not take the edge off, not completely.

A year ago, like countless times before, he'd logged in on an adult baby forum, as usual, not expecting anything to come out of it. He mostly liked to talk to other people about his fetishes behind the protection of his computer screen. He had done it before, buried beneath the comfort of his blankets, his face only lit by the bluish light of his laptop screen, he felt sort of safe there, as if that way nobody could find him out. Every time he talked about abdl to someone, he ended up backtracking when the conversation went in a more personal direction. Discussing ABDL fantasies was okay, but talking about his personal life was a huge no-no. He wanted a mummy, but he knew he would die of embarrassment if he ever allowed a girl to see him like that,----especially because he was known for being a tough alga-sort of guy--- and the idea of a guy taking care of him just didn't sit well with him.

He had logged so many times only to delete his account, it was a vicious circle. He'd get off on Abdl stories, he'd scroll down Tumblr accounts while jerking off, and when that was not enough, he'd get into chats and strike a conversation or two. He liked the idea of talking to people that were like him, it made him feel less weirded out by his fetishes, and truth be told, he didn't like to feel so alone. It felt odd to him to need this----this thing, but he could not deny it, it was there, like a small flower spurting to life in a snow-capped field, it stood out, it gave him the sort of light he needed to go on with his life. The conversations he had on chats were brief and more a way to get fap material than to actually try to meet other people. But that had changed a year ago when he entered into his ABDL profile and saw a message sent by a guy that picked his curiosity. The man had texted him:

_"Hello Josh, I'm Matt. I also live in the area of New York. I like your profile, and I would very much like to get to meet you. I do know you are not interested in guys, and I wish to tell you that I want none of that from you, for me, this is all about caring, and not about sex. If you are okay talking to me for a while, message me, and let's get to know each other."_

Josh was used to receiving messages due to his profile picture, which obviously did not show his face, only his shirtless body. Those messages were or very dull or very sexual, which ultimately turned him off. But he could not lie. A year ago it had been even harder to contain his desires. It had felt as if his fantasies had been piling up gradually until they had filled him whole, threatening to spill out of him. They had been a wave, crushing over him in a cold day, and drenching him whole. He'd found himself dreaming more often about the same thing, him in diapers being taken care of by a hot girl. The reality was that he wanted to experience the whole thing, and he'd been craving it for a long time.

Matt's message had been respectful and friendly, and so he had started talking to him. Matt was in his mid-thirties, tall and quite handsome-- if the photos he'd sent were to be believed. He had a passion for sports, especially football, which suited Josh just fine. And he was a lawyer. In the year they had been chatting, they'd covered almost everything, from studies to sports, friends, kinks…; for a whole year they had gotten to know each other, every little desire and fantasy, every like and dislike, until finally, the unavoidable had happened. Matt had asked Josh if he wanted to meet in person. At that, Josh had been about to just delete his account and be done with it, he'd felt like he would not be able to look the guy in the eye comfortably after all he had told him of his baby fantasies. At least not without wanting to crawl into a hole and disappear from the face of the earth. But something had made him pause, he'd sat there, looking at the words written on his computer screen for what had felt like hours, pondering everything. Something deep inside him told him that he could not go all his life without trying his fantasy at least once, not that he was going to, but talking about it in person with someone that actually knew about abdl----- that could help, and who knows, perhaps it opened him up to the idea of trying it for real. If Joshy had to talk about it with someone, he was sure it could only be with someone with whom he had already built some trust. After much thought and an anxiety attack, he had relented and agreed on meeting Matt. They were supposed to meet at the end of the semester, it had seemed super far away when they had first discussed it, but what do you know? Time had flown by, and now, the day when they were supposed to meet was around the corner.

Josh was thinking about what he expected from their first meeting while he made his way to the end of the semester party. He had just checked himself in the mirror, so he knew he looked dashing, his blond locks had been a little too long, but the contrast with his deep turquoise eyes and chiseled jaw.....he knew what girls, and some guys, though when they saw him, he smirked at the thought. At least he had the looks going for him. He just had to take one thing at a time, first the party, and then whatever came next. As he was nearing the elevator, he could feel his stomach twist, his legs felt like jelly, and for a moment he felt like he was going to puck. Part of him was excited, exhilarated even, at the prospect of meeting Matt, because if the meeting went well, not only he'd finally meet a guy he'd thought. of as a friend for a while now, but he'd have his first real friend within the community and maybe,------just maybe that would give him the strength to eventually try his ultimate fantasy. But on the other hand, he was going to meet with this guy he'd met online, with whom he had been talking for a year about his deepest fantasies and secrets. This guy, who now knew him better than any of his friends did, was going to be in front of him in person, ready to judge him and his shameful preferences. It had taken Josh a while to open himself up to Matt, but he'd finally done it, and now it could all lead to disaster. What if he judged him? what if he could not take the embarrassment? Or what if he was a horrible dude in person and threatened him or something? There were just too many variables. The truth was, Josh was strong enough to push someone down if need be, so he shouldn't be so-----so nervous. The contents of his stomach threatened to spill everywhere, like an open faucet with a broken handle. Josh leaned against the cool metal elevator wall and breathed deep. Everything was going to be okay. One step at a time.

He was still mulling about this when he met Andrew in the lobby, and from there, he had trouble remembering the whole night. He had some vague feeling of dancing with Jessica and drinking far more than his fair share of beer. The party had ended far too soon, and now he laid awake in a stranger's bed. A naked girl, he didn't even know clinging to him. Alcohol had always been a way to numb himself from feelings, and yesterday, he'd needed every last drop of it. The soft light filtered through the opened windows illuminating the floor of the small room to reveal the wreckage from last night. There were empty cans of beer on the floor, clothes--his clothes he presumed--were discarded by the door, and beside the bed, there were some used condoms strewn on the floor. So they had gone at it more than once Josh though. And despite everything that was going on, he smirked, bringing the sides of his lips upward, and showing those dimples so many girls squealed over.

Josh slowly crept up, trying not to lose his balance, and a splitting headache spurted on. He went to find his pants and retrieved his wallet from his back pocket. A wild night he supposed, not that he remembered much of it. By the looks of the girl peacefully sleeping on the bed, it had to have been one heck of a night. He was known for being wild in bed after all, and maybe a little too rough. He looked down at his own body and saw some faint scratch marks, he smirked, he was sure she had enjoyed it.

He opened his wallet and retrieved some Tylenol, experience made him always carry one or two pills just for this very reason. Once that was settled, he dressed up and went to the bathroom, seeing his reflection in the small mirror hanging on the wall, he had a severe case of bedhead, his blond locks pointing in different directions, there was some redness on the corners of his eyes and one or two hickeys on his neck. Not too bad all things considered. He splashed some water on his face and, waving an unnecessary goodby to a very sleepy girl he didn't even know, got out of the room.

He made his way downstairs, and once outside, the sun blinded him monetarily, which did not help his headache one bit. He was defiantly hungover. He fished his phone from his pocket and checked the messages. There were a couple of texts from Andrew, one from Rayan, and another from Matt. He checked the last one first. He had given him his number, he'd never done something like that before, but for convenience reasons, it had been necessary. Matt had sent him the location of the restaurant in which they were to meet. They were supposed to have a nice lunch and see where things went. Of course, Matt knew Josh was not gay, which he had made sure to tell him on various occasions during the year they had been talking, just to be sure. He had nothing against homosexuality, but it just was not for him, other than recognizing how cute a guy could look in Abdl gear, the male body had no appeal to him.

As he kept on walking towards his dorm, Josh could not help that nagging feeling that was gnawing on the pit of his stomach. It was normal to be nervous, he kept on telling himself, especially when he was about to take such an important step. He just didn't like feeling so----so weak. He tried distracting himself on his way, trying very hard not to let his thoughts run rampant.

When he got home, he got undressed, discarding his clothes on a heap by the bed, and padded to the bathroom. On his way, he caught a glimpse of his body on the large wall mirror that covered one side of his room. There were some definite scratch marks on his torso and back. Meeting Matt after such a wild night was probably not the best of ideas. He could clearly see the signs of that wildness showing on his face. But he had needed the distraction, needed to drown his fears and anxiety in the music and the dancing and the sex. He'd needed that exhaustion---- that bone-deep exhaustion he was feeling now, in order to brave their first meeting. While he was showering, the warm embrace of the water releasing some of the built-up tension from his muscles, he kept thinking about his meeting with Matt. The guy seemed really nice, and they liked similar things, surely they would not feel awkward, after all, they had been talking for so long, it felt like they were real friends now. This was no different than going out for lunch with Andrew. Well, that was not true, was it? After all, Andrew, or any other of his friends, didn't know anything about his most embarrassing part. He didn't know if he could actually survive the humiliation of it all. To be there, sitting face to face with someone who knew his deepest fantasies......Josh's body shook a little, and he forced himself to breathe slowly. Full deep breaths, as the water cascaded down his hair, forming streams that ran the harsh planes of his well-toned body, to end their journey swirling down the drain. The same thought was repeating on his mind, he kinda trusted Matt, but he hadn't really seen the guy in real life, what if things got super awkward? or worst yet, what if he threatened to expose Josh? Nooo, that was impossible, there was no proof and no way to relate those conversations to Josh, he could always deny it. After all, their whole friendship had developed on the forum, and obviously, Josh's profile did not let on anything that could identify him in real life on the slightest. That would have been nuts. And about Matt having his phone number, he could have gotten it from anywhere, literally. Also, exposing him could work both ways. He did not have any pics of Josh where he could see his face, nor any identifiable parts, he'd been dead serious on making sure of that. No, he was just being paranoid. He trusted Matt, at least enough to meet him, he'd never shown any sign of being a bad person, and Josh could fend for himself against pretty much anyone. He was six foot two and strong as fuck, he was the damned captain of the football team, and he was not going to be a pussy now. No, he'd be alright. He just needed to pull himself together and get through the first minutes of unavoidable awkwardness. He'd sure gone through worst in his life, this----this he could take. He owed it to himself, and to Matt to at least show-up.

He was still mulling over all of that when he got out of the shower, his legs trembling slighly. After a good shower, he felt a little more ready to face this. He started to dry himself whilst thinking of how much he wanted to enact his fantasies, our at least talk to someone face to face about them. And who knew, maybe after a while, he'd be able to cope with having a mummy. Perhaps having conversations with someone into the same lifestyle would help him accept that part of himself. Also, he knew there were thousands upon thousands of people, some as manly as he was, who were partaking in this fetish, and who had to, at some point, have started experimenting, right? His heart was beating loudly, thumping nonstop inside his chest. One thing was tapping at the idea, a gentle feather touch upon the notion, and another was diving right through it with no brakes to stop.

He was not going to backpedal now; he knew himself, knew what he was doing, he was trying to find a good enough reason to back down. To forget about it and never cross that line again. But not this time, he had made his mind, he would go, meet Matt, and see from there. Worst come to worst, he only needed to get out of the restaurant, and that would be that.

And so with those thoughts in mind, he started preparing his duffle bag with some essentials, just in case, he decided to stay for the weekend with Matt. The guy had invited him to spend the weekend at his place, watch some football and talk if everything went well at their first meeting. Not that he had agreed yet, but if things went well, why not? Again, this was just in case, not that he had already decided to stay at a stranger's place, right? He didn't even know what he was thinking anymore; everything seemed to be mixing in his head. A whirlwind of thoughts taking him whole, a tornado wreaking havoc inside his mind. He leaned against the door, his head propped against its cold wooden surface, and took a deep breath, trying to stop his body from shaking so much. Josh was strong as heck, no need to panic. He somehow felt as if he had to remind himself of that fact over and over, lest he'd forget that he, almost alone, had pulled himself out of his tragedy before; that he had been able to endure one too many fucked up things in his life. This was no different, he just needed to calm. the fuck. down. He bumped his fist against the door, its surface rattling with the force of it. This was going to be alright, he just needed to take things slowly and Matt-----Matt knew how nervous Josh was, he had promised to be chill.

Josh packed a couple of pants, some basket shorts, a few shirts, his phone charger, his bag of toiletries, some boxers and socks, and a baseball cap. He had just bought it last month and still hadn't had a chance to use it. With that done, he went to the kitchen and fixed himself a small snack, just for the road. The fact that he wasn't even going that far, and he was preparing himself a meal before eating out with a guy he met online, spoke volumes of his building anxiety. 

He headed outside and got into his car, leaving the duffle bag in the passenger seat. He had been sitting behind the wheel for what seemed to be an eternity in deep contemplation when he heard his phone beep, the vibration making his heart almost leap from his chest. He clenched his hands in the steering wheel and when he felt like they had stopped shaking long enough for him to deem it acceptable, reached for his phone inside his jean's pocket. As expected, lots of messages, nothing new there. Some, and some meant at least thirty, form Andrew asking what he was up to today and prompting him to reply to his previous texts; a couple from random girls he hadn't even bother saving the numbers of, and one from Matt. Josh stared at the screen and gulped, his throat going dry. Suddenly this whole thing felt incredibly real. Perhaps way too real. He unlocked his screen with shaking hands, and read, "I'm heading there, I'll get us a table, so get in when you arrive." Josh paused for a second. This guy was so considerate, and here he was about to chicken out. No, he was going to meet him at the very least, he owed him that much after how nice he had been.

He typed, "okay, I'm heading there now, kind of nervous, see you soon, I guess." He pressed send and exhaled all the air he didn't realize he had been holding. Not even a minute later, Matt replied, "Don't be, I told you I'm chill, and I am sure we'll get along. We can discuss everything here, do not feel, by any means, like you owe me anything. You are just coming for us to meet, and we'll take it from there." Josh nodded to himself; he knew that he could just go meet him and see what happened. Matt wasn't pushing him to do anything.

And so, mustering as much courage as he could, he started the car and drove to meet his new and only friend into abdl. This whole thing felt like a whole new adventure for which he had been preparing his whole life.


	2. CHAPTER 2: FATEFUL MEETINGS

CHAPTER 2: FATEFUL MEETINGS

Josh parked his car in an empty spot behind the restaurant. It was a small place of Italian cuisine that seemed to be teeming with people. How were they going to talk about Abdl staff if they were surrounded by people? Maybe this had been a bad idea from the start. His legs started shaking....... Nope, he was doing it again, he was not backing down now. He left his duffle bag in the car since it would be weird to get inside with it, and it would also send a message, it would look as if he had made a decision about staying with Matt for the weekend, and the truth was, he hadn't, not yet anyway. He looked at himself in his rearview mirror and rearranged his hair, he really should have slept more, the red in his eyes was less obvious now, but still there, and his skin looked a little pale, whether that was from lack of sleep or nerves, he did not know. He stilled himself for a second and gathering all his courage, got out of the car, startling himself when he slammed the door a little too harshly, and the whole thing rattled. When he felt like he wasn't going to puke, he marched into the restaurant.

When he got in, two things happened, some of the girls seating in booths with friends or family, looked at him, eyeing him up and down with a sort of lust that he was all too familiar with; He was used people gawking at him, but under the current circumstances, it only made him want to dash for the door and move to Idaho, possibly after changing his name. It felt as if everyone inside the restaurant knew what he had been talking to Matt about, what he had come here to talk about. He knew it was impossible, that people couldn't read minds and nobody would be assuming that at first glance but...but....his mind reeled with horrible thoughts, and he would have bolted right then, if not for the second thing that happened. For he saw Matt sitting at a table, illuminated by the bright light from the large window behind him, waving at him with a huge smile plastered on his face. He looked better than in pictures, which was kind of annoying from a guy's point of view. His smile made Josh think of the type of trustworthy guy you would never have to fear anything from. He was wearing an expensive-looking shirt and a pair of faded blue jeans, all of it clinging to his muscled form. Even sitting down, Josh was sure the guy was tall, possibly taller than him, at that was saying something. Altogether, Matt looked very neat and well kept. Someone who took care of his appearance. It was that open and warm expression that deterred Josh from his previous thoughts of running away. As Josh got closer, incredibly self-conscious about the number of people that were in the restaurant, he saw that Matt looked even younger than on his pics, he looked in his late twenties, not mid-thirties. Josh knew that it had been kind of unfair not to send his pics to Matt when he'd been so open and ready to send his. Granted, Josh had never asked for them, but still.... seeing Matt's open expression and that charming smile, Josh could not help but feel a pang of sadness for him. After all, their conversations had been more about Josh than about Matt. Strange how these things only come to your mind in this kind of situation.

When he got to the table, his legs shaking very much still feeling like jelly, Matt stood up and without any warning, gave him a hug. And for a moment, the whole world froze, Josh wasn't a stranger to physical contact between men, he was an athlete after all, but under the current circumstances, it shocked him. His whole body went taut, his muscles tensing so much he thought they would snap. There was nothing to feel self-conscious about, they were just two buddies greeting each other, at least that's what people would see from the outside. He really needed to get a grip on himself, he was overreacting big time. After what felt like an eternity, he returned the hug, not being able to help but notice Matt's sweet and strangely comforting scent, and his muscular and well-defined physique. The guy worked out alright. He was also so.... so warm and comfortable that Josh, despite himself, sighed, a slight flush covering his cheeks. Matt did not notice or ignored it, thank God for that, and drew back, smiling brightly at Josh. He motioned for him to sit down on the chair opposite him, and Josh, grateful his legs hadn't given up from so much shaking, plunked down on the chair. He was having a very emotional day, he should not judge himself too hard now.

————  
Matt could not believe his luck, he'd been waiting in the restaurant for Josh when the actual guy had entered the place. For a moment his breath had left him, and he'd had to focus real hard on how to breathe. So.......so beautiful, not the usual sort of pretty where a guy just stands out, this was the sort of beauty that stuck with you. The boy could have starred in an ancient Greece movie. The feature that had almost made Matt run for him and hug him were those eyes.....turquoise blue, he had not fully believed it when Josh had described them to him over text when Matt and asked him what his favorite feature was. He'd said that people usually described them as "turquoise blue", and people, it seemed were right. They were a rich, vibrant blue, the likes of which Matt had never seen. It had almost taken all his self-restraint not to run for him, too see Josh, looking like a lost puppy at the entrance of the restaurant, with so many people looking in his direction.

Matt had been talking to him for a year now, and at first, he hadn't taken it very seriously. After all, who knew if his profile pic was actually him? you could not even see his face, after all. But that was not entirely strange in the Abdl community; most people liked to keep their privacy. It was a very secretive kind of lifestyle. Even though he'd talked to numerous people, he'd never known someone who actually clicked with him just as much as Josh had. From their fetish tastes to their regular tastes, they were a perfect match. And Josh seemed so innocent while chatting to him, asking him questions about what it was like to be a daddy, or how he took care of adult babies, it had been incredibly endearing. The only drawback had been that Josh was not gay, but even so, Matt had still wanted to get to know the boy, he felt like he'd finally found his boy, and the last thing he'd needed was to see how he really looked like. And now, it seemed, fate did not disappoint. He drew everyone's attention, and Matt, not a stranger to people's glances, could not help but smile. He was indeed all he had expected and way more. So much so that he could not have resisted hugging him. Initially, he had wanted to shake hands, especially since reading the text Josh had sent him before and how nervous he was. But the guy was just too much for him to contain himself. He'd looked so cute, standing there looking at the floor, a light flush covering his cheeks.

Hugging him, he had felt his hard muscles, and scented the fresh smell of someone who's just recently showered. And that small trace of red on his cheeks. Truly the sight of adorableness. Matt had come with a proposition, he had not told Josh much about it, other that he wanted to spend the weekend together to chat and get to know each other, and he did not know how the boy would take it when he asked him, but this was a way too good an opportunity to let it pass by. First things first, he had to warm Josh a little more to him, the poor boy was avoiding his stare with all his might, his body was shaking from the nerves, he supposed. Which is why he had picked this specific table, being at the far corner of the restaurant, not only did it provide the best view of the restaurant, but it was also quite sheltered from the other tables. People usually took the front tables and not the ones at the back, and he'd made sure to tell the restaurant manager to put some distance with the other tables. Matt stilled himself, and pouring some of the red wine he had previously ordered, on the cups, said "Nice to meet you."

Josh looked up from that fascinating relief on his plate, entwined leaves with a swirling pattern of waves on both sides, and smiled at Matt rather shyly "I hope I wasn't too late. I just.....I got caught up this morning. I went out yesterday, and it kind of delayed the whole thing". He quickly looked down again, not being able to withstand the guy's powerful gaze for too long. This just felt too.....raw. He felt completely exposed, Matt knew way too many things about him.

Matt looked at him, a smile dancing on his lips. Really this boy was the most adorable....No, he had to stop himself, contain that part of him that wanted to cuddle and pamper him. "Don't worry, I know how nervous you are, but I'm hoping you are seeing that we are just having a conversation, no pressure whatsoever." Josh nodded slightly, and looking down at his hands whispered, "what if people hear us? This place is....is packed". Matt was fighting with all his might his need to reach out and grab his hand, to envelop him again in his arms, and give him the reassurance he so clearly needed. "Don't worry, from this table no one will, I bring my clients here sometimes to discuss work."

Josh wasn't terribly reassured. But looking at Matt being so sure of his words, he relented. His hands were still shaking big time, so he started fiddling with his napkin, folding it this way and that, trying as much as possible not to look into Matt's eyes.

"If you don't mind, I'll order for both of us, since I'm already familiarised with the menu here," Matt said, and Josh only nodded, too worked out to uttered words. They ordered and talked more about themselves. Matt knew that he had to calm Josh before he could talk about any abdl stuff. The boy wasn't kidding when he said this whole thing made him nervous. Looking at him, Matt could tell why. He looked like the typical popular jock, he couldn't imagine him wanting anyone to know what he was into, knowing what he knew of Josh, he'd die of embarrassment if anyone, regardless of who found out his little secret. 

The food was delicious, and the conversation excellent. Josh knew they had lots of things in common, but talking to Matt in person made him realize that they could have been buds if they would have been in college at the same time. After a while, he warmed up to him, getting more and more relaxed. Josh discovered that talking to Matt was actually really easy, he'd been afraid they would run out of topics, or that having talked for a year through chat would have exhausted the topics the could talk about, but no. The conversation kept flowing all throughout the meal, easing up some of the knots that were currently gripping his heart. So by the time dessert came, Josh had almost forgotten the real reason why they were meeting. He was sure Matt was awesome.  
——————-

Matt knew that by now, Josh was more relaxed, his hands were no longer clenching his napkin, and that fear that had been flickering in his eyes when he'd first arrived had almost vanished. Josh was clearly acting more like himself, and Matt could not help but relish in those small, but still consistent, "little" mannerisms he was seeing him display. Those shy looks; that excitement with which he told him how he had won his last game, describing in detail the winning goal; that restless energy that was about him, that kept his hands busy at almost all times. Matt was getting mesmerized by those eyes, the light filtering from the window behind him, reflected on them, making them vibrate in such a way, they sparkle so much they looked like molten jewels. He was so distracted by them, that it was hard to keep his train of thought. Shaking some of the dazes off, Matt took another sip of the red wine, the bitter aftertaste caressing his trhoath, he was positive he'd never seen eyes like those before----that color was no joke.

After dessert, Matt felt like it was the perfect moment to discuss the matter at hand, and see what Josh thought of his proposal, so after taking a sip from his red wine, he said, "I actually would love to continue our conversation, and move to more Abdl related topics if you want." Seeing Josh's shoulders clench, he added "maybe you'd be more comfortable doing that in a more private location? Have you given some thought to staying at my place for the weekend?"

Matt looked Josh in the eye without flinching, letting him see all of him in his expression, which made Josh self-conscious again. Josh felt his heart flutter and looked down for the first time in a while. He had almost forgotten about it, and the fact that this man knew about pretty much all of his fetishes, was beginning to overwhelm him again, a slight flush coating his cheeks and neck. 

Matt saw Josh getting nervous again and calmly placed his hands on top of Josh's. The soft skin of Josh's hands startled him for a moment, seeing his size he had been sure he worked out, so he had been expecting more rough-hedged hands. To his utmost surprise, Josh didn't shy away from the touch. He'd been prepared for him to recoil, to think it was too much and draw a line, when that did not happen, seeing it as an invitation to continue, Matt whispered, "Look, Josh, you don't have to do or talk about anything you don't want to. We can just go to my place and keep on talking, move to a bar, or even just call it quits for the day. Whatever you feel more comfortable with, just as I mentioned, you don't owe me anything; if you want to leave, you can, and we can always remain friends. But if you want to, you can trust me, and obviously, we won't go where you don't want to go. Ultimately the decision is always yours".

Josh kept on looking down, obviously preoccupied. He was trying to figure out what to do when Matt had reached his hands towards his. Josh had not expected the contact to bring about such----such peace. His hands were just a little bigger than Josh's and he could feel the roughness of the callouses that were etched on them. And hearing Matt utter those words....give him the option, not forcing him.....Josh mumbled something under his breath, his gaze fixed on their joined hands, from which he had not pulled away yet. "what's that, sweetie?" Matt queried sweetly, his voice like molten honey. This boy was just too cute, he really wanted to eat him up.

"I am just a bit anxious, I have never talked about it in person… and.." Josh started stuttering, his hands began sweating again, and suddenly he felt self-conscious about that, but the thought of letting go, of breaking that contact.......No.....he, did not think he would be able to....Then he heard Matt's voice, it had taken a softer tone as if he was talking to a scared animal and was afraid to frighten it, "its okay sweetie, you can trust me. Whatever you say to me remains between us. Remember, I'm just as much into it as you are." Josh gulped, a warm surge enveloping him whole. He looked up, trying to withstand the force of Matt's stare, which was odd, he never shied away from anyone's stare, this whole thing was so unlike him. With as much courage as he could muster, he whispered, "I don't know if I'll be able to deal with the embarrassment." And his voice had taken such a high tone, so at odds with his usual one, that he startled himself for a second. What the hell was wrong with him, acting so....so.......childish all of a sudden.

Matt lifted Josh's chin with one hand, not letting go of the other yet, and looking into his eyes said "Josh, I am the only one that is going to know, I will also tell you about my stuff, no one else will know a thing. Why don't we do something, you come to my house, we talk there, so there is nobody else who can listen in. Then you can decide if you wanna stay or not. It's not good to keep everything inside all the time, it's going to make you unhappy. All I ask is that you listen to what I have to say, and allow me to give you a little "sneak peek" as to what it would be like. I want to make you a proposition I have been mulling over for a while now. But I don't wanna discuss it here, because I can tell it's making you uncomfortable. How does that sound?".

Those words, _"You can't keep everything inside all the time"_ rang through Josh like a tolling bell, echoing in the innermost parts of his mind and shaking him whole. He'd been repressing so many things, and for so long, he was afraid everything would spill out everywhere and he'd never be able to stop it. Lately, things had gotten a little out of control, what with the partying nonstop, the incessant amount of buzz and girls. Perhaps Matt was right, and he needed some....some respite from everything. A piece of safe land in which to land. Matt's words rang true, going to a more secure location, a more private place may help, mainly because he knew he'd be calmer in a more private location. Josh had started seeing that his trust in Matt was not misplaced, the guy was clearly trying with all his might not to make him uncomfortable. Josh figured he could go to Matt's place and decide there. He could always back down if it got to be too much, it was not like if this was a permanent thing or anything. The only thing that he didn't quite get was ...."what do you mean by "sneak peek"?" he asked, his voice still not fully back to normal, at least it had not broken like before.

Matt was expecting that sort of reaction, especially knowing how much of an alfa-guy Josh was. But he still did not want to disclose his proposal in public, judging by Josh's behavior, that would only scare him off. For Josh, letting go of that pride and relaxing was something that he was just not used to, he had to remove all other distractions if he wanted to get him completely at ease. "I'll show you a room that I have prepared for the weekend. Just let me start talking to you in a more… familiar way, I just wanna help you open up to all the Abdl community. To show you that you are, by no means, alone. That's what you've been telling me you wanted for a year, to be able to accept yourself, that part of yourself anyways. If you feel like it, of course, like I said, the decision is always yours".

Josh pondered about what he'd heard for a second, making a quick list on his mind of pros and cons. Matt was chill, and he'd been comfortable enough when he'd forgotten they were here to talk about that kind of stuff. It had been nice, even. Maybe...just maybe he could trust Matt. He'd been talking to the guy for a year after all, and that was no small amount of time, and he'd always been incredibly patient and caring towards him. Never, not once, had he gotten out of line, or said something to make Josh feel bad in any way. Matt was so understanding, maybe because he was also into abdl stuff. The guy just wanted to help him. If Josh was ever going to open himself up to this stuff, it would be now, and with him. He was absolutely sure of that, he'd been building thids trust for a year, besides he could always leave if he was not comfortable with it. Josh looked up and nodded rather shyly.

"Alright then, let's get moving then." Matt chirped with a smile plastered on his face. 

Matt paid the bill, which took some effort on Josh's side to accept. He was also a dude, and he could pay for his own meal, but Matt said that he had invited him out, so he had to pay. And then proceeded to do just that, and that had been that.

Then they got outside and to Matt's car, a sleek black BMW that looked as if it had been recently purchased, the sunlight glinted on it, making into a reflective surface that caught Josh's eye. His car in comparison...he looked towards the white ford parked a couple of spots back, it's shabby painting almost falling in pieces. "What do I do with my car? Should I follow you to your place?" Matt said, "just follow me, my house has a garage big enough for several cars, it'll be safer there." Josh nodded, thank God, at least this way he'd have some time to gather his thoughts before arriving at Matt's place.


	3. CHAPTER 3: JOSH'S DECISION

CHAPTER 3: JOSH'S DECISION

They made their way to Matt's place fairly quickly. Matt in front, and Josh trailing behind. He was so nervous that he couldn't focus enough to pay special attention to the streets they were driving through. It sure looked like a well kept residential area. His mind was still in turmoil, thousands of thought flying about. What could Matt have meant when he said he had prepared a room for him to give him a sneak peek? Surely nothing shady? from what Josh knew of Matt, he was not one of those who tried to force himself on anyone. Not that he could, he may be a little taller than Josh, but if it came down to it... No, he was starting again with those hideous thoughts. This was not one of those stories where things went sour, he knew he could trust Matt. They were practically buddies now. And he had crashed at his buddies places so many times, he could not count them even if he tried. It would all be alright. After a while, they finally arrived at Matt's neighborhood, which was full of big houses of the well-off.

Matt's house was a gorgeous four-story set in a very modern fashion, surrounded by high white walls. The outside of the house was white mixed whit gray, with tall wide windows that were, to Josh's surprise, tinted. Once Matt opened the gates, they got inside, the front yard of the house was immaculately kept, full of flowers that surrounded a small road that led to the entrance, where a set of big black shinny doors stood closed. They drove through a second path that ended with a massive garage door. Matt opened it, and both cars rode right in, parking beside four other shiny cars. If Josh had already assumed that Matt was well-off, this house assured him.

Matt parked the car first and killed the engine, and Josh followed suit. Josh remained pensive inside his car, not fully ready to face everything yet. The fact that they had arrived, only made him more nervous. The whole idea of spending time in Matt's house was still a little overwhelming, and while he'd been trying really hard to repress those nerves on their drive here, now that they were actually inside the house, he felt it impossible to drown that little voice in his head that told him that this was not a good idea. He longed to always know what he was getting himself into so he could protect himself, and now he did not really know. The fact that his own desires were the culprits of his current meltdown, did not sit right with him either. Why couldn't he be normal, liking regular stuff and...and...his hands shook, his heart beating loudly inside his chest.

What if, after all, this whole thing ended up being too much. Was talking about this really going to help him in any way? he'd been fine so far keeping it to himself, surely he could keep on going like that. His mind was reeling with thoughts, his hands still shaking clutched the soft leather of the steering wheel so hard it hurt. And what if Matt thought Josh was ridiculous, or worse of all, laughed at him or… he'd been constructing his image for so long. Strong. Alfa. He was those things, it had been his shield for so long and now.... revealing that part of himself that lay dormant inside of him, threatened to make it all collapse. And while part of him loved the idea of being vulnerable and letting go, there was another part of him, a more adult part, who felt terribly ashamed about it. Josh started to fumble with his seat belt; He needed to get out of the car for some air asap, there just wasn't enough of it inside now, but for some reason, it was not cooperating with him. His hands were shaking so hard he could not get a full grasp of the latch, he was trying very hard not to think about what he was willingly doing while trying to press the red buckle, but no matter how much he fumbled with it, it would not budge.

Matt seeing the distress on the boy's face, approached Josh's car and opened the door, placing both his hands on top of Josh's, halting him, "Josh, breath with me," he started caressing his hands slowly, drawing sweet circles to try to distract him from his own thoughts.

Josh looked down at both their hands, feeling small and embarrassed for being such a baby. He ought to be stronger and not allow this to beat him down. For some reason, Matt's caresses were working, he started to hear his own thought beaneth that horrible buzzing sound that played on his head, breathing in and out with Matt. It was odd, but for some reason, he felt very childish, almost helpless in front of Matt. He just looked so composed and put together, an adult who was strong, truly strong, not the kind of strong Josh was. In comparison, he was crumbling down over a simple Abdl talk. He kept on looking at their entwined hands, Matt's were smooth but strong, he couldn't help but notice the rough calluses that covered his palms, their roughness against his skin, they told an obvious story, this man worked out, and he did so hard enough to have carved them. Josh's skin was so tan and smooth, the contrast was mesmerizing to him, and for some reason, it didn't make him as uncomfortable as it would have if another dude were holding his hands in such a way. He wondered if it was because they both shared the same kink, which funny enough revolved around nurturing and caring for someone or being cared for. Matt took one of his hands away from Josh, pulling him out of his reverie.

"Here, I'll help," Matt unbuckled Josh's seatbelt with his other hand, leaning into Josh and enveloping him with his comforting scent. He smelled sweet but masculine, almost like honey and earth. His scent made Josh want to lay his head on his shoulder and close his eyes, and if he had not been so nervous, he might have done just that. Which led Josh to notice how close they were, and blush profusely. "I'm sorry. You must think I'm stupid", Josh mumbled, still not looking at Matt's face.

"Josh, we all start somewhere, you are alright, I don't judge you. In my house, there will never be any judgments, especially not about something like this" Matt soothed. Josh looked at Matt, this man he had met online, who was going out of his way to reassure him, and suddenly he forgot how to breathe, "it's just, …. this is all..... I meaan…. You know… we talked about…. It's still hard for me…. talking about it makes me a little uncomfortable...I just...i just never thought I would, I don't think I thought everything through" he stammered, the words almost blurring together. Josh was utterly surprised by the high pitch his voice had taken. Now he remembered the last time he'd been this nervous, having this "heart out of my chest" feeling, he had been a kid, starring in the school's Christmas play in elementary. He'd had to play one of the three kings, and he felt that all the attention was on him. Not having his parents there, he had felt so sad and afraid, he had almost puked on the stage.

Matt pulled him closer and enveloped him in a warm embrace, making a slight flush cover Josh's cheeks. "It's okay, Josh, as I said, no judgment." He said, pulling away to hold him at arm's length. The sudden separation made Josh feel a little sad, he'd felt so nice there for a moment, so comfortable and relaxed. Matt looked him in the eyes, caressing his cheek gently, "I know it must have been hard, dealing with such an important part of your life on your own. It's why I told you that keeping things in can be really bad. But here, where there's just you and me, there is no necessity for you to feel self-conscious. We are the same, we've talked for a year, you know as much of me as I of you. And I assure you, you are not alone".

  
Josh could not stop looking into Matt's deep green eyes. Here he was, being super sweet and chill about it, and Josh was making a scene over something he shouldn't. Why did this kink make him feel so small and ashamed? so......so raw? "Th…thanks… I guess I overreacted a bit" Josh stuttered. Matt hugged him again, embracing Josh with every fiber of his being, trying to make him feel safe and protected. Josh could still not believe how comfortable this was; he felt so, so tired of hiding and always putting on a brave, strong face.

Matt kept patting his back slowly, " No thanks needed. I'm here for you." Matt whispered, his breath gently caressing Josh's ear, making him feel all tingly. Then he added, "c'mon, let's get in, there's a lot I want to show you." Matt reluctantly let go of Josh, hearing a small whine of protest.

Josh was in pure bliss for a moment, Matt was talking about showing him stuff, and, suddenly, he felt Matt let go of the embrace. He could not tell why but that distressed him, which in turn made him whine, actually whine. He looked down immediately, a crimson color filling his cheeks again. What the heck was getting into him, he'd never done this stuff.  
—————-

Matt could not believe how cute Josh was, embracing him had felt like joining two parts of the same coin. He loved how well he fit into his arms, and how calm and pliable he'd made him with just a simple touch. Josh had been repressing himself for far too long. When he showed him what he had upstairs, it was sure to leave him speechless. He reluctantly had to let go of him for that, which was a tough thing to do, but he'd done it, and then------then he heard that small whine. It was almost as if Josh was getting more and more into character. No, that was not it, he was letting go, the nerves were making him unwind. He was allowing Matt to see what was under all that bravado and strength. And that was a sweet little boy who needed pampering and lots of love. Something Matt suspected he had not allowed himself to truly receive before. After all, you have to lay down all of yourself in front of someone, to truly get there when it came to abdl. And so few people got to entirely do that. There were always concealed truths, hushed secrets. He hoped he could get to Joshy, make him feel safe enough that he'd be willing to let go in front of him.

Matt could sense the boy's nervousness, so he decided not to comment on the whine, Josh was still looking down when Matt said: "I'm going to show you my favorite room in this house first, and we can talk there, I feel like it will be the most comfortable place to talk about this things." Josh still looked nervous, but nodded nonetheless, much too embarrassed to string any words together, let alone coherent sentences.

They went through a very minimalist corridor until they reached a grey elevator. _Matt had an actual elevator in his house? Wow_. He pressed the metal button, and the doors swung wide open. Inside, the walls were a full-body mirror, and being side by side, Josh could confirm that yes, in fact, Matt was a little taller than him. He'd thought it before, but now it was easy to tell the difference. But it was not only the small height difference that grabbed Josh's attention, while Josh carried himself shyly right now, looking down and trying to occupy as little space as possible, Matt stood absolutely straight, like a man who knew how to handle things, like a man sure of himself, an adult, a real adult.The idea made Joshy giddy and a little embarrassed at the same time. He knew that Matt identified as a caregiver inside the Abdl community, and he could not help but wonder if he had taken care of the boys he'd babysat before in such a way. Being all caring and sweet. Josh knew the reason Matt liked to work out extra hard was so that he could carry and care for and Abdl, but that was not super hard considering that, from what he'd told him on the chat, all the boys he'd had before were rather small. But if it were someone like Josh… it would not do to if he were taller than his daddy, it would just throw him off his little space. But it wasn't only that, the contrast with an incredibly nervous and flushed Josh, sent a jolt of pleasure through his groin. No, no, no, no… he was not getting there. Fuck, he was letting strange thoughts creep into his mind. He trained his sight on the elevator's floor and avoided looking at their reflection for the remainder of the ride. If Matt noticed all of this going through his mind, he showed no signs.

Once on the second floor, Matt led Josh to the very end of the hall, the place was minimalist, the big windows were indeed tinted, giving a sense of privacy on the inside that somehow coalesced with lack of curtains. At the end of the hall, there was a set of wooden doors that stood closed. Matt stopped and looked at Josh "this is a very important part of my house, I've dedicated a lot of time to it, I think you'll like it." The scent of leather and paper greeted Josh, and to say that he was a little confused wouldn't begin to cover it; behind the doors, there was a big library space, where he guessed Matt did part of his work. He'd told him before that he was a lawyer, and as such, the room was decorated as he would expect a successful's lawyer library to look like, in soft wooden tones mixed with whites and black. There was a big window at the end of the room, gently framed by a pair of pale white curtains, laced in the center, pulling them open and allowing a stream of warm light into the room. The centerpiece of the space was a mahogany desk that looked, it had intricate designs of leaves and flowers carved into it, a relief that stood out in its intricate detail. Everything on top of it was neatly organized, and somehow he knew Matt would know where absolutely everything was. There were two chairs on the other side of the desk for visitors, he supposed. On the other side, opposite to the desk, a gargantuan fireplace framed by to marble sculptures that looked to be angels holding swords, stood out, crowned by a modern painting of two birds holding a page of a book with some words in Latin written on it. But what drew Josh's attention upon entering the room was the big bookcases that stood from side to side of both walls, going from floor to ceiling, full of books, books, and more books. There seemed to be a lot of them on law, but some others were just stories. Few people knew this of Josh, but he loved reading. He had since he was a kid, it had been his way to escape when he'd had no choice but to stay where he was. Josh was impressed, but still, this was not at all what Josh had been expecting.

Matt was so excited, he was relishing Josh's reactions, trying to hold in his laughter as much as possible, but in the end, he cracked. "you don't like it I take?" Matt asked. Josh blushed a little, maybe he'd been a bit too obvious, he had expected something more like, _"here is where I keep some Abdl stuff"_ , or _"this closet has my Abdl stuff"_ , but not a library-office area. "I …I.. It's nice, very classy" Josh blurted, rubbing the back of his neck. And Matt could not hold it any longer, he just outright laughed. "I was joking, c'mon, get in, what I want to show you is this way" Josh did follow Matt into the room, very red in the face. The smell of books and wood lay in the air, a scent that Josh loved very deeply. It was such a peaceful room, he was sure working here was a pleasure. He still had no clue what could be in this room that would merit such theatrics, though. The place was cool and all but…

Matt walked right to the library. The bookcases were handmade, Josh could tell that much, adorned with small relieves of plants and flowers carved directly on the wood to match the ones on the desk. The thing must have been custom made and cost a fortune. Matt removed a couple of books from the lower shelf, right behind his desk, and reached for the end of the shelf with his hand. Josh heard a faint click, and then, it was all he could do to keep his jaw attached to his skull. The bookcase moved, _actually moved_ on its own, as if in a futuristic movie set, and revealed a screen panel. Matt entered a number. "I wanted to have a safe place, foolproof, that nobody would ever find, just for the same reason you felt self-conscious before. So I had this built-in, soundproof, and impossible to find, my perfect safe room". As if on cue, the bookcases finished moving and behind a set of big black doors were revealed. Matt opened the doors, placing his thumb on another small panel beside them, revealing a long corridor, this time with no ornamentations. Matt led Josh through it. At the very end, they were met by a set of pale blue doors. Josh was absolutely flabbergasted, never in a million years would he have thought this possible. The whole sci-fi situation had even made him forget the nerves he'd had before, he just wanted to know what the heck merited such security. _What could possibly be behind those doors?_ he had an educated guess, and he did not know if he wanted it to be correct. "Okay, here, we go, my masterpiece," Matt enunciated, opening the doors with one push of his hands, this time without any fancy security thing. Josh peered in, and……

Josh gasped. He could not have in a million years imagined that this man would have assembled this whole room. It was like a dream room for anyone into abdl. He was so astounded by what he was seeing, that he forgot where he was and just got inside the room, not uttering a word. The room was a complete nursery for adult babies. But not a regular one, this one was insane. The walls were painted a shade of pale blue, matching the door, with bands of teddy bears along the middle surrounding the whole space. There was a light brown adult size crib to the left, with bars that went as high as Josh's chest standing tall. Inside the crib, there was a thick mattress covered by a set of mickey coverlets, and resting by the pillow, several extremely big plushies. Beneath the crib, there were three small boxes full of what looked to be toys of different kinds. Josh spied what looked like cars and rails for trains, more plushies, and even coloring books. He'd always wanted to try one of those. At the end of the room, there was a window that illuminated the whole space with a faint light, covered with withe and yellow Winnie the pooh blinds. Josh took a step towards the crib and saw that hanging from the ceiling, just above it, was a small mobile, teddy bears, and small cars hanging from it. On the other side was an adult size changing table, with a pale yellow cover on top. Beneath it, were a set of drawers that stood half-open, full of baby wipes, powder, pacifiers, bottles, and other things he couldn't really see without fully opening them. Just beside the window was a wooden rocking chair, big enough to fit two adults comfortably. And just opposite the rocking chair stood two big white doors, full of infantile stickers, concealing what, Josh supposed, was to be the wardrobe. On the other side of the room, a set of pale blue doors were closed. He did not know what was behind them, but it had to be awesome if this room was any indication as to how Matt did things. He had dreamt of places like this one, so many times. _Wow, Matt sure was thorough._ There was not even a little detail that was amiss.

Matt was allowing Josh to familiarise himself with the room, relishing in all the excitement written on his face. He'd put hours upon hours into building this little boy's nursery, assembling the furniture alone had taken him the better part of a week, but it has been worth it if only to see the look on the boy's faces when they came. Somehow though, this time was different. Every other boy had come willingly, already knowing the deal. Josh, on the other hand, did not know what he was going to propose to him. Yet somehow, he mattered to him even more than any of the other boys ever had. Ever since he'd started getting to know Josh, he'd known that for him, this was it. It had to be it. Hopefully, Josh would accept. Matt knew he'd love it here, everything was perfect for him, every little thing they had discussed, he somehow had been incorporating into the nursery.

In the beginning, he hadn't even realized it. Josh likes blue, Mmmmm, for some reason I think I should paint the nursery blue. Josh likes big teddy bears, he'd dreamt of an extra-large one, mmmm, for some reason the regular size one his favorite boy, Mark, loved, no longer cut it, he had to find a bigger one. And so on. Until one day, when he'd been absolutely stressed with work, he'd ended up going to the nursery just to remember all the delicious moments he had spent with Mark. Only to realize, that he somehow had ended up transforming the place from a regular cute nursery, into Josh's perfect cute nursery. Everything in it made him think of him. And so the playing with the other boys had ended, no longer being the same. The idea still bugged him a little, sure he was fond of Josh but, he'd never had put that much effort for any other boy, for anyone really, not since......He stopped himself....it would not do to remember his past.

Somehow, he wanted this to be perfect, to be Joshy's fantasy come to live, and he sure had not held back. "Wow, I…. I just …" Josh stuttered, too lost for words, if any part of him had been willing to back down, to get out of this place and run in shame, it had died upon seeing all that Matt had assembled. This was like a dream come true, one of his deepest fantasies turned into reality. And even the smaller details were met. He kept on walking towards the closet at the end of the room, just beside the rocking chair. He reached for the handles, the cool metal biting his skin, and as he opened it, the rest of his doubts dissipated. No more than mist diluting in the sunlight. Inside the closet, there were row after row of onesies, baby t-shirts, pants, plastic pants, and even another stash of diapers, all neatly arranged. He craved it all, and it made him feel a little jealous, and mad and sad, that this was not for him, that they were just going to talk and...A roaring sounded in his head, his legs started shaking and a stream of neverending tears fell down his face. _Fine, now he looked like a dummy in front of Matt,_ he thought, as a sob formed in his throat.

Matt had been watching Josh gawk at the nursery, surveying everything with those mesmerizing eyes when he saw those tears, and Matt forgot himself. He forgot all about self-restraint and that he had to take things slowly and dashed towards Josh, embracing him again. He knew this was a lot to take in at once, but he did not know why Josh was crying, and that made him anxious. _Him getting worried over someone, that sure was new._ He didn't know what had gotten into him, what this infatuation with Josh was, he just knew that he wanted him to stop crying ASAP. He wanted to comfort him more than he'd ever wanted to comfort anyone. And so, as he whispered reassurances into Josh's ear, he guided a very plaint Johsy to the rocking chair, where he sat, placing the boy on top of his knees.

Josh clung to him, embarrassment and excitement two stong forces colliding inside him. He did not want to look like a fool, but somehow seeing this place that looked exactly perfect to suit his tastes had driven him over the edge he'd been carefully walking in all week. He'd dreamt of such things for years, never daring to act upon his desires, he had to be strong. He was strong, and yet…

"C'mon sweetie, tell me, what happened? I did not want to upset you," Matt cooed, drawing sweet circles on his tight. His voice, usually strong and commanding, wavered a little.

Josh hesitated, he didn't even know how to express what he was feeling. Heck, he didn't even know exactly what he was feeling. The rocking chair was big enough for both of them to be comfortable. Even with Josh being six feet two and Matt being taller than him, they fit perfectly. _It felt so nice_... _so relaxing_... He leaned his head properly into Matt's shoulder, inhaling and exhaling rapidly, tears still flowing down his face. _This is so comfortable_ , he thought, as he took in Matt's warmth. Matt shifted slightly on the chair, and suddenly, Josh realized in which situation he was in. He'd made a fool of himself, and this posture did nothing to quench his embarrassment. His cheeks turned an even darker shade of red, as he tried to nuzzle further into Matt's shoulder.

Matt sensing the boy's distress, whispered, "Tell me what's wrong. Please, have I done something that made you sad?" Josh avoided meeting Matt's gaze, burrowing further into his strong shoulder. He could not help but notice the sharp tang of distress on Matt's voice, he could tell he genuinely cared if he'd bothered him. Which made him feel even worse; after all, he had done nothing. Josh needed to make sure he knew that "I love it, it… it's amazing, I mean… I … I wasn't expecting this" "it's too much." Matt chuckled and patted Josh's back affectionately, soothingly rocking them back and forth. The small shows of affection were calming Josh down more than he'd ever think possible, even though it was still a little awkward. 

"Well, I'm glad it's not something I did. I'm sorry, perhaps I should have talked to you first, I just, couldn't wait to show this to you", Matt said, sqeezing him a little tighter. Then he added, "here is what I would like to do, let me explain everything, and if by the end you don't want to follow through, we can just have a cool weekend and then be friends." Josh was the most embarrassed he had ever been in his life, so he only nodded, still hiding his face in Matt's incredibly comfy shoulder, he figured that he had already gotten to the point of "most embarrassing moments in my life" so a little more would not hurt. If people at college could see him like this…

"I was really excited when we started talking through the chat. I don't know why, I've had a lot of boys here, but look at this place, somehow it's just catered to your tastes. I kept on adding things, and before I realized it, I had made it perfect for someone specific. I know you're not gay and that you don't want a daddy, I also know that you struggle deeply with the idea of letting go of your image. But sometimes letting go is important. I know you've wanted to try Abdl for the longest time, and I'd love to give you the whole experience". Matt's voice wavered, his hands getting moist and his heart thumping very loudly inside his chest, he really did not know what Josh's reaction was going to be, he was used to knowing how people would react to his arguments, he was a lawyer after all, but in this case, he was lost. He knew how reluctant Josh was and how he thought about this as a shameful fetish. But he wanted to give Josh precisely what he needed, he wanted to put a smile on those lips and to see the hottest guy he'd ever laid eyes on as his baby.

Josh got a little restless, shifting this way and that on matt's arms, and Matt started caressing his thigh, drawing sweet circles that were very reassuring. "That means, sweetie" Matt began to use a softer tone, almost a babyish demeanor, sending a spark of electricity straight to Josh's groin. it was a mix of shame and exhilaration. "I would love to feed you, bath you, change you, basically take care of you." Josh was about to say something when Matt said, "shhh, wait until I'm done please," Josh nodded and kept his gaze on Matt's hands, drawing calming circles on his thigh. "I know from our conversations on the chat that you have wanted this for a long time. You can take this time as the fulfillment of your fantasies. The deal is, you try it for a couple of days, let's say till Monday, and then you decide if you want to repeat the experience. I'm never going to pressure you, beyond what I've already told you. I know you'd love your time here".

Josh couldn't believe what he was hearing. Sure, he'd thought about it a couple of times, who wouldn't, Matt knows everything about him and knows what to say and do, but to actually go ahead and try that. With a guy, in front of someone, like for real, like not in a dream and without a place to hide. He'd be lying, though if he said he was not tempted. It still felt like it was going to be too much for his pride. Josh kept thinking about everything, his mind was rushing with thoughts. Lust and desire, battling with his rationality and shame. It would be too much. He tried to pull himself away from Matt's shoulder, but just the thought of being apart right now felt excruciatingly painful. It almost was like a physical pull. He felt as if by pulling away from Matt, he'd be pulling himself apart too. He wanted to keep on savoring Matt's hard shoulder and keep feeling those slow caresses. For so long, he'd always been the strong one, the one people relied on, the bigger spoon, and now, he just felt so tired. He could always try, and if it got to be too much, he could stop. He was mulling about this when he felt a gentle kiss on his forehead.

Matt could not resist himself; seeing Josh's cute expression, his brows furrowed in concentration, thinking really hard about what to do, he had to kiss him. He was just the cutest thing. He hoped he had not gone too far yet.

Josh blushed, a warm surge enveloping him whole, this was not part of the plan, he just could not process this. He was straight, and yet somehow, having Matt so absolutely fixated on him, felt so.....so good. He knew he had his undivided attention, and he liked that a little too much. He also knew Matt would not push things if they got to be too much for him. Josh felt like he'd been at right the edge of a ravine, balancing for dear life, and now------now he was falling deep. His heart lept and he buried his face on Matt's shoulder, which despite his strong body, was incredibly comfy. Josh knew that if he wanted out, it would have to be now, he was feeling smaller and smaller by the second. A piece of him that had been locked within himself for a long time had started breaking free of its obsidian prison, small cracks had started appearing on its perfect walls, and somehow, Josh knew he would not be able to entirely repress it again. He felt as if he was falling under a trance, a warm spell that made him feel all giddy.

\--------------  
Matt could tell Josh was getting into "little space", he could tell by how he was behaving. He wanted nothing more than to get him ready, but he also knew he had to take it slow if he did not want to upset him. Josh looked at Matt from behind half-lidded eyes, as if already tuckered out, and very sleepily, placed his arms around Matt's neck, fully inhaling his scent. He was so ......so warm. He finally felt like he could breathe again, as if he'd been carrying on holding in his breath for so long, and now suddenly, he remembered to breathe. He wanted this warmth and this feeling of comfort to last. He'd seen lots of posts of straight guys having a "daddy," and he sure as fuck was not going to be comfortable enough with a "mommy," of that he was sure.

But still, the what-ifs were creeping at the edge of his mind. He was scared it was going to be too much for him, or that the embarrassment was going to taint the experience so badly, he'd never want to go back to Abdl stuff. But he also knew that if he backed down now, he'd never do it. He could picture himself living a repressed life and ending up sour and angsty, not fully complete. If they went slow, only a little sneak peek, a small trial, not that he was going to be doing this forever, just a couple of days---- perhaps it would be okay? It all clicked together, he needed to try, at the very least that much, he owed himself.

He'd made a decision, he had to try, even if it was a complete failure. He could always just not come back and forget about it if he didn't like it. But he could not live with never trying; after all, he was a very daring guy.

He really, really wanted this. And his want was bigger than his fears. "Can we go slow at the beginning, please?" Josh mumbled, still attached to Matt's shoulder. Matt chuckled, a deep breathy chuckle that made his body reverberate, Joshy liked how his whole body vibrated in tune "what's that, sweetie?" He'd heard him just fine, but the tickling of Josh's breath on his neck combined with that sweet and babyish cadence was getting to him. He just wanted to hear him again. Josh mumbled the same thing again, and Matt, knowing how embarrassed and tired his baby was, did not want to push it now. "Okey, Sweetie, then let's get you changed, and I'll tell you all about what we are going to do." He placed a gentle kiss to Joshy's forehead again, this time more sure of himself, and stood up, placing Josh on his hip. That's when it happened, Josh squealed, he actually squealed. To be fair, Josh was not expecting being picked up like that, especially not when he was so relaxed. He knew Matt was strong, he'd told him he was used to carrying his boys when he'd role played before, but they were shorter than him. Josh was a six foot two guy and 78 kg of lean muscle. _how did he manage?_ Joshy wondered as he tightened his grip on Matt.

The sun outside the window seemd to shine brighter, bathing the room in soft hues and making Matt smile brightly. For the first time in a long time, he felt like there was light in the world. This was going to be the best abdl experience he'd ever had, he was sure of it.

Josh could not believe that he was actually being carried, he blushed profusely as Matt carried him towards the changing table, a steady hand enveloping his midriff, and the other resting on his bum, suporritng him with incredible ease.


	4. CHAPTER 4: BABY JOSH

CHAPTER 4: BABY JOSH

Matt carried Josh to the changing table and carefully laid him down. Josh could not stop his nerves. The cushion enveloping the table was incredibly comfortable, and somehow the smell of its fabric was enthralling. This situation he'd been dreaming up for years, but to have it turn into reality was a little overwhelming, so he thought he'd keep his eyes trained on the teddy bears branded on the walls to distract himself. So far, it wasn't working, though.

Matt went to the closet first and grabbed a blue onesie, a pair of transparent plastic pants, a tykables diaper that had little letter blocks on the band, and a pair of cute blue socks to match. He left it all nearby the changing table and opened one of the drawers. Josh was trying very hard not to follow his movements with his eyes, already having forgotten about his distraction strategy. This whole situation was embarrassing enough as it was, he didn't think he'd be able to go through with it if he thought it through too much. Instead, he kept looking around the room. Marveling again at the attention to detail that everything had. Everything here was designed for an oversized baby, and everything was exactly perfect. He wondered how much the whole thing had cost. Surely it could not have been cheap.

Matt retrieved a white and blue pacifier from the drawer and held it behind his back. He gently caressed Josh's face to get his attention. "Now, since you have been so brave so far, I have a little present for you. Open your mouth, sweetie" Josh did so on instinct, and found himself with a rubbery feeling on his mouth. Suddenly he realized Matt had placed a pacifier on his mouth. He'd never had a pacifier before, at least not since he was a real toddler, and the feeling was very strange, it felt oddly reassuring, but at the same time, it was such an infantile object, that Josh could not help but go even redder. The clashing between the exhilaration and humiliation of such a childish object, completely tenting his pants. Matt chuckled, "someone is really happy to be home, I see," tickling Josh on both sides. Josh giggled. Actually giggled, and went beyond embarrassment again. This sure was going to be a tough day to endure. He started to experimentally suck on the teat of the pacifier, listening to the soft "click" sound it made every time he sucked on in. Somehow it was a very relaxing sound, and since the thing was bigger than a regular pacifier, it filled his mouth completely, making him feel even more babyish. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to be in the moment. Relishing in the sensations that he'd been craving for so long but never before dared to pursue.

Matt, seeing Josh become more pliant, kept on talking while slowly removing Josh's clothes. "Now I'm gonna tell you how I usually do it. Since it's your first time when you are all dressed up, I'll let you tell me what you think, sounds like a plan, champ?" poking Josh's nose playfully. Josh opened his eyes at that and made a very babyish sound, to his utmost embarrassment. Matt chuckled and continued, "The rules are basic: I will be your daddy. Of course, we can build up to that if it still feels awkward at first, but it will help you get into headspace faster if you view me as a daddy. You will wear diapers the whole time, and yes, sweetie, that means using them for their intended purposes, no potty allowed"; At that Joshy looked a little alarmed, so he added "if you don't feel comfortable with it, we can find a way around it. You will not get yourself out of the crib or the playpen downstairs, without me getting you out; I will change you and feed you, bathe you and carry you if necessary, you will not use big boy words, nor walk, you should crawl or wait to be picked up since it will be easier with the bulky diapers I'm going to be putting on you." Daddy removed his shoes and socks. "Lift your little tushie for daddy sweetie, daddy is going to remove those yukie pants." Josh, beyond the point of embarrassment by now, complied, deciding to keep on sucking on the pacifier to distract himself, while this man that he had just met today for the first time, changed him. But that was not true, was it? after all, he'd been talking to him all year. And he'd been really comfortable with him today, considering the circumstances. 

To distract himself from the change, he kept on thinking about what Matt was saying. He was more or less alright with it, but he did not think he could handle the number two situation on a diaper. And the "daddy part" was sure going to be tough on his masculinity. Maybe he'd get more used to it once this whole thing got going. At least he had discovered something new, it turned out that sucking on a pacifier was quite relaxing. 

Matt removed Joshy's pants in one swift motion. He couldn't believe how precious his little boy looked, sucking on the pacifier and trying for all the world to distract himself. That utter embarrassment and acquiescence turned him on to no end. He saw that his boy's legs were completely shaven, which was to be expected since he was a sports player, and decided to check if everywhere else was the same. He took out his boxers, releasing his boy's hard-on. It sprung to life with a ferocious passion, it was clear his baby boy was excited. Josh was shaven everywhere, save for his pubic area, so he opened the drawer and grabbed the depilating cream. The sound of something opening, caught Joshy's attention, he tried to see what Matt had seized, and when he saw it was some sort of depilating cream, he looked a little alarmed, so he said "Don't worry sweetie, the hair will grow again. But if I don't remove it, it will cause rashes. And my little boy will be uncomfortable", that made sense. Josh seemed to calm down, so he proceeded. 

Josh was butt naked in front of Matt. Of course, he'd been naked before in front of other guys. He played sports after all, but never in a situation like this. He could feel Matt's hands undressing him, gentle and careful as if he were a valuable thing that needed to be cared for. And that look with which he was looking at him..., for some reason, he felt exhilarated at the thought of having Matt's undivided attention. He had craved this kind of deep care for so long, that now that he was experiencing it, he could not get enough of it. Josh hadn't expected the depilating cream, though. He was familiarised with shaving his body, but he had never thought about shaving his privates. But daddy, I mean Matt, was right, the hair would grow again, and he did not wish to learn about rashes of any sort, he had read enough about them not to want to experience one. 

Matt kept a stream of baby talk throughout the whole process, explaining in detail all the fun games they were going to play, and reassuring Josh every step of the way. They had already discussed that Josh was not gay, and so he was not interested in the sexual part of abdl play. While he got off on it, he had no desire to have sex with a man. Matt had reassured him through the chat that he wasn't looking for that either. And seeing how much love and care was displayed in his eyes, he trusted him not to go overboard. So far, he hadn't, and he sure had had the chance. I mean, Josh was butt naked on a changing table for God's shake, the more he thought about it, the more embarrassed he got. That said, this whole baby talk, baby room, and handling of his parts were doing no good for his bulging erection. 

Matt, or should he start thinking of him more as Daddy, wow that sure was going to be though, and only for a couple of days, finished cleaning him up with some baby wipes, and urged Josh to lift his "little tushie" again, which he did so. He placed a diaper under him and sprinkled some powder on. Josh was a little shocked, he was expecting to get off. It must have been noticeable on his face, for his daddy chuckled, "don't worry, little one, daddy will make you do cummies, but not just yet. We gotta save some of the fun for later, and I wanna get you more comfortable first" He kept caressing his dick while talking, which had already leaked some precum. Josh wanted to get off so badly; he thought he'd go insane, but he knew that if he waited, it would probably feel even better. Besides, he was desperate to know how having a diaper on actually felt. 

Daddy taped the diaper, and Josh felt its soft fabric enveloping him. He was over the moon, it just felt so good, to have that crinkling material caressing his parts. Judging by his "daddy's" expression, he was sure he looked very adorable right now. And the smell, baby powder, oil, and diaper, it was so soothing. Josh kept sucking on his pacy while thinking of this, relishing every moment. 

Daddy made him lift his arms and remove his shirt, leaving Josh feeling utterly exposed, now he really was only in his diaper and pacifier. It felt as if his daddy could see through him. All these new feelings made him close his eyes again, which is why he did not see the smirk his daddy was displaying. He also did not notice until too late that his Matt was about to blow kisses on his stomach. 

Matt could not believe how cute Josh was, he was absolutely chiseled, laying on the changing table with only a diaper and pacifier on, and with his beautiful eyes closed. He could not hold himself any longer and started blowing kisses on his boy's smooth tummy. Josh giggled, but daddy was not relenting until his beautiful boy opened his eyes. Josh's eyes were a deep blue, a shade close to the ocean's, which now that they were watery from laughter, sparkled, catching the light from the window behind him. Somehow the contrast between the strong young man and the cute garments was always almost enough to drive Matt through the edge. But he had to be patient; there would be time for that, and as always, he was going to follow it through. 

If Josh thought that he had felt embarrassed, that kiss and the way his daddy was looking at him, made him go overboard. He was harder than he had ever been in his life, harder than even Jessica had gotten him, and we are talking "playboy bunny material" here. His dick was straining hard against the soft fabric of his diaper, making it bulge slightly on the front. 

Daddy chuckled at Josh's reaction, and went to finish dressing his baby boy." You look so precious right now, sweetie". Matt was sure he'd look gloriously adorable when he was completely dressed. He put the plastic pants on him, and then the blue onesie. To finish it all, he added the cute blue teddy bear socks and strapped a cord from the pacifier to the onesie. Wow, the effect was out of this world, he wanted nothing more than to jerk off, but he would have to wait, it would be no good to ruin everything now. 

He could tell his little boy was overly excited. To Matt, abdl boys were irresistible, especially if they were as strong and alfa based as his boy was. And after so many years, he was finally going to get his fantasy come true. Before Josh, he'd taken care of a few boys here and there, all cute, but none like Josh, with such a contrast going on, none that he'd wanted to keep, but this.... this was it, this was his baby, and he could not wait to spend a long, long time with him.

Josh was wholly babified, which was a new feeling for him. On one side, he felt amazing, he loved the feeling of the diaper, and its thickness, it was so thick that he could not close his legs if he tried. And the fact that everything was so down to detail, even the onesie he was wearing looked like one a baby would wear, made the whole experience perfect. But on the other hand, he was a 20-year-old jock, popular and considered manly. He got a feeling that it would only get more embarrassing from here on, especially if he was to be treated like a baby for his whole stay, which he had not been anticipating. He was just thinking about this when he felt himself be picked up. Josh squeaked, not expecting that, and found himself placed on daddy's hip, one arm holding him around his ass, and the other enveloping his back. He had absolutely no idea how this man had the strength to lift a six-foot-two guy, at least not with such ease. Surely he had to have a secret, it was way too much strength. 

Daddy chuckled at Joshy's reaction "Daddy is very strong, he has to be to take care of a big baby." Josh blushed and covered his face by pressing it into his "daddy's" shoulder, sucking on his pacifier for solace. "Sweetie, now you can tell me your thoughts on everything I've said. Whatever it is you are thinking right now, you can tell me." Josh was mortified by the baby demure, he also felt like he could cum at any second. If only he could touch his dick. Matt could feel his baby's erection bumping against his side, trough the diaper, so he pressed him tighter against him, making Joshy let out a cute moan. He smiled, gently moving Josh's face from his shoulder so he could look him in the eye. The little tiger was blushing profusely. He took his pacifier out so he could speak properly. "C'mon sweetie, tell me what's going on on that beautiful head of yours. Anything you are not comfortable with, you know I will not judge you in any way".

Now that the pacifier was gone, Joshy felt a little more vulnerable, as if not having it had dissipated a layer of protection. "I feel …..really good, a little shy. I …I like what you've said, just…just not so fast, maybe?" He kept on trying to burrow his head on his daddy's shoulder again, trying desperately to stave off some of the embarrassment he was feeling. Matt was bouncing Joshy up and down, soothingly caressing his back. All and all, it was making Josh's eyelids start to drop. He had slept very little last night, and today had been a very draining day. Matt, realizing that, nudged Josh's head a little again to make him look at him. "Are you sure there is nothing you'd be uncomfortable with? Anything at all? Think that after the discussion, I will go full daddy mode on you, sweetie. If there's something you are not comfortable with, I need to know now". 

Josh felt really tired, but he knew he had to think this through. This was important, even if it was only for a couple of days, he didn't want to allow something that would tarnish his memory of the experience, and end up not wanting to indulge on it again. "The number "two" part… I don't know if I'd be comfortable with that", he mumbled, looking at his daddy's chest to avoid eye contact. Matt carefully raised his head with his finger "sweetie, it's alright, you can try, if you don't like it or at the moment is too much we can stop it. You have full control of the situation baby if it bothers you to the point when it's too much we can find ways around it". Matt was smiling at his sweet boy.

Josh thought about it. Matt was so kind and chill about it. He was literally going to make his fantasy come true, and all while making him feel as comfortable as possible. He did not want to poop his diaper, the though was kinda gross, but he figured he'd just tell him no when he wanted to go, or just hold it. I mean, he was only going to be there for a couple of days, he was sure he could hold it. Josh only nodded and, for some unknown reason, gave Matt a kiss on the cheek, and made to hide his face on daddy's shoulder again, but not before a chuckling daddy replaced the pacifier on his mouth. 

Matt was beaming, "very good, sweetie, daddy is proud of you. Now let's go get your bottle and then some nap time, someone's very tired. How's that sound, sweetie" Josh only nodded on daddy's shoulder, much too flustered to utter another word. Man, this was going to be a heck of an embarrassing weekend.


	5. CHAPTER 5: BOTTLES AND HIGH CHAIRS

CHAPTER 5: BOTTLES AND HIGH CHAIRS

THIS IS A LONG CHAPTER, SORRY GUYS, I REALLY DID NOT KNOW HOW TO CUT IT SHORTER.

Daddy took him out of the nursery through the secret corridor. Joshy heard the faint click of the door snapping back into place, and when he peeked back from behind his daddy's shoulder, the library was back in place, as if there had never been a door there. He was carried out of the fancy office.

While Matt carried him towards the elevator, Josh noticed the windows that framed the long hallway again. He hadn't stopped to think about it before, but seeing them now, in his current state, even if they were tinted, he had the sudden fear someone would be able to see him from the outside. Suddenly overwhelmed by that, he tried to hide by pressing his face against Matt's chest. Trying to curl himself against Matt as much as possible.

Matt felt his baby moving on his arms. He looked at him, and when he saw Joshy glance at the windows and then hide, he understood what was happening. "Don't worry sweetie, they are not see-through. I would never allow someone to see you like this when I know you wouldn't like it". He pinched his baby's nose to distract him. "And if they did, they would see how cute you are and love you immediately, and try to take you away," Joshy blushed, still hiding against his daddy's shoulder. He did not think they would love him, they would freak out perhaps; He hadn't given much thought to how other people would react to this. He actively tried not to think about it, because he knew what the usual reaction would be, and he did not want to go down that road. Josh also knew the windows were not see-through, he'd seen them from the outside, but it still made him wary, it felt as if he was being exposed. Those windows sure were going to take some getting used to. He giggled when Matt pinched his nose and tightened his hold on his daddy's neck. He felt as if he was small enough to be hidden by his daddy's strong body.

Matt also tightened his hold on his boy, inhaling in his sweet smell. Such a comforting scent. Some people thought abdl was all about the baby, but in reality, the caregiver got so much from it. It was beyond the physical, it was a connexion, it filled a void deep inside him that otherwise, would have kept growing. His baby was giving him just as much as he was receiving, that was for sure. He wanted to make sure he stayed protected and happy. He adored how his baby was clinging to him, it was not only the thrill of seeing a grown man regressed, thought that had its thrill, it was the raw trust his baby was placing on him. In order to be seen in such a fragile way, someone who was used to be as dominant and alpha based as Joshy was, had to place a lot of trust into him. He had to fully believe that him, as his daddy could protect him, nurture him, and care for him. The fact that he was willing to do so, that deep trust, which was growing slowly, filled Matt with a warm feeling. It allowed him to relax and focus his attention on his little boy, forgetting all his everyday life problems.

He paused in front of the elevator, called it, and got inside. All the while holding his precious baby boy. Once the doors had opened, he heard his baby gasp, which did not surprise him at all. It sure had been a good idea to install this particular elevator; he did not keep a mirror in the nursery for this very reason. The elevator provided a full mirror, the inside was basically a mirror, and it allowed his baby boy to see himself fully for the first time, which, based on his reaction had the desired effect.

Josh gasped when he saw himself in the mirror for the first time. He looked utterly babyish. The onesie hugged his body tightly, its color somehow suited him, especially where it closed against his crotch. The plastic pants peeked from both sides, adding a little extra bulk to the already bulky diaper. It made it impossible to divert the attention from Josh's little tushy, it looked so big. And puffy, making it impossible for anyone to miss that he was a baby. The matching socks added that little bit extra that tied the whole look together. He had avoided looking at his face first, and he'd been right to do it, the same face he'd seen this morning, generally described as handsome, now could only be called cute. The pacifier was creating the most babyish picture, filling up his cheeks in a very childlike manner. And since he had cried before, he still had some redness around his eyes, which, combined with the fact that he was dead tired, reminded him of a baby that had just been reluctantly awakened from a nap. But the best part, the one that had made him gasp, was the fact that he was being carried like a two-year-old, perched on his daddy's hip, one hand supporting his bum and the other surrounding his midsection. He saw himself clutching his daddy's neck for support and with his head leaning against his shoulder, using it as his own personal pillow. His muscular frame, albeit hidden by the onesie, was still evident, it somehow made the whole image looked more arousing. One would think that all that muscle had to somehow counteract the infantile garments, but for some reason, it didn't. Joshy thought it might have to do with the fact that he looked smaller and cuter than Matt. He was standing tall, carrying him as if he were no weightier than a real baby, There was no exhaustion on his face, he looked absolutely at ease carrying him.

It looked so natural that nobody would have been able to tell that this was his first time; it was as if they had gone through this routine thousands of times. He could play the scenario on his mind really easily, he'd played it on his dreams a million times before. Josh could not help but wonder if it was because Matt was an experienced caregiver, or because of the strange connection, he thought they had. Maybe he was the only one who thought that. He wouldn't be surprised if that was the case, he himself did not understand it just yet. Maybe he was just imagining things. He was straight after all, and Matt had taken care of other guys before him; to him, this must be just another abdl play, right? The thought made him a little sad, though he did not know why. He looked at his reflection once more to distract himself. All in all, the effect was staggering. He'd dreamt about this before, in those lonely and darks nights when all he could do was cover his face with his blanket and pretend that everything was okay. Curling himself as much as possible, feeling so small and helpless. When things went sour, or he'd had a stressful day, the only thing that seemed to get him going was imagining himself being babied. Those were the days when he usually had the dreams. In those dreams, he looked similar to how he looked now, all babyish. There was always a grown-up figure, though he had never been able to discern whether it was a daddy or a mommy, he'd always thought it'd be a mommy, but seeing how Matt was caring for him, it might have been a .. a .. daddy? he could never see the figure clearly. It took care of him, catering to all his needs, always putting him first and making sure he was cuddled and happy. He always woke up with tears on his eyes after those dreams, though it made him a little ashamed to admit it. Now he was not sad, this was not a dream, it was reality. He felt his dick still straining against the fabric of his diaper, he could feel it bumping against his daddy's side, and the sensation was incredible. He felt as if he could cum just from this alone. His feelings were in turmoil, he loved it, but at the same time, there was that nagging shame he did not seem to be able to shake off.

Matt loved how coy his boy was acting, glancing at the mirror, and then averting his gaze, just to look at it again. He was enjoying the situation. If the strain in his groin, now bumping against his side again, was any indication. This was one of his favorite parts. If he'd had placed a mirror in the nursery, Josh would have seen himself there immediately after being diapered, but due to space issues, it would have had to be a small mirror placed on the floor, not allowing for the full picture to form, by placing it here, he could see himself while being carried by his daddy. And since the four walls were mirrors, he had different perspectives from which to admire himself. He knew from experience that this helped littles a lot when it came to headspace.

Joshy kept on sneaking glances at the mirror, almost as if he did not fully believe the situation he was in. Matt bounced him a little on his knee, relishing the feeling of being able to carry his boy. This made all those killer gym hours well worth it. He'd found before that bouncing him calmed his baby, and so he was planning on making it a habit, "how do you like how you look, sweetie?" Josh turned beet red and hid again against his shoulder. It was rapidly becoming his favorite spot. Matt chuckled, he knew he was not going to get a word out of his baby. But still, worth the effort, the cuteness overload, he was living for it.

Josh wanted to answer, he just did not know-how. He liked what he saw, he loved what he saw, and how it felt, but he was having trouble being able to express it. He kept looking at himself, loving it, feeling embarrassed, shying away from his reflection, just to look at it again. It was as if his reflection was compelling him to look, it was almost an irresistible pull. He felt like he was seeing himself for the first time, a part of himself he had kept hidden, buried where the light never reached.

Daddy, I mean Josh, I mean daddy, started bouncing him slowly. He loved that movement, it was so relaxing, and humiliating at the same time, it also made his dick rub against his daddy, albeit not enough to cum from it. He could hear the diaper faintly crinkling as it was being squished by his daddy's hand. It was such a turn on. He was hard, but he was also exhausted, both mentally and physically, from today's activities. Today he'd opened many doors, and he loved it, but it sure was taking a toll on him. His need for release and rest were battling each other. He did not know which one would win. If he were home, he'd jerk off and then sleep, 5 mins would be enough, he did not think he'd last more after having been babied like this, but here, Joshy wanted to enjoy the first time cumming as an adult baby, he did not want it to end fast. He yawned, slumping farther into Matt's arms, his head completely resting upon his shoulder. Matt patted his head slowly "It's almost nap time, sweetie. We get your num, nums, and then I'll put you to bed. Just hold on for daddy". Josh was so tired, he just mumbled his acquiescence. Not moving his head from his favorite spot. It felt like the elevator ride was endless. Time seemed to have stopped for him, he could feel himself being pulled into a sweet trance.

Matt took him out of the elevator, and Josh sneaked one last glance at himself in the mirror. He could not get enough of how he looked. If he weren't so tired, he'd have jumped down from his daddy's arms and jerked off immediately. He resigned himself to wait and allowed his daddy to take him into the kitchen.

The place was big. It looked new, as if it had just been recently renovated, or never been used at all. Matt, I mean, "daddy" certainly had enough money to not have to cook. He did remember having talked about how much he ate out due to his job. The counters were made of shiny white marble, and there was a big isle at the center, with four black stools. All the appliances looked professional, aluminum gray with a glossy finish. He'd noticed it before, but there was not a speck of dirt to be seen. All of the house Josh had seen so far had been spotless, which made him wonder if "daddy" cleaned, or had someone come and clean. Because if it was the second option, Josh could not think he'd be able to withstand allowing anyone else to see him like this. He trusted Matt, surely that was not something to be worried about; after all, it'd be as embarrassing for him too, right? He started to get anxious when he remembered that he'd said he built the secret nursery to make sure nobody found out his kinks. There was no way he would counteract that much work by being carless on this front. He could trust that much, at least. Between Matt's constant bouncing and that last thought, he felt his anxiety beginning to subside, he kept on inspecting the space to distract himself.

Josh kept on looking around, marveling at the design. Everything looked so fancy. He finally rested his eyes on a white table surrounded with five black chairs and crowned by a very ornate chandelier. The table was placed right in front of a big window frame by velvety white curtains that led to what looked like a big fenced backyard. Outdoors, Matt seemed to have some cool stuff, Joshy spied a pool and some sort of wooden structure, but his eyes didn't investigate further for they locked on the high wooden chair that sat at the head of the table, occupying the place the sixth chair should have been in. It was obviously big enough to accommodate an adult, it was decorated with paw patrol stickers. It was white and light blue somehow so at odds with the rest of the decor. The bottom of the chair had wheels, he supposed those were to move it when it was not in use, so it wouldn't be seen by anyone.

Daddy noticed his attention focused on the chair. He had planned every single detail to perfection, he'd wanted everything to be perfect for his little boy.

Josh was getting to know other parts of Matt he hadn't thought about before. This guy whom he'd been talking to for a year, who shared so many of his interests and passions, was beginning to take real form in his mind. For a whole year, he'd imagine how he'd be and how he'd take care of his babies, but he would have never in a million years thought he'd be this through. The guy liked to do things to perfection. He was very methodical and seemed to always be prepared for everything. It was a very comforting feeling, knowing that someone who was so obviously put together was going to take care of him. "I see you like your new chair, sweetie." Josh flushed, as daddy made for the chair. He placed him on it.  
His diaper crinkled where it touched the seat. Making him blushy again, he wished he had something to hide his face with. It had a very comfortable cushion covered with a plastic sheet and was high enough for Josh's feet to not touch the ground. He felt so little sitting there, but the height panicked him a little. For some reason, he felt as if now, not being in his daddy's arms, he'd fall. He knew, deep inside that the notion was ridiculous, he'd never fall that stupidly, and even if he did, he'd fallen so many times at practice, that a small fall here, should not matter. But for some reason, now that he was away from Matt, he felt as if his source of security had been completely ripped away. All rational thought left his mind for a second, and without realizing it, his lip started trembling, and he made grabby hands for Matt, whimpering softly.

A few things happened at the same time, Matt had not been expecting for Joshy to fall so deep into headspace so fast. No, that could not be it. Could it be that Josh had been craving this so much, that the moment he'd latched into it, his little feelings had taken root so deep he was feeling overwhelmed? He had underestimated how much his precious boy had been repressing himself. Matt immediately lifted his baby boy again and started cuddling him in his arms. "It's okay, sweetie, daddy's here, you are okay". He kept whispering sweet nothings into his baby's ears, holding him as close as he could.

Josh felt it once the rush of panic had subsided, which had happened exactly when he'd been picked up by daddy. He had utterly made a fool of himself, what the hell was happening to him. For a split second, he'd been terrified of such a stupid thing. And what was with his reaction, making grabby hands for Matt and whimpering. He was beet red, the embarrassment seemed to have no end today. But if he had to be honest with himself, he loved being cuddled by his daddy, I mean Matt. He'd picked him up so fast, and was holding him so close. Josh could tell Matt was genuinely distressed for him. He had not hesitated, not even for a second. The moment he'd seen Josh in distress, he had jumped to the rescue. Joshy felt shamefully thrilled by the idea.

Matt kept calming his boy down. He could feel his hand rub his baby's tushy, the crinkly diaper, and the tight onesie, he loved Joshy like this. He could already tell he was going to be a very needy baby. Matt was going to have a serious problem separating from this one, he could already tell.

When his baby seemed calmer, he gently set him down on the high chair again. He pulled himself apart, which proved to be an extremely difficult thing to do, and looking into his baby's eyes, still a little damp and red, he said, "Daddy is sorry if I did not notice you were not ready to let go, sweetie", he kept on caressing Joshy's cheek, removing those small tears with his hand. The contrast between his rough hands and his baby's smooth cheeks did not escape him.

Josh could not believe his ears, Matt, who looked genuinely distressed by Joshy's reaction, though he'd started that whole show because he did not want to pull away from him? But that was not it, he'd felt afraid because he did not want to fall, right? Or maybe he'd wanted to keep on being surrounded by that nice and warm embrace? Joshy's head was in turmoil, he did not even know what he was feeling anymore, he just knew he wanted to make sure Matt knew he was not the problem. He still had the big pacifier on his mouth, and he did not know how to express himself very well with words. He'd never been that type of guy, and this situation would do nothing to improve that lack of skill. So he did the next best thing, he reached his arms for Matt and hugged him, turning around his head slightly to rub his nose and pacifier against his daddy's cheek. He'd seen an adult baby doing just that to his daddy, and the daddy had seemed really happy afterward.

Matt certainly was not expecting this. He smiled brightly. How could someone be so cute? This was getting dangerous, he knew he wanted the boy, but Josh was straight and did not know how attached he could get. What if then Joshy left, and he could never find this perfect feeling of contentment again? He did not know what to think anymore. Best to just enjoy the moment for now. He placed a kiss on top of his baby's forehead and patted his back. "Daddy loves you, sweety, you're my perfect baby boy."Joshy blushed even harder at that.

Josh could get used to this, it was becoming his favorite thing, this warm feeling he got whenever Matt paid attention to him. He was proud of himself, he'd just made Matt smile. Daddy prompted him to sit back properly, admiring his baby's flushed cheeks, secured his baby boy to the chair with a small seatbelt strap that crossed in the middle, and placed the tray down around him so he would not fall. Joshy was getting more warmed up to this than he'd thought. Matt could not wipe the smile from his face the whole time. He was just so precious.

Josh was embarrassed, albeit less than at the beginning. Perhaps the more he allowed himself to accept himself, the less he'd feel self-conscious about this. He saw Matt, I mean daddy, pull down the tray, and finally understood. Of course, a high chair usually has a tray. He exhaled a little and pushed experimentally against the tray. It would not budge at all. That was odd, he hadn't seen Matt lock it anywhere. It didn't even seem to have a lock of any kind. Even if he wanted, there was no way for him to get out of the chair. He felt utterly helpless, which was exhilarating and scary at the same time.

Seeing his baby's worried expression again, and fully knowing the cause this time, daddy said: "Don't worry sweetie, I can keep on carrying you if you feel uncomfortable on the chair, but daddy is gonna have a harder time preparing your meal". Josh stopped tugging at the tray for a second and considered it, daddy was using a very babyish tone with him, he was almost cooing, he also saw the love and care displayed on his eyes, he knew that if he wanted, Matt would carry him and cook at the same time, regardless of the difficulty of such a feat. Knowing that sent a shiver of pleasure through his body. It made a very primal part of him very happy; it reassured him so fast. He did not fully understand why, though. He could understand that it also played into his horniness, sending a rush of pleasure to his straining crotch, which moved his focus to how hard he was. He nodded, looking at his hands as if they held all the secrets of the universe, and hoping Matt did not notice how aroused he was.

Daddy saw his little boy calming down and smiled, ruffling his beautiful and silky hair, he'd wanted to do that again since he'd discovered how soft it was. He was going to make sure to wash his hair to perfection to keep it like that. "Just stay here while daddy makes num nums, sweetie. I'll be in your sight at all times", with that he went about preparing the food.

Josh kept looking at his daddy's back while he cooked, it was so wide and strong. The strap that held him to his high chair crossed through his legs, and as tight as it was, it pushed the diaper's fabric against his dick. And since his dick was pointing upwards now, perhaps if... He did not want to make it super obvious, the last thing he wanted was for Matt to see him doing this. Even though he'd already seen so much, this felt more intimate, more personal. He gave an experimental tug against his strap. The result was exhilarating. He tried again. The sensation was fantastic, he was already so close, he did not think it would take too many more trusts. So he tried again, this time with more confidence. He started sucking his pacifier rhythmically at the same tempo. Relishing in those sweet babyish sounds and smells that were enveloping him constantly now. He started thinking of what he was doing. He was wearing a diaper and a pacifier, and he had been carried. Every thought, sending a jolt of pleasure to his already straining dick. He thought of how humiliating this whole thing was, and how helpless it made him, how those at college would react if they saw him. Different scenarios that he knew now by heart played inside his mind. He'd been fantasizing about this for years and years after all. He thought of how humiliating this whole situation felt, and how it would feel to pee-pee on his diaper. How warm it would feel, and how the smell would unavoidably change, it would cling to him until he was changed. He kept on humping against the strap, now with more force. He imagined himself right now, in this very moment, helplessly humping against his high chair, because he was a little baby who was so horny he could not contain himself. He imagined his daddy stroking his little pee-pee because he was too small to know how to do that. He was so close now, he could feel his orgasm reaching him, his whole body contracting in preparation for it. Small beads of sweat were starting to form on his forehead. All those years since he had discovered abdl, he had had fantasies of being kept in diapers and treated like a baby. The scents and the voice of his daddy, talking to him in such a demeaning way, made him feel utterly lost in the moment. And so, eyes closed, sucking frantically on his pacy, he had started rubbing the front of his diaper vigorously with his hands now.

Joshy was so engrossed in his pleasure, that when his daddy appeared in front of him and grabbed both his arms, he startled. He opened his eyes, seeing Matt right in front of him. Somehow he looked impossibly taller now, he was towering over him, that combined with the look he was giving him, made him feel like if he'd done something bad. Something very shameful. He came to and blushed, he'd been so engrossed in what he was doing, he had not thought of the time nor place, and now Matt had both his hands grabbed in both of his, in an iron grip. Just how strong was he? He was mortified.

Matt had been preparing his baby's food, mushed veggies, and some turkey when he'd heard soft whimpers behind him. He'd turned around to check on his baby, thinking that he might be distressed again, only to find his boy rubbing the front of his diaper. Now, he was all about tending to his boy's needs, but there was a time and place for it, and babies should listen to their daddies. Especially when it came to these things, it had been, after all, incredibly hard for him to contain his hard-on too. He had been thinking of asking Joshy if he'd be alright with him making him do cummies before his night time change, but he'd never expected his baby to take matters into his own hands. That would simply not do. "Now, sweety, this is not good behavior, is it?" His baby was looking down at his tray, too embarrassed to say anything. "What did daddy tell you? Daddy would help you with these things, but a baby should not touch himself like that". He kept on looking down at his baby, he did not want to be too harsh. After all, it was Joshy's first time, but babies needed boundaries, it just came with the abdl experience. He was supposed to care for him and teach him, and he knew that part of that was making sure he knew he should always behave and do what his daddy told him, he knew Joshy also craved some authority in his life, someone who cared for him so deeply he'd scold him if necessary.

Joshy was completely awestruck, it wasn't fear, well maybe a little, Matt looked a bit intimidating if he was being honest, but it was more like he felt disappointed at himself. He kept his head looking down, he knew he'd done wrong, but he'd been so horny, and.. and..., he could not believe how intimidating Daddy looked now. He was ashamed of himself but also, if he had to admit it, hard. For some reason, Matt's expression and the obvious dominance he exuded, were kind of a turn on. Not to mention, he'd been so close to cumming. He knew he'd fare better if he kept looking sorry, but his curiosity got the better of him, he wanted to take a small peek at Matt again, so he risked it and looked up. He started sucking on his pacifier for solace. Matt was towering over him, looking down at him as he would a toddler who's done something he should not. He averted his gaze again, it was too intimidating and embarrassing.

"Look at me, sweetie," Matt was still not releasing his bay's hands. It was becoming hard to stay mad, his baby boy looked so adorable, looking so sorry and dejected, he obviously knew he was in trouble. It was obvious he was still hard, but he wasn't planning on giving him any release just yet, he'd have to wait.

Joshy looked up at his daddy again. Trying to fix his stare on a point of his face other than his eyes, those were hard to look at right now. Matt released one of his hands and gently coaxed his head upwards so that he was looking him in the eye. It was essential, making him understand that his daddy was the authority where these things were concerned. "Do you understand why daddy is mad, sweetie?". He took his baby's pacifier out so he could speak. Joshy allowed it, being a pliant little baby, or perhaps not having expected it being removed.

Joshy felt his pacifier being removed and immediately wanted it back, that thing gave so much comfort, it was unreal. He was being forced to look into Matt's eyes, and the shame was kicking him in the butt. He wanted the pacifier back, and he didn't like this more serious version of Matt. Even if part of him was excited at it. There were few things more exhilarating for an adult baby, that being scolded by their caregivers like a real baby. It was both demeaning and comforting. It played into the game of power and humiliation, whilst also showing how much he cared for him. So much so, that he'd get serious when he had to.

"Tell Daddy what you've done wrong, sweetie. I know you can do it". Joshy was mortified, but if he wanted to move on, he knew he'd had to comply, also he wanted his pacy and a hug. And the realization of all of this made him want to hide again on his daddy's shoulder. Why wasn't he being cuddled instead? no...no...no... he could not give in completely, he was afraid of how fast he was adjusting to this whole thing. It felt almost as if he was a completely different person, and it had only been a couple of hours since he'd met Matt in person.

"C'mon sweetie, tell daddy. Use your words for daddy". Josh knew he had done wrong, and that he should say so, but it was embarrassing as hell. He did not know how to start. He also knew Matt was not going to relent on this one like he'd done a couple of times before. This time he was seriously waiting for an answer. "I....I...., sorry," mumbled Josh, looking down again.

"What's that, sweetie? We can do better, can't we? C'mon, tell daddy what you've done wrong". He unstrapped Joshy from the high chair, lifted the tray and picked him up, cuddling him close. "C'mon sweetie, this way is not so embarrassing. Tell daddy". Joshy burrowed into his favorite spot once more, sighing. This was better, so much better. This picking him up thing was never going to get old, he knew that for sure "I...., I..., shouldn't have, mmmm... touched". He was so embarrassed right now he wanted to run to the airport and change countries. Perhaps even change his name.

"We can still do better, sweetie, tell daddy properly, and he'll give you a little friend to play with". He kept slowly bouncing his boy. Joshy was having a hard time, but he wanted to move on from this, it was just too embarrassing, and he knew pretty much what he had to say to do so, he'd read enough abdl stories to know how to proceed. "I...touched myself, and....." he closed his eyes, how could this be so hard, people made it look so easy on Tumblr" I should.... have.. waited". Matt started patting his back. "Okey sweetie, but, you know better than that, use your baby words, sweetie, c'mon tell daddy properly what you've done". He knew Josh was having a hard time with this, be he needed to make sure Joshy knew, firstly, who was in charge, and secondly, he needed to build that trust where his baby would not be so embarrassed by every little thing in front of him. He needed to make sure he knew he could talk to daddy with no inhibitions.

Josh was getting harder again, this whole baby talk his daddy was using did not help at all. He knew he could just leave and be done for, but he was too engrossed with this; he didn't want to end, mainly because he knew he was the one in the wrong now. He braced himself, he knew he could do it, they were alone after all, and Matt had changed him, literally, he had seen more embarrassing parts of him. He mustered as much courage as he could "I'm sowwy daddyy," he pressed himself closer to his daddy. Funny how in order to run away from this situation, which was coming from his daddy, he decided to get closer to him to escape the shame he felt. Since he was close to his daddy's ear, he softly said, "I... not... not... touch peee-peee, me sowwy". And the prize to the most incredibly embarrassing moment of his life goes to... He closed his eyes, the embarrassment was out of this world.

Matt was beaming, his baby boy had done it perfectly, and with that cute tone to boost. Wow, he really had to calm himself down a little, the excitement though, he wanted nothing more than to jerk off. He was so proud of his baby. He was so cute he could eat him up. He hugged him, keeping him very close. "That's my baby boy, good job, sweetie". He kept on happily, bouncing him on his hip, patting his back. Josh was beet red, trying very hard to conceal his face on his daddy's shoulder. It really was the perfect spot for that.

"Daddy, was mad because he loves you very much, you know that." He started kissing his hair and tightening his grip. "I just want what's best for you, sweetie I know you want to do cummies, but if you wait for a little more, daddy's gonna make it feel really good for you. Can you do that for daddy?" Josh was way too embarrassed to answer, he did want to come, after all, he had not finished before, and at this point, he did not care if it was with his daddy's help. So he just nodded.

Matt was over the moon, his baby was truly the best. He hugged him one more time, replaced him on his high chair, gave him back his pacifier, and secured the tray back in front of him. "Wait here sweetie, daddy's gonna go get something for you". He kissed his baby's forehead again, every time he did that, Josh felt a very warm feeling surge from his belly upward, it made him so giddy.

Matt came back immediately, he could not have gone too far, Josh could tell that he was holding something behind his back. "here you go sweetie" said daddy handing him a baby blue teddy bear.

Josh looked at it and instinctively raised his hands towards it as if transfixed. Daddy chuckled, "what do we say when we get a present, sweetie?".

Josh looked up, blushing and, knowing what was expected of him, said "thank you," which, thanks to the pacifier still filling his mouth, sounded very much like" fankeuuu". Daddy smiled broadly and handed it to him.

He immediately hugged it and let out a deep exhale, as if the little cuddly thing was just the thing he'd just needed. "now, now, don't we have a name for the little bear?", Josh blushed profusely and covered his face with it. He had not thought that far, he was just beginning to enjoy its softness. The embarrassment seemed to have no end with Matt. Daddy relished it, if only because it made his boy look even more babyish and cute. "c'mon, you have to name it, you don't want him to be sad, do you?" Josh only pressed his face harder against the plushy. It seemed a good alternative for when he was not in Matt's arms. Daddy chuckled, and realizing he wasn't going to get an answer from his shy boy, and not wanting to push him again so soon, relented. He went to the counter, picked up Joshy's food, sat down on the chair closest to his baby, and angled it towards him. He took Joshy's teddy bear and placed it securely on the high chair's seat. Joshy seemed not to like that. "It's so it does not get dirty, sweetie. Look, it's right by your side". Joshy blushed and grabbed the teddy bears' arm with one of his. He did not want it to feel lonely. What? Sue him.

Josh saw the plate was paw patrol inspired, and so was the sippy cup, he smiled, he liked that, but the food..., he eyed the food skeptically, it looked very mushy, not really yummy, and he had just had lunch not too long ago, so he wasn't particularly hungry. But he didn't want his daddy's efforts to go to waste. Daddy lifted the spoon to feed him at the same time that Josh made grabby hands for the spoon.

Daddy halted him, "now, now, little boys do not feed themselves. Open up, sweetie". Josh knew this was part of the experience, and he did want to enjoy the whole of it. It was just ingrained on him to feed himself, so he'd reached for the cutlery out of habit. But if he was going to do this, he better get a hold of himself and enjoy it. Otherwise, he would not get into the "famous" headspace he'd read so much about, and he really wanted to know what it was about. Or was what he had been feeling up to now, small snippets of that place?

Daddy spoon-fed him every last bit of the meal, making cooing sounds and airplanes throughout. He also brought the sippy cup to his baby's lips when he was thirsty, which had not surprised Josh at all. By the end, Josh was left with half of the concoction on his face and half on his tummy. The food was good, but it tasted kinda funny. Maybe it was because his daddy was not used to cooking. Since it felt rude to point it out, he kept silent about it.

Josh felt his hard-on not subsiding during the whole meal due to the cooing and baby treatment. He was having trouble concentrating on anything other than his straining erection. It felt as if his babyish state was leaving him feeling a tad extra horny than usual. All the events from the morning were spinning around his head, making him squirm in his seat. Daddy, of course, noticed but seemed not to want to pay attention to it just yet. Josh was having a hard time with it, he really wanted to cum, but he did not want to disappoint daddy, or make him make that face from before again, so he supposed he would have to wait. Really, he did not think he'd ever been as hard before.

After finishing the meal, Daddy cleaned his face with a napkin and kissed him on the cheek. "All full, aren't you sweetie?" he said while tickling his tummy. Josh giggled, and since he felt so full, the action of laughing caused him to let out a tinny burp. He flushed. Hiding again behind his new plushy, which had grabbed again upon being cleaned. Daddy smiled and ruffled his hair.

Matt unstrapped Joshy and got him down from the highchair, placing him on the floor. Josh was lost for a second. The wooden floors were kind of warm, he felt really babyish sitting on his diaper on the floor, looking at his daddy. His diapers made crinkling sounds against the polished wooden floor every time he moved a little, and to be honest, it was an addictive sound. He really couldn't wait to be alone in that amazing nursery to experiment more with those baby postures, sounds, and smells; he wanted to be alone there for a while to fully process everything that had transpired so far.

He looked up from his sitting position to his daddy, not understanding what was expected of him. Josh also noticed that he looked impossibly bigger from this perspective, which just served to exacerbate the difference between them, "Daddy's arms are tired sweetie, you have to crawl to the living room, so we can get your baba, and then I'll take you up for a nap." Matt was having a hard time restraining himself from cooing at how adorable his baby looked. Of course, he could still carry him, but he wanted to see him crawl. Who could blame him?

Josh flushed and clutched harder his new teddy bear, hiding his face behind it and purposely not moving at all. To crawl now out of the blue, surely that should happen on day two, right?

Matt crouched in front of him and enveloped his baby in a warm hug. "It's okay sweetie, I know this whole thing makes you embarrassed, and I did tell you we can take it slow, but I do want you to let go and enjoy. I'm not gonna judge you, and nobody is gonna see you here. You just have to trust me, and most importantly, listen to yourself." This last part, he said, pointing at his heart. He was right, Joshy had enjoyed everything so far, albeit with shame and feeling a little self-conscious, but there was no denying that he loved abdl play. He knew that he was the only one who was repressing himself. After all, they were alone, and he already trusted Matt, I mean daddy. He needed to completely let go of his inhibitions and completely surrender himself to his little side, he was sure it was the only way for him to truly enjoy this. And while he knew that some embarrassment was impossible to avoid, being a grown-up guy and having had ingrained on him from a very young age that he had to be a big boy, he knew it was bearable. Matt had started drawing small circles on Josh's back, while he waited for his baby boy to decide what he wanted, trying to ease his anxiety a little.

Josh did not know how this man knew exactly what he needed at every moment, but that hug was precisely it. The warm feeling of Matt's arms around him, and his now more familiar scent combined with a full belly of warm food and the comfort of the diaper, were enough to prompt him to make a decision. Matt kissed his cheek and looked at Joshy on the eye. "if you are not ready, I can carry you, sweetie." Josh shook his head, signaling with his head for Matt to lead the way. A profuse blush was coloring his beautiful cheeks.

He looked so cute, so determined, signaling with his head for Matt to lead the way. Matt chuckled, and grabbing the warm bottle from the counter, started for the living room.

The room was gigantic, with high ceilings and warm beige walls. The place had been made to revolve around a big fireplace made of marble. The thing was huge, and it complemented the space just right. The furniture, in communion with the rest of the house, was modern, there was a "u" shaped white couch full of black, gray and white pillows. In front of it, there was a very soft looking black rug that supported two small square tables. There were big windows to one side of the room that led to the same backyard he'd seen from the kitchen. Here Joshy would have a better view of it if he were on his feet, that is. From his perspective, though, he could only see the shape of a big pool and that wooden building. The ceiling had lots of tiny led lights that gave a very magical and intimate feeling to the whole room; at night, he was sure, they would look like stars. And on the other side, opposite to the windows, he could see a grand stair that curved upward, leading to the upper floors. There was a wooden home bar to the right of the stairs, and dozens of expensive-looking alcohol bottles were behind it. Finished by four white stools.

Joshy followed daddy to the couch, crawling on his hands and knees, the rug was super soft, it made him think of how it had to feel like walking on clouds. From this perspective, everything looked bigger, making him feel smaller. He had not crawled in years, not even daring to try in the privacy of his dorm room. Just the thought of having done anything remotely Abdl related even alone had made him want to dig a hole and hide. Imagining, dreaming, and watching on a computer screen was okay, but anything more had felt like too much as if he'd be crossing a boundary he did not know if he wanted to cross. He thought that if he ever did, he would not be able to turn back. That was why he had never bought any diapers or any abdl related stuff, even though he'd wanted to. Oh, and how he'd wanted to. So many times, he'd gotten into abdl online stores, placing things on the trolly, tucked under the blankets of bed, as if they provided an extra layer of cover from prying eyes, just to end up exiting the pages empty-handed. And now he was wearing those very things he'd wanted to buy so many times, those things he'd wanted to use for so long. He was making progress, he was sure, he could tell by how his daddy had looked at him. He was breaking all those boundaries he'd set for himself today as if by being with Matt, he was empowered to fully immerse himself into his deepest fantasies.

Matt would have wanted to be the one behind, he really was looking forward to watching his baby crawl. He should have thought it better, he'd be sure to find an opportunity to see him crawl, of that he was sure. He sat on the couch and patted his lap, motioning for Josh to lay on it.

Josh hesitated for a second, this felt way too intimate to him. But a stern look from daddy had him complying. He could not shy away from every little thing like that. He had just promised himself to try and let himself be little. Hopefully, once he got used to it all, he'd get better at it, wait could one get better at something like this? More like he'd let loose more. That is if a couple of days was enough to get used to this. He laid on daddy's lap, still clutching his teddy bear, which he had carried with him from the kitchen, and sucking franticly on his pacifier. Daddy reassured him, caressing his head softly and telling him what a good boy he was.

Josh took a second to savor the moment. This was a whole new level of intimacy. His daddy had him on his lap, his head propped on his shoulder. With one arm, he was enveloping him, going all the way around him and cupping his hand on top of his belly, with the other he was holding a baby bottle. It was made out of plastic, and it had cute bears on it, the size was much too big for it to be made for a baby, and the teat was also larger, he was sure it would fill his mouth. Matt was looking down at him, and he had this gentle and loving expression on his face. As if all he could see was Joshy, and nothing else mattered. There was so much love in that gaze, and also a promise of protection. Josh had never had feelings for a guy, but he had to recognize that it would be nice to always be the recipient of those gazes. He knew Matt was only acting as a caregiver, he'd do it with other abdl's just the same. He should not care, he was straight after all, but he'd never felt so comfortable with anyone before. Which is why none of his relationships had lasted, and why he jumped from girl to girl, discarding them when they couldn't provide the comfort he so desperately sought. He couldn't blame them, though. After all, they did not know how deep his needs went. They loved it when he was a little clingy and touchy, but he had never allowed himself to go farther, he'd always stop himself right before. Somehow there was something about that whole thing that made him a tiny bit sad. Jeez, it felt as if by allowing himself to be babied, his feeling were intensifying.

Matt started moving the baby bottle in front of Joshy, shaking it at first to mix the contents thoroughly. Joshy looked at it and gulped, he had already drunk a whole sippy cup and eaten two meals, he was already feeling his bladder swell, and he knew that after the bottle, the pressure would be worse. There was also the fact that if he got an erection, peeing would not be easy, especially if he had to do it in a diaper for the first time. He knew that eventually, he'd have to pee, but it still felt incredibly mortifying. He was pondering this when daddy said, "open up, sweetie, its time for your baba."

Josh gulped, if he was telling the truth, he was a little intrigued by the bottle. He did want to know what it felt like to drink from it, how warm the milk was, what it tasted like. He made grabby hands for it, but daddy moved them gently away. "I'm sorry, sweetie, but babies don't hold their bottles, now, do they? You would spill it everywhere, and we don't want that". Joshy nodded as if transfixed, maybe he was just too tired today. He allowed his daddy to remove his pacifier from his mouth. He felt oddly strange without it, he couldn't believe how much reassurance and calm that small piece of paraphernalia had given him in so little time. "Good boy, sweetie, don't be shy, daddy knows you like your babas." It was true that, during their first conversations online, daddy had asked him which aspects of Abdl he was into. Josh clearly remembered receiving the message while exiting the locker room after practice, because he almost had a heart attack when his best friend, Andrew, sneaked up on him from behind, trying to read the message he had just received. Of course, he had imagined it must have been from one of the girls he had been flirting with, and he had not managed to read it, but still, he'd almost had a heart attack right there and then.

He had told daddy that one of his fantasies was being bottle-fed, and it seemed that he clearly remembered that. Daddy gently placed the large nipple on his mouth, and Josh closed his eyes, clutching harder his new teddy bear. He was trying to get as much comfort from it as possible. He had expected some light play to begin with, but it seemed they were going full throttle.

It was kind of weird at first, getting used to it, but after a while, he got the gist of it. He felt a stream of warm, sweet milk filling his mouth. For the first time that day, he allowed himself to enjoy it and get lost in the sensations. To forget his big alpha side, and just be, here in his daddy's house, enveloped by those strong and secure arms. There was only one way to describe what he was feeling, it was pure bliss. He started sucking faster, too immersed in his role to notice.

"Slow down, sweetie, you'll choke," said daddy chuckling, while he patted his hair. Josh felt himself get into a small trance. His inhibitions started to lift as if in this moment of complete relaxation, he could just be himself, little baby Joshy. He was beginning to drift off to sleep when an enormous pressure on his bladder got him out of his rivière. He tried to ignore it, but it was not subsiding.

Matt loved the sight of Joshy drinking from his baba. He had closed his eyes almost immediately after latching on to it, and he supposed that unconsciously, he was curling himself into him. He kept on caressing his tummy slowly with his free hand. This was such a beautiful moment for him. Slowly, his baby was getting more used to being himself. He could tell he was opening up to him, allowing him in. And Matt knew how hard that must have been. He was admiring his baby when he saw him scrunch up his face as if holding..... He needed to pee, he could tell. Knowing him, he'd try to hold it in for as long as possible and end up hurting himself. So he started rubbing his tummy "shhh, let it flow, sweetie, you'll feel so much better. Who's a good boy? Yes, you are, sweetie".

Josh could feel the pressure build-up, his daddy was pressing gently on his stomach, and all that liquid wanted some out. He knew it'd be embarrassing, but he did not see much of a choice, he was going to do it anyway. And he did not want out of this trance-like situation he was experiencing. He kept sucking on his baba and did not dare open his eyes, clutching his teddy bear even harder, until he felt a warm stream of pee start feeling his diaper. Daddy started cooing at him. He felt him place his free hand on his diaper, pressing it this way and that.

Josh just could not be bothered to care anymore, he had just pissed himself, on another grown man's lap, while being bottle-fed, he was embarrassed and turned on again, he thought he was going to explode from another need now. He wanted to release it, and he wanted it soon.

Daddy felt Josh's pee-pee get harder "oh my, we have a happy little boy here," he said while stroking his dick through the diaper and onesie. Joshy let out a low moan. The diaper now felt warm and moist, and since the onesie was so tight, it was pressing harder against his crotch. The smell of the diaper combined with the scent of the milk and his daddy's hand were almost enough to get him off. He'd gotten so close before, but he had not been able to finish, which is why now he was so eager. He had never been this turned on in his life.

Matt wasn't planning on making his baby do cummies just yet, but he looked relaxed and pliant, and so cute, how could he ever deny him. He could tell his baby was having one heck of a hard-on, he was so turned on. Joshy had finished his baba, and now Matt stopped rubbing him abruptly.

Joshy was perplexed, one moment he was being rubbed through his diaper, and the next he wasn't? That was not nice, and... he felt himself being shifted. Daddy was moving him so that he was no sitting on top of him. Joshy did not understand the position, he was kneeling on the couch, both his knees on both sides of his daddy's legs, he felt a little unstable, so he placed his arms around his daddy's neck. He could not understand the position. He was on top of his daddy now "c'mon sweetie, make stickies for daddy, rub yourself against daddy, and make cummies in your diaper."

Joshy was mortified. This position? And rubbing against him? That was humiliating, but at the same time, he did not think he could hold anymore, he wanted to cum. Masculinity be damed, he half sat on top of his daddy's legs and pressed himself as close to him as possible, bretahing in the musky, somewhat honeyed scent of him. He was definitely getting used to it. He could tell even through his diaper that his daddy's was hard too, which somehow made him even hornier. Joshy, not used to this, started to hump slowly, now with his pacifier back in his mouth, sucking on it, First slowly, but gradually building up the speed. He kept feeling his dick rub against the diaper, which was rubbing against daddy, his daddy's pee-pee was pressing against the back of his diaper. The stimulation was surreal. But since it was his first time, it was taking him a while to get to that point where his dick would only need a little more coxing for it to explode. Or so Joshy, though, until the baby talk started.

Matt was hard, more than he'd ever been before. He'd moved his baby before he'd even realized it, replaced the pacifier on his beautiful lips, and was currently holding his baby boy very closely. At first, he thought Joshy might be repulsed by feeling his daddy's hard-on, and if that had been the case, he'd have stopped immediately, but he could tell Joshy did not mind at all, the baby was vigorously humping against him. He looked so cute, he could not resist and started talking to him, gently cooing at him. He knew that would send his baby over the edge, "you have been a good boy today, so good and cute for your daddy." He gently nudged his baby's ear with his mouth, moving down to his neck, exhaling warm breath along its length "make cummies for daddy so we can change this silly little boy," Daddy kept whispering. His hands were now holding his baby's hips.

Joshy honestly thought he was going to go insane. He could feel his pee-pee pressed against his warm and still moist diaper. He was a big baby, a baby who had just wet himself and who needed a daddy. He kept on sucking on to his pacy, while daddy tickled his neck, his warm breath sending shivers down his spine. He could feel his daddy's hard-on, and even though he had never been interested in guys that way, the thrill of it, of him being the cause of it, was driving him insane. Daddy kept telling him how cute he looked on his diaper and how beautiful that onesie was on him. How this was far better suited for him that his usual pretend grown-up clothes. Joshy was on the verge of cumming, he could feel a warm sensation start to surge from his groin. His body was reaching orgasm.

Matt was panting. He was used to sexual activities; he had sex regularly, and this was not even sex, he was just allowing his baby, who was straight, by the way, to hump himself to orgasm. Yet somehow, he felt more turned on than he'd ever felt before. Oh, how he longed to rip a hole on that diaper. But even if he was lost in his lust, he would never cross a line he knew his baby was not comfortable with. He'd cum later, that was for sure when his baby was tucked on his crib. His baby came first; The sight and smell of him. Those little moans he was letting out. The sound of his baby's pacifier on his mouth, while he sucked it frantically, and diaper crinkling with every thrust. He could tell his baby boy was wet and really really wet. "Daddy has such plans for you, sweetie. Do you wanna know what your outfit for tomorrow is, sweety?"

Joshy heard daddy's voice take a huskier tone, he was aroused beyond belief. It was so easy to imagine all those things daddy was saying he was going to do to him. Because he was a baby, and he needed his daddy, and if Jessica or any of the other girls he had pounded so hard could see him like this. "Daddy has a very cute football uniform for his baby boy, and a ball too, so you can show daddy how good you are on the field. Wouldn't you like that, your diaper will peek out from your pants, and of course the pacifier would stay on your mouth, but other than that, you can show daddy how good you are. Isn't that fun, sweetie?" That did it, Joshy felt himself explode on his diaper. His whole body was shaking from the sheer pleasure of it. He started panting through the pacifier, his head slumped against his daddy's neck. His eyelids, drooping from all the exhaustion.

Pure undiluted and infinite bliss, that was what Joshy was feeling, this was by far the most amazing orgasm he had ever had in his life. He was still shaking a little from it when he noticed that his daddy was looking at him closely. He felt as if he could actually see through him. Joshy closed his eyes, a little embarrassed now, and tried to hide on daddy's shoulder, he wanted his teddy, but it had been discarded to the side in their haste for pleasure. He reached for it with his hand, and daddy helped him reach it, when he alone couldn't reach it. He tucked it under his arm, and broth it close again to daddy so the bear could share the fantastic warmth only his daddy could provide. He was not selfish, after all. Daddy chuckled and started to tickle him softly. Josh could not contain himself and giggled. Which, in turn, made daddy smile, which was weird because it made Joshy feel even warmer on the inside. He closed his eyes again. He felt like he could fall asleep like that. Now that he'd cum, he felt a little uncomfortable on the wet and sticky diaper, but feeling such bliss, he could not care less. He knew he ought to feel more ashamed than he was feeling, he probably would once the hype of the orgasm had passed entirely, but for now, he just wanted to relax and let go.

Matt loved the sight of his baby boy, all pliant and tired. He needed to get him changed and then get him to his crib. He also needed to care for his downstairs situation. He looked again at his baby boy. How precious he looked so cute. He was going to cum later, remembering him just like that. He wanted to have a better look at him, he just could not hold himself. The boy was just too much for his heart. Could one die of cuteness overload? If one could, he was sure his baby boy would be the end of him.

Daddy gently separated him from his shoulder, which made him open his eyes again and looked him in the eye. Daddy had strikingly blue eyes, the light from the ceiling was hitting them, making them sparkle, and they were full of love. Joshy's heart melted a little, he was not gay, but looking into this man's face, he could not avoid thinking how handsome he was. With his clean shaved jaw and a tanned complexion, a funny thought entered his mind, daddy could totally be a mature Abercrombie and fitch model. He imagined instead of a towel for the picture, he could carry him in a summertime diaper. He giggled at the thought.

When he heard his baby giggle, his daddy smiled. He did not know what he was thinking, but he was relishing how much deeper into little space he was getting. He better get him to his crib now. Otherwise, he'd stay there all day, content with just breathing in the scent of him, with his comforting weight on his lap. But he wanted his baby boy to be comfy, and he could not imagine that wet and sticky diaper was very comfortable right now.

"Okey, little guy, let's get you upstairs and changed before nap time." Joshy nodded, nap time sounded just right now, he was feeling rather tired, and he was so relaxed after his cummies. He had not felt so at peace for a long time. He clung closer to his Daddy's neck while his daddy stood up, lifting him with ease. Mmmmm, this was pure bliss.


	6. CHAPTER 6: CHANGES AND NAPTIME

CHAPTER 6: CHANGES AND NAPTIME

Matt stood up, carefully placing his baby boy on his hip. The already familiar weight on his arms made him feel at peace. Joshy had his eyes half-closed, the little boy was already exhausted from today's adventures. "Okay sweetie, let's get you upstairs", he felt Joshy mumble some gibberish, it was muffled by both the pacifier and the fact that he had his mouth pressed against his daddy's neck. Matt chuckled and started for the stairs, for they were closer. As he was walking, he felt his baby's hold on his neck go weaker and weaker. He looked at him and saw that he had fallen asleep, his eyes were closed, and he had the sweetest expression on his face, though he somehow had managed to still hold on to his teddy bear. It hung from his hands in a way that looked as if it would fall. Matt smiled at that and took it on his free hand, just in case, it wouldn't do to have it fall, especially when it seemed his baby boy had taken so strongly to it.

He wished he could capture this moment, freeze time and remain just like this forever, with his baby boy on his arms. It was such a perfect moment, he felt as if nothing could go wrong just as long as he held onto his boy. He inhaled in the sweet scent of him, baby powder, and vanilla lotion, now mixed with the bitter tang of urine. He was so proud that Joshy had taken such a huge step, he'd actually peed while on his arms, and he'd look so peaceful doing it. But now, he wanted to get him out of that diaper and into a new one as soon as possible, his skin was so delicate looking that he was sure that he'd get a rash if he wasn't careful. Matt reached his office and opened the door with his free hand. Once inside, he crouched in front of the library, reaching with his free arm towards the back of the shelf while trying not to disturb his baby. He pressed the button, and the library slid open, revealing the touch screen for him to enter the code. The first time he'd attempted to do this with a baby on his arms, he'd almost fallen, baby and all, but now he had it under control.

He went through the familiar corridor, Joshy carefully held in his arms, still peacefully sleeping. He held his bum with one hand, relishing in the sweet sounds that the diaper made as he walked. He heard him let out a soft whimper, trying to push away something invisible with his hands. Matt chuckled, he didn't know what he was dreaming about, but it sure seemed wild. He patted his head affectionately and planted a sweet kiss on his cheek, slowly bouncing him for comfort. He'd noticed how that had calmed him before, and he planned on incorporating it as much as possible. Matt reached the nursery's door and opened it, its familiar sight greeting him again.

Once inside, he gently placed Joshy on the changing table, making sure his head rested on the pillow. He left the teddy bear nearby and went about gathering the supplies for the diaper change. He got a new diaper, this one a little thicker than the previous one, it had a cute layer of blocks printed on the front, he knew his baby would love these ones, a pack of baby wipes, powder, and some vanilla-scented lotion, and left it all beside the changing table.

He looked down at his boy, Joshy had his head leaning to the side, the big pacifier was half out of his mouth. The onesie truly looked amazing on him, it hugged him in a way that showed his well-defined body, but still made him look childish. And the diaper, now wet from all the liquid it had absorbed, looked puffier than before, making his legs impossible to close, which is why they now rested completely open. The whole picture was completed by those cute socks that reached to his knees, which added that extra touch that made it all come together. He looked so cute, so babyish, he still did not know how an adult could look so sweet and sexy at the same time, there was something about combining a strong man and the infantile garments, that always got to him. He could feel his groin strain again, his dick fighting for release, but he'd have to wait, his baby came first.

Looking down at Joshy, Matt could not believe how lucky he was. Yesterday he'd been all nerves and insecurities, a lot of thoughts had been racing through his mind: will Joshy like it here? Would he agree to stay? Would he be just as he'd hoped? Would he be alright? But above all, after having talked to him for a year, and knowing how innocent and damaged the boy was, he did not want to do anything that would scare him away. Would he be able to be the daddy that Johsy needed? He'd known that with Joshy, he had to go slow and make sure he always felt safe and protected, with him, trust would be a huge deal. He had a lot of repressed emotions he still knew nothing about, even Joshy did not know everything he was feeling yet, but he hoped that in time, he'd come to trust and confide in him. It had been such a relief when he'd seen him smile after he'd gotten his teddy bear. He'd looked so dejected and sad when he had scolded him, it had almost been enough for Matt to relent. This boy truly got his protective side kicking, and with a passion. He longed to see that sweet smile again. Joshy had such a beautiful smile, his mouth would curl upwards on both sides, taking a peek from underneath the pacifier, and those adorable dimples would take a peek at the world. His eyes, the most mesmerizing blue he'd ever seen, would get moist. The whole picture was so endearing. He'd wanted to immortalize the moment; to capture it to come back to it whenever he felt down. But he did not want to make Joshy uncomfortable, so he'd just committed it to memory. And such a sweet memory it was, it'd make his top 10 favorite memories for sure.

He was looking at him now, completely relaxed, with his eyes closed and his pacy on his mouth, and he couldn't help but melt at the sight. He gently nudged the pacifier inside his boy's mouth, getting an adorable hum in response. Joshy immediately started sucking on it, at first a little slow but soon keeping a constant rhythm. It seemed that whatever he'd wanted away in his dreams had already stopped bothering him. Matt chuckled and caressed his boy's cheek, smiling softly. If only he could make sure his baby stayed safe and happy, he'd be the happiest most active baby ever. He knew that for sure. He'd already seen him get into a trance-like headspace a couple of times, he'd allowed Matt to see small glimpses of what he was. But there still were a lot of emotions buried inside him, locked away from the world, where he'd cast them in order to take the role society deemed appropriate for him. But Matt was patient, he'd wait as much as his boy needed, loving and caring for him, and he'd be there for as long as he needed him. After all, he owed that much to him.

It had been a very dark time in his life when Joshy had started talking to him. He'd been about to give up on everything. Every day had felt dark and cloudy, and getting out of bed had been the hardest thing to accomplish. He'd been known for his positivity and caring nature, but Robert had shattered it all. And after having given him so many years of his life, he'd just... but then Joshy had appeared, this broken-down little boy who had been so weary at first. Not answering him for days, not wanting to get too personal while chatting. But for some reason, Matt had insisted, sending him messages and being patient when he disappeared for weeks at a time. He'd felt it when he'd started to know him, they had a connection, they talked about sports and GPA's and video games, career paths, and even family drama. Never giving too much information as to the personal details, but just enough to form a clear picture. Both had had similar experiences, and perhaps that was what had driven him to Joshy so hard. He'd loved how slowly, the little boy had started opening up to him. First, it was his break up with Amanda, a girl he'd thought would stick around. He'd told him all about her, and how it had all collapsed, and Matt had listened. He'd given him as much advice as he could, after all, he himself had been dealing with a broken heart and did not feel really entitled to give relationship advice.

Slowly during the following months, Joshy had started telling him about what he liked regarding abdl. He'd told him how he had always been seen as the stronger, alpha guy, the one people went to when they needed protection or comfort. And he'd been glad to offer it, in that regard his little boy was much like him. He'd give anything to help others, but in the process, he'd started losing himself. He'd kept so much of himself hidden, repressed under layers upon layers of stereotypes, that he'd eventually lost himself. And as it always happens, those suppressed feelings came down crashing on him. Repressing oneself always leads to the same path, a very dark and lonely one, where the light is obscured, and only the faint shadows of regrets and broken dreams remain. It usually happened at night, when he was alone in bed. He'd told him how he'd cover himself with his blankets and cry. Matt had hated the idea of his baby boy alone at night, suffering from those dreams he had told him about so many times. He'd wanted to go straight to that dorm and envelop him in his arms, to hold him tight until none of those thoughts bothered him anymore. He wanted to fend them off and replace them with sweet happy memories, to return that light to his life. But he never wanted to hurt Joshy, and he'd known how much of a secret this whole thing was for him, how vital discretion was. After all, he understood all too well what it was like to have to hide parts of himself to fit into society. But he'd promised himself that at the very least, he'd be the ear to those problems, and the shoulders that supported him when he needed to cry. He wanted to give Joshy a safe space where he could let go and be free. Where all the little and big worries of the outside world faded to nothingness, and the only thing that remained was the happy little tickle he knew, deep inside him, his boy was.

It had been months of chatting and getting to know each other, a whole year of gathering the small pieces of the puzzle that Joshy was. And when he'd had enough pieces, he'd seen it, he'd seen the whole picture, not just some faint strokes, but a well-defined persona, the other side of his coin. The only problem? That side was straight. Matt was alright with that, he was okay with just having him closer, the only thing that mattered was that his boy smiled again. And through those smiles, Matt was also healing himself. It had been months since he'd last thought of Robert, and he certainly was better of like this. And now it had gotten to this, his beautiful boy laying down on his changing table, and in dire need of a change, so Matt got to work.

He slowly unstrapped the onesie, and very carefully slid the plastic pants off, discarding them on the humper that was placed just beside the changing table. He leaned forward a little and, as slowly as he could, started unstrapping his boy's diaper. He wanted to make as little noise as possible, trying not to wake him up. Josh had told him how light his sleep usually was. He'd looked so tired when he'd first seen him in the restaurant, the redness of his eyes a clear indication of how little sleep he usually got.

The diaper was absolutely soaked, it had a yellowish hue to it now that it had been used, and it had wrinkled in places. The interior told the same story, it was stained a light yellowish color that reached all the way to the back. The smell of urine wafted upward, mixing with the scent of baby powder, filling the room with the unmistakable tang of a baby's nursery. He knew that soon all the smell that would remain would be the powder, he was looking forward to that, somehow that scent gave him a sense of rootedness, that none other could. He loved going to his baby's nursery and inhaling in the smell, it made him feel like he had a purpose other than waking up in the morning and going to work. He had to protect someone, love someone, and feel loved.

Joshy's dick now laid to the side, already happy and rested after the much-needed attention it had recently received. Matt had not really paid much attention to it before, his boy had been a little ball of nerves, and he hadn't wanted to make him more anxious, but now, he could not help but notice that he was by no means small on the hinder regions. It was so at odds with the image he was currently portraying. He grabbed a baby wipe and gently started to clean him up. Moving from below his belly button, all the way back to his bum, making sure none of the urine remained. He went a little more carefully when it came to his pee-pee, making sure the whole length was clean. Once he was satisfied, he discarded it into the diaper and very carefully raised his baby's legs and butt. Joshy stirred, and Mat froze for a second, thinking he'd woken him up. But Joshy only turned his head to the other side and let out an incomprehensible gibberish that might have been understandable were it not for the adult-sized pacifier he had on his lips. Mat let out a deep sigh of relief and smiled. Joshy was still in dreamland. He pulled the diaper away from his baby and gently lowered his legs back down. He rolled the diaper and used its own straps to hold it together. Then, he pressed a small blue button on the changing table, and a tiny compartment opened, where he threw the diaper. He'd gotten the idea from the old compartments hotels used to have, to manage dirty laundry. The diapers fell through a pipe and into a huge trash bin that was hidden in the basement, making it cleaner and easier for him to smuggle them out of the house.

He grabbed the new diaper and carefully opened it, delighting on the faint crinkling sound it made. He heard his baby stir again. He looked down and saw that Joshy was rubbing his eyes with his hand. The manhandling and noise had woken him up, he looked a little disoriented.

Joshy had been fighting them, they had thought they'd be able to get to him, and like always they were overwhelming him, laughing at him for being a baby and saying mean things, trying to pinch him and touch him, but now the caregiver figure of his dreams had, for the first time, positioned himself in front of him, placing himself in the direction of the attack and thus absorbing it. He still couldn't distinguish it well. He did not know who it was, just that he'd keep him safe. Usually, it would play with him, but when it came to these monsters, he'd only stay there, always watchful. Those things would keep on laughing and pointing with their fingers at him, and Joshy would not know what to do, other than try to beat them. He usually had to fend for himself when it came to them, a part of him always knew that somewhere and at some other time he was a big and strong person, like the caregiver, but here, he was just little Joshy, and he did not know how to alert that bigger part of himself. But for some reason, today, his protector was actually protecting him. Those things went away, scuttering as fast as they could, as if afraid of this imposing figure. Joshy thanked him, but the figure did not answer, he only nodded and patted his head. Joshy looked up at him, he looked so tall and big, he wanted to know how it felt to be able to see things from that perspective, but he was still shy, surely asking for uppies would be too much? At least today, they'd made progress. He felt a light breeze on his legs, so he looked down and... He woke up.

At first, he did not know what had happened or where he was, but then everything came back to him in a flood of images. He was at daddy's house, and by the looks of it in the nursery. He saw Matt holding a diaper, looking down at him, concern written all over his face. He rubbed his eyes, he felt a little cold on his neither regions. He looked down, and he was.... naked, and he had peed before and.... he was mortified, he wanted to hide again, he'd had a teddy bear, he looked at both sides frantically....where was it?

Matt saw his baby boy look at both sides, and that beautiful flush spread through his cheeks and understood. Joshy was looking for his teddy bear. He immediately took it from beside the changing supplies, where he had put it upon entering the nursery, and placed it on his baby's arms. Joshy accepted it and immediately latched into it, hiding behind it. Matt ruffled his hair, chuckling, "ease up, sweetie, you are going to strangle him."

Joshy was extremely embarrassed again, he kept the same pressure on his teddy bear regardless of daddy's words, not relenting and not daring to look him in the eye. He was scrunching his eyes closed so hard. Why was it so hard for him to let go and just enjoy it? He'd done more embarrassing things already? He'd seen Matt's look, he was looking at him as if he was the most important thing in the world. And maybe that was the problem, he just wasn't used to it. The truth is that it strangely both reassured him and distressed him at the same time. His mind was in turmoil, he no longer knew what to think.

Matt saw the conflict battle on his baby's face and started tickling his boy's tummy, it was as good a diversion as any other, and it would make his boy smile for sure "oh my, what a cute little boy we have here". Josh giggled through the pacifier, peeking a little from behind his teddy. His daddy had a way of soothing him, but still keeping him all embarrassed. "Daddy was just changing you, sorry for waking you up, sweetie". Joshy didn't answer, but the sound of Matt's voice seemed to be calming him down, he visibly relaxed. He still looked tired, but nothing a good nap wouldn't fix. The baby laid his head back on the soft pillow, covering his face again with the teddy bear, and Matt took it as an indication to proceed.

He placed the now open diaper on the changing table "c'mon sweetie, lift your little tushy for daddy. Let's get your diaper on together". Josh flushed but still did as instructed. Matt placed the diaper under his bum and left it open between his legs. "Well done, sweetie," he cooed, while tickling his baby's belly once more. Joshy giggled, small happy tears pooling on his eyes. Matt gently cleared those tears away with his finger and kissed his baby's forehead. "You're alright, sweetie, daddy's got you, my precious baby boy."

Joshy was starting to get over the overwhelming embarrassment, perhaps he only needed to get used to the treatment. He could tell Matt knew what he was doing, he was diapering him expertly, moving from one step to the other with seeming ease. The fact that he'd removed the previous diaper without waking him up had been a feat on its own. Josh was a notoriously light sleeper. He had not slept a full night since he was in high school. Joshy had been having that recurring dream when he had woken up. Somehow though, the whole process was very embarrassing; he seemed to be having a hard time letting go. But that last sentence, Joshy knew Matt got him covered, and that made him really happy. If only he could fully relax, he wanted to, he really did. But for some reason, pictures of his friends kept on popping on his head. What would they think if they saw this? What would they say if they knew that he was so broken that needed someone to completely nurture him? For someone to make him his priority? He did not want to go down that road, not now, not ever, he could feel the beginning of that sadness take hold, and he sure did not want to fall prey to it. For now, his teddy would have to serve as his barrier for these embarrassing moments.

This whole change thing felt so nice. Matt was now strapping his onesie closed again, he had been cooing at him while he finished changing him, something Joshy was slowly getting used to, even if it still embarrassed him a little, it also helped him feel little. Daddy kept on making him blush and giggle throughout the whole experience, distracting him as much as possible. The new diaper felt thicker than the previous one, it made his onesie strain to remain closed. It felt so nice and crinkly, how could such a garment bring so much joy and contentment, Josh did not know. He could not get enough of how big and strong Matt looked in comparison to him right now. He was a mush of feelings, and he still felt incredibly tired. Matt was now leaning in front of him. Looking down with such love in his eyes. This man was doing so much for him, nobody had ever done so much for him before. Instinctively, he raised his arms, teddy bear still clutched on his right hand, towards his daddy.

Matt knew his baby was mulling over something, he loved that innocent expression he had on his face, though he did not like seeing it being eclipsed by darker thoughts. So he'd taken to distracting him as much as possible, tickling him and cooing at him, making sure he felt cared for. Joshy had been a mush of giggles and laughter, and those were now some of Matt's favorite sounds. He had not been expecting, though, for Joshy to get so clingy so fast, though. And by the flush that was now spreading again through his baby's cheeks, he guessed not even Joshy had. He looked for a second like a deer trapped in front of red lights. So cute. Matt leaned down all the way and hugged his baby. Pressing him softly against his body. "I'm here, sweetie, daddy is here."

Joshy froze, for a second he'd thought how ridiculous it would look to Matt to have such a clingy baby. He had never been the clingy type, not in this way, but for some reason, he was allowing his walls to go down in front of him, he was starting to see him less as Matt and more as daddy. He felt almost as if he could be himself with him; the problem was that he had been repressing himself for so long that he no longer knew how to be himself. He didn't even know himself. He was usually the protector, the one everyone runs to when they have problems, never the other way around.

Now he was enveloped in his daddy's arms, inhaling in the sweet musky scent of him. His arms crossed around his neck almost of their own volition, and he allowed himself to be the small spoon. After all, this was what this whole thing was about, protection, love, and care. He smiled, he could get used to this. He leaned his head into his daddy's neck. This man, who had put up with him talking about his problems and insecurities for a year, he was now doing even more than he'd already done for him and asking so little in exchange. He could not help but feel like he was the best daddy in the world. Even if this were not to be permanent, even if for Matt this was just another abdl experience, to Josh, this was going to be an experience never to forget. He was glad that his first abdl experience came from someone like Matt, I mean daddy. Josh looked up towards his daddy, detaching himself a little from his shoulder. From this close he could see the stubble that was beginning to grow on his cheek; he had felt it before, rough but comforting at the same time. He wanted to feel it again, so he rubbed his cheek against his daddy's, relishing on the feeling. And before the shame could catch up with him, he placed his pacified mouth against his cheek, he figured it was as close to a cheek kiss as he could get with it on his mouth. He rapidly hid again against his daddy's shoulder, squealing.

Matt embraced his baby boy, he was beyond the point of arousal, he wanted to jerk off, but at the same time, he wanted to be with his baby. His baby came first, and now he was performing such cute shows of affection. Once he finally warmed up to abdl, he was sure going to be a handful, it had been a couple of hours and he already had him wrapped around his little finger. But how not to be enthralled by such a cutie? He had already decided; If Joshy did not want to continue being his baby, he'd just stop abdl altogether. This was it for him, Joshy or nobody else. If he hadn't been sure of it before, he was now that his baby boy was placing a small pacy kiss on his cheek. That was it, the last drop of water that flooded the whole of him, he could not resist anymore. Matt tightened his hold on his baby and, in one sweep motion, lifted him up, placing him back on his hips. "Who's daddy's cute baby?" and he repeatedly kissed his baby's cheek, making his boy squirm, covering his cheeks with the teddy bear as if to make him stop. He was giggling and smiling so hard, small tears were pooling on his eyes again. "you are..., yes you are". Joshy kept on giggling, the tickles were too much. He made such cute sounds. He yawned in between his laughter, and daddy knew it was time for his nap. "C'mon sweetie, let's get you down for nap time."

Josh was both mortified and happy. He guessed he'd had it coming, pressing that kiss on his daddy's cheek. Now he was being attacked by an incessant stream of kisses, and the only thing Joshy had to defend himself was his teddy bear. The small and infantile act was causing him so much happiness, he could not believe it. He kept on giggling, unable to stop, though to be fair, it was daddy's fault. He yawned, the exhaustion from the day already catching up to him. He heard naptime, which meant crib. He had been looking forward to trying it. Now he was going to. Joshy smiled behind his pacifier.

Matt knew that his baby was happy, he had not missed that look of anticipation when he'd said nap time. He knew that he wanted to try his new crib. He slowly lowered the railing and carefully placed his baby boy on the crib. The mattress squeaked when Joshys's weight hit it. He turned on the mobile, a faint relaxing melody started to play, filling the room with a very gentle melody that somehow reminded Joshy of something, but he couldn't quite place it. The sweet, high notes were floating through the whole space, bringing a sense of peace and tranquility, he had not felt in a long time. Matt tucked Joshy under the blankets, making sure he was nice and snug. All the while, his baby was looking at him as if taking note of every step of the process. He looked so focused on the task, such a cutie pie. When he reached for the teddy bear, Joshy grabbed it harder and clutched it against his chest. Matt chuckled "Daddy was only going to tuck it at your side, sweetie," at that Joshy blushed, but still did not release the teddy. "okay sweetie, cover him up, so he doesn't get cold".

Joshy nodded unconsciously, then thought about what his daddy had just said and flushed even more. He tried to focus on other things to distract himself. He loved the crib, it was big enough for him to lay on it, and there was still a lot of extra space. It was even bigger than his bed at the dorms, making him feel tiny in comparison. Which he supposed was the intention. The mattress crinkled under his weight every time he moved, and the sheets were so soft. They smelled of vanilla and somehow felt as if they were made of the softest material on earth, they sent such a nice and comforting feeling though Joshy. The big plushies that rested behind the pillow made him feel protected, he thought of them as his own personal guardians, and immediately blushed at such an infantile thought. Joshy kept on following everything his daddy did, he was so enthralled by the whole thing. He'd been dreaming of this moment for so long, and the reality did not disappoint; it felt as if he could let go and just enjoy the sensations: The strong, hard hands of his daddy as he made sure the blanket was properly covering him; the soft sheets caressing his naked legs; the impossibly bulky diaper, bulging even from underneath the blankets; the soft mattress and the beautiful sounds it made as he moved slightly on the crib, and the feeling of his teddy bear on his arms, cuddling. He came to when he felt his daddy place a soft kiss on his forehead. The delicate lulling music from the mobile, combined with the smell of baby powder and lotion, made the room feel much more like a nursery. The combination of everything that had transpired was making him feel so little. Everything, working to softly lull him to sleep. He yawned and tucked his teddy closer to his chest, his eyelids started to feel heavy again. This was pure bliss. If this was what being a baby meant, he wanted it. He'd never felt so happy in his life.

Joshy looked so adorable inside his crib. Matt pressed a soft kiss on his forehead "rest well, sweetie. When you wake up, I'll show you your playpen with your new toys so you can play". Joshy smiled at that, already half asleep. Matt pulled the railing upwards, it made a soft click when it latched to its full height, and blew a kiss to his boy.

Matt went to the door of the nursery, and turned off the lights, leaving as the only illumination, the faint light that filtered from behind the closed curtains, and the small bluish night lamp plugged to the side of the crib, casting soft shadows throughout the room. The place looked so peaceful. He hoped his baby slept well.

He left the room still smiling, he had successfully tucked his baby for a nap, and the last thing he'd seen was that beautiful smile. And now he could not walk fast enough to his room. His dick was battling for release inside his underwear, already he could feel drops of precum leaking out. It felt as if he'd never been that hard before. He exited the corridor and closed the secret door. The office's computer came to life, which reminded him of the load of work he had scheduled for the week. It was going to be a hard week, he better enjoy the weekend. He should use it to recharge as much as possible to be able to pull through.

He left the office and walked towards his room. It was the room right in front. It was the biggest in the house, and one of the reasons he'd bought it. The walls were painted a soft beige, making the room appear even bigger than it already was. A queen-size bed crowned over the space, there was a small white couch in front of it, completed by a soft white rug that framed a coffee table. A small marble fireplace was directly in front of it, and on top was a huge smart Tv, though he barely gave it much use. To the right, two glass doors stood ajar, leading to the biggest balcony in the house, which overlooked the backyard. They were enclosed by a pair of white curtains that now stood open, allowing the soft afternoon light to penetrate. In the center of the room, hanging from the ceiling, was a small crystal chandelier, its individual crystals reflecting the light from the outside, bathing the room in small droplets of color that made it appear as if it had just come out of a fairy tale. The sweet summer breeze filtered through the slightly opened windows, making the room fill with the fresh scent of flowers, no doubt planting them last year had been a good idea. And to the left of the bed, stood a set of glass doors that led to the bathroom, through the walk-in closet.

He lost no time and got undressed, almost tripping with his pants in his haste to get to the shower. He discarded his clothes on the floor, something that under normal circumstances he'd never do. And threw open the bathroom doors. He turned the shower on full blast. The water started flowing from the various heads that lined the ceiling. The interior was intricately made by different shades of gray tiles, intercrossed in a way that created a beautiful mosaic, a mermaid pouring a bouquet of water on top of her head. There was a marble slab that was directly attached to the wall, which use, he'd been told upon buying the house, was to sit down. He still found it the most ridiculous invention ever. The steam was starting to cloud the glass that entirely surrounded the shower.

He was rock hard, currently staring at himself in the full-body mirror covering the wall. His body was incredibly well defined, he'd spent hours perfecting his body. He was mostly shaved, save for a small hairy line that led from below his belly button to his sweet member. A faint trace of silver lines crisscrossed on his chest, he'd gotten those a long time ago, when he'd been a different type of person, with a very different life, long before he'd known himself. For a second, he admired his full boy; he'd put so much work into it, from the powerful muscles of his arms to his painfully erect dick. It now stood completely erect, a couple of drops of precum clinging to its head. Small veins sinuously wove around its length, making it look like a rabid and menacing animal awaiting its prey. He gave it a few experimental strokes, grabbing his member in a tight hold. It pulsated inside his fist. It felt so warm and hot against his hand.

Once he could no longer see his reflection on the mirror, he jumped into the shower. He placed his head against the tiled wall and started stroking his member more vigorously. The warm water was gently caressing his skin, running down his body in small streams that ended up dripping on the floor tiles and through the drain, forming small rivers that traveled through the hard planes of his body. It had been a while since he'd had sex. He'd been in a rut lately, with so much work handed to him on the firm, he hadn't even had time to take a break, let alone have sex. And with how tired he'd been every day, it had been almost impossible to find the right time to jerk off. He felt like he could explode at any moment, his hand was still grabbing his dick on a tight hold. He started thinking of his baby boy, how hot he'd looked laying on the changing table, his cheeks slightly flushed from the embarrassment, and that marvelous pacifier. He had to write a heck of a good review for it. It made Johsy's cheeks puff up in such a cute way. He kept on stroking his aching member, feeling waves of pleasure crashing over him. The water kept on streaming down his head and back, plastering his hair down and making him look younger. The warm water felt so relaxing. The steam was now covering the whole bathroom, and if someone had been nearby, they would have heard his grunts and moans of pleasure. He loved his baby boy, he was so cute, but he couldn't avoid thinking about how hot he also was, he could totally...

He kept on remembering his baby's dick, and that beautiful little rosebud, he felt a bit bad for it, Josh was straight and his baby, more or less at least, but he could not help but let his imagination run stray. He pictured it all too well, himself in bed, Joshy splayed under him, his legs propped on top of Matts's shoulders, and his head tilted to the side. A light flush covering his face. Matt could imagine his beautiful body splayed down in front of him, with his hair all disheveled. He'd lean down towards Josh's neck and start licking. Slowly drawing sweet circles with his tongue. Exhaling out slowly, his warm breath would make Josh shiver. He would be bitting his finger, trying to rile in his moans. That is when he'd start kissing down his chest, paying so much needed attention to those beautiful perky nipples. He'd bite them slowly, teasing him with his teeth. His tong trailing a path of sweet kisses downward, until he'd reach his beautiful hole. Josh would let out sweet muffled moans. And he'd probably try to bite his fingers to conceal them. Matt would slowly nudge his hand out of his mouth, and he'd lick those fingers. His sight always posed straight on Josh, looking him in the eye while he sucked his finger. He could practically see Josh getting completely immersed in the pleasure. His baby boy at times, his boyfriend at others. Matt kept on imagining this, stroking his dick even faster now. He felt wave after wave of pleasure envelop him, all desire preparing his body for that beautiful moment of absolute bliss. He'd start teasing that beautiful rosebud, slowly pressing his tongue against the entrance, and gently nudging it open, readying him for his aching member. Josh would start eliciting sweet sounds, not being able to contain himself anymore, his dick would be fully erect and... Matt kept on stroking himself, he could feel his body starting to spasm, wave after wave of pleasure, sending him into that sweet spot where only pleasure rested. His body started trembling, and he finally released a full load of cum in front of him. It landed on the tiles and slowly cascaded down towards the drain, where it disappeared, taking with it the shame of the thoughts Matt had had a second ago.  
————  
 _Joshy was back in that dreamland he knew too well. He was back home, still in high school. Andrew had just fought with Kevin, and he had stopped them both, trying to separate them before things got out of control again. He was taller and stronger, but trying to keep both of his friends from fighting, without harming them, when they were so intent on beating the other up, was not easy. Now, they were currently sitting in front of the principal's office. "I told you to stay the fuck away, man". Kevin was furious, Josh knew precisely why. "I will once she stops pestering me. She's the whore, I haven't been paying attention to her, asshole, she's not my style". Kevin tried to punch Andrew on the shoulder, but Josh, who was in the middle, stopped him. "STOP YOU TWO!! Andrew shut the fuck up, and Kevin, how long have you know him for? he'd never stab you on the back like that! Don't you remember who was the one who pulled you through your parent's divorce?"_  
 _Kevin was shocked for a second, but then looked down. He seemed taken aback. "Now guys pull your shit together because the team cannot put up with this shit anymore. I seriously have not seen Andrew look at your girl before, what's gotten you so bothered, man'". "Must be her sluttiness," said Andrew. Kevin tried to punch him again, this time, Josh ducked and allowed it, he kinda had it coming. "Don't talk about her like that, or I'll punch you all the way to mars, asshole. "He looked down again as if dejected. "She's been weird, man. I don't know. I feel like she's gonna dump me". He'd looked so dejected saying that. Josh had only wanted to comfort him, but he did not know-how. The principal had them expelled for three days, but thankfully it had not affected the football practices. He'd been terrified the coach would pull them off, they were the stars of the team after all. He could recount many experiences like that, always the protector, always in the middle._

_Then the dream shifted, he was now in Matt's house, still wearing his crinkly diaper. His pacifier felt so so good. He looked around, there were blocks and toy cars in front of him. He got on his hands and knees and started crawling towards them. He could feel the extra weight of the diaper on him, it pulled him down. He could not fully close his legs; for good measure, he tried. The fabric of the diaper squished him so tight when he did. The movement sent a jolt of pleasure through his pee-pee. The diapee also crinkled every time he so much as shifted, it was such a marvelous feeling. He was hard as a rock, but daddy wouldn't want him to play with it alone. After all, he was just too little. He approached the blocks instead and sat on his bum. It felt so good every time he sat like this, the feel of the diaper being squished against his bum made him feel so babyish. He started sucking on hid pacy, it always completed the feeling, and started stacking the blocks one on top of the other, assembling a tower. It wasn't super tall, for he did not reach higher, and daddy was not there to help. Or was he? He turned around and recognized the space, it was the living room, and daddy was there, sitting on the couch, watching him playing, somehow he'd known daddy would be close, he always was. He blushed and turned around. There was still a question on his head. If daddy was here, why was he on the floor? When he should be on daddies arms. He wanted uppies. He always felt so warm and content enveloped in daddy's arms. He turned around and made grabby hands towards daddy, reaching his arms as far as he could. He knew daddy would understand, he always did. Daddy chuckled and came to him, crouching at eye level. Even like this, he was still towering over him, he looked so impossibly big and strong. "C'mon up little tiger." He lifted him up. Mmm, this felt so nice. He tapped his nose, "who's my beautiful little boy?" Joshy smiled, he knew this one, he was. He pointed at himself and quickly hid his face on daddy's shoulder. "That's right," daddy beamed. He was bouncing him slowly on his hip. The lulling rhythm was so relaxing. "That's my sweet, sweet boy. Daddy is here sweetie, daddy will always be here". Joshy knew it. This was such a perfect feeling._

Joshy slowly opened his eyes, he was back in the nursery. He did not know why he'd had that dream, but it somehow made him feel sad. He'd felt so content there, being in daddy's arms. Also, he couldn't help but notice that he hadn't been as embarrassed there. He rubbed the exhaustion out of his eyes with his hands and looked around. He must have slept for a couple of hours at least. The nursery, which had been bathed in a soft hue before, was now more obscured. There was a small blue light that came from beside crib, casting soft shadows that made everything in the room seem elongated and lone. The mobile on top of the crib had long stopped moving, and now that it stood in place, seemed a little more foreign. Joshy sat up, his teddy still clutched in his arms. He felt strange, he'd had something before that... he looked back and saw that his pacifier was gently resting beside the pillow. It must have slipt while he was off in dreamland. He replaced it on his mouth and started sucking on it immediately, relishing in the comforting feeling. He felt so well-rested, it had been a while since he'd felt so at ease. He moved a little and felt his diaper again. He looked down, his onesie was still in place, covering a very bulky diaper that peeked from both sides. He somehow felt a little disappointed for a second, of course, he was dry, there's no way he'd be wet, after all, he'd never had any accidents before. For some reason, he'd thought that maybe since he'd been so relaxed...

The shame seemed to have subsided, though perhaps it was due to his daddy's absence. It felt strange to be alone in his crib. Somehow the intimacy of it felt thrilling. He placed a hand on his diaper, yep, he was hard alright. There was no way he'd wake up without a hard-on, that was a very normal occurrence, especially under the current circumstances. He started to rub his front, it felt so good to be wearing a diaper. The smell of baby powder was just as strong as before, making him feel more infantile. He knew he shouldn't rub himself, daddy, I mean Matt, had told him not to, and he did want to listen, but it felt so good. And he was not around to see it. He also felt a little sad and empty after having that beautiful dream, so he figured a little self-rewarding moment wouldn't hurt. His throbbing member was pulsating against the soft fabric of the diaper, and he remembered how he'd humped his daddy's lap. A slight flush appeared on his cheeks. It had felt so good; he'd been encircled by Matt's arms and those things he'd done to his neck. If he focused, he could still feel the faint traces of Matt's tongue, drawing slow patterns on his neck, sparking shivers throughout his body. He'd been so immersed into it that he'd placed his arms around his daddy's neck and it felt so good. Never in a million years, he'd thought something like that could feel that good. He'd whimpered and shivered, allowing his walls to completely dissolve in front of his daddy, and that sense of completion he'd felt, he'd never felt something so strong before. He kept on vigorously rubbing his diapee, relishing in the soft sounds it made as the fabric was being pressed by his hand. He kept on sucking on his pacy, the rubbery feeling inside his mouth felt somehow perverse, as if he'd been doing something naughty. But that was what he was right now, right? a naughty baby that was touching his diapee, even though his daddy had expressly told him not to. A warm feeling started on the pit of his stomach, a warmth that kept on spreading, his muscles were tensing, and he readied for that sweet relief he knew was coming when he felt a loud rumble on his tummy. Josy stopped short and paid attention, listening in. Nothing, perhaps it had been just an after effect of so much food. He looked back and saw the big teddy bear that he'd previously deemed as his protector. The slight spark of an idea already forming on his mind. He reached towards it and placed it in the center of the crib. He'd had to let go of his teddy to do so, and for some reason that had been really hard. He picked it up immediately, kissed him, and hugged him with his other arm, he did not want to release it, not that he was attached to it or anything. He placed the big teddy bear in position and slowly leaned towards it, allowing his body to fully rest against it, so that he was on top. He'd wanted to try that for the longest time. The big plushy felt incredibly soft and warm, and at the same time it pressed his diaper even harder against his dick. He paused for a second, relishing in the sensation. It felt so intimate, somehow even more embarrassing than what he'd done with daddy before.

He started humping, it felt exhilarating and childish. Here he was rubbing himself against a giant plushy because he was a horny little baby. The thought alone would be enough to send him over the edge. He kept on thinking about everything Matt had done to him today, his dick straining inside the diaper, fighting for relief. He started feeling wave after wave of pleasure hit him. He sensations of his dick rubbing against the fabric of the diaper were never going to get old, a warm ticklish feeling surged on the tip of his dick, he could already tell that he was leaking precum. Cumming on a diaper felt so good, he did not know how he'd done it before without it. He kept on thinking about how he'd peed on his daddy's arms while drinking a baba, reminiscing on the sweet taste of the warm milk as it flowed through his tongue. How warm and wet his diapee had felt while daddy had been stroking it, daddy's strong arms and how he'd been cooing at him all day, making him feel so little. Joshy's dick was close to orgasm, wave after wave of pleasure crashing over him, he was reaching his climax when he heard the door of the nursery open.

\---------  
Mat had finished showering and changed into a more comfortable attire. He was wearing a loose black shirt that clung like a second skin to his body and a pair of sweats. He'd always preferred to walk barefoot inside his house, he loved the feeling of polished wood on his feet. His hair, still a little damp, clung to his forehead; he hated it when it looked like that because it made him look younger, not professional enough, but drying it was a pain, so he always preferred to let it air dry.

Since his baby was probably still asleep, he went about sorting some documents for next week, he had way too many cases to handle and way too little time. He supposed he could get at least an hour of work before getting back to his baby boy. The little tickle had been so tired, he was surely still asleep. It felt reassuring working on his office whilst knowing that his baby boy was so close by. He could not resist himself and decided to, firstly, check on his baby boy. He opened his computer screen and accessed the baby monitor app, such a great invention, it allowed to observe your baby from your phone, computer or tablet, which made it easy to see if he was awake or needed his daddy. He entered his code on the keyboard, and the image of the nursery appeared on the screen. The camera had been placed in the right corner of the nursery, right beside the window, allowing full view of the crib and his beautiful boy. He still marveled at how defined the image was, it had been a costly device, but it made him feel at ease that he could see his baby boy and make sure he was alright at all times. He saw that Joshy was currently playing around on his crib, he'd taken one of the big teddy bears and seemed to be hugging him.  
Such an adorable little tickle, he'd looked so cute looking for his pacy, never letting go of his teddy bear. He was now laying on top of the bear and....oh.... he understood. The little tickle was humping his plushy. Matt turned on the volume of the monitor and zoomed in. Joshy seemed to be enjoying his alone time a lot. He'd typically not allow this kind of thing, he had to have some boundaries, especially since he'd already scolded him before. Still, seeing how Joshy was enjoying his little time and knowing how much he needed it, he could not bring himself to intervene.  
At least not yet. Matt kept on looking, his baby boy was frantically humping against his teddy. He was letting out such sweet moans, it felt as if each sound that escaped his baby's lips directly sent a jolt through Matt's dick, which now stood at attention again. He could not have enough of his beautiful baby. His bum looked so big in that puffy diaper, he wanted to reach and pat it. He kept on watching, resisting the temptation to touch himself, he knew if he started, he would not be able to stop until he was done. He needed to stop his baby, though; he knew he had, otherwise, those boundaries he desperately needed were going to disappear before they were settled into place. He kept on looking for a little while, and when he saw his baby hump faster, he decided that it was the moment to intervene. He stood up, crouched in front of the library, and reached for the familiar button.

Matt had walked the corridor as fast as he could, and now approached the crib and looked down, Joshy was still laying on top of the giant bear, pacifier in mouth, looking at him with a shocked expression. His diaper looked even puffier from this perspective, and the faint smell of baby powder clung to the room. Matt leaned on the railing of the crib. "What are you doing, sweetie?" Josh flushed even harder and tried to hide with the teddy bear. It somehow was very convenient that it was so huge. Matt lowered the railing and sat on the edge of the crib, gently resting his arm around his baby's back. "Where you hugging your new friend?"

Joshy had been caught. Or at least he thought he had, maybe he hadn't though, right?, I mean it did look as if he were hugging the teddy bear. Matt looked impossibly big from this perspective; the bars fo the crib only adding to that difference he felt was becoming abysmal. While Matt seemed so strong and big, he was feeling so small and weak. His dick was still hard, and again he'd been so close. Maybe if he played innocent, Matt would just let it slide.

Matt loved the comfort of touching his baby provided. He was still hiding his face on the teddy bear, surely he knew how cute he looked, but this time Matt could not relent. He needed to make sure Joshy understood that the rules need to be followed. Matt tickled his baby on both sides, making him giggle. "where's my baby boy, I cannot see him". He kept on tickling Joshy, making him squirm and giggle. "Have you seen him, Mr. teddy bear? he's cute, blond, with a big diaper". He kept on tickling him, enjoying the cute giggles.

Joshy was mortified, Matt knew, he thought he knew at least, and he was talking to him in such a babyish tone. He couldn't stop giggling, daddy was not relenting, and since he had his arms around the teddy bear, he was so exposed to his attack. The whole situation was so humiliating and demeaning, yet somehow his dick remained as hard as before. He kept on squirming, trying to get Matt to stop; he squirmed so hard that the front of his diaper kept on rubbing against the plushy. He'd been so close that such small stimulation was enough. Joshy let out a small whimper and felt his orgasm crash over him in waves, his whole body trembling with the effort.

Matt smiled, Joshy looked so cute trying to squirm away, he was trying so hard to keep covering his face. He felt it more than saw it, his baby boy starting to tremble, it seemed as if the small stimulation of his diaper being rubbed against the plushy had been enough to send him over the edge. Now he was trying even harder to borrow into the plushy. Matt knew his boy had done wrong, and he planned on teaching him, but right now, first things first. He grabbed his baby boy, and sitting properly on the crib, placed him on his lap. Joshy immediately covered his face on his daddy's shoulder. "Shhh, it's okay sweetie, daddy knows everything is new and, this little tickle is very excited," he rubbed his tummy for good measure. "look at me, sweetie." Joshy kept on pressing his head against his shoulder, trying with all his might not to look at Matt. "Sweetie, c'mon, daddy is not that mad, but he needs to look his baby boy in the eye to talk to him." Joshy flushed even harder but made no effort to move. Daddy gently nudged his face with his hands, making Johsy look at him.

Joshy had been in absolute bliss for a second, just one second, and then it had all comedown, crashing over him. The shame of what he'd done, the fear of seeing matt's angry expression, the disappointment that he had not been able to comply with a rule. He wanted to dig a hole and be buried. Since that was not possible, he tried very hard to substitute it with being buried by his teddy bear. More like on his teddy bear. And so he kept on hiding his face on its soft fabric when he felt daddy grab him and place him over his lap. NOOOO, he did not want to see his daddy's face, it was too embarrassing. He kept on talking to him in such a sweet tone, cooing and nudging him. He kept on hiding his face on his favorite spot. His teddy bear had been lost in the moment, and now he only had daddy's shoulder to hide. He inhaled in daddy's scent; he smelled of fresh shampoo and vanilla soap. Joshy loved that smell, vanilla was his favorite, of course, he never used perfume or anything like that, he had an image to maintain, but if he had to choose a scent, that was it. He felt his daddy nudge his face.

Joshy was now facing Matt, but he kept his eyes trained on his daddy's shirt, not daring to look him in the eye. "Sweetie, look at daddy." Joshy did not want to, in fact, he wanted to run away and hide in Mexico, he'd heard that the weather is beautiful there. Matt nudged his face again, this time a little stronger. "Look at daddy, sweetie."

Matt felt a little bad for Joshy, but he could not relent now; he had to make sure he knew that daddy had to be obeyed. Otherwise, he could court himself. "Tell daddy why you didn't call him when you woke up and instead played with your pee-pee." Joshy blushed; he kept on sucking on his pacy. Daddy removed it, and Joshy immediately whined.

Joshy whined, Matt, I mean daddy, was trying to remove his pacy, and he needed it now more than ever. He paused for a second, shocked. He could not believe how fast he was actually falling into headspace. He blushed, this whole situation all over again. It felt so degrading, being scolded for humping his diapee, and he now felt a little raw and vulnerable without the pacy, he wanted it back. He made grabby hands towards daddy's hand, where it currently was.

Matt chuckled, Joshy wanted the pacifier back, and he would get it, but not before he'd admitted what he'd done wrong. "Ohh, sweetie, daddy will give it back, but first tell me what you did wrong". Joshy tried to avert his gaze again. Matt was starting to get a little frustrated. This was his baby's first time, but he had to get over that much shame, or he'd never get where he had to. He stood up abruptly, lifting his baby boy and placing him on his hip. Joshy squicked, not having expected that, and unconsciously placed his arms around his daddy's neck. Matt gently laid him back on the changing table. Joshy looked around, undoubtedly looking for his teddy bear again, but Matt was not giving in. "No, sweetie, daddy is gonna hold on to the pacy and the teddy till you tell daddy what you've done. C'mon sweetie". Josh huffed and hid his face with his arm. Matt could tell his baby was grumpy "sweetie, if you don't tell daddy, I will have to punish you."

Joshy felt really exposed without his teddy, and the lack of pacifier was affecting him more than he wanted to admit. Daddy was towering over him, looking at him with such a scary expression. Fine, if he didn't have his teddy, he'd hide with his own arm. He closed his eyes and kept on pouting unconsciously. When he heard punish, he opened his eyes, a little fear seeping into him. Surely Matt would not go overboard right. He'd done wrong, but his feelings were in turmoil, and everything that had happened made him feel so little that he started to panic. What if Matt got really mad and didn't want to be his daddy anymore? Or if the punishment hurt? Why was daddy looking so mad? Would that punishment require for him to be without his pacy? And what about teddy, he could get scared and.. and... Tears started trickling down his face; it had been so long since he'd cried in front of someone. And yet, today, in a single day, he'd already cried a couple of times in front of Matt. But he didn't care anymore, he was sacred, and he felt terrible for disobeying daddy, and he wanted his teddy, and pacy and cuddles, and he wanted to be on his daddy's arms again.

Matt saw his baby's expression go from pouting to crying and panicked. He picked him up and started bouncing him slowly on his hip. "Shhh, shhh, it okay, sweetie, daddy is here". He kept slowly patting his back, trying to make his baby boy calm down. The poor thing was sobbing now. "Daddy is mad because you disobeyed him, but you are still my precious baby boy, you'll always be". He kept on bouncing him slowly. He took the pacifier from the crib, where he'd left it, and gently placed it on Joshy's lips. He took to it immediately, the gentle bouncing, and now his pacy was working. "Shh, sweetie, its okay, daddy is here".

Joshy had felt all his feelings flood out of him. One moment it had been his pacy and then the fear of his daddy not loving him; of not being able to repeat this amazing experience. And then it had been years and years of play pretend every day in front of everyone, and the voice of his father as he left the last time, saying that he didn't want to see them ever again. And the tears seemed to have no end. He'd been picked up by daddy again, and the gentle bouncing combined with his scent had helped. But he still needed his pacy. Then daddy had given it to him. He felt himself calm down, he did not care anymore about the embarrassment. It still was there, but now it had taken second place. He clutched his daddy's neck a little harder, allowing him to dry his tears.

Matt was drying his baby's tears with his free hand. He hated seeing those beautiful eyes so full of tears. "Shh, baby boy, it's okay, daddy is here." He kept on bouncing him, gently patting his back. He could tell his baby boy was relaxing on his arms. He kept on sucking on his pacy, but the cadence was slower now. "Daddy knows it's been a long day, sweetie. Daddy loves you so, so much". He tightened his grip at that. "Don't cry, show daddy that beautiful smile. Who's the most beautiful baby boy in the world?"

Joshy now kept his head slumped against his daddy's shoulder, enjoying the sound of his voice. He felt so much more at ease now that daddy had said he loved him. He heard daddy ask who was the most beautiful baby in the world, he'd heard that question before, though he couldn't quite recall when. He knew the answer. He pointed at himself and saw daddy smile.

Joshy was calmer, Matt could tell, he looked a little tired, and his eyes were still red from crying, but he was alright. He was acting more like a baby now. The pacifier had made the biggest difference. Now he was pointing at himself. Matt couldn't believe how cute he was. "Now, sweetie, daddy is not mad, but little tickles like you need to follow the rules, because daddy makes them to keep you comfy and happy." He tickled Joshy's tummy, and he giggled, albeit softly.

Joshy heard his stomach grumble again, this time a little louder. He had not gone number two in the morning due to his nerves, and he had eaten at the restaurant, and then at daddy's house, to top it all, last night going partying meant alcohol, which always did funny things to his stomach.

Matt heard his baby's stomach grumble, he could tell that all that food was already making him a little squirmy. He'd thought of punishing him with some corner time, but perhaps... The small spark of an idea already settling on his mind. "sweety, what's that?" he asked making a show of looking surprised. Josh looking a little shocked, burrowed into his daddy's shoulder. Matt slowly patted his baby's tummy. "Is my Joshy's tummy doing funny things?" Joshy flushed but nodded from the comfort of his daddy's shoulder.

Matt kept on slowly bouncing him. "I'll tell you what, sweetie. Since daddy loves you so much, I'm gonna give you a choice. Does my little baby wanna go poopies on daddy's arms or foes he wanna be a big boy and go potty in the bathroom and then have some corner time for playing with his pee-pee?" Joshy was clinging to him, fisting the front of his shirt with one hand now, and the other encircling his neck.

Joshy wanted to know what it felt like to go poopies on his diaper, but what if it was too much? Also, he did not know how boring corner-time could be, and he wanted to remain in daddy's arms. He did not want to be placed in a corner, walls were boring. But going poopies was embarrassing. He tried to only focus on how warm his daddy was, but he started feeling his stomach cramp even harder. He got out of his stupor. What was he thinking? He was not really ready for it, pooping on his diaper was one of his fantasies, but to do it while he was being carried...Yet peeing had felt so good, humiliating, yes, but also good. He'd read a lot about poopy diapers, they said it'd feel warm and mushy, and if there was a lot, it would spread all over his crotch. But doing it would be crossing another barrier, and he'd crossed so many already... He felt his stomach cramp again, his daddy kept a tight hold on him, and all the bouncing, so calming before, was now starting to feel more uncomfortable as his stomach let out so much gas.

"Is my little boy farting?" Matt could tell it was going to be a big load; with the amount of food he'd been eating today, it could not be any other way. He saw his baby squirm, definitely embarrassed by the idea, but at the same time, he looked as if he were debating what to do. Sometimes daddy's have to make this kind of decision for their babies. "Is my little baby boy gonna go poopy for daddy? Just like a little boy?". Joshy flushed, now squirming even harder.

Joshy was embarrassed, he kept on passing gas, and since his daddy had his arm around his tushy, it felt so degrading. He could feel the pressure building up, his stomach cramping even harder. Maybe it was better to choose the corner time, having to soil himself like this while being carried... He kept on sucking to his pacy. "daddy," he whined, though thanks to the pacy sounded more like "addy." He sounded childish, but he did not want to let go of his daddy to remove his pacy, he wanted to make him understand that he preferred corner time, but he didn't know how... He farted, a considerable stream of gas escaping from his hole, it felt muffled because his daddy was pressing his hand against his tushy. And then it happened, while he was being bounced on Matt's arms, wearing a pacifier and a huge diaper, Josh, college student, the current start of the soccer team, soiled himself. A massive load of poo started to fill his diaper, enveloping his ass in a warmth that he was not wholly comfortable with, and then spreading to his crotch. It felt warm and mushy, and soon the smell started to waft upwards towards him. It actually felt kinda good, if one could forget how embarrassing it was. His dick was demanding attention again.

Matt could tell when his baby boy was going, he felt the back of the diaper go warm and saw his baby boy's expression go into shock. He was still holding him, and even though he knew how humiliated his boy had been, he could not help but relish the feeling of having an adult completely babified. Josh looked so cute, he kept on bouncing him, mushing all that poo on his diaper. He knew that this was a big step for Joshy, this was one of the most childish things Joshy could do, it was bound to help with his embarrassment. And truth be told, he loved that it had happened now, it saved him the trouble to have to punish his baby boy and feel bad about it. "What's happened, sweetie? what have you done?" He kept on cooing at his baby boy. "Did you make stinkies, sweetie?"

Josh came to when he heard his daddy coo at him. He was utterly embarrassed. He hid again on his daddy's shoulder while said daddy kept on bouncing him, squishing the contents of his diaper. And the smell, it seemed to fill the whole room, it was all so overwhelming. He felt so ashamed, he was now completely soiled on a guy's arms, and the worst part was that he wanted to cling to his daddy to escape the shame. He heard daddy chuckle.

Matt chuckled, his baby looked so cute. "Now, now, sweetie, it's okay, daddy's gonna change you and then it's gonna be playtime before nigh night. Does that sound, alright?" Joshy nodded, he felt way too embarrassed to talk. Matt smiled and tickled his baby boy again. Joshy giggled and squirmed, pressing his diaper even harder against his daddy's hand.

"Okay, sweetie, let's get you to the changing table then." Matt placed his baby boy down on the changing table again, loving the expression he made when his full diapee made contact with it. The sides of the diaper, before white, now looked obscured, a sort of brownish hue clinging to them. Matt smiled and went about gathering the supplies for his baby's first poppy change.


	7. CHAPTER 7: MESSY CHANGE AND PLAYTIME

CHAPTER 7: MESSY CHANGE AND PLAYTIME

Joshy was on a daze as he was being laid on the changing table. He came to, as he felt his tushy connect with the soft surface, smearing the contents of his diaper all over. The poo smushing against his skin with every little movement. It felt so warm and sticky. His mind was in turmoil, trying to process the situation he was in. He had some of the facts down: he was a 20 years old jock; he'd just met a guy named Matt, and had spent a fantastic day enacting his fantasy. All good up to this point, the problem emerged when he faced the following fact: He had utterly soiled his diaper while being carried like a baby. And.....there it was. His long time companion. The shame. He felt so embarrassed. Especially now that he could feel all of it brushing against his skin. Joshy could not deny that he had not entirely abhorred the idea of going poopy on his diaper. It had been one of his long time fantasies. His dick, now straining yet again inside his diaper, was proof enough of that. But there was a fine line between shame and the sheer pleasure he felt from these activities, that he still did not know how to navigate. And he was currently standing on it, trying to keep his balance with everything he had.

People had to give some credit to those Tumblr boys that did this on the regular and posted it online. How could one get used to this? No----, perhaps that was not the right question. How did one overcome the shame? How to shake that intense feeling of foreboding that had taken root within him from the very start. -----But he had, hadn't he? For a moment, it had felt as if he'd been doing better; he'd been sinking deeper and deeper. Allowing that small part of himself that lay buried deep within to take over. It had been like awakening after a long----long nap. Never, in a million years, would he have thought this to be possible. He had imagined it, often enough that the whole process should already have been second nature at this point. But for some reason, it wasn't. His adult side was screaming at him; reminding him that he, at 20 years old, had no right to these wonderful infantile garments; even if for a moment, it had felt nice, peaceful even. That marvelous warmth that was currently enveloping him did not belong. His mind, shaped by social conditions for twenty years, prompted him to act as he was supposed to. Regardless of how much every fiber of his body wanted the complete opposite.

And now he was lying on a changing table, peacefully awaiting his diaper to be changed by his daddy. And somehow, he did not think there could be a more babyish feeling. It had felt so good to let go and just be baby Joshy, regardless of what he should be; he wanted to bask in that feeling again until all his worries dissipated. Something so pure and innocent, it did not hurt anyone; it could not hurt anyone. How could something be wrong if it didn't harm anyone? If it allowed him to fully be happy and relax? ----Joshy felt it then, a small voice, sweet, almost like a melody. A familiar lullaby. A beckoning and a dare. This was alright. He was alright. No... this whole thing could not be wrong. Joshy would not accept any other answer. Perhaps it was not in the--avoiding the shame, but in--- not allowing it to take hold, not allowing it to dictate his actions. This was all about embracing himself, with no judgment on his part. Joshy closed his eyes and started sucking on his pacy, taking in the gentle rhythm of its sounds as it slid slightly in and out of his mouth. That marvelous rubbery feeling that he was quickly getting accustomed to. It felt like an extension of his body. And so he fully allowed the little voice in his head to take over; that gentle lullaby to carry him in between its notes into a place where judgment dissipated, and only his true self remained. A small smile appeared on his lips as he fully embraced his little side.

Matt was absolutely thrilled by how beautiful his baby boy looked. Joshy had been scrunching his face a moment ago, no doubt battling with his inner demons again. Going poopy was bound to be tough on him. And he had been prepared to intervene if the need arose. But swiftly enough, his baby boy had calmed down on his own. He'd seen it on his eyes, that small flicker of shame, diminishing, curling in on itself until it was nothing more than an ember. And then it had dimmed. His shoulders had sagged, he'd closed his eyes, and that beautiful mouth had curled up in a content smile. Matt knew it then; that was his baby boy letting go. Finally! The only way for him to ultimately benefit from this experience was by fully embracing himself. And Matt knew that for a guy like Josh, full of insecurities and fears, that was no easy feat. It took time to unwind years and years of stereotypes and repression. The fact that it was happening so fast spoke volumes as to how much Joshy had needed this very thing. Matt beamed and gently caressed his baby's hair. "I've got you covered, buddy. Daddy's here." As if in answer, Joshy let out a content sigh and widened his smile. 

Matt had a very messy baby to tend to, so he went about gathering all the supplies needed. Once he had everything within casual reach, he allowed himself to fully take in the sight that was in front of him. Joshy's diaper peeked from both sides of his onesie, now too full to be completely contained. He could spot its seams stained a light brown. He fondled it a little, relishing the feeling of his hands as they made contact with the soft fabric of the diaper. And the delicious sounds it elicited,----oh, he could never tire of those. Joshy squiggled, now that he did not have his teddy, trying to cover his face with his arm. Matt chuckled and grabbed his boy's plushy, gently handing it to him. "Here you go, sweetie, hug your friend while daddy gets you all cleaned up." Joshy opened his eyes and beamed at his teddy, immediately reaching for it and crushing it into a bone tight hug, sighing in relief. Matt smiled at the endearing sight. Joshy truly was going to be a handful little boy. He caressed his boy's cheek, eliciting a small smile from Joshy. Oh.... a jolt of electricity traveled down his body and straight to his groin-----He decided to get to work, or else he'd just eat him up, teddy and all. 

He opened his baby's onesie and unstrapped his diaper, revealing the full extent of the damage. To say that the diaper was absolutely soiled would be an understatement. Where before it had looked white and clean, it now was fully stained a light brownish color. The back had absorbed much of the damage, but when there had not been enough room, it had transferred to its front, successfully coating most of his hinder regions in different shades of brown. Large pieces of his own poo were wedged against his ass crack and stuck to his tights, in much the same way a baby's would. The diaper's previously smooth surface was now also hinged with a faint trace of urine, adding in a soft yellowish color to complete the utter mess that Joshy's diaper had become. And the smell... the smell wafted up, enveloping the nursery in a musky odor that left no doubts as to who's room this was; A baby's nursery.  
"Oh my, sweetie...those sure are some messy diapers". He tickled Joshy, making him giggle and cover his face with his teddy. "Who's a little stinky bum?" He kept on poking him, completely enthralled by Joshy's cute responses. He was a mesh of giggles and laughter. A faint blush covered his cheeks, but he did not seem as ashamed as before, so he took it as a sign to proceed with the teasing. "You are! Yes, you are". Matt cooed. "Don't worry, sweetie. Daddy is gonna clean you up and get you nice and comfy in a second". He pinched Josh's nose playfully. 

Josh flushed, he wanted to hide against his teddy bear, but at the same time, daddy's relentless attacks prevented him from doing so. After all, he had to cover his tummy so it wouldn't be accessible to the attacks. All that tickling was also making it harder for him to contain his pee. His bladder still had some fluids to release, and-----A small flicker of mischief crossed his eyes. The baby talk and tickles were really getting to him, he kinda lived for them, but still, a little revenge was in order, he couldn't let daddy win every round. 

Matt felt something, like water, or more like-----he looked down and saw-------He chuckled "Now, now, sweetie, don't' pee on daddy. Wait until your diapee is on" He ruffled his boy's hair, relishing in the infantile transgression. The pee had not reached him, but it had been a close call. He'd typically get mad, but seeing how much Joshy was getting into headspace, he did not want to snap him out of it. Joshy just let out a resolute "huff," as if satisfied by his work and covered his face with his teddy again. Matt chortled, this was a baby boy already comfortable with being himself. 

Matt savored this part. He usually adored the utter humiliation of having a grown-up guy laying on a changing table, diapers completely soiled, completely defenseless, and waiting patiently for his daddy to change him. There was something about the shame combined with the care and love that just spoke to him. A shiver ran through his spine. He could feel his dick straining against the fabric of his pants----- a no so discrete bulge already present and reporting for duty. He guessed that just jerking off once wasn't going to cut it. Not with Joshy. None of his previous experiences could ever compare to this one. Joshy looked positively delicious, slowly sucking on his pacifier, scrunching his eyes hard, a slight flush covering his smooth cheeks, and a full boner furiously reaching towards his tummy, twitching for attention. And it was all Matt could do to restrain himself. He really wanted to just------No, that train of thought would not do, but------ he looked so cute! This was testing his will power. 

He wanted to see his baby's eyes again, to etch the image into his mind to revisit when Joshy unavoidably left come Monday. Matt smirked, the spark of an idea already forming on his mind. It had seemed that the baby talk was working on Joshy " Oh my!.. what a stinky little baby". He tickled his baby boy again, making him giggle and open his eyes. Mission accomplished. He looked him in the eye and------for a second, their eyes locked, and the world froze. He wanted to reach down and envelope his body in his arms. To share the burden of every fear, every insecurity that had ever weighed on his mind. He wanted to be that rock that supported Josh. To be the other side to his coin. And oh---- how desperately he wanted it. But he knew he should not overstep his boundaries, not like this, and not now. He had to wait for a sign, Joshy had to be the one to instigate it. He would not----could not damage his baby boy. He just looked so happy right now. What if he didn't provide just what Joshy needed and ended up hurting him? What if after one weekend he decided he didn't want to come again? Matt had been mending his wounds over the past year. But what if once Joshy unavoidably left, they tore open again? He did not think he'd survive having his heart broken another time.

As if sensing the internal ordeal his daddy was going through, Joshy reached his hand towards Matt, teddy bear and all, and joined them together. He wanted to let him know that he trusted him. That no matter how hard this whole thing was for him, he had already placed his complete trust on him. For a second---somehow---his hands felt smaller, they fit so perfectly. He knew they were not smaller; they were roughly the same size, but ---somehow... He scrunched his eyes again as if embarrassed by his own thoughts. 

Matt was instantly pushed out of his reverie. He leered at their now clasped hands. The warmth of it all. He really had no chance against this little tiger, did he? He looked at his baby boy, a tentative smile now playing on his lips. And Matt could not help but smile back at this little boy who had given him so much in so little time. Words were not necessary, for he understood perfectly what Joshy was trying to convey. For "I trust you" was written on those beautiful ocean eyes. He'd survive. He'd take care of Joshy, and what came afterward, he'd think then, not now. And so Matt proceeded with the change, all the while, a smile dancing on his lips. A smile that he thought he'd lost the day Robert had shattered him. Perhaps this was not the same one, this one felt more genuine than any other he'd given to someone else before—a ray of sunlight after a very cloudy day. 

Josh had been entirely at ease, focusing on the rubbery teat on his mouth while his diaper had been snapped open. It felt as if every sound, every faint caress of his daddy's hands against him, sent a shiver through his whole body. He felt both so alert, everything was intensified. And then another sneak attack had come. He'd felt his daddy's hands tickling both sides, and it had been all he could do to laugh and giggle. Even to his own ears, those infantile sounds were no different than those of a baby. In the end, he'd wind up, opening his eyes. He should already have been used to it, but the image that greeted him----- he did not think he could ever get used to it. Matt, I mean, daddy, stood poised in front of him, towering over the changing table. A small smile on his eyes, and that faint flicker of something else dancing on his eyes. Those vibrant green eyes were solely focused on Joshy. And for a moment, he felt as if everything else in the world had vanished, leaving only them behind. He could not tear away from his sight. He'd been with so many girls, some of them, he'd thought he'd loved but----- it had never felt quite------quite like this. And then he'd seen his daddy's eyes get darker, and Joshy had felt the need to reassure him, so he'd done just that. His hand moving on its own.

And now Joshy was beet red, not yet ready to think this through. It had felt almost instinctual. The moment he'd seen shadows cross his daddy's eyes, he'd wanted them away, and before he'd realized it, his hand had been clutching his daddy's. He was a coward, or he felt like one, but he couldn't help but feel afraid, scared shitless that he'd get lost on this whole thing, which he did not yet understand. Joshy was terrified he'd end up changing more than he'd been anticipating. He was getting awfully attached to Matt. It was as if a part of him was breaking free, and he did not know if he could ever sow it back together. He started feeling the spark of anxiety come to life. No-----he did not want to go down that road. Perhaps he'd think about it later, or tomorrow, whenever it was most convenient, but most definitely not now.

Matt cleaned his baby boy with a wet wipe, more like lots of them. Scooping up all the little traces of poo that clung to his baby's skin, and making sure he left no trace behind. "Lift your tushy, sweetie." Joshy blushed but did as instructed, and Matt took the diaper off, folding it and placing it in its container. Then he put a new diaper on him. It was just as thick as the previous one.

Matt grabbed the powder and started sprinkling it over his baby's intimates. All the while, he kept a slow stream of baby talk. Making Joshy giggle and blush throughout the whole change while ignoring his bulging erection. Joshy wanted some attention on his privates, but daddy seemed intent on ignoring it. He had just come not too long ago, but it seemed not to be enough. "Raise your arms, sweetie lets get this Yukie onesie out." Joshy did so, still lost in his thoughts. He was left in only a diapee and his socks, and somehow it felt more comfortable than the onesie had been. His erection was now painfully obvious.

Matt ignored his baby's erection, it wouldn't do to spoil him again so soon, and took a cute football outfit from the closet. Joshy's attention shifted from his hard-on to what his daddy now held in his hands. He could not help but notice that even in this, his daddy had been throughout. The shirt and shorts were a replica of the ones Josh used when he played. Red shirt and pants. Matt showed him the back of the shirt, a devilish grin spreading on his lips, and Josh went scarlet. That's where the difference was. The number and name were correct, but there was a slight difference, it read "Baby Joshy, 10" in white letters.  
"Daddy had to get you a uniform in case you wanted to play football." Joshy went crimson, using his teddy as a shield yet again. He did not know how he'd play with such a bulky diaper on, he couldn't even close his legs properly.

Matt chuckled, he had been expecting the reaction. He'd actually been looking forward to it. And he knew the boy would look incredible with his little uniform on. And if he was honest, it was going to be really----really hot. He gingerly dressed his baby boy and stepped back to examine his work. Wow, he had to give props to himself. Joshy looked positively adorable. The outfit was complemented by those rosy cheeks that seemed a permanent fixture now. "Don't you look cute? sweetie?" He cooed and tickled him again. Josh giggled, trying to placate the attack. 

Joshy supposed he did indeed looked cute. The pants were much too short, and the diapee was much too bulky. So much so that it peeked out from the top. It felt weird to be wearing something so similar to what he'd wear for practice while in this get-up. Matt had asked him months ago about his football practices and games. And Josh, a genuine football fanatic, had been delighted to talk about it. So this is why he'd inquired about the attire so much. Joshy felt incredibly babyish, but he loved looking down and seeing how the front of his pants bulged. The feel of a freshly changed diapee on his skin was pure bliss, and if one added this outfit. He clutched his teddy when daddy started with the tickling again, he needed to find a strategy against tickles. Once they started, he became a mesh of giggles and laughter. His pacy bobbing this way and that every time he laughed, and he loved it, but it also annoyed him. Then he realized it, even to his own ears, the sound of his own laughter was so foreign. How long had it been since he'd been this jolly? He did not remember. There had been a time when smiling and laughing had come easy to him. When his expressions hadn't been calculated, but genuine. Somewhere along the way, though, he'd lost that part of himself. And now, in such a short time, it was coming back. Perhaps all he ever needed was to truly be able to be himself? He liked the feeling of letting go completely and allowing someone to take charge. It was becoming so easy to sink deeper into headspace. 

Matt smiled at his baby boy. He lifted him up from the changing table and carefully placed him on the floor. The diaper crinkled when it made contact with the carpet. "C'mon sweetie, daddy is gonna show you your new playroom." Joshy did not move, though, he just stared at him and pouted.

Joshy did not want to crawl, he'd expected Daddy to carry him. It was comfier. So he pouted, looking up at his daddy. He wanted to play, but he did not want to have to crawl. Not when he knew how warm and comfy his daddy's arms where. 

Matt chuckled, what a needy baby he'd had himself scored. He crouched in front of him and ruffled his hair. "What's that, sweetie. You don't wanna see your new playroom?" Joshy pouted some more and shook his head. Matt chuckled again. He knew what he wanted. All his boys loved it when they discovered he was able to carry them. And Josh, it seemed, was no different. "Mmm, I wonder------Maybe you don't want a playroom? And to think that daddy has worked so hard on it" He made a show of feeling dejected. Joshy looked sad for a second and quickly raised his arms towards him, looking up with big droopy eyes. No chance-----he definitely had no chance of winning against this little bundle of cuteness. Matt enveloped him with his arms and lifted him up, standing up in one swift motion. Joshy took advantage of the situation and returned to his favorite spot, just on the crook of his daddy's neck. He inhaled in his daddy's scent and smiled, fully satisfied. He'd won. "What's that, sweetie? Where's my baby boy, I can't find him" Matt made a show of looking around the nursery with his baby on his arms. "Mmm, I wonder, I had him in front of me a second ago. Where could he have gone?" He moved to the crib and looked directly toward one of the big teddy bears, "Hello, Mr. Teddy. Have you seen my baby?" He made a show of pretending to hear a response from the plushy. "No, he's cute and small, blond hair." He paused again, pretending to listen to the teddy's answer.

Josh giggled and pointed at himself, he was here, he had not hidden. Daddy looked at him and hugged him harder. "Here he is," he beamed, placing a kiss on his forehead. "My beautiful little football player." Joshy blushed a little at that, raising his teddy bear to conceal his face. "Ohh!! Teddy is also here. Daddy almost forgot," Josh nodded, a little embarrassed at his own actions. It was starting to feel more like second nature to act like a baby. 

Matt noticed his baby getting ashamed, so a distraction was in order. " Do we already have a name for him, sweetie?" Joshy smiled behind his pacy and nodded solemnly. He'd been thinking about a name for his teddy for a while, but none seemed to stick. But then he'd remembered the plushie Andrew's sister had given him when he'd stayed over at their house years ago.

"Isn't my little prince going to tell me how I should address his teddy?" Joshy looked so cute. Matt started bouncing him gently on his hip. 

Joshy was a little hesitant, speaking in "baby talk" was really embarrassing, but he still wanted his daddy to know his teddy's name. Besides, he'd have to do it sooner or later. He gathered all his courage and said, "Teddy," which thanks to the pacifier, sounded more like "Eddy." Matt chuckled "Why? That's a perfect name, sweetie. Eddy, I'm Joshy's daddy, nice to meet you". He shook the plushy's paw, and Josh went scarlet again. He'd started thinking of him as daddy, but this was the first time he'd realized it. Joshy felt like it was the truth, Matt was an awesome daddy, and the realization of how comfortable he was around him sent a jolt of pleasure through his body. He immediately covered his face on his daddy's shoulder again. 

Matt chuckled and kissed his hair, "Don't be shy, sweetie. You can be your big strong self outside when you are not with daddy. But here, you are my sweet little boy". Joshy tried to burrow into his daddy's shoulder even harder at that. Matt smiled. "C'mon sweetie, Daddy is gonna take you to your new playroom." He carried Joshy towards the double doors that stood closed inside the nursery. Josh had already forgotten about them, he still hadn't seen what was behind, but he had a feeling it wasn't going to disappoint.

Matt opened the doors with his free hand, to reveal a spacious room with high windows to the side, completely littered with toys. Josh had thought that the toys under the crib were awesome, but this----this---the whole room's floor was a carpet depicting an entire city. Streets and streets were painted in incredible detail. There were little shops and houses and even a beach. There was a big tv in the front wall, and shelves full of crates overflowing with toys, stood on both its sides. Some of them were closed, but Joshy spied cars and trains sticking out of one of the boxes; coloring books and storybooks from another; big colorful blocks stood in one corner and a small blue cupboard, placed beneath the tv with no doors, held the biggest array of paints and colors he'd ever seen. The room had a big playpen by the window, a mobile hanging from its top, and right beside it, a light blue bouncer hung from the ceiling. It was all framed by soft blue walls, with cartoon stickers glued at intervals. 

Joshy was in absolute awe, he'd never seen a play space like this. He couldn't wait to see everything that those boxes contained. He kept on examining the room, to the other side, a big, floor-to-ceiling mirror greeted him, and right beside it, another door stood closed. Joshy glimpsed himself in the mirror. He'd seen the image before on the elevator, but it was never going to get old. And this outfit----He went crimson and hid his face again. He was clinging to his daddy's neck, Eddy still clutched between his fingers. And somehow, he looked so small in comparison to daddy.  
The football uniform seemed to just accentuate the fact, especially with how bulky the diapers were. He couldn't avoid imagining what other people would think if they saw him now. From top to bottom, he looked like a complete baby. His daddy's hand was on his bum, and Joshy's arms were resting on his shoulders. The pacifier was covering the majority of his mouth, and it made his cheeks look so puffy. He could spy the top of his diaper peeking out from the top of his pants as his shirt rode up. And a faint flush covered his cheeks...He tried to hide from his own reflection, concentrating on his daddy's scent. He smelled so lovely, faint traces of soap and aftershave clinging to his skin. Joshy secretly adored how strong his daddy's arms were, even now, he was carrying him with no apparent effort. He blushed profusely.

Matt chuckled, "I take it you like it?" Joshy just nodded, not even bothering to lift his head from its hiding place. "Daddy thought you would," he placed a kiss on his forehead, before carefully setting him down on the playmat. He then proceeded to unload some of the boxes for Joshy to see his new toys.

Joshy was thrilled; he was on a big play mat littered with toys, toys, toys; from cars to soldiers, to blocks of every color and even an erasable little blackboard. All toys for kids around 1-2 years old. He couldn't wait to start playing. He began to crawl when he was halted by two big hands on his midsection, "Now, now, sweetie. What do we say to daddy for getting you new toys?" Joshy flushed; he knew that daddy wouldn't relent, so without looking up, he said, "Fanyouu." Matt chuckled, "Now, now, sweetie, we can do better than that. Thank daddy properly". Joshy blushed, Matt's hands seemed so impossibly big and strong. He felt so small and defenseless being stopped like that. He knew exactly what he had to say, and he supposed that a little more wouldn't hurt since he had already been through all the events of the day. "Fank you, addy." Matt smiled at that, "That's my sweet little boy," He placed a small kiss to his hair, and let him go.

Joshy crawled as fast as he could towards the cars, trying to outrun his shame. The cars had caught his attention right away. There were many of them, and all in different colors: blue, red, orange, yellow, black… there was a police car and an ambulance, a sports car, and even a big firetruck! He'd always wanted one of those. He had reached it before he had finished that thought. He examined it for a second before the realization hit him. He looked around, and sure enough, daddy was there, watching him with a smile plastered on his face. 

Matt crouched in front of his baby boy, and soon, he was helping Joshy build a fort out of blocks in which to keep his firetruck. 

_________________

"Okay, sweetie, let's get you some milk, and then it's time for your night nights" Joshy looked up from where he was trying to get Eddy to understand that: No, the police car was not more important than the fire truck; and No, they were not necessary for a rescue mission. Wait! Did daddy intend to make him stop playing? He pouted and pretended not to have heard his daddy, getting back to his cars. 

Matt chuckled and crouched beside his baby boy. He'd been playing for a couple hours, at first he'd seemed a little more self-conscious, but by now, he was even having conversations with Eddy. It appeared that the plushy had his own opinions, and those not always aligned with his little prince's. It had been so cute to see him argue with the teddy bear, his eyebrows frown in concentration while he tried to make Eddy understand what he thought was going to be better. The sight was really endearing, but it was 7 o'clock already, and he had to put this little tickle to sleep. "C'mon, sweetie, you can play again tomorrow," he ruffled his hair. When Joshy made no move to stop, he sighed, and without any warning, lifted Joshy and Eddy up, carefully cradling him on his hip. 

Joshy went from being shocked to outraged to displeased in a second. He turned his head away from daddy. Matt tried to gently coax him to look at him, but Joshy would not budge. "I know, I know, daddy is horrible for not letting you play." He tried to tickle his baby boy, but Joshy wasn't having it. "Someone is a little grumpy" Joshy continued to ignore his daddy. Matt sighed and carried his baby boy back to the nursery. "Okay, then. Eddy, I'll have to talk to you now since this little tiger doesn't want to look at his daddy". Joshy looked sad at that, he slowly looked at his daddy. "You can play tomorrow, sweetie. The toys will still be there, I promise." Joshy hid against his daddy's neck, not answering. Matt sighed again and brought him to the rocking chair. He sat down, arranging Joshy so that he was laying on his lap. Then procured a warm bottle that he'd fetched before stopping his baby's playtime. Joshy was still not looking at him, a little too lost on his headspace now; he acted like a real baby, and it seemed, that baby Joshy was very needy, and didn't like to stop playing.

Joshy was not happy, he'd been playing, and it had been amazing. He'd never imagined that playing with toys like that could be so much fun. At first, when daddy had started helping him build the fort, it had been a little awkward. He'd been a little embarrassed even, but seeing how daddy was prompting him to be himself and play, he'd quickly loosened up. It had been so nice to play and play and just lose himself in the game. But then he'd just been plucked out from his toys. It wasn't even that late, not that he knew the hour, but still... He wanted to play more. And Eddy was not helping, taking daddy's side. He huffed. 

Matt gently coxed Joshy's head towards him and removed the pacifier. Which made Joshy whine, and pout, now hugging Eddy with more strength. "Shhh, sweetie, it okay. Daddy just wants you to have your baba. Here look", he shook the bottle in front of Joshy, while slowly drawing sweet circles on his tummy with his free arm. "And if you are a good boy and behave tomorrow, daddy is gonna give you the biggest present ever. And you'll have more playtime" He was looking at his baby boy directly in the eye, rocking the chair ever so slightly.

The rocking chair made the whole experience so soothing. Daddy was looking down at him with a little concern in his eyes, and this position was so intimate. Joshy knew, deep down, that he was being a total brat, but it was getting harder to stay rational. All he wanted was to play and enjoy. He looked at daddy, there was so much love in those sea-green eyes, they really were a stunning green, it reminded Joshy of Amethyst stones, so vibrant and luminous. He started to calm down, clutching Eddy a little less sharply (sorry Eddy). He focused on the plastic bub of the bottle, unconsciously parting his lips. 

Matt placed the bub of the bottle on Joshy's lips since they were already parting. Such full lips, he looked positively cute sucking from the bottle. The moment he latched, he closed his eyes, burrowing in to Matt's warmth. Matt could not tear his eyes away from the sight that was in front of him. He started slowly, caressing his baby's tummy, all the while whispering sweet nothings into his ear. 

Joshy finished the first bottle, and then followed a second one. He was in pure bliss. All those worries and fears he had getting into this were dissipating one by one. He didn't know how he'd survived without this reprieve before. It had felt as if he'd been going day by day, holding his air, not allowing himself to breathe. And now---now he was breathing, and it felt so damn good. He felt himself relax and go more pliable in his daddy's arms. His eyes were growing heavier and heavier, and his breathing, now synched with the bottle, slowed down.

Matt saw his baby boy falling asleep in his arms, Eddy still clutched on his arms. He could not help but smile. He picked up his boy and gently prompt him up on his shoulder, slowly patting his back until....he burped. Matt chuckled, the action seemed to have startled his little boy from his slumber. "It's okay, sweetie. Daddy's gonna get you all tucked up for bed". He carried him to the crib, lowered the railing, and placed him inside, carefully tucking him in. Joshy frantically looked at both sides, "Eddy." Daddy chuckled, "I know, sweetie, He's here, right by your side," He covered the little teddy bear with the blanket and turned the mobile on. Joshy was closing and opening his eyes, exhaustion clearly waging a battle against his curiosity. Matt kissed Joshy's forehead and went to turn the night lamp on. The baby stirred a little and, to Matt's surprise, kissed the teddy bear and sighed. Matt chuckled, this was truly a dream come true. 

As soundlessly as he could, he turned off the lights and closed the door. Resting his back against the door for a second. He sighed, what a lovely sight, a beautiful boy on his way to regression. Tomorrow he'd have to talk to Joshy seriously about their future plans. Hopefully, he'd agree, but at least, he'd seen the boy unwind and relax for today. And that was a significant accomplishment in itself. Happy with how the day had unfolded, Matt traveled through the corridor and out of the office. 

When he got to bed, for the first time in months, he slept peacefully, no nightmares tormenting him, no memories wrecking him. It was the first of many peaceful nights to come.


	8. CHAPTER 8: SWEET MOMENTS

CHAPTER 8: SWEET, SWEET INDULGENCE

The soft morning light filtered through the nursery's blinds, illuminating the room in soft hues, and falling across the wooden railings of Joshy's crib to gently caress his face. He woke up to the soft fabric of his diaper enveloping him. It was such a fantastic feeling! It had been the best night's sleep he'd had in years. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept that well. No nightmares had plagued his dreams, no hard-concealed fears had resurfaced from the depths of his memory to torment him. For the first time in a long---long time, Joshy felt well-rested upon waking up.

He looked around and saw Eddy by his side, the soft plushy laying upside down beside his pillow. Joshy reached for him and hugged his plushy friend, letting out a big sigh of contentment. It felt so nice to wake up feeling warm and cozy for a change. He noticed the rubbery feeling of the pacifier on his mouth. Somehow, it had not been lost during his sleep. After yesterday's nap, he'd found it by the pillow, so he'd naturally assumed it would become a regular thing. He was getting so enamored with it; he loved how it filled his mouth and gave him something to do when he was embarrassed; as if it were a layer of protection that he could always carry with him. The sucking motion was also incredibly calming. He still could not fathom how such a simple thing could bring him so much joy. 

Joshy stretched his arms a little, shaking off the remaining exhaustion out of his body, and let out a big yawn. Yesterday's events started tucking at the corners of his mind. After the initial wave of embarrassment had died down, everything had become much easier. As if he had been able to fully embrace that part of himself that laid buried deep within. His worries had started dissipating, and this incredible warmth had settled where before only anxiety and fears had dwelled. And boy! He'd loved every second of it. He had thoroughly enjoyed how loving Matt had been and how gently he treated him. It felt a little embarrassing to admit it, even to himself, but he'd felt like a treasure to Matt, someone essential to him. And that made Joshy feel giddy on the inside. 

Joshy was sure that if Matt hadn't handled everything as he had, he would have bolted after one of his multiple meltdowns. It had been so hard to let go at first... Josh had almost felt hopeless, trying to unwind while battling that all-encompassing shame. And it had been only due to all the coxing and encouragement he'd received, that he had pulled through. Matt--- I mean daddy, because that's what he was to him, had told him that he could be baby Joshy here, and big Joshy when he left this paradise. And maybe, there was a way to make both of his sides happy. To make sure they had their allotted times. Perhaps it was not about fighting it, but knowing that it was alright to be himself, diapers and all. Joshy was Joshy and as weird as it could sound, maybe---just maybe, it was okay to need this. Joshy knew that it still was a long way until he could be totally freed from the embarrassment, but he figured it was a good start.

All these thoughts were crossing his mind when he noticed the mobile atop his crib. It had been on when daddy had put him to sleep, but it was off now. It felt oddly compelling, if only because it was the only thing that could distract him right now. ---Eddy was still sleepy and did not provide much entertainment--- It had little cars and toys hanging in a wide circle, and if he focused long enough, he felt like he could remember its gentle melody, and how it had lulled him to sleep in between its soft notes. He observed it for a second, wondering how one might turn it on. It was kind of high, and he knew that with how bulky his diapee was, standing up was not going to be easy. That got his attention snapping back to his diapee and what was inside, his hard-on. His pee-pee was hard again, a totally regular occurrence for someone in his twenties. But it was so different to feel it through his diaper. The crunchiness and thickness were marvelous, and if he were to rub his diapee, he knew he'd feel his dick enveloped by that sweet warmth that seemed to always cling to them. He knew he shouldn't touch himself, daddy had said so, and yesterday he'd been about to be punished for it. Daddy had done so much for him while asking for so little...He really wanted to be a good boy and get praised, so he tried distracting himself. He looked to the side, seeing his changing table, which reminded him of yesterday's change time after making poppies. Nope-----that train of thought would do nothing to quench his hard-on.

Yesterday he had peed and pooed in his diaper, and it had felt so right to do so. That all-encompassing warmth enveloping his crotch, and the shame mixed with the exhilaration .… He wanted to experience it again. Daddy had made it so humiliating and caring at the same time. 

Joshy kept thinking how good it had felt and how the warm diaper had made him feel secure and in need of care, just like a baby. Now it was bound to be easier since he was alone. So he tried to let go, only to find out that it was actually incredibly hard to will yourself to pee outside of the bathroom, if you are potty trained. He pictured how he looked now, Joshy was a baby, and so he wasn't potty trained. Joshy allowed that sweet part of himself to take over, and tried again, and again until he felt his diaper grow warm and mushy. A small smile played on his lips. "Eddy, on't tell addy, kay," he flushed. He couldn't believe how childish he sounded, even to his own ears. But then again, here he was baby oshy, and it was going to be okay, just as long as he allowed himself the chance to be who he needed to be.

\---------  
Matt woke up to the sound of the automatic blinds in his room opening, the soft buzzing sound enough to jolt him awake. He rubbed his temples, a little exhaustion still lingering on his body. He looked to the side and reached for the tablet that lay on the other side of the bed. In seconds the baby monitoring app was opening, and the image of his baby's nursery flickered to life. Joshy seemed to be awake and peacefully playing with Eddy. He looked so cute, having full conversations with the plushy. 

Part of him still could not believe how perfect Joshy was for him. How good they fit together. If he focused enough, he could still feel that familiar weight on his arms. How his baby's breath would tickle his neck when he'd try to hide against it. And that sweet smell! Powder and the vanilla lotion he'd used on him, Joshy's favorite scent. He was all Matt had envisioned and more. 

Yesterday had been the best day of his life. While it was true that Joshy had had some trouble adjusting, seeing that beautiful smile of his play on his lips had been well worth it. He knew what it was to be broken, to repress one's feelings so much and for so long that they ended up all tangled and confused. He'd been through it before. Another time, when he'd been an orphan running through the streets of a raging city leading a gang with his best friend. His love. His first boyfriend. Robert. It had been so hard for him to come to terms with being gay. To have to double think what everyone thought of him. He still remembered a time when he'd had to put every effort into not caring what others said, into being the alpha guy, the right-hand man to one of the worst mob gangsters in the area. Every breath, every movement, had been calculated. All of him had been concealed, contained. Until he'd lost sight of what was him and what was that persona he'd created. He'd felt as if living in a lie, but he'd endured because of his love. Robert. Only to realize that the man he'd given everything to had lied all along. 

Matt knew a thing or two about shame and expectations, and he'd seen a younger version of himself in Josh. That raw determination to be what others demanded, with no regard for himself. That had nearly destroyed him. And to see his baby boy going through that... No, he would not allow that. He'd make sure his baby was safe and happy and cuddled. He'd protect him because that's what Matt was, his protector, his daddy.

Matt stood up and dashed through the house towards the nursery, not even bothering to wash his face first. He got into the library, the secret door not opening fast enough for his liking. Matt had such amazing plans for today! He was sure Joshy would be thrilled, and now that he'd gotten him more used to everything, he was hoping he would truly enjoy all the beautiful things abdl had to offer.

Once the doors opened, he strode towards the nursery as fast as he could. Inside, he flicked the switch beside the door, and the blinds on the window opened, fully allowing the light to seep in, startling a wide-eyed little boy, who was currently looking towards the door. Matt smiled, "Rise and shine, sweetie." He went straight for Joshy's crib, looking down at his baby boy—that small smile still dancing on his lips. Joshy was covering his eyes with his free hand, Eddy clutched in the other, the sudden gust of light had momentarily blinded him. He looked so cute, never letting go of Eddy, Matt just wanted to lift him up and hug the living daylights out of him. NO---he had to be careful, he didn't want to unconsciously add too much strength and hurt him.

"Has my baby boy slept well?" Joshy nodded shyly, small traces of exhaustion still lingering on his face. Matt chuckled and lowered the railing. Not wasting any time and inspecting his boy's diaper. It was wet, still a little warm. A smile spread on his lips. Joshy must have wet himself upon waking up. There was no way he'd have an accident at night just yet. This just meant that he was getting more comfortable with his little side. "up we go sweety," Matt cooed as he lifted his baby boy on his arms, placing him on his hip. Matt hugged his little tiger, allowing that sweet scent of him to envelop him again. His smile grew wider. This was the best morning ever. The familiar weight of his baby boy on his arms felt so right. As if it was meant to be there. Matt had known all kinds of pleasures in his life, but there was something about this; about the love and care that went both ways, that sang to his very soul. A little time with his baby was enough to put him in a good mood. 

Joshy squealed, not having expected to be picked up just yet. He'd loved how daddy had gone directly to check his diaper. It was a little embarrassing, but at the same time, it made him feel so small. Now he was in daddies arms, Eddy's paw still clutching his hand. Eddy didn't want to be alone, and Joshy, being such a good little boy, allowed him to be by his side at all times. What? Sue him! He sighed in relief, he felt so happy and content. As if nothing could hurt him just as long as daddy was here with him. He kissed addy's cheek and burrowed into the crook of his neck, his eyes half-closed again.

Matt chuckled, Joshy was getting so into headspace. "That's one lovely baby I have. Are you greeting daddy with a kiss?" Joshy blushed and hid his head a little more against daddy's shoulder. Matt laughed, this little tiger. He placed a kiss on his forehead, a sweet morning greeting, showing his love for his little boy. "Daddy is so, so happy to have you here to greet him in the morning," he gently caressed Joshy's cheek. Joshy smiling softly on his daddy's shoulder, still very much embarrassed.

Matt gently deposited him on the changing table. "Let's get you changed, little monster." He tickled him, making Joshy giggle and squirm. Joshy relished the amount of attention he was getting from daddy. He was pretty sure there could not be a better feeling.

Matt smiled at his baby boy, the diaper was way bulkier than last night, stretching the fabric of the football pants tight and making it awfully apparent that Joshy had used them. Joshy was covering his face yet again, though this time he peeked from behind Eddy, smiling shyly at daddy. And somehow the contrast between his big alfa side and his little side was so hot. Matt placed a small kiss on his baby's forehead again, it was impossible to resist. "We'll be done in a gist, sweetie." As if in response, Joshy lifted Eddy up as if demanding Edyy be kissed too. Matt chuckled and kissed Eddy's cheek. "Silly daddy, forgetting Eddy again." Joshy nodded and smiled at him. Silly daddy. He definitely seemed way more at ease than he'd been yesterday. If Matt was right, the brunt of the embarrassment had been left behind; now, it was just a matter of getting his baby used to being himself.

Joshy was in heaven. Daddy was changing him again, and with such gentleness and care. He loved how he kissed him every time. It made him so giddy. Eddy was a little jealous, though, so he allowed daddy to kiss him too. But only because they were best friends. It felt as if his mind was becoming simpler, as if the line between pretending and being was thinning, allowing Joshy to fully immerse into abdl. He kept on following daddy's movements, obtaining smiles and sweet words from him. And every time daddy showed him his affection: a gentle kiss pressed on his tummy, a slow caress on his cheek, a beautiful smile, it made something in Joshy's heart clench. As if little butterflies were sprouting to life. He'd always thought that being with someone--friends, family, or love-- meant showing them what he could offer. That he could protect them, be their wall when they needed some support. But here, with daddy, it felt as if just being was enough. As if after so much time, he'd finally realized that relationships could be a give and take. That they need not be hard or complicated. He did not need to be the sixty to the other forty. He could just be himself, with every insecurity and fear, every flaw laid out in the open. And it would be alright. He knew daddy would still be there no matter what. And somehow, that----that made him feel complete.

\---------------------------  
Matt fed Joshy and played with him in the playroom. After lunch, he bathed him, and then he had placed him on his crib for a nap. The day had been so wonderful, so full of those little smiles. Joshy was letting go, and it made him look so cute. The light Matt had seen dimming in Joshy's eyes when they'd first met was now bursting to life. After Joshy had driven the first waves of embarrassment, those barriers had started melting down, and now, the sweet stream that was Joshy's little side was overflowing. If it had been all shyness at first, it was all giggles and playfulness now. And Matt was sure that Joshy would eventually let go entirely and become himself. At least while he was at daddy's place, and to him, there was no greater reward than seeing those beautiful dimples show up over and over again. 

But as with everything, things end, and now he had to get him ready to get back into the adult world. He still had not asked Joshy what he planned to do, and the reality that this may very well be the last time Joshy came was knawing at him. He knew Joshy had enjoyed himself, but he was not gay, and he'd initially wanted a mommy. He was terrified that'd be the case. He'd never felt so at ease with anyone before, and if Joshy never came back..... No! He did not allow himself to think of that just yet. He'd talk to him and respect his baby's decision. He could only hope his baby boy wanted to repeat the experience. 

He lowered the railing of Joshy's crib and looked down at his beautiful boy. Joshy was still sleeping peacefully, one arm clutching Eddy, the other sprawled carelessly behind his head, where his hand was grasping the big teddy's paw. Matt chuckled, such a cuddler. He could not avoid noticing that his boy liked to be continually hugging something. Whether it was Eddy, his daddy, or one of the other plushies didn't really matter. It was such an adorable sight. Part of him wanted to allow him to sleep for five more minutes if only because he wanted to keep seeing that sweet, peaceful expression. But he knew it was only going to make things harder, and it would soon get too dark outside to drive. He didn't want Joshy driving at night. That was for sure. He wished he could drive him himself. He knew Joshy was a grown-up, but it was so hard to let go. His paternal instincts kicking in.

He sighed, knowing he had to let go, and gently nudged Joshy awake. Joshy stirred a little, opened his eyes for a second, smiled at him, and closed them again. And Matt smiled; he knew his boy hadn't had a full rest in a long time. The fact that he was sleeping so comfortably now proved how much he'd needed this little reprieve. Matt gently scooped him up and went to sit on the rocking chair, placing a very sleepy Joshy on his lap. He chuckled when his baby leaned his head on his shoulder and mumbled, "noo, addy."  
"mmm, I wonder....perhaps some tickles are in order here to wake my little tiger...". Matt started tickling Joshy, the little boy becoming a mesh of giggles and laughter in no time. And soon, he opened his eyes. "Now...now! What do we have here!" Matt cooed. He placed his hand on Joshy's tummy "Has my little prince awoken?" he started tickling him again. Joshy giggled, his pacifier bobbing out of his mouth with the force of it. 

Joshy had been awake for a while, he was just trying to stall what came next. Maybe if he pretended to be asleep, he'd be able to stay a little longer? Part of him knew he had to leave, he had a practice game this week with his high school friends. They were reuniting after so long, and he'd already made plans with Andrew. And he knew very well how Andrew would take to being stood up. But he just felt so good here with no worries nagging at him, no responsibilities dragging him down. He'd thought he'd been doing a great job of pretending to be asleep, but----laughter, the booming, roaring kind erupted from him. Daddy was tickling him again. Not this strategy again! He shielded himself with Eddy. He knew it was not fair to Eddy, but he had to take one for the team. He'd cried and laughed so much in a single weekend, he could not believe it himself. 

"There he is, my precious little prince," cooed daddy. Joshy huffed, annoyed his ruse had been blown. "Now, sweetie. I know you wanna cuddle and play, but the weekend is over," he caressed his tummy, "and this little tickle has stuff to do." Joshy knew daddy was right, he could not get out of the things he had to do this week, and daddy was also busy. But still, it was so sad to have to let go... But he had to go. If only because he'd already canceled the trip, they were going on with Andrew and knew his best friend would not take kindly to being ignored all summer. But this felt so good. Today he'd been playing with cars, and had even built a fort with daddy out of pillows and blankets. And that warm bottle he'd been given before nap time.....It had been so peaceful. Joshy felt so sad. Part of him wanted to see his friends, especially Andrew, he had to make sure he did not get into any trouble; but another part of him wished to stay with daddy. He knew it was stupid, maybe even selfish to just want to stay here with no worries, but still. He burrowed further into daddy's chest. What if this was the only time he'd get to experience this? Or if Matt told him he'd just been doing him a favor introducing him to all this? A small tear escaped from his eye.

Matt saw his baby getting anxious, a small tear falling from those beautiful eyes. "Shh, It's okay, sweetie! Daddy is here!". He started rocking them gently. He wiped that tear away, and prompted Joshy's chin upward, "Daddy has a proposition for you, sweetie." Matt looked into Josh's eyes, and there was so much love and care written there that it almost took Josh's breath away. He clung to daddy's shirt, still not willing to let go. 

Matt smiled, he could tell his baby was still fighting his big side, not willing to let go so soon. But he did not want Joshy to get in trouble if he stayed longer. Of course, he'd love the idea of him staying for the whole summer. Forever even. But he knew, deep down, that Joshy had two sides, and both had their needs. He looked into his baby's eyes. That turquoise-blue had almost knocked him unconscious the first time he'd seen the boy. It had felt as if he'd been able to see all of him, all the small pieces that Joshy was. They were so mesmerizing, especially now that they were a little moist, he had trouble keeping his line of thought "Daddy wants to ask you something, sweetie. Is that alright?" he started drawing gentle circles on his baby's tummy.

Joshy did not want to hear anything daddy had to say now, but he was looking at him with such intensity. He truly felt as if Matt cared about him. There had not been a moment in which he'd done something to make him feel bad. Joshy could not have imagined those feelings there, could he? Joshy looked into daddy's eyes, and all he could find there was love. That was enough to convince him that he had to go with his instincts, so he reluctantly nodded.

"Daddy wants to take care of you. Like this weekend, but for longer". Joshy's eyes widened, he was about to say something, but Matt placed his finger on his pacified lips, halting him. "Shh, sweetie, let me finish first. I know you have things to do during the week, and once the semester starts again, you'll probably be busy. But, on the weekends, and whenever you need it. I'd like to..." Matt was getting a little anxious. After all, he knew Joshy was not gay, and perhaps the boy only had wanted a taste of the experience. What if he didn't want to come again? No---he had to be a man and ask, "I'd like to be your daddy and friend. I know your relationship with your family is strangled, and I...I could be...not a substitute, or anything" Gosh, why did this have to be so hard. He took a deep breath, "....just.....your daddy when you need me". 

Joshy was looking at daddy, lost in the way he was staring at him. Daddy seemed to have this way of looking at him as if he saw everything that Joshy was, not only what could be seen from the outside. Joshy loved these sweet embraces. How warm and safe he felt while daddy paid attention to him. It might have been ridiculous for him to need that protection, he was strong after all, perfectly capable of fending for himself, but somehow, this provided another type of safety. The one that only the comfort of someone who truly loves you with all they have can offer. Something he hadn't felt since----since----- he would not think about that, not now, possibly not ever. He did not want this to end, he'd been shown a piece of paradise-----He heard daddy's words, and saw the nervousness written in every line of his face. This man, who had been so sure of himself, who was successful and handsome and was so put together, was getting nervous because he cared about what Joshy would say. And that meant he cared for Joshy. His mind was taking a second to fully process all of that. He'd been feeling so lonely for so long, always surrounded by people. And now, it felt as if all of that had withered and vanished, as if the loneliness had dissipated. Daddy wanted to take care of Joshy? -------On the weekends, and even more extended periods. He could not help it. Tears started sliding down his cheeks; happy tears.  
The likes of which he had no shed since a cold winter morning under a red-tiled little cottage outside of Rome. When his grandfather had given him a small plastic fire truck for Christmas, "Because if Joshy wants to be a firefighter like his daddy and grandpa, he had to start small." It was a dam. A concrete structure that had started crumbling slowly. Small cracks at first, and now all the feelings came crashing down. Joshy wanted it; He wanted it so much he could not believe it. That missing piece he always felt he'd lost, was still not fully back, but a part of it was starting to show its ragged edges into the light.

Matt panicked for a second, gently cuddling his baby boy, "I'm sorry...sweetie..... I did not want to make you feel bad". He honestly had no idea why he was crying. Was his proposition so bad? Maybe he should not have asked. Joshy could have felt pressured... or overwhelmed. What if he'd hurt him? He... He could not deal with him being the cause of his baby's tears. 

Joshy was sobbing, a stream of warm, happy tears cascading down his cheeks. He did not want daddy to feel bad; he knew he had to tell him those were happy tears. He removed his pacy from his mouth, its absence already aching. "addy," he mumbled softly. He looked up at his daddy. This man who'd wanted to put the effort it'd take to heal Joshy; this man he'd been texting for a year; who'd been almost his only light in a world full of shadows...Daddy was looking down at him, and there was so much concern written on his face. This man who had everything so figured out, so put together, was crumbling down because he thought he'd hurt Joshy. And Joshy knew---just knew. He'd always thought he'd lost his home that day his father had left, and his mother had given up. He'd thought those empty walls, that house was all he had. A home, broken, but his only one. But he'd been wrong. Perhaps home was not in the building or in the place you've been raised. Maybe home was where your heart is. And daddy was home. "I.....I'd..." Joshy mumbled, a little lost for words. They had always been hard for him, and now, they were eluding him even more than usual. But he had to be strong. He wanted daddy to know....that everything he'd done. Everything was healing Johsy so much. "I'd....like that," he mumbled in between hard breaths. The tears were still falling down his cheeks, albeit a little slower now. 

This little boy who'd fought so much, who'd endured so much on his own. This little boy---his little boy, gathering all his strength to tell him that yes, he wanted it. And Matt, the unbreakable, who had previously been the most feared man in a placed filled with terrifying people, broke. The tears falling down. "thank...God," he said between hard breaths. He hugged his baby boy, relief flooding his entire being. Tears mixed with so much laughter. "You scared daddy there.....for a moment" It was happiness what he felt, at being with Joshy, at being able to have this, at being able to sleep at night with no nightmares. Matt felt pure joy.

\------------------------------------

Joshy was heading back to his dorm. He felt oddly weird without the diaper protecting him. He could not believe how fast he'd grown used to them. Even Eddy had left a big hole in his chest. Now, he felt so defenseless without him. Perhaps he should have heeded daddy's advice and taken him back to the dorms? No, that was a bad idea, what if someone found him?

Daddy had been gentle, changing him back into his adult clothes. An endless stream of kisses had fallen upon him; On his tummy, his cheeks, his hair. Joshy had felt so exhilarated. So giddy. He'd felt those garments foreign as if he had not worn them in a very long time. Daddy had cleaned him up and showered him with kisses. And it had been so perfect. Every second of it had been love and care. Not the shallow easy-to-forget kind. But deep and real. Josh had felt that he belonged there. 

Once daddy had finished changing him, when he'd noticed the hardly concealed reluctance in which, Joshy was facing going back to his adult side, he'd picked him up and taken him to the crib, where he'd sat with Joshy on his lap. He'd just held him, rocking him softly, whispering words of courage and reassurance. And even in his big clothes, so close to him having to return to his regular life, Joshy had allowed daddy to rock him; to calm him like only daddy could. Josh smiled as he parked his car in front of his building. The looming concrete structure felt so lonely now, compared to daddy's warm and luminous home. He sighed, and with all the strength he could muster, he got back to his adult life.


	9. CHAPTER 9: FEELINGS AND BOTTLES. ANDREW, AN UNEXPECTED GUEST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTICE
> 
> Hey guys, in this one his best friend finds out. IF THAT TRIGGERS YOU PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS ONE. There's also some violence and a flashback or two about abuse. 
> 
> It's taken me two weeks but I've finally finished them. There are more to come, I hope you like them😊
> 
> As always comments, kudos and suggestions are welcome, (IT'S JUST TO GUIDE ME AS TO IF I'M DOING A GOOD JOB OR IF I SHOULD CHANGE STUFF AND THE LIKE)
> 
> Lots of love,
> 
> Nami Dragneel💖

Chapter 9 Feelings and bottles. Andrew, an unexpected guest

Andrew was leaning against the bar inside the club, his eyes trained upon two figures lewdly dancing on the dance floor. The girl was clinging to the guy, moving sinuously up and down his body. The guy seemingly trying to absorb as much of her as possible. His hands... well, his hands had a mind of their own. And somehow, the whole image made Andrew want to punch someone in the face.

"Man, are you listening to me or what?" He felt someone nudge his shoulder. And Andrew, already moody enough thanks to a certain someone, whirled so fast that nobody could have seen it coming and grabbed the guy's arm ---Kevin's arm---- in a tight hold, twisting it in one swift motion. Kevin shrieked and doubled over, pain written all over his face.

Kevin turned his head back as much as his current position would allow it, and glared at him, the semi-drunken haze clouding his eyes already vanishing, replaced by a not so friendly wrath. "What the fuck is wrong with you!" he spat. A small circle of people was already gathering due to the commotion. "Do... not .....touch.... me!" Andrew snarled, inflicting each word with as much venom as he could muster. He had agreed to come to this damned place for Josh, not for this two-faced, so-called friend, who'd spent the last hour trying to get him with that shallow bitch, just so he could hook up with her friend. He could feel Kevin's body trembling.

Kevin winced, the strength Andrew was embedding on his arm already threatening to break it. "What the hell?!! Let me go, you psyco!! It fucking hurts!!"

Andrew tensed at those words. He had planned to release him after scaring any would be friendly people from getting too close to him tonight, but that word----that particular word infuriated him to no end. He tightened his hold and twisting Kevin's arm a little further whispered, so low that only he could hear him, "Call me that again, and I'll make you swallow your damn tongue. Tough guy," Kevin gulped, the intensity in that threat felt just too real. He knew Andrew would do it too, as crazy as he was. When Andrew was sure he'd been understood, he released him, Kevin half-staggering before he regained his foot.

Andrew turned around, winding his way through the crowd on his way to the exit, the gathered people smartly staying out of his way. Some fresh air ought to clear his mind a little.

As he was exiting the club, he could faintly hear Kevin shouting at him over the music, and Andrew had half a mind of turning back and punching him all the way across the state, but the need to get out of such a crowded place felt stronger right now, so he kept walking.

He had a damn right to be mad now, he'd been waiting for over one hour for Josh to get here, and still, there were no signs of him. Josh had been very elusive this summer, and it was irking Andrew to no end. They were best friends, they've been together since fucking kindergarten. He'd always praised himself for knowing everything about Josh, but now, he did not understand what was happening to him. And that was the culprit of his insufferable moods lately.

Once outside, Andrew leaned against the wall facing the parking lot. The night was hot enough that small beads of sweat were already falling down the sides of his face. He wiped them out with the palm of his hand, a small scar shining under the moonlight. He breathed in the night air, trying to count to ten in his mind. A little trick his mother had taught him to unwind when his nerves got the better of him. So far, it was not working. It never did. Well.... that was not true, was it? It did when Josh was around. Though he suspected it had more to do with Josh being around and less with the counting situation.

Andrew had been repeating this process for the better part of the last hour. Get outside, check the damn phone, see no messages or calls from Josh, smoke a cigarette, and get inside to get another drink. Over and over. No wonder the doorman was looking at him funny. Typically people steered away from Andrew, it was the sensible option, but it seemed today people wanted to get punched. No-----calm down! He inhaled and tried the counting again. He knew he had to put a damper on his temper. He fished for his phone in his pocket to distract himself, though he knew what he would find on the screen. No reply yet. He'd even tried calling him a couple of times but to no avail. What the fuck was taking him so long?

It was supposed to be their summer, and now, midway through it, it was all going to shit. With each delayed plan, with each excuse and unanswered call, a fear, far bigger than anything Andrew had felt before, took root in his heart. He'd tried ignoring it at first. It wouldn't do to feed it; Andrew knew very well it would only break him—more than he already was anyway. Josh had been a little bit more absent this past month, and while Andrew knew it didn't mean he was trying to distance himself from him, he couldn't avoid being afraid. After all, everyone left him for the same reason. Sometimes, when he was alone, he thought of the unavoidable day when Josh would realize what a hassle it is to have some like Andrew as a best friend, and leave. And then Andrew would be truly alone.

Josh was the only one who actually understood him. Who would not just look at him and think there were just too many broken pieces of him to be worth fixing. Heck! It was thanks to him that Andrew had kept on studying and playing soccer. He knew he would have given up by now if it weren't for Josh. He had always had his back. He'd been there even when Andrew himself had thought it was too much. He'd been the one to pull him out of that dark place. It was ridiculous for him to believe that Josh was abandoning him. He knew he had other friends and plans. It was part of growing up, he supposed, that they were growing a little bit more distant. It just felt so....so lonely.

He was about to light another cigarette when he saw the object of his thoughts rounding the corner with fucking Jessica. He looked them up and down from afar before they could spot him. Josh was wearing a simple white t-shirt and faded-blue jeans; As always, it looked utterly effortless; the asshole looked dashing in whatever he threw on. And the bitch was..... well, who cared? He just didn't like the arm she had looped around his. Though to be fair, he'd never liked any arms, or other body parts, for that matter, that were within a casual distance of Josh. It only infuriated him more. He'd been waiting for Josh for over an hour, and of course, he had to be with fucking Jessica.

\-----  
Josh had been waiting for Jessica to get ready for half an hour, he knew he'd get to the club just to find a very enraged Andrew, but what's one got to do? He could not have just left her when he'd promised he was going to walk her. Honestly, he'd much rather be doing something else right now; it was a little sad that he had to wait for the weekend, still two days away. He'd been thinking more and more about his weekends with daddy,---it was still so odd, to think of Matt as his daddy-- and now this whole partying felt-----foreign. It was almost as if he was just doing it because it was expected of him. As if to fill the voids that were left between his weekends. He felt a little bad for lying to his friends. Especially Andrew. He'd been walking a very fine line of deceptions and concealed truths this summer. But he really had no choice. The mere thought of anyone finding out about his little side made him shiver.

He loved how he got to relax at daddy's place; to recharge for the rest of the week, where he was big Josh again. Even though it was becoming harder not to bring some "little" mannerisms into his adult life. It was getting harder to draw the line between little Joshy and Josh. He still blushed remembering how yesterday he'd woken up a little wet. He'd almost bolted towards daddy's house in his haste to have some reassurance. Yet, it had just been a false alarm, undoubtedly too much to drink the night before. It had taken him almost two hours to stop crying before he'd been able to drag himself to the shower. All the while, wishing daddy was there. Today, he'd been woken up by his alarm to find his thumb on his mouth. It had felt so natural that he hadn't even bothered feeling ashamed. The reality was that the differences between his big and little side were fusing together. Lately, he'd been craving more of his little time, and Daddy said it was because he'd repressed himself for so long. It had been a tough journey, but one he was glad he'd started.

"And I told her, no way! She's not gonna score Andrew, that guy's hot but a pshyco. And she's my bestie. Can't let her get fucked like that". Jessica said, half staggering, her words were already slurred from the drinks she had no doubt had while getting ready. Josh sighed and steered her onwards, placing a hand on her back to make sure she wouldn't fall again. "C'mon, don't talk about him that way. You know he's a good guy deep down!" Jessica wasn't even listening, her eyes already trained on----- fuck. "Hey, you! Martha likes you, you know?" Jessica said, her words slurred. Josh rolled his eyes, "Sorry, we're late!" he said by way of greeting. Andrew was looking positively enraged, which was to be expected.

"You're damn right, you are!" Andrew spat, he wanted to be mad but this asshole's face... It always soothed him; it had something to do with those impossibly blue eyes, he was sure. Still, he should not relent, "I've been messaging you like crazy! Do you even know how ......" A fist collided with his jaw, and it was all he could do to keep his balance, his hand flying straight for to his jaw. Pain exploded on his face, his jaw throbbing. Kevin, half-drunk, was trying to get his revenge and was now being pulled back by both his friends. "What the hell, asshole!" Andrew spat, rage simmering form every pore of his body. He tried to contain hismelf,----one second---tried to think of all the reasons he should not, could not------inhale-----tried to see past the rage---exhale---and------ He lunged for Kevin, a fist already raised in pose to strike. Like hell, he'd allow some fucking ass-licking asshole to punch him!

Part of him was glad, at least this way he was sure to blow off some steam. He'd also be getting Josh's complete attention; he always had it when he fought someone. An added bonus.  
\----------------

To say that Kevin was mad would be a massive understatement. The asshole had rouged him up for no reason whatsoever. He'd only intended to tell him that Martha was checking him out non stop again when the bastard had twisted his arm. He hated the guy! Kevin only put up with him because he was Josh's friend. The guy was ferociously overprotective of Andrew. But this time, things had gone too far. He'd had a chance with the girl of his dreams, and this asshole had made a fool of him.

The truth was, he hated Josh and Andrew, one the shadow to the other's light. Everyone raved about how good Josh was at fucking everything. How tall; how handsome; how strong. And Andrew...the bastard, even though people were scared of him, they still raved about him, he was a good athlete, and maybe, had an appealing face. So what? He hated them both.

Mathew and John were trying to hold him back. He knew very well that Andrew was stronger than him, and that even in the unlikely event that he won, Josh would beat him up afterward, but he could not let it go. Not when Sylvia had been watching the whole thing. This one thing he wanted and the asshole had spoiled it.  
\------------

A few things happened at once, Andrew, mad with rage, connected his fist with Kevin's jaw, the latter bearing a somewhat perplexed expression. As if deep in thought. Or maybe he was really drunk? That indeed would have explained how he'd had the guts to punch Andrew in the face. Incredulity was written in every line of his face when that impossibly strong fist connected with his cheek. If Jessica hadn't known any better, she'd think the guy had expected no retaliation from Andrew; Josh, a moment ago by her side, was now running toward the two semi-drunken street fighters. No doubt to stop them before they could hurt themselves or anyone else. A moment ago, Matthew and John had been backing Keving up, they had receded a couple of steps upon seeing Josh. Apparently, bravado only goes so far these days. And then Jessica slumped to the floor, not really caring that her dress was much too short for such endeavor.

She observed the situation from her new-found sitting spot, in the middle of a parking lot illuminated by the club lights. It seemed oddly poetic, three guys fighting under the moonlight on a hot summer night. It appeared that now she'd been forgotten amidst the chaos. Again, Andrew became Josh's priority. It didn't matter how hard she tried, Josh would always go first to Andrew. And once again, she could only sigh and watch.

\-------

Andrew was in his element. His fists, connecting with flesh more often than not. He could hear Kevin shrieking, but he did not want to stop, the rage and the pain and the smell of sweat so familiar to him, he almost sighed in relief. This, he understood. This was easy. No thought required; it was almost as if he moved by instinct. He ducked, easily dodging the drunken attempt of Kevin at hitting him. He was enjoying the fight, damn, it was the best fucking thing that had happened in the whole week. That is until he felt those familiar hands halt him.

\---------------

Josh should have seen it coming. Andrew sober was like an old fashion bomb; you had to light the fuse for it to explode, and so it would be a slow process; Andrew drunk... was more like a high tech bomb, a little more pressure than necessary, and a sensor would snap, sending everything into chaos. He stepped in between the two boys, trying to halt them. Well, mostly trying to stop Andrew, Kevin was more-trying to doge, than fighting anything. "Stop! Andrew, listen to me!" He knew that when Andrew got mad, it took a lot for anyone to reach him. He'd done it before, so many times he couldn't count them, but now----somehow---it felt harder. He did not want this. Josh was so...so tired of this.

He knew what he had to do to stop Andrew, and yet he found himself willing to cry. Daddy would know what to do; he'd probably be able to do it with Joshy in his arms. Not that he would ever allow Joshy in a fight. He'd be so warm there----While he was lost in thought, a fist collided with his face, and the whole world froze.

\---------------

Andrew froze; he'd stopped worrying about the repercussions of a fight when he felt Josh nearby. He knew he'd stop him if he got out of hand. Josh was a better fighter than Andrew had ever been, so he felt like he could give himself to his rage and wait for Josh to stop him and make it all right again. That is until he felt his fist connect with Josh's cheek. That had never happened before, Josh had always been able to dodge any unintentional blows Andrew had thrown at him. How the fuck had this happened?

Josh also halted. As if stunned. And the look on his face... Andrew had never seen it before. He wanted to say, "I'm sorry," and "I didn't mean to" and "forgive me" and "please don't leave me," but it all died before it could form on his mouth. He'd done the thing he'd promised himself he'd never do. Hurt Josh.  
\--------

Josh came back to and pushed Kevin back with ease. He then turned to Andrew. "You both, get Kevin out of here, let him cool down a bit" he barked at Matthew and John, not even looking at them. The two of them almost tripping in their haste to get out of there. Josh's eyes were trained on Andrew the whole time. He could feel the warmth spread where Andrew's fist had connected with his cheek. The pain was somehow stronger than it should have been. He'd received so many blows before. Heck, he'd fought his way out of Andrew's fights so often it should have been second nature at this point. Yet this felt harder than it had ever been. For a second, all he'd wanted was to run, get in his car, go to daddy's house and cry like a little boy who hurt himself.

It was then that the realization hit him. He wanted daddy, and this week seemed longer than it had a right to be, and he did not want to deal with this anymore. He pushed back the tears that threatened to escape, blinking back a few times. Andrew's expression was still shocked. Josh knew Andrew had not meant to hurt him. He knew Andrew had anger issues, and where they came from. He'd been there when they'd started after all. But he could not deal with both their broken pieces right now.

Part of him wanted to reach out to his best friend and comfort him; part of him wanted to reach out to Kevin, and tell him not to mind Andrew, that he was drunk and angry and not at all himself; part of him felt bad for abandoning Jessica again; but another part of him----a more significant, more vulnerable part wanted daddy to come and fix things.

He strode towards Andrew, "I... I'm sorry", Andrew half-whispered, his head slumped, and shoulders sagged. Josh knew what this would look like to Andrew. To someone who'd seen his own father beat his mother up, repeatedly and countless times, Josh's current expression was surely to spark some old memories. That was enough to spark him into action. One more time, just this once more, he told himself. "That...That's alright, Ands", his voice trembled a little as he enveloped his best friend in a hug.

"Didn't....didn't.... mean.. to" Andrew mumbled, now lost in his own grief. He completely leaned into Josh's embrace, trying with all his might to contain his tears. He would not cry. Especially here, he was no pussy. Then Josh started patting his back.

"It's okay! It'll take more than a punch to knock me down", he tried to lighten the mood. He needed to comfort Andrew. He'd always done that. And he would make sure he held his tears as much as he could; it was the least he owed him. He gently released Andrew from the hug, looking at him. "I'm sorry for being late. I really am." Because to Andrew, it would really matter. Andrew looked at him, the anger already gone, a small flicker of something else crossing his eyes, but Josh could not tell what it was. "C'mon, let's get out of here."

Josh led Andrew away by the hand. Jessica still slumped on the floor already forgotten. She sighed again, what a fun night.  
\-----

Andrew had been enjoying himself, and then he'd seen that expression. He'd never seen Josh wear such an expression. He'd tried to pinpoint exactly what it was that expression reminded him of, but failed miserably. He'd never been good at this "feelings bullshit." Then Josh had looked at him in a way------a way that reminded him of times long past; of a woman crouched beside a table, shielding him from the blows a man was directing at him. For a moment, he'd been transported back to that time, and he'd felt the coppery tang of his mother's blood as it dripped down her forehead and onto his lips. The sound of the glass bottle, shattering into thousands of small fragments as it connected with her head. Her shaking body as she was trying to shield him from the worst of it. And that rage he'd felt a moment ago had turned to fear, and then to sadness. He'd felt like crying and punching someone and running away all at once. The rush of so many emotions within him had halted him. And then he'd felt himself being enveloped in Josh's arms. And it had felt as if the air had been punched out of him. It was not a new thing. Josh had always been there when he'd needed him after all. But this hug had been---strange. Not as warm as it usually was. And somehow, Andrew thought that meant something. However, he could not tell what. Not yet.

Josh walked Andrew back to the dorms, a buzzing sound ringing in his ears. He strode more than walked because he was afraid he'd get into headspace if he didn't. None of them spoke another word. They neared the tall white building, glided with balconies on one side, and windows the other. It looked so impossibly cold and sad. Josh clutched Andrew's hand harder. He wanted to be alone, he needed to be alone, even if just for a second, just so he could let go of some of his tears before he exploded.

\-----  
Josh had not uttered a word, and Andrew did not dare break the silence. It hung around them like a brick wall, impenetrable, and it made him feel so far away from him. With them, it had always been easy, there had never been a situation in which Andrew didn't know how to proceed. Not when it came to Josh. It usually was effortless. But now, there were no words he could think of that could h¡get him closer to his best friend. Their joined hands felt like the only tether connecting them, and Andrew was afraid he'd lose him once he unavoidably let go. A million thoughts were crossing his mind: what if this was finally the time? What if Josh said he'd had enough? Andrew kept on blinking, trying with all his might not to let those tears that threatened to break him out. He hadn't felt a need to cry so bad since he was a kid.

They got inside the elevator and to Andrews's floor, where Josh turned to go. Still not saying a word. Andrew made to stop him, he was reaching to grab his hand again when Josh said, "Don't! I'm sorry, Ands. It's not anything you've done. I'm just.... a little out of it today". Andrew understood he'd had those moments one too many times himself. But Josh had never been like this with him, it was usually Andrew who needed some space, some time to gather his thoughts. Andrew halted, his hand still extended towards Josh. It felt so sad that he wanted another hug or reassurance of any kind, but Josh was already walking back. A small crack ran through his already strangled heart.

Josh got to the elevator and down to his room. Once inside, he leaned against the door and hastily fished for his phone in his jean's pocket, Matt's number already on the screen. Josh wanted to call daddy; to tell him to make these ukkie feelings go away. Daddy always had a way to make him feel better, and now he just wanted his pacy and Eddy and to be in addy's arms. He felt so bad for Andrew and Jessica and himself. He looked at the phone, the faint bluish light was the only illumination in the room. It was Wednesday; he still had two days to go for the weekend. He was a big boy, and he could hold on, right? And daddy was a busy man, and what if he interrupted him when he was working? He should wait, every rational part of his brain kept on telling him. But he was so tired of being away from addy and Eddy. And somehow, the room looked impossibly big and empty and scary. And everything was so ...so dark.

A few tears escaped Joshy's eyes, his hands trembling so much that his phone fell to the floor. The faint sound it made as it landed, oddly intensified by his enhanced emotions and the fact that there was no other noise currently disturbing the silence. Joshy felt so alone. He inhaled and exhaled a couple of times, his breath a little ragged, forming half sobs, that were not really sobs because he was supposed to be "big" until the weekend. He just needed to wait two days, and then he'd be back in addy's arms, and Eddy would be silly again with his biased opinion of police cars and how they were better than fire trucks and everything would be alright.

Joshy's tears kept falling down his cheeks, forming small rivers that flowed all the way down to his chin. Shuddering a little, he went toward the bed, not even bothering to undress or pick up his phone. He buried himself in the protection of his blanket and curled himself into a ball, his thumb already finding its place inside his mouth. It was then when the small tears became a waterfall; as Joshy tried to lull himself to sleep.  
\-------

Andrew had seen Josh mad before. He'd seen him fight and defend and laugh and be sad. Yet, as he made his way to his shower, he could not shake the feeling that something was off. There had been something raw and broken in Josh's expression, and he knew it had nothing to do with the fight. He kept thinking about the events of the summer, and how Josh had been really busy every weekend. And suddenly, those recurring thoughts he'd kept locked inside started crossing his mind. And everything he was afraid of started taking shape in front of him. It was then, and only then that Andrew allowed himself one brief moment of weakness. And if the water that fell from his eyes was not from the shower, nobody would ever know.  
\----------------

Andrew woke up, the light streaming from his open window, indicating that it was late enough for him to deem it acceptable to start his day. His eyes felt sticky, and he had a pounding headache, but other than that, he felt okay. Yesterday's events already playing in the back of his mind. He groaned. He needed a coffee, and to talk to Josh and make sure it was alright, that they were alright.

He stood up, half staggering. Once he was sure he was not going to fucking fall, he dressed and checked his reflection. There was a little bit of a bruise where he'd been punched, but it was not as bad as it would get in a few days. His blond hair looked a little crazy, but he did not bother to brush it. He took his pack of smokes and wallet, along with his shades and phone, and strode out of his room.

Once on Josh's floor, he knocked, but nobody answered. It was unlike Josh to sleep in, so he tried the door handle. It was closed. He tried to listen for some noise to indicate Josh was inside, but nothing. Where could he be? -----After a small fight (if that was what had transpired between them yesterday), Josh would usually wait for Andrew. They would talk it out and put it behind them. This was not the usual. As he made his way to the elevator again, he peered through one of the hall windows and saw Josh getting into his car. Andrew dashed for the stairs, almost tripping and falling in his haste to get to his car.

\----------------------------

They were at Josh's parent's house. He and Andrew lay sprawled on his bed with an Xbox controller each on their hands. "Duck! Man, you cannot break through that barrier". Josh ducked, or tried to; his character had gotten stuck through a car instead of going around it. "This bullshit game!" He tossed his controller against the mattress. They lost, and it wasn't even the first time. Josh rubbed his temples; this gaming thing always gave him headaches. Andrew chuckled. "You are really bad at this, you know it, right?"

Josh smacked his arm, "shut it! It's the damn thing that's fucked up. I still don't get how this is more fun than having a football match". Andrew rolled his eyes, Josh, he'd never change. His whole idea of fun was training. Since he did not want to get back to that argument, he decided to switch themes, veering towards something he'd been mulling about for a while now. "How's everything with Andrea? I'm told she's been going around nonstop about how good you are in bed," Andrew sneered. He knew what the answer to his taunting would be, that relationship had been over the moment that girl had opened her mouth.

Josh jabbed his arm again, rolling his eyes, "Shut up!" he chuckled. It was good, but I don't know. I'm not into this "telling the whole school thing." Andrew looked at him, his green eyes still moist from so much laughter, "I told you she was bitch, didn't I?" Josh looked at Andrew sidelong, "You say that of every girl I date. Honestly, sometimes I think you're in love with me, man." He allowed a small pause for effect and then laughed at Andrew's expression.

For a second, Andrew froze-----just froze. A door he'd kept closed inside himself threatening to open, flooding him with truths he'd been cautious not to lead into the light. A faint warmth rose on his cheeks. "Well, they are!" he stuttered. He was getting a little too nervous.

Andrew had always known Josh. Ever since they were kids, Josh had been the only fixture in his life. The thing he knew was never going to change. It had always been Josh and him, so when college had loomed around the corner, it had surprised no one that they had chosen to stick together.

Andrew did not know precisely when it had happened. It could have been a gradual thing. Something that had sputtered to life slowly and had been kindling gently, silently, until it had set him ablaze. For all he knew, it could have been a flash, a quick strike that had knocked him over, with no chance for him to dodge. He just knew he did. He'd realized it when, one of the many times they'd been in the showers after practice, he could not stop looking at his body. Small glances, fast ones, lest he'd find out.

Andrew did feel something towards Josh. It wasn't only about his body, though there were no complaints in that department. It was in the way Josh carried himself, secure and trustworthy. In the way, he always put other's needs before his. And those eyes. Andrew did not know how many times he'd lost himself staring into those ocean eyes. He could probably paint them at this point. The way the light reflected on them and made them look impossibly vibrant. Or how they would get moist when he laughed at one of his "terrible" jokes. Those sinuous lips that had a knack for curling into a smirk, always a little too dry in the wintertime. Oh.... how many times he'd wished he could get them moist himself.

He'd had to watch woman after woman parade around on his arms, all those shallow bitches only loved the image of him. What he represented. How many times he'd had to listen in on Josh talk about them and how little they understood him? In the meantime, Andrew did not feel this way towards other guys, he was attracted to them, yes, but not in the same way, and girls just were not his thing. But he'd known Josh was straight, and he was okay with it, so long he could stay by his side, as his best friend. Andrew liked Josh with every fiber of his being. And if he told him, knowing Josh, he'd try not to make things awkward, but they would unavoidably get there. He knew it, and just the thought... it was enough to make him want to vomit.

No, he had enough being the closest to him. He'd endured the taunting from friends before, saying that "they were always stuck at the hip" and other bullshit. He did not give a damn. Not if Josh remained by his side. Andrew was even starting to embrace the idea of going on dates. Who knew? Perhaps he'd find someone, and these feelings would dissipate, like mist after the rain season. But every damn time he tried... every time the odious comparisons kept on pestering him. He compered everyone he intended to view romantically with Josh. And unavoidably, they always lost. But he'd get better at it, or that's what he told himself.

At least his worst nightmares hadn't come true. He loathed thinking of the day Josh would find "THE ONE." Even if he knew he had no chance to begin with, that small flicker of hope, that perhaps one day, he might miraculously realize that he loved Andrew all along, refused to disappear. Then they would walk into the blasted sunset, holding hands----- Andrew chuckled at the silly idea.

All that had kept him tethered, rooted, centered, had been the fact that they were friends. And that most likely they'd always be. He was supposed to know Josh better than anyone; they did not keep secrets. Or so he'd thought. This summer though, he'd been disappearing every weekend, with no explanation, not even an excuse. And now he was going to vanish again during the week? Andrew did not know where he went. Just that he never returned to the dorms. At least not for a couple of days. And he needed to see. He had half-jokingly asked him, only to get elusive answers. And after he'd promised they would spend the best summer of their lives. Andrew had been so looking forward to it. They had been talking about a road trip so long. They had worked their asses off on part-time jobs for years, all for this. And now he'd not only canceled it without much reason, but he was sneaking off, to who knows where and wouldn't even tell him about it. To say that Andrew was furious would be an understatement.

He was mulling over all this as he drove, a safe distance away, trailing behind Josh's car. They had not left New york. No surprise there; after all, he never stayed out for more than a weekend. The neighborhood they were in now looked very posh, with high-fenced houses that looked much too big for anyone's needs. He had no damn idea what the hell Josh could be doing here. He gripped the steering wheel tighter; Maybe he had a sugar mommy? No, that could not be it, Josh was the damn personification of morality, there's no way he'd stoop so low. Andrew chuckled at his crazy thoughts. Paranoid much?

He saw Josh stop in front of a house. It was a pretentious four-story house set in a very modern fashion. What the hell was he doing here? After a couple of minutes, he saw the automatic doors swing wide open, and Josh's car disappeared behind them. Andrew swore -----Just swore. Great, now he knew where Josh went. Fat load of help it was. He still did not have the slightest idea of what the hell was happening. He killed the engine and leaned over the steering wheel, letting out a deep sigh. Maybe it was a friend of his? Or the house of a girl he was dating? But if it was, why wouldn't he tell him? It surely had to be something important, or else he wouldn't have suddenly canceled their trip. He'd never stand him up without a good reason. And to just leave after a fight with him, that had never happened before. What if it really was a girl. He knew Josh would never bother being secretive about something he didn't care about. So what if this girl was important? No..no..no, he was doing it again. Letting his thought run rampant had never benefited him before. He sighed. For now, he'd wait, see if he saw someone get in or out. Perhaps that way, he'd find out who the blasted house belonged to.

\----------------------  
A few hours went by. The sun had descended over the landscape, painting the sky in orange and yellow hues that meshed together to create a stunning scene. The yellowish glow of the lamp lights that lined both sides of the street—mixed with the faint illumination that seeped out of some of the houses----were coloring the image with a certain flair of nostalgia. Andrew was utterly bored. He'd been here for hours, and nothing had happened yet. He was sure he looked like a creepy stalker from a crime movie. But other than that-----nothing. He'd sent a text to Josh. Asking what he was up to and if he was down to talk about what had happened yesterday. Very casual and innocent. Just to see what excuse he'd come up with for not being available. But so far, there had been no response, which was currently irritating Andrew to no end. He could at least have the damn decency to answer his texts!

Bros before hoes.. yeah, right! Bullshit. A full load of bullshit.

Andrew grabbed another beer from the back seat; it was his fourth already. Not a high number, considering the current circumstances. He could start feeling the effects of the alcohol working on him. He was not drunk, just------ tipsy; he could hold his liquor alright. The lights of his dashboard flickered. This retched car! He ought to have that wire fixed soon. He got out of the car, slamming the door shut, lest he'd punch the damn thing until it broke----again. Perhaps some air would help him calm down.

He scanned his surroundings. The place was deserted; he'd hardly seen people walking outside. Granted, it was summer, and these houses looked from people wealthy enough to go on vacations, so perhaps that was the reason? He looked back towards the house where Josh had entered. It looked beautiful enough, he supposed. It had to be, for Josh to have chosen it over him.

A spark of an idea crossed his mind and took hold: The street was deserted, and he'd come all this way, hadn't he? The least he owed himself was a small peek over the wall. He strode towards it; the high white walls looked smooth but easy enough to climb for someone as athletic as him. He looked up, mmm....., perhaps with a little leverage... He crouched and placed his half-finished can of beer on the floor. He then proceeded to walk to the center of the street, readied himself, and dashed towards the wall. Once he was close enough, he jumped, placing his foot on the wall's hard surface to launch himself upwards, using the momentum to find purchase with his hands on top of the wall. Slowly, painstakingly, he hoisted himself up. His arms, aching with the effort of supporting his whole weight, were trembling. He was crouched atop the wall now, overlooking what looked to be a vast garden. There was a huge pool surrounded by limestone, and a rocky waterfall bedecked in what appeared to be crystals reigned over the whole thing. A red and violet gleam emerged from beneath, in a way that, when combined with the soft pink pool lights, looked as if out of a fairy tale. Jeez, the sheer size of that pool...He supposed it was tastefully arranged if one liked big, unnecessarily pompous things, that were to be preferred over one's best friend. The whole space was flanked by intricately carved Arabian oil lamps arranged at intervals, in a way that made it look as if they were floating in midair. On the other side, what appeared to be a wooden structure stood flanked by two marble sculptures, faintly illuminated in soft lights from below, though he could not make out what they represented from his spot. He carefully took in his surroundings, gingerly balancing himself upright with his hands. He did a swipe through the place until his eyes focused on....on. Oh my God! was that? No...no...no, it couldn't----but-----but it was. He froze---just froze, his jaw suddenly deciding to detach itself from the rest of his face.

Of course, it was, he'd recognize him anywhere. He froze for a second, almost toppling over from the shock. He clutched harder the cold stone wall, his knuckles going white from the effort. He did not understand what he was seeing; a faint warmth was coating both his cheeks. When one cannot comprehend a situation, his grandfather had always told him, is often best to step back for a second and focus on everything separately; see the bigger picture. So he tried to do just that.

From his perspective, one could see what appeared to be a living-room. Its windows fully opened to allow the summer breeze in. He supposed that there was not much reason for concern when it came to privacy. Not with the high walls that surrounded the property. That is unless someone decides to not give a damn about the law, and climb it. Fact number one: Josh was sitting on a "u" shape couch. All normal there. A handsome guy was also in the room. Also okay, something he could totally explain. I mean, buddies, right? What veered a little more from the ordinary was the fact number three, Josh was currently sitting on that guy's lap, facing forward. He supposed he might have been looking at a tv or something; he couldn't make it out from his position. Andrew could have somewhat explained all of this, just tagging it under the vast umbrella of friendship, a dare, even a fucking governmental experiment.----- Damn, at this point, he'd settle for alien theories. Because what was in front of him, the thing that had shocked him to his very core, and then some, was the fact that Josh Adams, his long time crush, alpha masculine jock, and captain of the football team, was wearing a diaper. But not only that, there was a damn pacifier on his mouth and even socks to match.

Andrew's mind was reeling with about a million thoughts a second. Who the fuck was that man? What was he doing? Had Josh somehow been forced into this? Why was he wearing a diaper? How could he look cute like that? Was it fair? Thoughts were crossing his mind just to dissipate and reappear again. Andrew gawked at the image in front of him. Josh was smiling behind that big pacifier, and that man had a hand enveloping him, carefully resting on his thigh, while the other kept on patting his hair. Josh never allowed anyone to touch his hair. Or did he? He did not know. Why the hell was he even assuming that Josh never allowed people to touch his hair when-----NO, he was getting off track. It was clear that Josh looked happy and content. In fact, Andrew had never seen him so...so...happy. He couldn't have been forced, that was for sure. There was also the little fact that Andrew had seen Josh break a guy's leg once with one blow. The guy was strong as heck; he'd never be overpowered like that.

Andrew's feelings were in disarray, his memory carefully recalling small snippets of information, simple details he had obviated.

Third grade, Josh had stayed over when his parents had traveled to Italy for his mother's birthday. His little sister, Sandra, had given him one of her plushies, the annoying brat had been utterly infatuated with Josh ever since she'd met him. He'd laughed and held onto the thing for the whole night. Andrew hadn't given it much thought. He had just thought he'd done it to indulge her; He had even found it secretly cute when he had awoken to find Josh clutching the thing; he'd looked so peaceful. He'd taunted him for a whole week afterward;

The memory shifted:

Freshman year, Andrew had eagerly unpacked his stuff, throwing everything in whatever place he could find in his room, and dashed for Josh's room, eager to explore every pub they could find in a hundred-mile radius. Only to find him blankly staring inside one of his boxes, a small bear figurine clutched in his hand—a present from his late aunt Samantha that he'd treasured for years. There had been some redness on his eyes, but Josh had shrugged it off when he'd commented on it. And Andrew had not wanted to inquire any further. He'd known where the lines between them were drawn.

Now, Josh was clutching a teddy bear on his hand. How could he have been so blind? He, who claimed to love him so ferociously, had not even bothered to understand Josh.

Heck, he did not fully understand this situation, he did not know if he could, but----he could not help but remember how in the past years, that beautiful gleam in those ocean eyes had been dimming. At first, it had been almost imperceptible, a small boat sailing towards the ocean, a speck against the horizon. Then it had been his smiles. And those beautiful dimples----how long had it been since he'd seen them last? Then it had been his character. Josh had steadily been acting grumpier. He snapped faster. And the party nights, scarce at first, had turned into the fixture of his daily life. That's when the girls had started flowing, changing as swiftly as the seasons. So much so, that Andrew had stopped bothering to learn their names.

He couldn't have known, he still did not understand, not entirely. This was so foreign. But he felt, deep inside him, that he'd failed his best friend. Those smiles he'd been craving to see for so long, were now etched on his lips. And in such a natural way-----Andrew's heart surged, and lept, and fell, just to crack around the edges. He felt as if something had taken the air out of him. His shoulders sagged. He longed to be the one who made him smile, and yet, a man, a stranger at that, was accomplishing something he had not been able to. He did not know what to think. But he did know one thing. He needed to know, and he needed to know desperately. He wanted to understand. He wanted to try to reach through this vast chasm that now kept them apart, and make sure they were together again.

Andrew kept watching the scene long into the night. Even after that man placed a very tired looking Josh on his lap and fed him a bottle. Even after he'd picked him up, with no apparent strain, and carefully carried him somewhere else. Even when the garden windows had been closed, and the curtains had been drawn; When the indoor and outdoor lights had dimmed, and the house had been put to sleep.

He'd remained there, perched on that wall until his legs had given up from the effort of crouching for so long. Until his eyes, weary and tired from a long day, had started to drop, and his hands had begun to hurt. It was only then that he'd jumped down, half staggering, and got in his car. He'd moved as if in a trance, the shock of what he'd just seen carving a hole in his heart.

Another crack started to fracture his already strained heart.


	10. CHAPTER 10: HOME, SWEET HOME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for the long wait. It's been a hectic week. Here's the next chapter. I'm gonna keep on trying to update once a week, but sometimes it may take two. I'm planning on finishing the whole story by mid or end of August, so we still have some way to go.
> 
> With this, I wanted to make something that made people see that abdl has many sides, and sometimes it can be a very effective healing mechanism. Again thanks to everyone who's read this story and as always comments and suggestions are welcome.
> 
> Pd: next chapter is gonna be a tough one, lots of feels, and a though conversation, but there will also be a lot of fluff because I'm a sucker for fluff.
> 
> Lots of love,
> 
> Nami Dragneel💖

CHAPTER 10: HOME, SWEET HOME.

_Oshy was in a dark clearing, his diaper already soaked. Eddy was by his side, and so was fluffy, but he could not find Addy. He wanted to go explore and play, but he had to wait for daddy first; maybe Addy was hidden, and he was meant to find him. Sometimes Addy liked to play hide and seek with Oshy. But Oshy was much too small to walk, and crawling on grass was ukie. The looming trees surrounding the clearing looked menacing, and it seemed as if the shadows between them were staring at him, whispering things. Oshy clutched Eddy harder, not because he was afraid, it was because Eddy needed to feel safe. "Addy," he mumbled, his voice carried away by the impossible distance that separated him from the trees. No answer came back, and Oshy felt big fat tears start to pool on his eyes. Addy always told him that if he got lost, he had to wait, and Addy would find him. But he's nowhere to be found, and Oshy wants cuddles, and he doesn't know where his pacy is, and his diaper feels icky. Eddy is trying to cuddle with him, but Oshy knows that Addy's cuddles are always warmer, and so he craves them._

_Then someone starts walking out of the woods towards him. A big man, like Addy, but not Addy. Oshy knows because Addy is Addy, and he is not this man. This man is scary, and Oshy doesn't know if he should stay put or cry. "Hello, little one," the man crouches and pats Joshy's hair. "Are you waiting for your daddy?" he coos. Oshy is scared, but he hears "addy," and some hope ignites in his heart. He looks up at the scary, big "addy person that is not addy" and nods shyly. All the while, Eddy buried within the safety of his arms._

_The man hugs Joshy, scooping him up as he stands. Joshy is surprised to find a daddy as strong as his, but somehow this whole thing feels wrong, almost foreign. Real Addy's arms feel warmer. This one's feel cold and strange. Oshy still hangs on to this "fake Addy's" neck, Eddy clutched on his hand, dangling against this addy person's back. Fluffy has already been discarded on the grass. Oshy feels bad about him, but he can only take one, and Eddy gets scared easier. Fluffy is brave. "Let's go see if we find your daddy, little boy."_

_Oshy nods, he is confused and scared and sad, and he just wants Addy. And if this "addy person" helps him find him, he is glad. Addy shouldn't wander around by himself, he needs Oshy. Oshy in daddy's arms is always better. Silly Addy!_

_The man takes him toward the woods, and suddenly, the trees part and Oshy can see images. He sees a blond boy with a scar on his hand and a dark-haired one being mean to one another. "Ahhh. This is Joshy's fault. Look up, little boy. They fight because this little tiger was not strong enough to stop them". Oshy almost recognizes the two big boys. They are familiar to him, but he can't really tell. The blond boy looks comfortable as if his arms would hold Oshy well enough; Oshy knows about these things, he is an expert cuddler. Addy said so, and so had Eddy. He wants to make grabby hands for him, but he doesn't want to let go of his hold on this "addy person." What if he leaves, and Oshy is left alone again?_

_The boy is blond and not Addy, though Oshy thinks he's seen him before. A flicker of recognition finally settles, and it is not so much his face he recognizes but that impossible wrath, that concealed hurt disguised as strength that has always been his best friend's coping mechanism.....Andrew, and...Kevin. Oshy---Oshy didn't mean to---small tears start to fall down his face again, and Oshy wants Addy and not this fake "addy person." He tries to wriggle away, but he's holding him in a tight grip. Oshy feels really scared now, and a wet feeling starts to coat his diaper again, "shhh! It's okay. You are alright. Your daddy has another little now, one that is actually small. You'll stay with me and..._

....Josh jolted awake, sweat beading down his body and clinging to the sheets. He felt almost too moist, as if-----he looked down and saw a big wet patch on his pants and mattress. He'd peed on the dream and----Joshy froze for a moment, his breath turning ragged, the tears pooling on his eyes finally falling down his cheeks. He'd been in a clearing, all alone, and he'd missed daddy so much. And suddenly, all the feelings he'd been repressing for a whole week had come crashing down on him. He'd been hanging on a thread, trying to act big when all he wanted was to be little. He just wanted to feel comfortable and safe in daddy's arms, and he didn't care what day of the week it was.

His whole body shook, he felt so small he barely recognized himself. And suddenly, those tears became a waterfall. He tried to stand up, his barely concealed sobs halting when his legs shook and he fell back on the bed. Joshy had been trying so hard to be everything everyone needed. To be everything he thought he needed to be. It had been piling up like the grains of a sandcastle built by the shore. From afar, it had looked sturdy enough, but once the sweet sorrow of the gentle waves kissed its walls, it had crumbled down. No more than a mere memory of what it had been. And Josh did not know how to build it again. He tried standing up again, his legs shaking a little. He worked on his deep breathing for a while, and when he managed to get in a couple of breaths without feeling like the whole world was crumbling, he made his way to his closet. He changed into clean clothes, discarding the wet ones on a heap on the floor.

Then, Joshy seized his wallet and keys from the nightstand and went towards the door. As he was about to leave, he spotted himself in the mirror and gasped. His eyes were sticky from so much crying, a little red on the edges, and there was the faint beginning of a bruise blooming on his cheek. He looked so disheveled and tried, his looks so at odds with how he usually looked. Nowhere was the strong alfa male he'd been pretending to be for so long. He looked like a little child in need of comfort. He wiped away the tears that were half-dried on his cheeks, rubbing the sleeve of his shirt all over his face. When he looked at it, he could not help but see traces of snot clinging to the soft fabric, and part of him wanted to feel shame and rage at being so impossibly childish when he had no right to it. But another part, a bigger one, kept on remembering the warmth of daddy's arms. How he'd gently rub the small of his back every time he though Joshy needed reassurance. A half sob came out of him, and it was so strangled and raw that he jumped a little. He tried calming himself down, and with as much courage as he could muster, Joshy got out of his room. He dashed through the building, trying to repress his tears as he made his way to his car, thankfully, without being seen by anyone.

Once inside his car, everything felt more real. He was actually going to daddy's place, and the realization of it made his whole body shake, both from anticipation and fear. The tears he'd been keeping at bay through the impossibly long way down from his room, threatening to wreck him. He wanted to reach for his phone and call daddy. To hear his voice telling him it was all going to be okay. Daddy's rough voice, which somehow took a gentler cadence just for Joshy, never failed to soothe him. Shame, be damned! But when he felt in his pockets, the phone was not there. It took a second, but finally, the realization dawned on him----Of course, it had fallen down from his hands yesterday while he was trying to calm himself down in his room. He'd been trying to unwind while having daddy's number on speed dial just in case, so it was probably still lying somewhere on the floor. He had half a mind of going back to retrieve it, if only because he knew it was the responsible thing to do. But he wanted to leave now! And somehow his need to escape from all this pain and sorrow was stronger than his sense of responsibility. He started the car and began the drive to daddy's home.

While he drove, the images of his dream kept on tucking at the edges of his mind, and he did not know if he could keep them at bay for too long. Suddenly daddy's voice became more of a necessity; it would surely drown them out. He stepped on the gas, the car lurching forward with a renewed vigor, jolting him back against his seat. Yesterday, he'd wanted to be stronger for Andrew, he'd wanted to have handled the situation differently. Better. As he would usually have. But something inside of him had been so---- so tired. He'd felt as if he'd been wandering for so long he'd lost his way. And even though it was a very familiar way, he had not had the strength to pursue it. He'd been so empty---- He'd wanted to run, stay, help and cry at the same time, and the blend of his own feelings had made him hesitate long enough to find himself in the way of one of Andrew's blows. And Gosh! The sheer strength of it, he'd never consider how strong his best friend actually was. He'd never had to. And it had been only because he'd seen that broken expression on Andrew's face, that he'd been able to gather those small glimmers of strength he'd had left and pull them both out of there.

Andrew's expression had been so raw--- so---- broken. A small part of him felt broken too at leaving his friend like that. Andrew had meant to apologize and Josh.....Josh... He just hadn't been strong enough. He knew he had to talk to Andrew, Josh had never behaved as he had yesterday, but it was too much. And he knew that if he so much as tried to in his current state, it would only lead to more pain. No----he'd talk to Andrew in a few days when daddy had soothed him, and then everything would be okay again. At least, he had to belive it so. And if it wasn't------ His hands trembled a little on the steering wheel----those familiar tears threatening to come back. He did not want to think of any other possibilities. Not now, possibly not ever. He was broken, but no so much that he would abandon him. Not Andrew.

He'd tried to lull himself to sleep in between his half sobs, and when he'd finally achieved it, that horrible nightmare had begun. One of his biggest fears playing out in such vivid detail, he'd almost felt the moist texture of the grass he'd been sitting on. And the thought alone of not being able to protect those he loved, as he had not been able to protect his own family from their own mistakes, made his heart ache.

And now, after having woken up soaked and sad, and crying, he just wanted daddy. And he wanted him with a ferociousness that scared him. This past month, he had been digging so deep into his headspace, that even his adult side had trouble processing emotions normally. Everything felt enhanced; he felt more vulnerable, as if by having allowed someone to fully take care of him, he'd divested himself of a layer of protection he'd been so used to wearing. He did not know what to think anymore; he did not want to consider it. He just knew daddy would make it all better.

He sighed in relief once he reached the familiar white walls that surrounded the house. He leaned out of the window and reached toward intercom, its familiar buzzing sound as he pressed it, already lifting some of the anxiety. Part of him was afraid daddy would get mad, he had not informed him that he was coming after all. What if he wasn't even home? Or if he thought Joshy had to have some self restrain and wait for the weekend? What if he thought it irresponsible and annoying? Panic started to seize him again, his breath becoming ragged, and his hands sweaty.

The intercom screen lit up, and Joshy almost sighed in relief when he saw daddy's face. Part of him wanted to laugh at his expression, he looked so funny going from serious to shocked in a second. Then, the doors swung wide open, snapping him from his panic, and Joshy, still shaking a little, drove right in.

Home at last.

\----------------

Matt groned for the tenth time that morning, clutching harder his second glass of gin of the day, its contents barely making it past the rim before they collapsed back down. A small tsunami of rage takin place inside the tumbler. This cunning bastard was doing it again, and after he'd been preparing this case for so long, "No! You listen to me! If he does not testify, it's all for nothing. The money laundry, the fake investors, everything," he snapped. His patience running thin after one hour arguing. "We've agreed to it, Matthew. It is done. The case could not advance any...." Matt roared at the computer screen, where the face of his boss was scrunched in irritation. He was the best lawyer they had, and both knew it, so he did not bother with fake politeness. He was not going to back down, not again, not when it came to this. "Listen to me! If he gets so much as a clue that we have something on him..... we're all fucked, but if he doesn't, we can win. Then we'll smuggle the guy out. Witness protection program is there for a reason," Matt added, irritation corded in each word. "I've lived with him, I know how he is. He won't hesitate, he's prideful, he'll keep assuming we don't have anything on him. If we strike now, we'll win! If we don't, he will bring us all down just to get to me. And you know it. You got me into this for this very reason. Let me talk to the guy again, he'll testify for sure." He added hastily.

The man on the screen was about to say something when the intercom echoed throughout the house. "Hold on. There's someone at the door." "Matthew..." his boss started, the exasperation palpable on his voice. "Let's reconvene on Monday; I wanna discuss this in person." Matt hastily added before he could finish the sentence.The old man on the screen looked bone-tired and wary, but nodded nonetheless, rubbing the exhaustion out of his face with his hand "fine Matthew, but no later. This needs to happen sooner or later. Do not let your feelings cloud your judgment". With that, the screen died down, and Matt slammed the glass of gin against the mahogany desk. Hundreds of glass pieces exploding with the force of it, raining on the room in a crystal shower, the light streaming from the windows catching on them, creating a momentary rainbow, the peaceful image so at odds with the whirlwind he was feeling. The room was now coated in the musky-sweet tang of alcohol, and not for the first time that week.

Matt rubbed his temples, a familiar headache already blooming. He hated this situation, Robert was going to get away with it, he knew it. And he was going to be left powerless again. He got into law to get him to pay, and where was that getting him? fucking nowhere! He had to find a way to convince the man to testify. But how? what could possibly have scared him so bad?---- He strode towards the front door, not even bothering to clean up the mess his hardly-leashed anger had caused. When he turned the intercom screen on, for a moment, he thought he was dreaming.

He'd been craving a hug from his baby boy for days. This insufferable week and it's insanely impossible cases were nearly driving him mad. And now, he was staring at him outside the outer fence, looking a little weary at the camera. Relief, that sweet feeling almost shook him to his core. His boy was here, and he'd needed him so much, and.... he focused on the expression on Joshy's face. His features were scrunched up, he seemed bothered by something. Had something happened to his baby boy? He hastily opened the doors, a million thoughts running through his mind. If Joshy was here, something had to have occurred. It was Thursday now, and he had not received any messages or calls saying he needed daddy. Matt dashed to the garage, opening the big metal doors just in time to embrace a very distressed little boy who threw himself at him.

His little boy was back, and he felt so warm. Matt sighed, the other side of his heart was home. He'd been enjoying over a month of his time with him, but it never got old. He was so beautiful and----There had been some bluish hue when he'd looked at his face---- Matt pried Joshy away from his shoulder long enough to examine it, and in fact, there was a faint bluish shade under his jaw. He knew that in a couple of days, it would look worse. For a moment, the world whirled, and a familiar cold calm settled over him, draping every little bit of his self-restraint in a thin mantle, so tight that it could snap with the gentlest of tugs.

And it was rage------pure undiluted and all-encompassing rage what flowed through his body at the thought of someone having hurt his boy. His arms shaking from the force of it. His baby boy was looking a little wide-eyed....someone had hurt him, and-----someone had marred that beautiful face...there was some redness on his eyes and that pouting lip.......A buzzing sound rang in his ears, drowning any connection to the world in a whirlwind of chaos. Memories of another time, another place flooded his mind: A boy stained face and haggard, crouching behind a worn-down bed in a cold stone building, his bare feet worn bloody raw from running shoeless. A woman lurking, advancing towards him with a stick raised over her head, ready to strike. Matt, hidden inside the small closet that stood at the end of the room, had seen her coming, he’d seen Michael running away from her and yet, he'd been too young to----------- Matt came to, hearing his boy whimper softly.

That was enough to prompt him into action. He hugged Joshy again, pulling him as close as he could "'I'm sorry, sweetie... Daddy was just shocked". He must have sacred his little boy. He could only imagine how he must have looked to a little boy. Those memories-----No, he would not go back to those memories. He'd spent nearly fifteen years running from them. The rage was still there, but it now battled with the overbearing need to protect his baby. And that took first place on his list right now.

Joshy trembled a little. Daddy was looking at him with such a scary expression. Maybe he'd been wrong coming here? He knew he should have waited...but...but.. he'd needed.......his lip bobbed and then he felt himself being enveloped by daddy's arms again. The familiar warmth that always followed daddy's hugs already enveloping him. A solid rock, a piece of safe land amidst the waves. And Joshy sighed, trying to stop the tears that threatened to wreck him. Somehow he was scared that if he started to cry again, he'd never stop. He'd been repressing way too many things for way too long.

Matt swiftly rearranged his baby on his hip, going straight for the kitchen, where he sat down with his boy on his lap. He kept on drawing sweet circles on his back, trying to soothe him as much as possible. Gently, he pried his baby's arms from the tight hold he had on his neck, nudging his face upwards to take a better look at him. It was clear that there had been a fight of some sort, the bluish half-shadow on his face was apparent enough. Matt had seen countless bruises in his day, he'd inflicted numerous injuries on people after all. But never before had a bruise looked so horrifying to him. His baby's beautiful face had been marred by someone, and he wanted to know who the asshole had been and pay them a visit. Suddenly all his previous worries about Robert evaporated, no more than long-forgotten thoughts carried away by the wind.

Joshy felt daddy inspect every inch of his face, he did not know what he could be searching for. He'd looked so shocked before, and now, he looked like a man that wanted to punch someone. Funnily enough, it reminded him of Andrew. He'd never seen daddy look so mad before. When he'd gotten mad at him, it had been different, not quite so...so savage. Joshy felt so childish for having just decided to come on his own, regardless of the day. He did not know what was happening to him, it had felt unbearable this morning to spend another second away, but now that he was here, seeing daddy's expression clouded by rage, Joshy felt like a hindrance. He'd failed yesterday to his best friend, and now he was failing daddy, and all because he could not control his stupid feelings. He could feel the tears start to pool on his eyes, and suddenly, it took all his self-control not to start wailing like a baby. He just wanted.....wanted.......

"I'm.....sorrry...addy" he mumbled, looking down at his hands. He clearly had intruded, that's why daddy was mad. Perhaps he was just being selfish, not caring that daddy had things to do. It was odd, how even with daddy being angry, he still felt better here than he'd felt all alone in his room. "I....." his voice took a familiar childish tone by instinct, the words already dissipating from his mind "I, sowwy.....I.." Joshy tried to tell daddy why he had come, but the words were evading him. The tears that he'd been keeping at bay, sliding down his cheeks, creating silvery rivers that cascaded down his face.

"Why would you be sorry, sweetie? Mat urged, a little taken aback. He gently wiped those tears away with his hand. His baby had done absolutely nothing wrong, he'd looked so tired and sad. He wanted to cuddle and pamper him until those sweet smiles returned. He had gotten so fixated on that bruise that---realization dawned on him, he was probably still sacring him. "No..No, sweetie....look at daddy," Matt prompted Joshy's chin upward "daddy was just worried because there's a big owie on your face." He started gently bouncing him on his knee, distracting him a little, the familiar rhythm already appeasing his boy. "It's just....seeing you get hurt is really hard for daddy." Joshy was now looking at daddy, as if not fully believing the words he'd just heard.

"Addy..... not mad... I here?" Joshy mumbled in between sobs. Matt enveloped him in his arms, trying to ease those worries. "No, sweetie. This is your house. You can come whenever you like. You know daddy loves having his little tiger home". He pressed his baby boy closer to him, driving the message home. "I will never be mad because you come to me, sweetie. I would get mad if you need me and don't come. Because to me, knowing that you will reach out when you need me, makes me feel at ease. I want you to rely on me whenever you need me."

And it was only one word that could describe that feeling: love. That was what Joshy was feeling. Because it did not matter if he had one wreckage of a home, or if his family was broken. This was home, him on daddy's arms. Those words-----those words meant something to him: home, his home. A place where he truly had nothing to fear, a place where he could let go and feel safe. Joshy threw his arms around daddy's neck and sighed, fully taking in his daddy's scent. His body, releasing all the tension it had been building up the last couple of days. "I..... I.... thank you, Addy."

Matt embraced his baby boy, smiling when he felt his boy return the embrace. He was surprised that his boy had been feeling wary of coming home, he'd thought Joshy knew that this was his home. He'd wanted him to know that at least. It wouldn't have mattered to Matt if it had been the middle of the night, Christmas, or a working day; if his baby boy needed him, he'd be there. He patted his baby's hair, relishing in the softness of it. "It's alright, baby boy. Let it all out. Daddy's holding you close and safe now". And that did it. And it was a well, a torrent of salty water cascading down his cheeks. He had not heard those words in a long time.... words he had not thought he'd hear again, not since his grandpa died..... He sobbed, clutching daddy's back with all his might. "I......I...." Joshy tried to speak, but the words were swallowed by his sobs. He finally managed to mumble "I.....missed....you....adddy. I......wuve you". Those last words, he knew daddy knew. Because from the very first moment he'd met Matt; from the very first time he'd texted him, he'd felt that somehow, he could trust him. It had been hard to let down those adamantium walls that he'd been steadily building up about himself ever since his father left. But somehow, Matt had been able to carve a hole into them, through which he'd been dismantling it, brick by brick. Love, and sometimes it doesn't have to be the romantic type, or even the kind that blooms within a blood relation, but the feeling of understanding and companionship. Because a family can also be the one you form with those who accept you just as you are. And it might not have been perfect or easy, but it was comforting and healing nonetheless.

Matt held him and kept on rocking him, his eyes now also a little moist. It had been so long since he'd dreamt of finding his own family. He'd had questions for them, broken and half-formed questions, but questions nonetheless. He'd wanted to know why and if it had been worth it. Had they even thought twice about giving him up?---And now, his little tiger had uttered those words. His heart, which had been slowly mending from its wreckage, finished etching itself together. ----His baby boy!--- He pressed him harder against himself, trying to envelop all that was Joshy with his love. The fears and insecurities, the memories and pain, all of it, his whole body shaking with joy. This was family, the one he was constructing with Josh. And he'd fight for it because this----this was worth it. "I've missed you too, little tiger." Joshy chuckled at that and asked: "why......why ... tiger?"Matt roared with laughter, "Because you are cute and ferocious and ....arghhh," he tried to emulate a tiger, which made Joshy laugh even harder. "Daaddy," he howled with laughter, the sadness was almost forgotten behind this bright sun that daddy was.

"That's my baby's beautiful smile," He crooned, smiling himself. He stood up, walking towards the living room and making for the couch, it's soft cushions, a far more comfortable option that those design kitchen chairs. He arranged his baby on his lap and allowed him to settle on his favorite spot. Josh almost immediately leaned against his chest, propping his head on matt's shoulder and letting out a huge exhale. "Addy warm." Matt chuckled, rubbing sweet circles on his thigh. He waited for what seemed to be an eternity for his baby to relax and asked, "Sweetie?" Joshy had closed his eyes, exhaustion apparent on his face. He must not have slept well. "Mm...mmmh," he mumbled. "What happened to your face?" Who......Who..... did that to you?" he asked, trying to leash his temper. Just the thought of it made his blood boil.

Joshy opened his eyes a little, he could feel daddy's body trembling from the rage. He knew that daddy was overprotective, and part of him loved it. It made him feel so safe and small. Nobody had ever cared about him as much, apart from Andrew, and somehow, it sent a small jolt of pleasure through his body. But talking about yesterday made everything seem more real. He had no shame when it came to daddy now, it had been a long process, but he felt like he could actually be himself when he was here, but talking about Andrew---- his Andrew, that way--- felt a little------wrong. He wanted daddy to know, but he did not want him to judge his best friend. Not without knowing everything. "I.....it was just a squirmish. Yesterday... when we went out....." Joshy was at a loss for words, how to make daddy understand? He wanted to convey all that had happened, but not now. "Can ...we...not talk about it now", he half-whispered, his voice so low that Matt could only hear him because they were so close.

Matt sighed and patted his hair "Okay, baby boy. But when you're ready, tell daddy what happened. Deal?" Joshy closed his eyes again and mumbled his acquiescence. Matt sighed, pulling his little boy closer. Part of him wanted to inquire further; to know the exact cause of his baby's bruise, and possibly pay a warm visit to whoever had had the marvelous idea of inflicting it, but he knew Joshy would not talk, not right now. So Matt relented for the time being. He gently caressed his baby's cheek, trying to ignore with all his might the half-formed bruise that was marring such a sweet face.

After what felt like forever, Matt said, "Okay, little monster, let's get you cleaned up and changed."

\------------------------------- _ **The next morning--------------------------------------------------**_

Andrew ringed the fancy intercom. He'd been standing in front of the damn door for twenty minutes, pondering the merits of trying to figure out what was happening to his best friend. He had slept in the car---- or tried to. He'd spent hours scrolling through google on his phone for anything involving diapers for adults and pacifiers. Andrew had been surprised when he'd found page after page of information. Some a little too detailed for comfort. It seemed that this "ageplay thing" if that was even what Josh was doing, had many forms and variants. It had just confused him more. Was that what Josh was? When had it started? Had he been doing this thing for long without Andrew knowing? Was this sexual for him? He'd read that it could be. And if it was the case, did it mean Josh was gay? After hours of searching through google, he'd been left with more questions than he'd started with. No---- He needed to go straight to the source and get some answers.

What he'd seen yesterday night had been so foreign---so different. It would have never occurred to him that something like that even existed. And for it to be Josh, the one partaking on it. He'd even looked-----cute. He'd wanted to reach out and envelop him with his arms to tell him that to him, it would never matter what Josh was or who he was. To Andrew, they would always be a pair.

He'd been hesitating for a while in front of the door, unsure if this was the best course of action. But he did not think he could go back without knowing what was happening to his best friend. He needed those answers, the mere thought of Josh having had such a rough time on his own------he'd get answers, and he planned to wreck this blasted place if he had to, to get them.

The camera on the intercom activated, and a handsome man appeared on the screen. He'd almost forgotten that the man he'd seen yesterday was handsome. Of course, he had to be fucking good-looking—the asshole. Andrew huffed. If he were ugly at the very least-----How dare he steal Josh and be handsome, and rich, by the looks of this place?

"Yes?" a manly voice spoke.

Andrew was pissed off, this man seemed so at ease. While he'd been a fucking wreck all night, thanks to all this. All reason was leaving Andrew already. He'd been planning how to approach the situation, he knew very little of it all. He'd intended to be civilized and understanding and----- all those ideas evaporated "open this damn door!" He roared, perhaps a little too harsh for comfort, but given the circumstances...

"I'm sorry, but I don't know who you are. Is this a prank?"

Andrew's ire exploded, "I'm Andrew Wilds! Now open the damn door, or I'll call the police, so you can explain what you are doing to Josh. The one you have wearing a fucking diaper!"

Matt froze, how did this guy... "How...how?" he stuttered for a second before regaining his stance. Matt wasn't often left open-mouthed, but this situation sure was out of the ordinary. They had been careful. Heck, they had kept to the house, the windows were tinted, and the walls surrounding the property were tall. How the fuck had they been found out?

Andrew sneered, "Damn right, I do. He's my best friend, you pervert!" He leaned closer to the intercom, his rage about to get the better of him, "so open up, or I'm gonna smash this place until you do."

"Wait a second!" the man's expression had turned white, shock written all over his face, although Andrew could not avoid noticing that he'd regained his composure quite fast. The doors opened to reveal a path that led directly to the front door, and Andrew wasted no time, stomping inside.

\------------------

Matt was in turmoil, his baby boy trusted him, he'd been opening up to him, and now they had been busted. He knew--just straight knew, that if Joshy found out someone knew his secret, he'd freak out. Especially if that someone was his best friend. And now that he was so comfortable in his headspace of all times. Part of him wanted to resort to his old ways to get rid of this problem, it would be so---so easy, but.....No, Matt was a different man now. He was a lawyer, and a good one at that, he needed to assess the situation from all perspectives, do some damage control, and then proceed. That always proved to be the best course of action. He sighed, already a headache was blooming on his temples. How have they been caught? Was he not going to get a rest this week?  
And most importantly, was Andrew a threat to Joshy? He had to talk to this guy and see what he was about. The most important thing was to ensure Joshy was alright and oblivious to this whole thing.  
Feeling a distinctive weight settle on his heart again, Matt made his way towards the front door. He would not allow anyone to break this little piece of happiness they both had created for themselves; at least he was sure of that.

From all the things Joshy had told him about his adult life, he knew Andrew to be his best friend. He'd been able to glean some aspects of Andrew Wilds's personality through his conversations with Josh, and he knew them to be joined at the hip. But in Matt's experience, friendships sometimes proved not to be enough when it came to this kind of stuff. He was now waiting by the door, leaning on the door frame worryingly. He massaged his temples again. He should make sure Joshy was alright; he couldn't leave him alone for too long. He'd left him playing in the living room, so if he played this right, he did not need to know someone else was here.

Matt was mulling over all this when he saw the blond-haired boy stomping down the path towards him, a very hostile expression drawn on his face. He had to admit that Andrew looked rather hot. In a cute-twinkish way. He was quite tall, though perhaps not as tall as his baby, but just as well built. Which he supposed was to be expected, knowing that he was on Joshy's football team. He glimpsed the shadows of a bruise on his face. Could it be that he'd also been in whatever had cause his baby boy harm yesterday? From what he recalled, Andrew was a little hot-tempered and quite quick to jump into action. Joshy had been making sure he didn't get into too much trouble since they were kids. Seeing the raw energy in which he was now approaching, Matt had no trouble imagining it. Perhaps he'd know who the fuck had laid their hands on Joshy. If that was the case, he'd find out.

\------  
Andrew strode towards the door with as much rage as he could muster. He saw the annoying bastard perched on the threshold, looking at him. Andrew glared at him; He was not only handsome but well-built and tall. The nerve of him! He had this analytical look about him that made Andrew's blood boil. As if he was trying to figure him out. Once he got within a couple of steps from reaching him, Andrew halted and looked him in the eye, coating his stare with as much venom as possible.

Seeing Andrew halt, Matt said, "Come inside, Andrew. These things are best discussed in privacy".

"Like hell, I'll get inside!" Andrew spat, his temper flaring like it hadn't for a while. Usually, Josh would reign in that wildness that seemed to seep out of every pore of Andrew's being. But he was not here to stop him now. His mother would scold him for not even trying to wind down; he'd been doing so well for the past year. But this blasted situation required his anger. He was mad at so many things right now, it was becoming all confusing in his own mind. He was angry at Josh for not trusting him, at himself for not having seen that Josh was not alright, at this man for knowing things about his best friend, even he didn't know, and at this whole situation for making him want to cry in a corner. He needed to get Josh out of this weird place ASAP, and this man looked like he could take a fucking bulldozer on his own. He'd seen him carry Josh on his arms yesterday. How strong was this guy anyway? No----he could not lose his cool now. It didn't matter. Andrew was no stranger to fighting his way out of situations. The plan was simple, get Josh, get out, find out what the hell was going on. "Get Josh out! I will get the heck out of here, and we'll never speak of you again". He growled. His hands, closing into fists at his sides. One, two, three, four... Relax, Andrew. He could almost hear Josh's voice urging him.

"Andrew, I think that you do not realize that Josh is here because he wants to be." Matt chagrined. "Do you really think I could keep him here against his will?" The man was now looking down at Andrew. Damn those extra inches! He wanted to punch his face from here to the north pole and be done with it. He might have done just that if his instincts hadn't been screaming at him, not to provoke this man.

Andrew thought about what this man had said for a second. It could be that Josh was here out of his own volition. Couldn't it? He'd seemed pretty happy yesterday. Andrew had been thinking about it all through this blasted night but had not been able to lay down a single reason as to why he'd choose this. He couldn't help to remember what he'd seen yesterday. Josh had looked so peaceful; happy even----- But still, to choose this, and with a stranger. It was outrageous. How broken was Josh? How long had he been hiding parts of himself, while pretending to be okay? Was this his fault, for not having paid enough attention? "I wanna talk to him," he snarled. "If he's so happy with this----this---thing, he'll tell me so himself." He snapped. Like hell, he'd take a stranger's word over his best friend's.

"I don't think you realize how hard this is for him." Matt sighed and rubbed his temples, exhaustion showing on his face, " Come in, let me explain it to you. If afterward you're not satisfied, I'll talk to him....." He paused, his face taking a darker look "And hear me well boy" he pointedly looked at Andrew, blazing fire simmering in his eyes "I'll talk to him, and once he's ready, he'll tell you whatever it is you want to know." He moved closer to Andrew and looked down at him, now there was not a hair's breadth between them, and Andrew, gulped despite himself, "But if, even for a second, you hurt him in any way, or make him feel bad. I swear boy," he spoke this next words very----very slowly. "I'll be the one you'll have to deal with. Understood?" And Andrew, the one who was usually feared, felt himself tremble a little. His treacherous eyes shying away from this man's powerful stare.

Andrew gulped again; this bastard was scary. He had not felt this fear in years. Also, he wasn't comfortable with this much closeness. This asshole had looked peaceful a second ago, and now---he went full villain on him? Besides, he'd never hurt Josh. Not him. Andrew was used to hurting others, but never Josh.-----But that was not true now, was it? He'd hurt him just the other night. It had been an accident and.....He spoke before that train of thought made it to its stop and wrecked him. "Like I'd ever hurt him," he mumbled, though much of the rage he'd wanted to inflict on those words was not there. He still could not look the guy in the eyes—the nerve of him. For a moment, he felt so sad and small in front of this man. He exuded such----such power as if he was used to being obeyed without much fuss.

Matt could not help but notice Andrew's expression, the poor boy looked like a deer trapped in front of headlights. It somehow reminded him of his baby, but he would not relent. Not when it came to Joshy. "I asked you a question, Andrew. Friend or not, you hurt my boy in any way, and there will be consequences, understood?" He asked a little less rabid now.

Andrew could only remember glimpses of those times when he'd been afraid of threats. Days long past when he'd been doing anything---anything possible just to get home a little bit later. Delaying the unavoidable in any way he could, until a bright boy had noticed and-------He stopped, No, he would not think about that. He'd promised Josh he would leave it behind once that asshole was behind bars, and now he was. He'd been for years. He'd been so good at not thinking about that these past years, and now in a couple of days, the only thing his mind wanted to think about was that. The fear of being left alone was once again a permanent fixture of his daily life. Andrew shook himself out of his reverie.

He looked up at the guy again, he looked like the sort of man, even people like Andrew were wary of. His body was still shaking, though he could not tell if it was due to the rage or fear. Who the hell was this asshole? Could it be he was from a gang? He certainly looked the part with those muscles and cold stare.

It had not escaped Andrew's attention the usage of "My boy" to refer to Josh. How dare he? This bastard. How long had they known each other for him to already consider him "his boy"? It Couldn't have been that long, right? After all, Andrew spent so much time with Josh...; he'd have noticed it. Andrew had known him for way longer, he should be the one calling Josh his. Not this man. His heart was pounding, that much pressure was seeping out of this man. He was sure that one wrong word now would make him jump, and Andrew didn't know how he'd fare in a fight against him. He needed answers, and if he was right and Josh was into what he'd read, it was probably better to allow him to tell him at his own pace. He looked into the man's eyes, trying to shake that fear away "Fine! But I'm not the dangerous motherfucker here," he growled, though it did not sound nearly as menacing as he'd intended.

"I'm sure you're not, boy." Matt said, a bit too sweetly, "come in" He guided him through a grand foyer and stopped, turning back, "I'm Matt, by the way." Andrew did not give a fuck; he wasn't planning on staying long enough to remember his name.

The man, Matt, led him to the kitchen. Andrew swallowed the urge to gawk at the sheer size of the place. Why the hell did anyone need so much space to cook for? Ridiculous. During the unnecessarily long walk to the kitchen, Andrew had tried to scan the place for any signs of Josh, or any weapons or anything he could fling at this man in case of emergency, but he'd seen no signs of anything he could use. The handsome bastard motioned toward a chair, and Andrew took it, slumping down on it with as much force as possible. He'd be glad if the damn chair broke, it looked expensive enough that, at least, it'd be a bother.

"Stay here a sec while I make sure he's okay. I'm not going to tell him you're here. We'll talk in private" He looked down at him, and what a way to stare at someone. "And do not stand up, he's in the living room, and I'm sure he'll freak out if he sees you." halfway through the kitchen, he turned back and added," I may be a while." Andrew glared at him and opened his mouth to say something when they heard a small noise coming from the living room. To anyone else's ears, it would have sounded like a baby, but both knew very well it was Josh. He reigned himself in and nodded. "Fine, but you will spill out everything when you come back." Matt nodded and left the kitchen. And that was that.

Two things are of importance when one talks about Andrew Wilds. First, he rarely did what he was told; second, he never did what he was told. So when Matt left the kitchen, he sauntered over to the doors that led to the living room—keeping as close to the wall as possible. He wanted to know----he desperately wanted to know what this bastard was going to tell Josh. If he threatened him, he'd see it, punch the living lights out of this man, and run for it with Josh in tow. Embarrassment be damned!

He peered into the room, and sure enough, Josh was sitting in front of the couch he'd seen from the outer wall yesterday, wearing a onesie and what appeared to be a very puffy diaper. He looked kinda cute, moving about a soft brown teddy bear. God, this was just so confusing. Andrew was paying attention when he saw the man's expression change completely. All rage seemed to vanish, and his voice took a more familiar demure as he beheld Josh.

\--------

Matt walked towards his baby, anxiety coiling inside of him. He did not know what to expect of his conversation with Andrew, but he knew for sure that he was not going to tell Joshy anything about it until he met the guy properly. And he'd meant it, if that boy hurt his baby, he'd forget about his moral codes and beat him up till he could no longer hurt him. He'd seen the boy flinch a little when the rage had gotten to him, and part of Matt felt terrible. Surely Andrew was confused and scared. The poor thing had looked so lost, part of him had wanted to reach out and hug him. But still, protecting Joshy was ingrained on him at this point. It felt almost like a force he could not---- would not prevent from taking hold. If his baby, the sweetest boy ever, was in danger, he'd see to it that the threat stopped. And if he had to go back to who he was before, to that dark beast, he'd kept inside him for so long, so be it.

He looked down and saw his baby boy smiling at Eddy. He could not avoid the small smile that formed on his lips. Joshy looked so cute when he was absorbed in his playtime. A month ago, he would have freaked out upon hearing the intercom. No doubt thinking someone would be able to see him, but now, here he was, as happy as ever without a care in the world.

When Joshy noticed him approaching, he squealed. "Addy!" Joshy beamed. Matt crouched in front of him and patted his hair affectionately. "Daddy is back, sweetie." He enveloped him for a moment between his arms, inhaling in his sweet scent and allowing it to soften his rage, lest he'd go to the kitchen and do something he'd regret later.

When he let go of Joshy, the little boy looked him up, curiosity written all over his face "Orrr vrooom?" Matt chuckled. Over the past month, Joshy had developed an array of words he liked to use the most to communicate while in headspace. But the fact that he was wearing a big pacy made it almost always impossible to understand what he was saying. Matt usually guided himself by the gestures and little quirks that his baby used to accompany his words. Still, it was an endearing sight. He caressed his cheek, "Yes, sweetie, there was nobody at the door. Daddy is alone with his little tiger". Joshy beamed at that and lifted his arms. Matt smiled and hoisted Joshy up, bouncing him a little on his hip, before going towards the couch. He sat down, his baby on his lap looking at him. Joshy nudged his cheek with his pacified mouth as if kissing him, and Matt beamed. Joshy was really good at picking out when Matt was worried. And every time he saw worry cloud his eyes, he'd try to cheer him up. Joshy liked to take care of those around him. A habit that he had incorporated as much as possible to his little self. Matt had to distract him, if he saw him worried, that would only make his baby sad, "Who's my baby boy?" he coed as he tickled Joshy softly on his tummy.

Joshy giggled and pointed at himself, "meeee!" he crooned. Matt chuckled, "that's right. The most beautiful boy in the whole wide world". Joshy smiled, nodding as if satisfied, his daddy thought so too, and Matt laughed again. Joshy knew very well how cute he was, and he wasted no opportunities to remind his daddy and all his plushies of it.

Matt caressed his cheek, relishing in its softness. Joshy was already fixated on something else, trying to get Eddy to climb to daddy's head. Matt laughed. This boy had so much energy. Still, he had to talk to him, and he did not know how to approach the subject without distressing him too much.

Matt prompted Joshy's chin upwards, getting his attention. "Sweetie, do you remember when daddy had to leave you to play alone for a little while, to make a call for his big boy matters?" Joshy went very still, but nodded nonetheless, his lip already bobbing beneath the pacifier. He knew where things were headed. Joshy was a very needy baby, and being left alone was not one of his favorite things. Last time, he'd insisted that he could be on daddy's arms while he made the call by pointing to his other arm as if saying, "you have two arms. One for Joshy, one for phone". Matt had roared with laughter. His little tiger had looked so serious while pointing at his other arm. Matt had gently explained to him that no, it was best not to because he didn't want to drop his precious baby boy while on the phone. While in reality, he had not wanted him to listen to his enraged words. He'd been working on Robert's case, and that always went south.

"No, no, sweetie. It's okay. Daddy is just going to be a while, and then we'll play all day and watch a movie together." He caressed his baby's cheek and gently bounced him, trying to distract him from his own thought. "Does that sound alright, sweetie?" Joshy seemed to be pondering that. He looked so cute, all concentrated on thinking the pros and cons of being without daddy for a while. He ended up deciding just to hug his daddy, burying his head on the place his shoulder connected with his neck. Matt knew where this was going; he'd pretend he hadn't heard him. Matt gently tried to pry him from his shoulder, his baby boy looking up at him with such a sad expression it almost broke his heart. He steeled himself as much as he could, and continued, "Okay, sweetie. This is what we're going to do. Daddy is going to be gone for a short while" He placed a finger to his baby's pacifier when he looked like he was going to cry "I'll be super, super fast so I can return to my baby boy. And tonight, you can sleep in daddy's big bed, with daddy". Joshy looked a little red-eyed already, but he perked up at the mention of daddy's bed. He loved cuddling at night.

Joshy looked up at daddy and nodded. Matt beamed and attacked him with an endless stream of kisses. Joshy giggled, trying to divert the attack by placing Eddy in front of his face. "That's my sweet, brave boy." He hugged him close. "Daddy is going to be as fast as he can, sweetie. You won't even notice I'm not here. And daddy will be very close by," He pointed at Joshy's heart. "Because...?" Joshy perked up and said, "Addy always in Oshy's hart." Daddy smiled and placed a kiss on his forehead and one on his pacy. "That's right, sweetie. Always". He loved the way Joshy was smiling; he was going to make sure that his smile remained.

Weeks ago, on one of their weekends, Joshy had had a nightmare. Matt had dashed to the nursery to find a red-eyed Joshy clinging to Eddy. A slow stream of tears cascading down his cheeks. The sight alone had been enough to break Matt's heart. When he'd calmed him down, he'd asked Joshy to tell him what had happened using his big words. It had taken a while, but after much coaxing, he had opened up. Joshy had had a nightmare where he was all alone and scared, and nobody could get to him. Matt had reassured his baby boy that whenever he came to his house for "baby time," he'd never be alone. And if he'd ever need him while on his regular life, Matt would be there in a heartbeat, because he was always with him. Always in his heart. A sentence he'd heard a long time ago. The only tether he'd had to pull himself together when he'd thought there were just too many pieces of his heart scattered around for him to ever be able to put it back together.

He carried his baby boy to the playpen he'd installed in the living room and closed the railing. Then he turned on the tv, Netflix already coming to life. He started looking for Joshy's favorite cartoons, "Ladybug and cat Noir." Joshy wasn't even looking at the screen, though; he looked at Matt with big sad eyes. Matt knew Joshy didn't like the playpen because it meant that daddy was going to be far, or else he'd never place him there. Also, he couldn't get out of it alone, the diapers were too bulky for him to stand properly, and the latch was on the outside.

Matt gathered all his strength; it was hard to see that look on his beautiful boy's face. It was all it usually took for him to relent, but he could not today, he had a meaningful conversation to attend to "It's okay, sweetie. Look, Eddy is coming with your fire truck!" He grabbed the teddy and the fire truck from the couch and brought them to his baby boy. Joshy clutched Eddy and looked at his daddy from behind his cover. "Addy.." he mumbled, his lip pouting beneath the pacifier, their deal already forgotten to him.

Matt's heart did a somersault with three flips in between and crashed utterly smashed on the floor. He sighed; it was hard to see Joshy, the happiest baby on earth, looking so dejected. He got inside the playpen again and crouched in front of him, "I know. I know, baby", he started patting his baby's hair soothingly. He hated having to leave him alone; he knew how much it distressed Joshy when he was in little headspace. He'd explained to him, while out of headspace, why, and the reason had broken Matt's heart.

Joshy's father had left when he was 15, enraged at his mother for having cheated. Joshy had not been the one at fault, but he had been in the midst of the crossfire. Joshy's father had said such hurtful things to him, to then vanish without a trace. It appeared that Joshy had known what his mother had been doing for a while, he’d been keeping it to himself at her request. He'd been too young and too scared to know what to do. Afterward, his mother had started going down a very dark road. Drinking night after night, and acting as if she were a 20 year old. The stream of guys had been endless, and Joshy had been left to take care of his irresponsible mother. That had marked his baby so hard that the poor boy had repressed his feelings all the way to college. When Matt had heard the story, a part of his heart had cracked at the raw acceptance written in Joshy's face. He'd related the whole thing as if it was alright. As if he'd accepted his fault in the matter. Matt had hugged him all night long, tears falling down his cheeks for the first time in a long time.

"Addy back?" Joshy asked, looking up at Matt. That got Matt out of his reverie. He chuckled; the little tiger----he was actually pretending that him going to retrieve Eddy and coming back actually meant that he was back already from his talk. He ruffled his baby's hair "No, sweetie. Daddy hasn't even left yet", he smiled at him. "But, you know how much daddy hates to leave you when you are with him, right?" Joshy nodded slowly, his lip trembling a little behind the pacifier. "And you know daddy would never do it if it weren't really, really important?", Joshy nodded again. "And you know----" and he tickled him again. Joshy squicked and tried to stop daddy with Eddy. "Ahhh, I forgot. Gotta tickle Eddy too, silly daddy" He made a good show of tickling both Joshy and Eddy. When his baby was already a mesh of giggles, he stopped and placed kiss to his hair. "Okay, sweetie, daddy will be back in a gist. Be my brave boy for a while, and daddy will bake you the biggest chocolate cake ever." Joshy perked up at that, beaming. He loved baking with daddy. "Oshy help." Matt chuckled and placed another kiss to his forehead. "Of course, how could I bake without my little chef." Joshy smiled, looking proud to be such big help.

He finally stood up, looking at his baby boy all the while, and closed the playpen again. "Daddy will be back soon," he soothed him. Joshy had his eyes trained on him all the while as he left the living room. That had been hard, but what came next---- Mat exhaled, he'd pull through, he knew he would.

He stilled himself and turned towards the kitchen, closing the doors as he went.

\---------  
Andrew saw the whole scene unfold. That man, this annoying cunning bastard, was actually------good to Joshy. He'd been hoping, praying even, for that not to be the case. Just so that he could have an excuse to grab Josh and get the hell out of this blasted place, but----he'd been so careful with Josh, so----caring. It had been a father taking care of his little boy. And something inside Andrew's heart clenched. What did this say about him? What if this was actually good for Josh and Andrew fucked it up, as he always did? Josh had looked so innocent talking to Matt, and he had genuinely seemed distressed by him leaving. Andrew had never seen his friend act like that. It had genuinely felt as if he were a baby. What if this man could be what Andrew never could? Were they now a thing? But Joshy---I mean Josh. God, this bullshit was getting to him. Josh was straight, right?

No----he'd not allow that hope within himself to flicker to life again, not when he'd spent so much time making sure it didn't ignite and consumed him whole. This was messed up enough already. Doubts started to sink in; what if coming here had been a bad idea? Perhaps he should have minded his fucking business. After all, if Josh hadn't told him shit, maybe it was because he didn't want him to know? Somehow the realization of that possibility hurt more than he'd thought possible. Having seen Joshy so vulnerable had opened a hole in Andrew's heart. For a moment, he'd wanted to reach out and hug him. To envelop him in his arms and make sure everything was okay. That they were okay. Just as Josh had done for him so many times before. He sighed, rubbing the exhaustion out of his eyes, and when he looked up, he saw Matt looking at him.

Andrew steeled himself, this conversation sure was gonna be tough.


	11. CHAPTER 11: TALK TO ME ABOUT IT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!
> 
> sorry for the wait. It may take two weeks to finish the chapters. WARNING: there are mentions of violence in this one. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF IT TRIGGERS YOU
> 
> Again thanks for the nice comments, they really make my day 😊💖. I know these chapters are long, but I really couldn't cut them shorter. I will be finishing the story by the end of this month or maybe mid-September. As always comments and suggestions are welcome.
> 
> PD: I'm gonna refresh your minds about some characters that have appeared only briefly and in mention only in past chapters and that appear here only at the end of the chapter:  
> Robert: he's matt's ex, the one he was in a gang with.  
> Michael was also in the same orphanage where they grew up  
> Susan is a new character that's gonna appear soon  
> Thomas: it's gonna be disclosed soon, but he's matt's boss, and he the benefactor of the orphanage where they grew up. (disclosed in the next chapter)
> 
> PD: next chapter is full of fluff. Andrew meets joshy and there’s an unexpected appearance in matt’s life. So bear with me through the drama of this one, the happy, fluffy things are coming. As well as some problems around the corner.  
> Hope you enjoy 💖💖😘
> 
> Lots of love,
> 
> Nami Dragnel 💖

Matt strode towards the kitchen table, his sight never living Andrew. He was sure that the boy had been eavesdropping the whole time. Someone else might not have noticed, but Matt had grown up in a place where keeping his senses sharp was the only way to survive; and Andrew, it seemed, had not the faintest notion about stealth. He pulled back a chair directly opposite him and sat down—the weight of this whole week's problems, a constant shadow about him.

"Where shall I start?" Matt mused aloud, stretching his arms a little to release some of the built-up tension. He 'd closed the doors to the kitchen so that they could talk privately, but he tried not to raise his voice, just in case. The blond guy sitting in front of him looked lost in thought, surely what he'd seen had stirred some opinions of his own. If he was so ferocious when it came to Joshy, it meant that he cared about him. And that was the only reason that had prompted Matt to explain everything instead of going into a more unconventional direction. 

Andrew looked up from the incredibly interesting spot he'd found on the table and shifted on his chair. He'd never been good with feelings, and lately, it seemed the world was intent on reminding him of that a little too often. Having seen Josh and this guy interact, made his mind go into complete pandemonium. He'd never thought he'd see that innocence he remembered from when they were kids on Josh's face again. He had been so bright back then, a sun amidst the clouds. Even Andrew, who had been a timid and lonely boy, had unavoidably gravitated towards him. But that was what Josh did; he pulled people in. Josh was a safe rock in which to lean on; one always knew that safety beckoned where he was. He had been all of those things and more for Andrew, and the thought alone of him having to resort to this----this thing. He must have felt so lonely and so sad. 

And his rage, that raging fire that seemed to burn inside Andrew permanently, began to dim, flickering faintly around the edges. No more than embers fluttering upwards to prove that it had been there. Andrew looked at this man- Matt- now sitting in front of him, and somehow, he felt himself balancing in front of a very steep cliff. There was something about what he'd just seen that----- Matt's deep voice shook him out of his reverie.

"I met Josh through an adult baby chat. A year ago, more or less," Matt started. 

"Wait, how long?" Andrew asked, shock written on his face.

" A year, give or take a month," Matt mused. 

Andrew blinked---just blinked. And Matt had to force himself not to smile. From afar, and from another perspective, Andrew had looked rabid and ill-tempered. Here, looking all confused and lost, it was the cutest---- _No, better not to go there. He had to keep his bearings when it came to this. It was Joshy that was at stake; he could not afford---would not afford to be too soft now. Andrew had to understand that Matt would not allow any harm to come to his baby boy._

Andrew had heard him right then; they had been talking for a year. And in such a small amount of time, he'd gotten so close to Josh? Andrew's body shook a little, his contained raged surged from those last embers, and leaped, and fell once again, no more than the ghost of a long-forgotten flame. He'd known Josh for so long, and---it seemed that he had not merited being told this kind of personal stuff. Josh had to be an adult baby then if he'd met this guy through that kind of chat. What that fact meant to him------was not something he was ready to face just yet. 

This man-Matt- had only been a speck on Josh's life, a brushstroke in the canvas that Josh was, and he already felt closer to him than Andrew did. And somewhere inside Andrew, a small boy with a raging sword in his hand fell to his knees. The weapon, suddenly to heavy for his trembling hands, discarded on the floor by his side. It was then, and only then that Andrew knew what the hole inside his chest was----- It was sorrow, and pain, laced with jealousy. For so long, he'd wanted to be the rock that supported Josh, that cornerstone in which he'd be able to lean on. To do for him what Josh had been doing for so many years. But in reality, he had not been able to, he---he hadn't been enough. Not in the ways that mattered. That restlessness- his doctor had called it hyperactivity- started working through him, coursing through his body like a lightning strike. And suddenly, his hands wanted to grasp something, curl into fists and punch something--- anything to be occupied. He shifted a little on his chair, a bead of sweat descending down his temples. His mouth felt suddenly too dry as if he'd stumbled into a dessert he had not seen in the distance.

"We started getting to know each other. I wanted to meet a baby boy and Josh....well, he was not sure what he wanted. But I could tell what he needed, it was written all over him. He had been repressing himself for so long." Matt sighed as if remembering those hard weeks. "He was reluctant at first, but eventually, he opened up." He noticed Andrew fidgeting with his hands; the boy seemed to be perpetually thriving with energy. Matt understood that a little too well. After all, he had been born restless, that's one of the reasons why he'd been so good at wrecking people, those dark years when he'd been working with Robert. Looking for something to occupy both their minds, he stood up, making his way to the counter as he talked. "We have a lot in common, you and I, Andrew." 

Andrew kept on following the guy's movements, his eyes trained on his back. His fingers started gently tapping on the surface of the wooden table, arising a gentle sound that enveloped the room—an unconscious rhythm flowing out of him. "Like hell, we do! I'm not a pervert," he spat upon hearing Matt's words. His hands were now gripping the table hard, his knuckles going white from the effort. Even to his own ears, the statement sounded so childish... as if he wanted to make sure he stood on a different level from this guy who'd stolen Josh away. _Andrew had known him for way longer than one year, that was for sure. Damned it!_ His mind crooned. 

"You will discover, Andrew," Matt continued, irritation corded through his words "That you and I are indeed quite similar. You can hardly leash your temper. I can tell from how hard you're griping my table right now," Andrew noticed, and as if trying to prove him wrong, he let go of his grip immediately. Matt resumed, "You examined every little thing on our way to the kitchen. No doubt trying to find a way to knock me out if the need arose". And it was in the way he said it as if it wouldn't have mattered either way, that made Andrew pause, his hands now curled into fists at his sides. He'd seen countless bastards disguised as sheep, but this man-----this man was a wolf, and he wasn't trying to hide it. 

"You have so much rage inside you, that sometimes you don't know what to do with it." Matt continued, "But the most important thing is that you would do just about anything to protect those you care about. Hence you being here right now."

This asshole!----Andrew-----Andrew did not know what to say to that. Because the truth was, those words had found their mark. Andrew recognized when someone got the upper hand pretty quickly. He'd been dealing with that sort of people all his life. But somehow, here---and now- it felt worse than ever- as if he'd lost to this bastard. He absolutely did not want to see any sort of similarities with this guy. Not now, not ever. And the fact that they were quite apparent wasn't boding well with him. His body trembled a little, that extinguished rage kindling some. His mind was a stormy sea of emotions, too many at once for him to sort out. He tried to calm himself down, least he'd do something crazy again. _One, two, three breath Andrew, he heard Josh's voice urging him inside his mind. You've got this. You're better than this—Andrew_ breathed deep a couple of times, the motion cutting some of the edge off. He tried to focus on this bastard's movements again, anything to distract himself, anything not to give in to that part of himself that wanted to forget about being civilized and just trash everything, to run and hide in a place where he could not be seen.

Matt got two mugs out of a cupboard and left them on one side of the counter, completely unaware of Andrew's internal struggle. Then, he retrieved a cutting board from a drawer to his right and placed it in front of him. He poured some toasty Colombian coffee beans on top of it, and using the flat of a knife, he started to grind them. He firmly pressed the blade down on the grains, and they gave in easily under his strength like he knew they would. He settled into a comfortable rhythm, applying as much force as needed as he went. 

Andrew couldn't help but notice how meticulous the work was. This guy reminded him of someone, but he couldn't quite tell who it was. It was in the repetitive steps; The almost reverent movements that seemed to bring about some sort of calm. He tried to remember, to focus on what that action reminded him ....... suddenly a memory settled on his mind, carefully carrying him amidst its current into another time----------

\-----" _Andrew will you stop cracking those walnuts. They are getting all over the bed, and You're not even eating them." Khalid purred next to him. Andrew had half a mind of punching him. He had just blown him off, nothing more. Why the need to stay and annoy him afterward? "SHUT UP," he retorted, though not as harsh as usual, "it....it relaxes me." Khalid laughed, and that laugh somehow reminded him of Josh, a low, breathy chuckle that shook him to his very core. "You know. There are actual stress balls for that," Khalid added with a smirk. Andrew did not want a stress ball. He liked the crushing, the breaking. It made him feel like he was not the only thing that could be broken in this shithole of a place.-------_

Andrew snapped back from his memory and almost cursed himself aloud. Fuck! It didn't mean anything; lots of people crushed things to loosen up...They were not alike. He'd be damned if he recognized even the smallest of similarities between them. His hands were now gripping the sides of his chair, the cold bite of the wood almost felt like a relief amidst this storm he'd found himself thrown into.

" I just want to be there for him. Josh has had it rough, and for some people, Abdl is a healing mechanism, he's one of those people. " Matt revealed, "I wanted to take care of him, to give him the love and care he was lacking. It...It helps me relax. Taking care of someone," Matt continued, the familiar motions of grinding his coffee, easing some of the built-up tension in his shoulders. It was a ruse, of course, he needn't grind the coffee himself. But there was something about the easy-to-follow steps and the careful dexterity needed to do it, that always appeased him. It was in these orderly steps that he'd found peace long ago. For too short a time, but still, ---- anything, even a small thing, is better than nothing when you genuinely have nothing else.

Once the grind was as fine as he wanted it, he scooped it up with a spoon and carefully added some sugar into the mix, pouring it into a crystal jar and setting it aside. "Joshy regresses because that is his only way to cope with everything, to unwind and relax." He added some milk to a pot and warmed it up, the bittersweet smell of the coffee already filling the space the awkwardness had claimed as its own. He leaned his hands against the counter and got close to the jar, breathing in the fresh aroma: that sweet and earthy scent, a little bitter around the edges, never failed to make him smile. " When I met him in person. I just knew it. That was it for me. I wanted to take care of him. Be his daddy when he needed me".

Andrew kept on following the whole thing. It was so meticulous, it almost felt like a ritual—a carefully arranged dance with way too many steps for his currently troubled mind to follow. A while ago, he'd been confused. And the thought of some answeres had prompted him to act. Surely he'd feel better once he found out that Josh had been forced into this and that he would never abandon Andrew, not willingly. But now, hearing this man talk after having witnessed with his own eyes the truth of it----It hurt, and pretty bad. "Why....why didn't" he trailed off, looking for the words to ask what he was scared of knowing, "why didn't he tell me?" he half-whispered, still looking at Matt's powerful back.

" Because to him, this is a shameful thing. Andrew." Matt said, not even bothering to turn around. "Surely you understand how this can be.....a bit foreign to some people. Not the kind of thing you'd just air around. Not even to those closest to you." he added. 

Andrew shuddered a little, so imperceptibly that nobody would have noticed. Not even Matthew, if he'd been paying attention. Andrew would not have judged; he would----he would have understood. Heck! It wouldn't have mattered to him if Josh suddenly sprouted a second head. Andrew just wanted-----he sighed; he did not even know what he wanted anymore. The thought alone of Josh going through this alone, when just knowing about it was hurting Andrew so much----how much pain must he have endured alone? How broken was he? And while----while Andrew had been acting so immature, getting into so many fights. Andrew had been relying on Josh to stop him without paying any mind to how he would feel. He was the absolute worst! He knew that--- he'd been told countless times, but----now, for the first time in his life, it rang true. And it hurt...

Andrew sighed, lowering his head a little. The aching behind his eyes intensified, and all of a sudden, it took all his self-control not to start crying. He would not---could not cry. Because to let loose that well of pain that lay buried deep within himself, would only mean to unearth all the suffering he'd been repressing and that----that, he could not do. He was sure that if he did, he'd never stop crying. And Andrew was no pussy! Damned this whole situation for making him feel weak! He promised himself he would not be that weak again. And he had kept that word---hardly and with a lot of bravado--but he had kept it. And he was not going to break it now. He'd be damned if he did!

"Joshy takes care of everyone," Matt mused aloud. It almost felt as if he'd forgotten Andrew was in the room, so absorbed was he in his coffee-making ritual. He poured the steaming milk unto the two mugs, and gingerly added the coffee. The sweet tang of it almost made him sigh in relief. He stirred the contents with a teaspoon and brought both cups to the table." It took a while for him to open up. And I just...I could not leave him as he was. He was so tired, so sad. And when he told me everything, I wanted to ease that pain," Matt carefully settled one mug in front of Andrew, who a little wearily took it in his hands. Matt could not help but notice the small white scar on his hand, the bitten down nails, the raw skin on his knuckles. He looked Andrew up and down, and for a moment, he saw the pain and rage the boy must have felt. The loneliness that was written in capital letters in his every movement. Andrew had to have a reason for being so---so unfriendly and angry at the world. He looked so sad to him that Matt's parental side started roaring again. He pushed it down. He lifted his mug of coffee and took a sip, the golden mixture a soft elixir going down his throat. He'd prepared the coffee in the hopes that, by giving something to fix their attention, they both would ease up a little. He felt like he had succeeded. At least Andrew had stopped incessantly tapping the table. That was something.

Andrew's expression turned ashen, "He told you everything? Even.....his...his parents situation?" he queried, a half-whisper. His voice already half-broken from so much emotion. For years Josh had only confided in Andrew. They had both been wrecked as kids. And that secret---that piece of information that they had carefully tucked between their hearts, it had been the cord that tied them together---- their connection, a bridge between them. And Andrew had never cared, not really---- who got closer to Josh, because in the end---- he knew------ Josh would only confide in him. He'd only expose that part of himself to Andrew. And that meant something to him. 

And now-----this guy----this insufferable guy----- knew something only Andrew was supposed to know. And it was sadness, the small kid who had previously crumbled on the floor inside a dark room, started trying to make a ball of himself. The firey sword that laid discarded by his side, now completely doused--- wholly extinguished. No longer a shield against the world. And there was light, and there was music, but not one bit of it reached him. Andrew felt that annoying pressure start to build on the back of his eyes again. He blinked a few times, trying to keep it at bay. He would not break. Certainly not here, in front of a stranger. 

"He did tell me. But only recently," Matt added when he saw Andrews's expression crumble a little, "I know this is hard to understand. But there really is nothing more to it than love and trust" At that, Andrew looked up, and he looked so much like Joshy did before he cried that Matt, somehow, felt the need to add, "Though not the romantic type. I am more like a father figure to him. Josh has not....shown any inclinations to..." he rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly feeling a little lost for words. He looked up and saw some relief written on Andrew's face.--- _Mhh..., Interesting._ Matt tucked that piece of information inside his mind to examine later. He already had a pretty good idea of how Andrew Wilds's mind worked. And the irony of their similarities had not escaped him one bit.

Those last words, thank God. Andrew had almost broken right then and there. For a second, every other detail of their conversation forgotten. So bright was this new ray of light that shone amidst his dark. Well, Josh was into something a little strange---- Yes. But he was not romantically involved with this man. And that----that sent a flood of relief so big through Andrew's body, that he almost jumped from excitement. "So, you and Joshy ----Fuck! I mean, Josh ---- are just like...a...." he tried to think of the word. It was caressing the edges of his mind, a small fluttering of wings carrying it along, but it kept eluding him for some reason. They were not involved romantically, Josh leaned on this man, as he would lean on a dad so that technically meant------ "You're like a family?" he mumbled, the realization taking hold.

Matt almost laughed at the obvious excitement that was now displayed on Andrew's face. Those last words had done it. He understood overbearing territorial people better than no one. "Yes, that we are. When he's here and when he's not. I'm his fatherly figure. Nothing more, but nothing less." He added, "Josh has had it rough, and I wanna make sure he's alright and happy. And he is now."

Andrew took another sip of the incredibly flavorful coffee. How the heck did it taste so fucking good? He made a note of trying to grind his coffee from now on. _Yeah right! When pigs fly, his mind crooned. He internally rolled his eyes_ at his own snarky thought. "It's weird" he was still hurt, Josh could have told Andrew. He would have helped, but----the fact that they were not involved romantically-----That almost made up for it-- almost-- but there were still lots of questions running through his mind. "But that doesn't tell me why this thing? why not something else?"

Matt took another sip of his coffee, "Because "this thing" as you put it, allows him to let go of everything" he made a wide circle with his arms as if to signify all of Joshy's problems "he gets to come here and be my baby boy. And having someone take care of him...someone fully focused on him....it brings him peace. No worries, no disturbing thoughts for a while," he added. "Everyone deals with their problems and hardships in their own way. Abdl is just another one."

Andrew stared at him, considering his words for a second. It was true Josh had looked peaceful, but----but, how could wearing a diaper help in any way? Andrew knew about hardships. Heck! If someone knew about that kind of stuff, it was him, and he surely wasn't going around wearing a diaper. For a moment, he pictured it, and the thought alone made him blush. "But why a baby? why the diapers and the-----the everything else?" He asked, now looking at his mug as if it held all the answers. He wanted to understand, but-----but it just was so foreign to him, so odd... When he'd been a child, he had not been worry-free at all. If anything, it had been the opposite. Though he was not sure his experience growing up could be dubbed the norm. 

"Andrew, can you think of a time when you trusted someone else more than where you were a kid?" Matt asked. "Think about it. Think about a time where you could fully let go." He said, gripping his mug, "By letting go, he gets to play around—no worries, especially for someone like him. You know how he tries to take care of everyone around him. Heck! It was tough to get him comfortable with all of this. At first, he was so embarrassed at every little thing..." Matt leaned back against the back of his chair, looking up as if lost in memories. "Then he just....just started smiling more, and one day, he became this little bundle of playfulness..." Matt laughed a little, remembering how just yesterday, Joshy had pretended to be asleep to surprise daddy when he was about to change him. "This makes sense to him," Matt said, now looking directly at Andrew, who was currently studying the porcelain mug again. The boy was shaking a little and------Matt reached his hands instinctively, covering Andrew's scarred hands with his own. Scars to scars and Callouses to callouses. 

Andrew had been listening, it had been a simple explanation, and it had been alright. Until----Until he heard that question: _Andrew, can you think of a time when you trusted someone else more than where you were a kid?_ They were just words, he knew but-----he had not been able to------ Trust to him, especially when he'd been a kid----it had never been there. It was one thing when he thought about his fucked up childhood, but to hear the abnormality of it worded aloud...A buzzing sound roared in his head. Pain and bitter memories carried him between their ragged edges until he almost lost himself to his misery.-----

_\--- And it was a broken boy, standing at the foot of a bed---his mother's bed---- in a cold hospital room. His sister, Sandra, clutching him like a scared little animal. She had looked so frail to Andrew. He'd been afraid he'd hug her too hard and hurt her just like dad would. His mom had been covered in numerous cuts and bruises. "She had fallen down the stairs"---- yet again. And he'd known, even at the tender age of eight, that if it hadn't been the stairs, it would have been, "bumping against a door"; or " tripping with a rug"; or perhaps something as simple as "a flower pot." He'd heard all those versions before. Dad had----it had been him he'd wanted to harm, but mom, she had tried to stop him again----she----_

His body shook with the force of so much sorrow. That little kid inside of him, who had been curling into a ball, started shedding tears. And there were so many of them that the room inside his heart began to flood. And it was not this conversation or those memories or even the fact that he did not understand the one person he thought he understood. It was his loneliness that made Andrew Wilds crumble. Tears started to fall down his cheeks, and he knew he was crying, only because he felt the wetness of it falling down his face. So foreign to him. He'd been used to crying a long time ago, but when he'd figured out that tears would not help him fix his problems, he'd let them run out. He'd built a damp out of those small kernels of strength he'd had, and all that had been left was a dried-up river, its water dissipating to show the scarred land it had been hiding for so long.

Andrew knew there was a sound that wanted to escape from his throat. But he did not know what it was. It felt awkward; he was not used to it at all.---- And so it was a silent thing. The little boy inside of him finished breaking, and the tears that were flooding him became a stream and then a river. His hands trembled a little. He saw the mug of coffee upend and empty its contents upon the table—a raging brown wave of coffee sweeping throughout the wooden surface, just to fall from the edge ----a gentle river, a dried-up waterfall dripping onto the marble floor. He'd trained his sight on it, that's how he felt, a broken thing that was spilling everything out with no control. And then hands, big and calloused, enveloping his own. And it was so foreign to him that he almost laughed at the strangeness of those impossibly big hands; at the absurdity of this whole situation. 

To say that Matt was confused would not even begin to cover it. He'd been talking to Andrew, this anger-based boy, and suddenly, the waterworks had started. And it had been that strangled cry,---so low that it had been almost inaudible--- that escaped from those rosy lips that had prompted him to act. "Andrew... look at me." He started drawing sweet circles on Andrew's hands, trying to ease away some of the pain. "It's okay. You are fine. Breath with me." And his voice was somehow a little softer. Not as rough and distant as it had been before. There was something about this boy-----that made him want to ensure he was alright. 

Andrew looked at their joined hands. He hadn't had this kind of contact with anyone other than Josh in years. He usually shied away from anyone touching him. It reminded him too much of another time; when the touching had been delivered in the form of blows and ugly bruises. For a moment, he'd been shocked, the strangeness of his feelings confusing him enough to allow this small piece of kindness. But this--this---he was no coward and-- he pried his hands away from Matt's.The sudden loss of contact leaving a strange hollow crack inside his heart. "I....I....fuck. It's.." He tried smart assing him, hide behind his usual sass and defiance, to use that rage that had always sheltered him-----but there was none left to find. He looked down at his lap, trying with all his might to halt these stupid tears that seemed to have no end. He felt so lost...

Matt was not surprised Andrew had shied away. He'd been expecting it. He stood up and went to the other side of the table, gingerly sidestepping the makeshift lake of coffee that now marred his floor. He took the chair next to Andrew and sat down. "Andrew, I told you. You and I....we are cut from the same cloth." He gently nudged Andrew's hands from where he was now keeping them in a tight knot by his chest.

"What..." Andrew stuttered, looking at their entwined hands, but Matt halted him before he could form any coherent words. And it had only worked because the poor boy was so shocked at his own actions. Matt started to caress Andrew's hands gently. He must have had a lot of pain repressed inside his heart by the looks of this. But Matt did not know what had triggered this reaction, and somehow, he felt the need to find out. He felt the need to tell him---- to explain to Andrew that he, too, had been broken once, and that he was healing now. That there could be light at the end of whatever tragedy he was carrying inside his heart, "I used to go around, shielding myself in my strength, Andrew. I was in so much pain every day. I hurt and destroyed everything around me, just to get by. That was my coping mechanism. What got me through all the shit I was dealing with. That won't get you anywhere. In the end, you'll end up lonely and hurt." He assured. 

Andrew kept his sight trained on their hands. Part of him was relieved for having regained that contact; it almost felt like the only tether left for him to grasp, before falling down the impossibly steep cliff he had been finding himself in since this conversation started. And it was,-----despite himself---- quite soothing. But another part of him roared inside his head, yelling at him, telling him that this much weakness was wrong. That it started that way, and when the Trust was built, they crashed it. Just like dad had. It opened a deep gash inside of him that he had painstakingly managed to close long ago, and he'd be damned if he allowed it to fully open "I....fuck that. I don't..." he stuttered a little, the words blurring around the edges. "I am not... I..." He braiced himself for it, for the unavoidable pain he'd feel once he let go of this guy's hands, and tried to pry them away, but Matt was holding them in a tight grip. This guy... Damn this whole thing!

Matt could not resist it. Andrew reminded him so much of a younger version of himself. Pissed off at the world and feeling as if everything was against him. He enveloped him in a warm hug. "I know you are not into all that "words" business, but sometimes, talking to someone as broken as you can help," He whispered. "It's okay to allow yourself some weakness. It won't make you any less of a man, Andrew."

Andrew stilled, his whole body contracting. His mind was telling him to punch this asshole away. Who the heck did he think he was, belittling Andrew? He was strong, and he sure as fuck did not need this---under normal circumstances, he would not have crumbled like this and----this fucking thing was so unfair. Why did this have to happen? It was then when he'd heard those words. He was supposed to be strong and---sitting around and crying, had never avoided the pain before. It had only enraged his father further. He'd learned the hard way that the best way to placate those situations was to stay as still as possible and hope for the storm to pass, to shield himself in a mask of disdain and rage and survive. And yet----he'd told himself so many times that those boys who cried had no right to it, that they should endure and-----The tears kept falling down his face, an open faucet he did not know how to close, and unconsciously Andrew leaned into Matt. "Let it all out," Matt whispered, gently patting Andrew's back. "You can let it all out. I am here for you."

Andrew wanted to trash against him, to beat him up, and shout at him. His rage was there, somewhere. It was bound to be; it had always been. It had been his only friend, his made-up-raft in a sea of desperation. It felt almost outrageous for it to abandon him now. He should demand to be released from this---this----this grasp. This prison made out of muscle and----- He---" 'M, not weak," he mumbled. His voice so soft, he almost startled himself. That was not his voice. He flushed a little, now trying to hide his face on this guy's impossibly broad neck.

"I know, boy. Nobody could be weak and do as much as you've done to understand Josh," Matt replied as he held Andrew in a tight hold.

And Andrew, despite everything he'd been telling himself, despite knowing better than to trust that someone was willing to help him without reason--even for a moment-- allowed himself to let go. And all the pain and images he'd kept locked away, guarded inside his heart by a child with a fiery sword, broke their prison of rage and finished drowning him whole. 

Matthew held the boy for what felt like forever, his hands gently stroking his back. It was odd, but part of him felt like he was not only soothing Andrew, but also a younger part of himself. A piece of him that had been healing thanks to his baby boy. He'd been there before. He'd felt that pain and desperation, the need to shout and cry and end it all. So many times, it was a wonder he still stood here today. And through Andrew, he felt like that last part of his pain---that small child who'd longed so strongly for a family, a place to belong, dissipated. No more than memories carried away by the cool breeze his life had become. "You are alright," he assured, his voice so similar to the one he reserved for Joshy.----Because a long time ago, he would have wanted someone to whisper those words to him, for someone to show him that there was indeed light in this world if only you knew where to look for it. And so he held Andrew--this broken and rabid boy--because that pain, that pain he understood.

Andrew received that warmth with open arms. A big part of him shuddered at the implications of showing weakness to a total stranger, but------but right now, the memories and the pain were stronger than him. A whirlwind of grief had taken him so thoroughly; he was afraid there would be nothing left of him in the end. So he held on to this faint tether that kept him rooted here, the only thing that prevented him from being swept away by the raging tides of his memories. Those words, _"you are alright,"_ were so familiar to him, he had repeatedly whispered them on lonely nights with the sarts as the only witnesses to his tragedy. Andrew had repeated them so much, and so ferociously, that they had slurred together and lost their meaning.----- But somehow, when Matt said them------when someone else-----someone reliable and dependable----said them, he believed them. For the first time, just for a fleeting second, he did. And part of him hated himself for it. For the weakness he knew was going to backfire at some point. For needing someone else to reassure him when he knew he would wind up all alone. It had always been like that, Andrew knew, and this time-----it was not going to be any different. And that pain....that loneliness-----this time it would wreck him whole. 

And it was that last thought that made Andrew come to, shame and pain clashing inside him. He tried to wriggle away from Matt's impossibly tight hold. Matt, sensing him being uncomfortable, let go of the embrace, -----albeit reluctantly----though he did not move farther away. Andrew looked down, his hands curling into fists, the tears in his eyes had almost dried up, and he felt so small and defenseless. Damn it all! "This....'m not weak." He said, not fully believing it himself.

"I know you're not, Andrew," Matt reassured, trying to keep his hands from reaching for this boy who was so obviously in need of reassurance. He knew Andrew would not welcome any more closeness. The last thing Matt wanted to do was hurt him further. This morning he'd been too harsh, thinking Joshy was in danger. Now ------now, he did not know how he had found himself in this situation.

"Don't...Don't think I....accept this...stealing Josh. I mean....I.....I," Andrew whispered, trying to veer the conversation onto safer lands. And it was the way he had said it, that made Matt realize it. Andrew had been so mad because he thought Josh had abandoned him for someone else. The boy had been so sad and so...broken because he was afraid of being alone. Of course! It all made sense now. He had tried to understand Joshy because he genuinely cared about him; Because both of them had helped each other through their tragedies. Whatever Andrew's may be. Together. Matt could picture it, the two younger versions of them holding each other through all the pain. And for a moment, Matt wanted to curse the earth, at someone, anything... for allowing people to go through such hurtful things. He wanted to travel back in time and save them from that pain, not only for them but also for himself. For Michael and----, yes even for Robert. For what had been done to them, what had made them so....wreaked, so broken.

Matt prompted Andrew's chin up gently, staring right into his eyes. Andrew's eyes were a deep luscious emerald green, for a moment, they reminded him of Michale's eyes so much, he almost was left breathless. The boy was so beautiful and so broken. Matt's heart clenched, a yearning so deep, he needed to make sure he understood Joshy had not abandoned him. The only relief he knew Andrew would accept from him right now ... He wanted to give him, at least, that little bit of peace. "Josh is your friend. And I can see that both of you care about each other a lot, Andrew." He said, his voice as soft as molten honey poured out of a jar "This is just one of those things that are harder to tell someone you care about than a complete stranger. He's not abandoned you; he only talks about you with love, Andrew." He added, never breaking eye contact.

Andrew considered those words for a second, focusing on them instead of the whirlwind of emotions that was still coursing through him; It was true, wasn't it? At times Josh had been more distant, but he had never abandoned him, and God knows there had been moments when it would have been the sensible option, the reasonable thing to do. Josh had been a little more distant, but ..., it wasn't because he wanted to leave Andrew, but because he was trying to figure things out, just as Andrew had needed his space so many times to figure his ow shit. He noticed Matt's hand still on his chin and jerked back a little, his body trembling a little, but this time not from rage, but from the force of today's events. 

"You....you think he'll.." words, words, words, why did they have to always escape him. Fuck! He braised himself, looking for the right way to phrase this. "You think he'll be fine....If I....know this?" he asked, looking down at his hands. He did not want to make Josh sad or hurt. Not again. Not ever. He wanted to understand this and to...to help...to do something that made Josh smile. He just wanted....to be part of that happiness that grazed his best friend's life.

"You're going to have to give him time there, Andrew. But..." Matt rubbed his temples with his hand, trying to ease a little his headache "I'll talk to him. Just know that every time he's talked about you, it has always been about how good of a friend you are. Never a bad thing" He tried to reassure him of at least that because he knew it would mean a lot to someone like Andrew. 

"I still have a lot of questions, though," Andrew blurted, trying to escape from the embarrassment of it all. 

"I know you do. But let's take it one step at a time." Matt said, looking at the time. It had already been one hour, and he did not think Joshy would take kindly to being left alone for longer.

"But...Is he....alright? I mean, better now?..." Andrew mumbled because that question------somehow that was the question that mattered the most. He wanted to make sure Josh was okay, happy. Andrew needed to make sure. He owed him that much.

"He's got some tough times....but he's getting there." Matt had been steadily working on getting Joshy happy again. On making him understand that this thing they had here, tucked between the walls of their safe-haven, was alright. That there was no shame to be had in being himself, in just enjoying these moments. "I'll get him there as long as he wants me to." And it was the truth. Matt felt it deep in his bones; this thing they were creating here, was something good. Ironically, something beautiful had been born from the pain and suffering this world had thrown at them. But together, they would make a beautiful thing out of it. And the truth of it reverberated throughout his body.

And it was in the way he said it, with such love and tenderness, that Andrew understood. This guy cared about Josh. He genuinely did, and not in some twisted, perverted way, but in a real way. And somehow, that realization---of a piece of goodness in this twisted life he had been living---opened a halo of light inside him—a small ray of radiance amidst the darkness. He may not get this sort of happiness, but at least Josh was finding peace with himself. And that was already something.

Upon seeing Andrew's expression, Matt enveloped him with his arms again. Andrew was shocked for a second until he realized there were tears again flowing down his cheeks. He was crying again. When the heck had it started? "You know. For what is worth, Andrew. You can also come here anytime you need to talk to someone...I...." Andrew listened to the words, not fully believing them. Why would he offer such a thing? 

"I am here for you if you need me," Andrew just let the words sink in. A long time ago, a young boy with deep blue eyes had said the same thing—the exact same words. Andrew could still remember it as if it had happened yesterday. ------

\--------- _He'd been 12, and It had been raining. Mom had not picked him up from practice because dad had been having one of his bad days--the too much alcohol and too little restraint type of days. Josh, the only one who would notice those things, had sat by his side in front of the football field after practice. Both of them thoroughly soaked by the unrelenting rain. "You want us to drive you home?," he'd asked with that smile of his that always did strange things to Andrew's heart. Andrew had just shrugged, not really wanting to go home just yet. And of course, Josh had caught on "Or you could come home,...I mean there's this new dog my neighbor just got that's super cute. We could walk him. He asked me to the other day...." Andrew had almost laughed at the silly idea...."You know. I get things are hard at home, and...I know you don't really like to..." he'd looked down, Josh Admas lost for words that had been new. "But you know, I...I get it...And I just wanted"........."wow, man, I just...I guess I just wanted to say that I am here for you. If you need me," he'd blurted those last words. Afraid, no doubt, that it would hurt Andrew.-----------------_

It had been a tether, a safe harbor—someone who was throwing a rope to a little kid inside a dark ship that was sinking. The first rays of light amidst a storm that had been brewing since Andrew had been born. He'd cried that day, and Josh had held him, soothed him. Andrew had told him everything then. Everything Josh had been suspecting for a while. And what had been just a close friendship blossomed into something more. That day, at the age of 12, Andrew had understood the importance of relying on someone. And he had not regretted it once. Maybe now was one of those moments? But why? Why offer kindness to a total stranger. Especially one that's just barged into his home spewing threats and rage like it was nobody's business. 

"Why...?" Andrew asked now, a half sob. Because he needed to understand, surely he would not go through that much trouble just to mock him. That......that would indeed be harmful. The little kid lost amidst the waves of his heart looked up as if wanting to listen to the answer of this strange man with a soft voice.

Matt shuddered a little upon hearing those words, tightening his hold. It was odd to find two boys who reminded him so much of his past; he almost could not believe it. He understood where Andrew came from. That question----he'd asked it too, to an older man that had thrown his beliefs upside down at the age of 23. Perhaps this was his way of repaying that small kindness the universe had bestowed on him. "Because you need it. And I know what it is to suffer, to want, and not to have. I don't know what you went through, but one day you'll tell me... one day... And I'll tell you my story," he kept on rubbing circles on Andrew's back, "and maybe....just maybe, we may be able to pull all of us from all the bullshit that's happened to us. And then Andrew, we will be the ones laughing again". 

And Andrew understood. Matt's voice had broken a little around the edges; he must have gone through bullshit too then. Seeing this place, Andrew had assumed that Matt came from wealth, but perhaps not everything that sparkled was gold. And maybe that did it, or maybe he was just too broken to care----because Andrew just leaned into the embrace and allowed every bit of pain, rage, and fear he'd been repressing for years to pour out of him only for a moment. Because he was a bucket that had been filled to the brim, and now everything was spewing out.

Matt held him for a long while. Two broken boys inside a dimly lit kitchen waiting for the storm to pass......together----- Because sometimes, a vessel is not enough to sail the raging waves of life, sometimes, one may need someone else to help steer the ship to safety. And that is okay.

\----------------------

Joshy could not focus on the cartoons. He usually loved Ladybug and cat noir, but not when daddy was not close. Daddy was taking too long, and his diaper was wet. He tried to play with his fire truck; he still had to rescue Eddy from the block tower, where he was currently awaiting his help, but it was hard to stay in headspace when he was worried.

Joshy kept on glancing towards the doors that communicated the living room with the kitchen; the large wooden panels looked more like an intimidating wall than ever. He wanted daddy back soon; he did not know how long it had been, but this was no longer funny. He helped Eddy down from the block tower- which was hard because Eddy was sacred of hights and did not want to trust that Joshy would pick him up if he fell- and crawled towards the big white railing of the playpen. From his perspective, it looked so impossibly tall that the white wooden bars felt more like a prison than a safety precaution. 

Joshy tucked at the railings that concealed the door, but they would not budge. His eyes started feeling a little moist. He sat down on his bum and looked up, the gargantuan silhouette of the wooden contraction felt suddenly terrifying. _What if daddy never came back? What if he'd hurt himself and could not ask for help? What if he forgot Joshy was here?_ Part of him knew these to be ridiculous thoughts; part of him knew daddy was okay. But while on headspace, it was becoming gradually harder to rationalize facts. He tried standing up, the weight of his bulky diaper making it hard. On the third try, he managed to stand up long enough to hold on to the cold metal railing. Eddy was still clutching his hand, fully uncooperative.

He tried to unlatch the door, but it was not working, and he could not try with both hands because he was afraid he'd fall. He stood there for a second, thinking about what to do. He had no idea how to....he looked at Eddy, and the spark of an idea bloomed in his mind. He tried to reach the latch properly with Eddy, and in doing so, he lost his grip on the teddy bear and the railing and fell flat on his ass, the little bear falling face-first on the other side of the playpen.

For a moment, Joshy just blinked, too astonished to react in any other way. But after a second, the fear of being alone, the fright of having fallen, and the guilt for what had happened to Eddy took him whole, and he started crying. And there were tears, but no sound came out of him. Joshy looked at his hands, which were now resting on top of his thighs. He felt so sad and lonely. Daddy should be here, and he should not be alone, and....the tears became rivulets--- soft, gentle streams falling down his cheeks, making his vision go a little blurry. And Eddy---- Eddy was on the other side of the playpen, so he could not even hug him. What if Eddy was crying?

\----------------------------

Matt led Andrew outside, the boy looking lost in thought. This afternoon he'd been prepared to gobble him up if the need arose—anything to protect his baby boy. But upon having met Andrew---he thought he understood Joshy's need to protect this boy. Andrew Wilds was full of rage, but that rage came from a place of hurt, a place so broken he had shielded his heart against the world, in a feeble attempt to protect himself. Matt opened the outdoors metal gate, the screeching sound it made as it opened made them both cringe a little, its cold surface biting his skin.

Andrew got out, not looking at Matt at all. He seemed to be very interested in his sneakers. The boy had not said another word since Matt had released him from the hug, and the silence hung around them like a brick wall. "You.....you'll let me know....when..."Andrew stuttered.

Matt caught on and said, "Yes. When I've talked to him I'll let you know" He resisted the urged just to pick this poor boy up and cuddle with him. Somehow he thought, Andrew looked like a cute little kitten. If one were to approach too fast......Matt did not want to scare him or get scratch marks all over his face.

"But...It will....." Andrew rubbed the back of his neck, his face a little flushed "It will be soon?" He wanted to be close to Josh, and the longer it took for Matt to talk to him...

Matt repressed his urge to smile, the boy had been like a raging tornado a while ago, and now he was like a gentle breeze. Though he was sure once the shock form today's events passed, he'd go back to full throttle. "I will. Just be a little patient. It's been hard for him to allow me to see this part of himself, it..it may be a little distressing at first."

Andrew looked up and nodded. He understood, but Andrew would find out everything about this and try to understand it all. Anything to help his other half. "I'll bring...."He looked down again, shifting on his feet, "A present or...something... If he ever wants me to meet his...his other side."

Matt smiled broadly at Andrew, an expression very few people ever saw. "That would be lovely, Andrew. I'm sure that when he meets you, he'll like that".

Andrew nodded, suddenly even redder than before. Fuck! He felt strange. He got into his car, but before closing the door, he added, "If...if he seems like....If he doesn't look like he'll be okay with me knowing..." he trailed off, unsure how to continue.

Matt reached for the car and placed his hands on the opened door, looking directly at Andrew, "It may take him a while, but he'll be okay. You are the only friend he's talked to me about. Everything will be fine," he said, trying to ease off those fears, he knew his baby boy, it would be hard, but Joshy would understand. Maybe not for someone else, but for Andrew...

Andrew looked up at this man he had wanted to throttle a while ago, and for some reason, his mouth curved up. A small smile, like a scared little animal ready to flee. "Thank you, for.....shit!...Well, just....thanks," Andrew mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck.

Matt beamed but tried to conceal his smile."Drive safe, Andrew." He said as he closed the door, all too aware of Andrew's slight blush. The car started, and he saw the boy drive away, a small part of him feeling a little sad.

\-----------------------

Andrew had surprised him; the boy was so much like him that it almost felt as if they were related. He did not know what he'd gone through in his life, but one thing was clear, Matt wanted to help him out. He would have to talk to Joshy, but not Today ----- Today had been exhausting enough. He crossed the lobby and went towards the living room, opening the doors in one swift motion.

His eyes fell directly on his baby boy, the light of his life. Joshy was-----he was crying----he dashed towards him, opening the rail of the playpen and picking him up so fast, his head whirled for a second. Joshy immediately latched onto him, like an overgrown koala, clutching daddy's neck with all his might. "What happened, sweetie?" Matt asked anxiously. A cold dread was settling over him. _What had made his baby boy cry?_

As if coming to after a shock, Joshy's cries, which had been silent a moment ago, became a full-on wailing. The poor boy shook from the force of it. "Eddy addy," Joshy mumbled in between sobs. Matt did not understand; Eddy had done this? how? "Addy.....E...Eddy," Johsy wailed, pointing with his finger towards-----Oh, the teddy bear was laying face down on the floor beside Matt's shoe. He picked it up, carefully keeping hold of his baby boy. He cleaned it up a little with his hands and handed it to Joshy, who took it eagerly and hid against the crook of daddy's neck. 

"What happened, little monkey? Did you hurt yourself?" He had not even had time to inspect him for any bruises. Matt went towards the couch and sat down with him on his lap. 

Joshy burrowed further into Matt's embrace, taking in the warmth he had missed so much. "Addy mean" he proclaimed, a half-whisper. 

Matt chuckled, patting Joshy's hair gently. " Daddy is such a meany with his little tiger. Were you feeling lonely, baby boy?"

Joshy nodded, his eyes half-closed now. Matt squeezed him tighter, feeling the warmth of this boy, who had rocked his world so troughly in so little time. 

"I'm sorry, sweetie" Matt started rocking Joshy gently. "Daddy lost track of time," he began gently brushing Joshy's tears away with his hand. The little boy opened his eyes a little, a speck of ocean was now staring up at Matt. "You are okay, baby boy. Daddy is here now". 

Joshy looked him up, still a little sad. He clutched his hand on daddy's t-shirt and very softly said, "On't leave me." Matt's heart cracked a little. These two boys, best friends, were so broken, he made a mental note of finding out everything that had happened to them. He needed to know if he was to help them.

Matt carefully maneuvered his baby boy until he was straddling him, and looking in his eyes directly, said, "Daddy will never leave you, sweetie. Sometimes daddy may have to be gone for a little while, but I will never leave you. Never. You know why, sweetie?".

Joshy looked a little lost now, still red-eyed and clutching daddy's shirt to make sure he wouldn't leave again. "Because you are my family now. And I don't abandon family. Especially cute little boys with blue eyes. Do you know any? Someone really cute and blond....," he added. Joshy giggled a little at that, pointing at himself. "That's right, baby boy. You and I against the world" He hugged Joshy tighter now, relishing in the small smile he'd seen his baby make. Joshy burrowed into the embrace, content to be back in his spot, and asked, "pwomise?" 

"I promise, baby boy," Because he knew that it mattered to him. And the amount of love he felt for this little boy he had found on a dark night online---he almost could not believe it himself. For so long, he'd felt like he'd never have a family again. Now-- now he had Joshy, and that happiness almost erased all the pain from the events of this week. "I love you, sweet boy," he mumbled into Joshy's soft hair. 

"Ove you too, addy," Joshy mumbled into daddy's arms.

\------------------------------------------------

Inside a large office building in Manhattan, a tall, dark-haired man with broad shoulders peered outside his window at the concrete jungle that he had established as his home, long ago and out of spite. Thousands of flickering lights illuminated the scenery in a way that reminded him of a long-forgotten dream he'd had as a child; when being inside an office as big as the one he was standing in, had been nothing more than a child's hope. Now he was all that he had envisioned those lonely nights and more. There was just one thing missing.....Perhaps the most essential piece of his puzzle.

Ronald and Jack dragged a bound man into the office; the gray-haired man was trashing against them, trying with all his might to release himself from his predicament; his usually pristine suit was in tatters, splattered with mud and some red-tinged stains all over. Robert Dawn turned around, inspecting the terrified man as one would a particularly amusing dog. A cold, calculating look making the harsh planes of his face look almost statuesque. "We brought him in, sir," Jack said, not looking his boss in the eyes.

"I can see that, Jack. Why, pray tell, is he in such a deplorable condition? Did I not ask you to treat our esteemed guest with as much care as his distinguished position calls for?" Robert sat down on his leather chair, his lips curling up around the edges, a mischievous glint shining on his eyes. Death incarnated. Two of the three men in front of him paled a little. Not Ronald, never him.

"We...we.." Jack stuttered, but Ronald interrupted him. "He made it hard. Would not cooperate, sir" Ronald...Ronald, ever the direct man. Looking more amused than vexed by the transgression, Robert signaled for them to make the man sit in one of the chairs opposite his desk. "Such sad news.....It will do, I suppose. Try not to stain my chairs too much. It's imported leather," That dark glint to his eyes sparkled some, a predator playing with his prey, "Well, well, Thomas. Isn't it nice to meet again?" He asked a little too sweetly. "Ohh, do excuse me; sometimes I forget my manners" With a flick of his finger, he motioned for Jack to ungag him.

When the gag was finally out, the man sputtered and gasped for air, almost choking from the clash of fear and rage. "That's much better," Robert purred. A lover's voice had always been his trademark; poor Jack took an involuntary step back.

"Now boys, leave us. Poor Thomas here, and I have a very long conversation ahead of us." 

Jack turned to go, a relieved expression on his face, but Ronald did not move "Sir..." he looked at his boss in the eye. -----Sweet daring Ronald, always amusing to have him around, Robert supposed; it was an exciting day, the one when one of his boys did not obey his orders at once "Yes...deary?" He crooned, lifting his eyebrows a little.

"With all due respect, sir,...."Ronald started, his gaze showing real concern, "I don't think it's a good idea for both of us to leave you alone with...."He signaled to the now un-gaged man, who looked for all the world like he was going to vomit.

"Don't worry, Ronald. I hardly doubt he can do much in his current state" Ronald was about to cut in... when Robert added, "That will be all, wait for me in the car," 

Ronald's hands clenched into fists, his lip twitching a little, but after a second, he turned around and left. 

Robert stood up and went towards his liquor cabinet, smartly placed in front of the windows overlooking the skyline. He took two tumblers and poured some of his best gin into them, a sweet little thing with a price tag nearing absurdity. Robert gingerly brought both glasses back to his desk and settled one in front of Thomas, fully aware that the man's arms were still bound to his back. He observed him more attentively now, taking a sip of the richly scented liquor. How harsh must life have treated poor sweet Thomas, for him to look so....so disheveled? Distaste settled on his angelic features. "Sorry for the theatrics, but I needed to talk to you quite urgently. You know," he moved his finger about as if to say, "things happen." "And I'm sure you would not have come otherwise," he purred. 

Thomas spat on the table, "How can you have changed so much, Roberto." He stated, his hands trembling behind his back. He could still remember the three little boys running around the orphanage. How had one of his own boys turned into something like this....It was something Thomas Whitelaw did not know.

"Do.Not.Call. Me.That!" Robert spat, gripping the table hard. His carefully arranged mask of civility already discarded. The bound man paled, plunging farther into his chair as if trying to get away from this monster clad in expensive suits and beautiful features. 

Robert regained his composure quite fast, though. "See! You always bring the best in me, dear Thomas. Let's not forget that it was thanks to you that I lost Matthew. You wouldn't want to go to the never after without making things right?" He crooned, lifting his tumbler. An implied threat and a promised of death if Thomas did not cooperate. That impossible rage was still there, Thomas could tell, it had been there even when Robert had been a tear-stained child running after Matthew. If only he'd known then......A shiver ran down his spine. 

Robert went to take another sip of his glass, paused, and looking at Thomas from beneath lowered eyebrows, added, "Now, tell me. Who is this marvelous little bastard that wants to testify against me for your firm....I've heard the most fascinating tale, you know" He deposited the glass on the wooden desk, moved in front of his desk, mere inches away from his captive guest, and leaned forward, adding with a hint of amusment, " Is it true that you, my dear, helped deary Michael that day? After all the trouble I went to put him to rest when he tried to steal Mathew from me...." he allowed a small pause and then added, " Don't look so pale. I'm a good boy, don't you remember. Actually" he said, getting a little closer to the bound man, "I'll giver you a choice, You can tell me the nice way or the hard way. It’s your choice" he added chirpily. 

Thomas paled, a small bead of sweat descending the side of his forehead. His hands shook so much that the rope bit into his skin, and he utterly regretted having eaten anything for lunch, the contents of his stomach fighting to be released. He knew it was all bluff, Robert wasn't giving him a choice at all. So, mustering as much courage as he could, he spat on the man's expensive-looking pants.

Robert laughed, and somehow the image reminded Thomas of a painting he'd seen last year on his trip to Madrid "el Bosco, el Jardin de las Delicias", a demon from hell starring at him, wicked amusement dancing on his features. 

Crouching to be at eye level with Thomas, Robert whispered, "I thought you knew better than that. I guess the hard way then."

Thomas swallowed hard, a lump forming n his throat. He just hoped Susan could relay his message to Matt; otherwise------they were all fucked.


	12. CHAPTER 12: OLD FRIENDS, NEW FRIENDS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry for the long wait. I've struggled a lot with this chapter. I have outlined the whole story, but this chapter is just too charged with feelings and insecurities. It's layered with the broken pieces of two people who love too hard and it kinda overwhelmed me for a while.
> 
> WARNING: DO NOT READ IF THIS TRIGGERS YOU Here we see Andrew and josh's first meeting, and I tried very hard to get into their mindsets to make it as true to life as possible.
> 
> It turns out Andrew and Joshy had a heck of a journey to navigate to get where they had to for this chapter. I've tried to make it as realistic as possible, and I hope it reads nicely. We still have some chapters to come, the rest won't be this long, I promise 🙏
> 
> As always comments and suggestions are welcomed. As I said, I hope I've done justice to their feelings. Let me know what you think,
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> Nami Dargnel 💖

The moonlight filtered through Matt's bedroom windows, illuminating the room in a white-bluish hue that fell softly upon the queen size bed at its center. Matt sauntered towards the bed, carrying a very sleepy Joshy on his arms. His little tiger was still clutching Eddy's paw with all his might, the plushy bumping against Matt's back with every step. Matt had promised Joshy that he could sleep with daddy tonight, and he was not going to break his word, not when the little boy had looked so distressed this evening. Matt gently settled Joshy on the bed, and upon making contact with the soft mattress, Joshy's diaper made a crunching sound. Joshy opened his eyes a fraction, looked sleepily to both sides, and gleaning where he was, leaned back against daddy's shoulder with a contented sigh. Matt chuckled, adorable fell short to describe Joshy these days. When Matt guided his head to the pillow, Joshy stirred again, "Addy..." he whined, his pacifier bobbing. 

"Yes, sweety?" Matt asked, and there was exhaustion, but also love etched on his features. The moonlight seeping in through the windows illuminated the harsh planes of his face in a way that brought out his high cheekbones and accentuated his lips, now twitching slightly upward. Joshy smiled behind his pacifier, he loved how the light reflected on daddy's eyes, making them sparkle. Joshy felt his heart flutter, leaving a warm fuzzy feeling behind. He had learned that he could allow his walls to fall down around him. That it was okay to fully immerse himself in his little side because daddy would never judge him. And so, basking in the surety of that knowledge, he burrowed further into the soft pillow and planted a big pacified kiss to Eddy's furry cheek --Eddy like to pretend he didn't like kisses, but he never stopped Joshy when he tried to give him one--. Then looking at daddy from behind the cover of Eddy's fur, he mumbled, "seepy. Ove you addy." 

Matt chuckled and leaned over him, gently patting his baby's hair. "You can sleep now, sweety. Daddy loves you too." Joshy faded into the touch, sighing in relief and clutching poor Eddy harder. Joshy had had a tough week, just like daddy, and it seemed that both of them needed some well-earned rest. Matt checked his baby's diaper before tucking him in, making sure it was still dry, the crinkling material arousing a familiar sound that always made him smile. Joshy was getting more and more into headspace, and if Matt didn't check his diaper multiple times a day, he'd end up leaking. His heart clenched remembering how yesterday, he'd been preparing Joshy's lunch in the kitchen when a very distressed little boy had crawled in and looped his arms around daddy's legs. Matt had thought he was just playing, but upon seeing tears on those beautiful eyes, and the small puddle of yellowish liquid marring the floor, he'd understood. Matt had to be extra careful to avoid any leaking. 

Matt patted Joshy's bum softly one last time and placed a feather-light kiss on his forehead, ruffling his blond locks, which were getting a little too long. He should get Joshy to the hairdresser for a trim when he was in "big headspace." Perhaps he should get a double appointment, he thought, combing a hand through his own hair, now skimming against his forehead. 

Having tucked his baby in, Matt padded towards the bathroom, stretching his arms to shake some of the soreness off. All those hours sitting down sorting through papers were beginning to take a toll on him. He took his shirt off, noticing that his little tiger's drool had claimed a spot on the fabric, and smiled. Today had been a hard day, and honestly, he was glad it was coming to an end. But if there was one thing that made him want to smile, no matter how dark the day got, was thinking about Joshy and how comfortable he was getting around him. Gone were the days when he was self-conscious around daddy. Now it was all smiles and giggles, and Matt lived for it. The dark clouds of his life had started to dissipate, revealing the brilliant sun hidden behind.

Still smiling broadly, Matt turned the shower on full blast. While waiting for it to warm, he finished undressing, discarding his clothes on a heap by the tub. He stood in front of the full-body mirror, completely naked, his gaze fixed on that faint scar marring the skin on his chest, two silvery lines crisscrossing on his pectoral.----- A reminder of who he'd been a long time ago. It had been a while since he'd allowed himself to dwell on those memories. He usually skimmed through them when he was building Robert's case, and shut them down the rest of the time, too scared to examine them any further... today, talking to Andrew, he had not been able to contain them anymore. They had opened a crack inside him that had them spilling everywhere with abandon. It had been a raging tsunami laying waste to the shore of a long-forgotten town where he'd been standing.....And those images.....those dreadful images had drowned him whole. A Matt that had been battling against the raging currents of a ruthless sea.

Andrew's fierceness had been a reminder. Long ago, he'd been like that too. He'd wanted to protect the two people that had meant the most to him. Michale and Robert. They had been the other two pieces of his puzzle, his family when he'd had none to call his own. They had become the only thing that had prompted him to keep moving, fighting.....And perhaps that had been what had laid the foundations of his downfall. Matt understood Andrew----he knew what it was to care about someone else as much, if not more than you care about yourself. Andrew-----the poor boy would do anything for Josh, Matt had been sure from the moment he'd seen the blond guy stare daggers at him, promising brutality if Joshy wasn't alright...... Matt had almost chuckled at his ferocity. Andrew had been afraid of Matt, some primal part of him must have been roaring at him to flee, but the boy had stood his ground, and that-------that meant something. It was perhaps the biggest reason why he'd given the boy the benefit of the doubt in a matter that was so close to Matt's heart. 

Matt combed a scarred hand through his hair, brownish locks falling down his forehead, skimming the skin above his eyebrows. He'd been so young when he'd asked for Thomas's help, the only reliable person he'd known. It had been a fool's hope, Matt had marched into that office with absolutely no idea what would happen. He could still remember the deafening roaring in his ears, drowning everything out, the coppery taste of blood in his mouth, the bitter tang of sweat clinging to his clothes as he strode through the creaky wooden floors of Perringtong Orphanage. That day, covered in filth and blood, he'd marched into Thomas's office out of desperation. Not fully knowing who to turn to, lost amidst his own grief after having heard----------heard those terrible news. Michael had been killed, and he-----he hadn't had a kernel of hope left. He'd been shattered completely when he'd found out who had killed him. Yet somehow, that day had been the turning point in Matt's life, the beginning of a new chapter. The day he'd left behind his old ways, to start anew.

Steam started to coat the bathroom in its dreamy haze, fogging the mirror in its entirety. Big droplets of water racing down its length, pooling on the tiled floor, just to be swept away by the drains located along the wall's edge. When Matt could not see his reflection anymore, he stalked towards the shower. Now he had to finish what had started long ago. He needed to make sure Robert could not hurt anyone else, ever again. 

Matt stepped into the shower, the water immediately easing off some of the strain in his muscles. He sighed, a deep contented sigh of pure relief, as he allowed the water to fully envelop him, to cascade down his muscled body, dipping into every ridge, nook, and cranny of his scarred-honed frame. Forming silvery rivers that flowed all the way down, down, down, only to dissipate in a whirlpool of white foam, carrying some of Matt's exhaustion with it. With every email answered, every phone call made, every dead end he faced on Robert's case, It had been piling up, like snow atop a worn-out roof, threatening to make it come undone. And the fact that they were so close to finishing Robert...rage surged through him, painting everything a dark red, Matt punched the tiled wall in front of him, wincing at the pain that erupted on his fist. If only Thomas would give him the damned green light to speak to the witness, whoever the guy was-----if only Matt could convince him to testify...

He needed to find who this secret witness was before Robert did. He just did not know why Thomas would go to such lengths to hide him. It had been stupid, he knew, taking on this case. He'd known from the very beginning what he was working against and who he'd have to face eventually......but the need to stop him.....to kill the monster his once lover had become.....it had been greater than him. Matt needed to erase that part of his past once and for all. If only because it was his only way to bring some light into all the darkness he had helped conceive. If only to bring some peace to Michael's soul.

Still wincing slightly, Matt got out of the shower. He dried himself up, and wrapping the white towel around his hips, he padded towards the mirror. He opened the cabinet below the sink and retrieved some ointment. He carefully applied it to his marred hand, cursing aloud when the damned thing sent bolts of fire running through his fist. Once done, he expertly wrapped a bandage around his knuckles and padded towards the bedroom. 

The windows were opened, the white gossamer curtains billowing gently in the warm summer breeze, carrying in the rich scent of roses and lavender from the garden. His gaze fell upon the little boy currently splayed like a starfish on his bed, his pacifier resting by the pillow. Matt laughed despite the memories that were still tugging at the edges of his mind. He carefully nudged Joshy to the side, replacing the blue pacifier on his lips with a gentle nudge of his fingers. Joshy latched on and started sucking sleepily, and it was all Matt could do not to melt at the sight. He smiled down at his baby boy, his eyes simmering with a love he'd never thought he'd find again. 

He'd do it, face Robert and all he had done those days, unearth everything he had buried inside the darkest part of himself, even if it destroyed him. If only because now-----now he had someone in his life-----someone he wanted to protect more than anything. He placed a very protective hand on his baby's cheek, relishing in the softness, the firmness of that beautiful skin, and sighed—a smile blooming anew. Joshy, as if imitating daddy even in his sleep, sighed too, and Matt chuckled. Yes------for Joshy and for himself, he'd right the wrong that had been done years ago; for Joshy, he'd face the man that had upended his life, wrecking it whole. He'd do it one time and a thousand if necessary. Because now------now he really did have a reason to keep on fighting. He just hoped he could do it without giving in to that beast that still lay buried deep within himself. Because that-------that was something he'd promised himself he'd never do again. The memory of a star kissed night, and a big oak tree spurted to life, a tombstone bathed in the moonlight with only two words engraved on it " _Beloved Brother."_ He pushed it down. It would not do to lose himself to that memory again.

Matt slumped on the bed, the towel around his hips rode a little lower, revealing the dips on his hard muscles, the shadow of his harsh v line that disappeared inside a sea of fabric. He rubbed his temples, the exhaustion coming back full force. Everything was going to work in the end, it had to. He'd been fighting tooth and nail to dig everything he could on Robert, it was merely a matter of time, he told himself. A bluish light snapped him out of his thoughts, his sight falling to the bedside table, where his phone was currently charging. He hadn't checked it all day, what with Joshy and Andrew being around. He groaned at the idea of checking it now, he could ignore it until tomorrow....it was kind of late, and he was tired...but.....responsibility. He was supposed to be responsible. He picked it up, the screen unlocking immediately when face id recognized him. A Cold dread settled on his stomach at what appeared on the screen.

There were twenty missed calls from the office and ten from Susan's personal phone, along with way too many messages urging him to contact the office as soon as possible. That was odd, Susan was a very pragmatic woman, there was no way she'd be that insistent for no reason. A buzzing sound roared in his ears, vanishing the exhaustion only to replace it by a familiar cold calm that he knew always followed the storm. A whole world of horrible scenarios started to play on his mind, each one worst than the last. Something had to have happened, and something bad enough that merited this much insistence. His hands started to shake, but he willed himself to calm down, clutching the phone in his hands so hard, his hands hurt. Whatever had happened would require for him to be calm. Matt ignored the messages and pressed his finger to Susan's latest missed call.

Susan Thorn--- Matt's friend and fellow lawyer--- picked up on the first beep as if she'd been hanging onto the phone, waiting for Matt to call, "Matthew....thank God.." she breathed, her voice raspy.

" What happened?" Matt queried, standing up and making his way to the hallway. He absolutely did not want to wake up his baby boy. 

"I've been calling you for over an hour...." She roared, her voice breaking on the edges. "What the hell have you been doing?" 

Matt groaned, rubbing his temples with his other hand while he made his way to the library. The scent of wood and paper welcomed him as he slumped on his leather chair, already exhausted from whatever problem she was going to relate to him. "I've been busy" he groaned, a little more viciously than he'd intended. 

"Matthew...Thomas....he...," the line went silent for so long that Matthew wondered if the call had ended "Thomas is missing, someone snatched him up while he was leaving the office..." She blurted, "he didn't even have time to open his car...Matthew....he....." She started crying, panic evident in her every word. "The footage shows two men....and......and.......they hit him in the head with something.....Matthew....".

Matt went still. For a moment, a terrible cold swiped over him, his muscles clenching from the force of it. A beast ready to pounce. A preternatural instinct to fight roaring in his very bones. Robert had finally made his move. Hearing Susan sobs on the phone, made him come back from his own thoughts. "Susan...calm down." He commanded, his voice tight, a leader ready to lead "and tell me exactly what happened."

\---------------------------------

Half an hour later, Matthew was still pacing the library's length. He knew where this was going. Had told Thomas this would happen, that they had to get that witness of his to testify and fast if they wanted to have a chance against Robert. But of course....he filled a glass with two fingers of bourbon, the scent wafting upwards in a compelling way. It was aged wood, and earthy spice, with the slightest hint of cherry and caramel. A scent so familiar to him, it almost made him sigh in relief. It never failed to take him back to an old library with creaky wooden floors and a mahogany desk very much like the one that reigned over his own; it sang to him the story of his boss, the man who'd given him a chance when none other would have. Thomas had believed in him, even with everything pointing against Matthew. He had believed enough to give him a chance, and that small mercy had been the spark of light that had upturned his life so completely. And now he was in Roberts's clutches........Matt pressed a hand to his forehead, the headache beginning to bloom anew, and sighed.

He looked down at his glass, the honey-colored liquid beckoning him to drown all this bullshit in its bittersweet depths; to swirl and swirl with it, until the drunken stupor took him somewhere far, where all his problems evaporated like mist come sunlight. He resisted the urge to do just that and slumped down on one of the leather chairs by the fireplace, the material groaning under his weight. Robert must have found out who this mysterious witness was, and he was probably taking matters into his own hands. Just like Matt had warned them he would... He sighed again, drowning the contents of his glass in one go, its mouth-coating aftertaste, burning his throat momentarily—a respite amidst this storm that was brewing on the horizon-. He poured himself another glass.

Susan wanted him to rush to the office immediately, but------no, there was nothing they could do right now. They had known the dangers of going after Robert, all of them had agreed to take the risk. She'd told him that they had not alerted the authorities yet, they had been waiting for Matt to decide how to proceed. Which was smart. Dealing with Robert would take far more than a court order. The bastard was smart enough to cover his tracks; after all, his brains were the reason he'd been able to carve a dark-throne for himself. Matt would go to the office tomorrow, and he'd make sure Thomas was okay. Which brought about the problem of what to do with Joshy. He did not want to make his baby boy suffer through this, and he was not sure Joshy was ready to go back to his adult mindset, especially if the events of this week were to be accounted for. Not that he'd want him far away, with Robert on the lose, better for him to stay as close to Matt as possible.

Matt sighed for what must have been the twentieth time in the past half an hour. He needed to form a plan, but his mind was reeling with too many possibilities he did not want to consider. His body still trembled from that contained rage.....rage at Robert for trying to destroy his life... at Thomas, for not having heeded his words the other day.... at himself for not having foreseen this, for not having pressed his boss harder on it. Of all people, Matt should have seen this coming. He knew Robert--- knew how twisted and-----and cruel he could be when he wanted something......or someone in this case. But still, Matt knew him better than no one, and he was sure he would not harm Thomas. Not when he could get all the information he wanted from him and send a message to Matt at the same time. It was Matt he wanted after all.

Pragmatism, he had to look at every side and find the best way to proceed. So with one last groan of exhaustion, he stood up, refastening the towel around his hips a little tighter, and reaching for his phone now resting on top of his mahogany desk. First things first, he had to talk to Joshy, but he had a hunch Joshy would not want to get out of headspace. So, just in case, Matt dialed the number of the only person he thought could help........

\------------------------------------------------

Andrew wilds, "tough guy professional," was shaking so hard he thought there might be an earthquake taking place. His heart was beating wildly inside his chest, and the palms of his hands were so sweaty it was a wonder he had been able to drive all the way here. He was waiting inside his car in front of Matt's house, drumming his fingers against the battered steering wheel of his old Ford Fiesta. That annoying dashboard light flickered for the millionth time, and he was quite tempted to punch it into oblivion. When it flickered again, Andrew did indeed hit it, the panel trembling with the force of it. The light flickered once more, then stopped .......just to resume a second later. He groaned. _Taunting him, he thought, the damn car was taunting him!_

When Matt had called asking if he would be up to meet Joshy, his heart had almost stopped in his chest. It had literally somersaulted three times, he was sure of it. He'd fucking felt it. Andrew had smoked a whole pack of cigarettes in his haste to calm down, and when that had not been enough, he'd raided his fridge, drowning an entire package of beers in less than an hour. Apparently, Matt had to go work on something and Joshy----- _Josh, damn it!_ He'd never get used to it------- was unwilling to get out of headspace. Or he couldn't-----or something like that. Andrew was still not sure how it all worked, just that Josh would feel bad if he had to cope with being in "adult mindset" as Matt had called it. 

So after passing out drunk and waking up with a splitting headache, Andrew had taken some Tylenol and driven to the mall at nine pm sharp. He blushed, remembering the whole thing. Andrew had been perusing the child's isle when a young clerk had decided to point out how cute it was for a young boy to be looking for a present for a younger sibling. Andrew had flushed like a tomato and had almost bolted out of there. But ------he did not want to meet Josh---Joshy------ fuck! Josh--- empty-handed. It wasn't only because he wanted to make a good impression--- _on someone he'd known all his life, the strangeness of it all!_ -, but because he knew both of them would need something to fix their attention on, something to push the awkwardness down. Andrew brought his nails to his mouth and started to gnaw at them, drawing some blood, its coppery taste a familiar refuge amidst the stormy waters he was navigating. Hopefully, this would not end in a massive meltdown, at least he hoped it wouldn't. On a good day, Andrew was bad with feelings, on a bad one...

Andrew planned to give the plushy to Joshy, that was if he dared to.........if Joshy even wanted him to...He would be in front of his damned crush, the hottest boy on earth, while said crushed wore a fucking diaper. Andrew flushed, looking down at the passenger seat, where a cute white bunny with a small bow on its neck, sat peacefully staring forward. It had taken Andrew twenty minutes, half a roll of lace, and most of the curse worse he knew, to add that bow. He'd kept on untying it when it looked like shit, just to make an even bigger mess the next time around. And Andrew still did not know why he had thought the bow was necessary. He sighed, clutching the steering wheel with all his might, his fingers going white from the effort. 

Andrew had been researching a hell of a lot but,-------but he had not thought he'd meet Joshy so soon. He'd been prepared to endure months of wondering if today was the day when Matt would call......tell him to come and meet Joshy. He'd been bracing for months of having to pretend he didn't know anything. Andrew rubbed his temples, trying to ease some of that awful headache that threatened to make his head explode. A myriad of thoughts sped through his mind, each one more harrowing than the last. What if Josh felt like Andrew was mocking him? Or if he regretted being Andrew's friend? What if he lost it and cried? Andrew had not seen Josh cry since that day his father had left, and he did not know if he'd be able to take seeing it again. It had been an excruciating day, the one he'd had to pick up the broken pieces of his best friend. That day, Andrew had tried to be the stronger one for once but seeing those tears pool in Josh's eyes..... It had been a total disaster. Josh had ended up having to bring Andrew out of a panic attack, be the strong one again, and Andrew had felt like the worst friend ever. He did not want a repeat of that day. Not ever.

There was also the matter of how did one take care of an overgrown baby? Could he even? The embarrassment.....And Matt, the guy had seen Andrew at his weakest, there had been no barries left when Andrew had walked out of that house. He still wasn't sure if they were up again. He felt strange, foreign----- almost as if he'd forgotten how he used to shield himself against the world. It was all still too raw. Too vulnerable. He did not know if he'd be able to look the guy in the eye, and Andrew did not like that feeling. He figured he was feeling weird because everything was too recent. At least Andrew hoped so. If he could not find that fiery rage that had always accompanied him-----, he did not know how the fuck he'd survive in this world. 

Andrew fished his phone out of his pocket and checked the time for the tenth time that morning. It was nine fifty-two. Matt had told him to arrive at ten because he had to leave at around eleven, and he wanted to be there for their first meeting. Andrew, being as restless as ever, had woken up extra early, and after buying the plushy, had arrived at Matt's house at precisely half-past nine, which was absurd, because Andrew was never on time, let alone early.

He took a cigarette out of his pack of smokes, and with trembling hands, lit it, taking a long deep puff. The smoke curled inside his mouth, swirling down his throat, filling up his lungs to then exit in a big white cloud. He opened the window to let it fly out, the smoke swirling out in thin serpentine patterns. It was going to be okay, they would figure it out. This was Josh, and Andrew was not sure of a lot of things in his life, but if there was something he was sure of, was that Josh and him could take whatever bullshit came at them. Together. Because this thing they had, whatever it was, mattered. He had to trust that what connected them, the only good thing in Andrew's life, wasn't going to break. Because if that ever happened....he shuddered, blinking a few times. _No, positive thinking!_

_Positive. Fucking. Thinking._

............................................

The intercom buzzed through the house, a soft tolling sound that echoed on the high concrete walls, startling a whine out of Joshy. He was perched on daddy's hip, trying to hide his face on his shoulder as much as possible. Andrew knew everything, daddy had told him, and Joshy, after having panicked for the better part of last night, had calmed down enough to allow daddy to explain. He'd been sobbing and shaking so hard his body still bore the faint shadows of it. It had been a long night, and he still was not entirely sure this was a good idea. Addy was making his way towards the entrance, and upon seeing the big wooden doors, a shiver ran through Joshy's spine, his eyes watering. What if his best friend thought him a freak? A weirdo who could not cope if he was not clad in a diaper? What if he laughed at him? Or worst, hated him? Josh did not know if he could take that. Not from Andrew. Daddy had reassured him that Andrew was alright with it, that he'd explained everything, and that nothing terrible would happen. That Andrew had wanted to meet him, pressed daddy to meet him, even...but...but....even if that was true, how was he supposed to act in front of him. Joshy wanted addy and not this.....this.......he tried to wriggle away from addy's arms, suddenly feeling like he was going to vomit. A roaring sound started in his ears, and everything was spinning out of control.

"Shhh, it's gonna be okay, sweety. Do you trust daddy?" Matt prompted, gently bouncing Joshy for reassurance.

When he figured out daddy wasn't putting him down, Joshy made a tiny whine and burrowed into daddy's neck. "Andrew is gonna be an amazing friend. Daddy would never let anyone hurt you. You know that, right?" Joshy half-nodded, his hands still trembling.

The truth was, Matt was also anxious, mainly because he would not be there for their first interaction, not entirely. Yesterday, after Susan's disturbing call regarding Robert's case, he'd asked Joshy if he'd be okay coming out of headspace, but after nearly one hour of crying, he'd understood that no. He would not. He had no choice but to trust Andrew. When he'd called the boy, and the poor thing had almost crumbled from the nerves, Matt had found himself trying to reassure both Joshy and Andrew. He'd been thrown amidst two raging sees, being swept away by their strong tides, and it had only been his adept abilities at solving conflicts that had allowed him to walk out of it unscathed.

"Addy.." Joshy mumbled, his eyes sparkling with unshed tears. Matt looked at his baby boy. It had been hard having to explain to him that Andrew knew everything in such a haste. Damned Robert for forcing his hand in this. His body trembled, his teeth grounding. "Addy..."Joshy whispered again, his voice trembling. Matt snapped out of it, looking at his beautiful boy, his rage taking second place once again. 

"It's okay, baby boy. Daddy is gonna through this with you. I am here for you, sweetie." Matt caressed Joshy's cheek, "If you feel really uncomfortable, even for a moment, you have to tell daddy, okay, baby boy?" Joshy nodded, his lip boobing a little. The poor boy looked so scared that Matt's heart clenched for him. This was precisely what he'd dreaded, to have to put Joshy through something that so obviously pained him. Damned this situation! When he found Robert.....he clenched his hand, steeling himself. 

Seeing daddy's expression turn darker, Joshy muttered, "soowy."

Not understanding where that was coming from, Matt hugged him harder and asked, "Why, baby? you've done nothing wrong." 

"Oshy.....Oshy not strong enough to....big...now" And it was the way he said it that made Matt react. He sounded so defeated. His voice a shadow of the lovely lulling sound Matt had come to love. He pressed his baby closer against him, halting midway through the hallway. "Sweetie, what did daddy say? You don't have to apologize for anything. Daddy wants you to be you. If my little tiger needs to stay as my little tiger for longer......," he pressed a kiss to Joshy's hair, "my sweet baby boy can stay as my sweet baby boy longer. Daddy won't ever force you to do anything you don't want to do."

Joshy clung to daddy, burrowing further into his embrace, his body still quivering slightly. He basked in the scent of daddy, honey and pine, strong and soothing. Matt was the only one who understood him like that. Understood that headspace sometimes took Joshy whole and breaking out of it suddenly would hurt more than Joshy would be able to handle. 

Matt placed a kiss to his baby's cheek, a gentle feather-touch of his lips upon his warm skin. A question. _Do you trust daddy?_ Joshy understood and nodded gravely, wiping his tears sloppily with his hand while still clutching Eddy's paw. If daddy needed him to be strong, he'd be strong. 

Matt smiled at him and wiped the rest of his tears, going for the door as he held Joshy even tighter. "You ready, brave boy?" He queried, because if Joshy wasn't......he'd find another way, to hell with everything. But Joshy nodded solemnly, hiding against daddy's neck. A surge of pride coursed through Matt. They would get through this. Matt squeezed Joshy tighter, and with one gentle movement, opened the door. 

..............................................

Andrew clutched the fluffy white bunny with his right hand, standing still in front of Matt and a very shy little Josh. He could feel his heart thumping loudly in his chest. Joshy was perched on Matt's hip, hiding his face on the crook of Matt's neck, a slight flush coloring his cheeks a light pink. Andrew's cheeks mirrored that flush. To someone like Andrew, who had known Josh for so long, it was incredibly odd that even being six foot two and one of the toughest guys he'd ever met, Joshy still managed to appear small, wrapped in Matt's protective embrace. The contrast did not escape him one bit.

"Good morning Andrew," Matt said, tightening his hold on Joshy. The little boy lifted Eddy up to cover his face some more, his eyes scrunched shut. Matt could still feel Joshy's body shaking, his warm skin clammy where the clothes did not cover. 

"Mm....M...Morning" Andrew stuttered, looking down and feeling every heartbeat loudly pounding inside his chest. Suddenly the impossible task that loomed ahead seemed impossible. Standing there, in front of Josh, looking so at odds with his usual countenance.......Andrew gulped. There was a part of him that wanted to reach out and hug his best friend; to tell him that everything was alright and that he understood; another part of him wanted to shove the bunny on his face and bolt from the spot, but another part....a smaller one.. felt.....odd. That was the only word to describe it. Upon seeing Joshy, he'd felt a slight tug on his heart, and....for a moment, he wondered what it would feel like to.....to.......He came to when he heard Matt's voice, a furious blush coating his cheeks at his impossible transgression. _Where the heck was his mind going to?_

"C'mon in," Matt urged. Andrew followed him inside, his sight trained on that impossibly broad built that was somehow able to carry Josh. It was the portrait of a little boy being shy and hiding behind his daddy. And somehow, that realization sent a shiver through Andrew's body, a warm pool of heat sizzling in his gut, lighting a fire inside his very core that sent jolts of pleasure throughout. He snapped out of it before his treacherous body betrayed him in an obvious way. He'd seen Josh act like a "little" before, but,-----having him right in front of him, fully aware that Andrew knew made him feel----- conflicted. He felt like an intruder. Like he was witnessing something he wasn't supposed to. On a good day, Andrew swallowed his emotions. He buried them so deep inside he almost believed they were not there. But standing in the same space as his crush, who was wearing a diaper, those feelings---those feelings he usually fought tooth and nail to erase--- threatened to swallow him whole.

"Andrew...?" Matt started when he noticed the boy had frozen mid-hallway. 

Andrew came to, jolting back as if unaware of his current location. He looked towards the direction the voice had come from and... _Matt, of course, he was at his place about to meet Joshy._ Andrew rubbed the back of his neck as he strode the rest of the way to the living room, where Matt motioned for Andrew to sit on the couch. It was the "u" shaped couch he'd seen days ago from the outer wall. It felt like a damn eternity ago when he'd been perched on that wall, witnessing his best friend's coping mechanism with his own eyes. 

Noticing Joshy's unrelenting grip on his neck, Matt cooed, "Sweetie," grabbing Joshy's arm and shaking it playfully. Joshy whined and burrowed further into his neck. Absolutely not having it "C'mon sweetie, look at daddy," Joshy mumbled some gibberish and clutched daddy's neck for dear life. Angry red marks started marring the skin where the little boy had his arms looped around daddy's neck. Matt could feel it, but he did not care, not when Joshy was panicking so hard.

Joshy was mortified. He knew Andrew was in the room only because he'd heard his voice. The moment daddy had gotten close to the door, he had sealed his eyes shut, and stuck his face against daddy's powerful body as hard as he could. It had been the only way he'd had to avoid the brunt of the embarrassment threatening to send him into a panic attack. Joshy had had tons of dreams where he was found out by friends, and while part of him found the idea a little arousing, it was something that belonged solely to the realm of his fantasies. Nothing more. He could not stop thinking about what Andrew must be thinking now ....... For the first time in a while, he was all too aware of how babyish he looked. And the mere thought of it........it made him want to crawl into the earth and disappear. Joshy had only agreed to this because this was Andrew, and daddy really had to go to the office, and he had promised him that everything was going to be alright. Joshy was afraid of leaving headspace because he did not want to think about everything that had transpired between him and Andrew the other night and....and.....Small tears started to fall down his cheeks, silvery streams marring his pale skin. _Why? He wanted peace and to be in daddy's arms and......and....._.his mind was a whirlwind of worries spinning out of control, a hurricane of fears and expectations laying waste to his insides. And for a second, he felt his control begin to slip away. The need to flee so strong his stomach started upturning, his shoulders hunching. 

Matt noticed his baby's eyes getting moist and saw Andrew panic at Joshy's whimper, his whole body going taut. Matt smiled towards Andrew to make sure he knew everything was okay and sat down on the couch, placing Joshy on his lap and gently drying his tears with his hand. The little boy was still clutching his neck for dear life, trying to burrow even further into daddy's embrace. Matt held him, "Shh, it's okay, baby boy. You are okay" he kept on rubbing sweet circles on his back, bouncing him slightly to ease some of the nerves. "It's okay. Breath with me." As if the baby talk had been the last straw, Joshy started sobbing. And soon, the tears became a river of salty water mixed with snot.

Joshy's mind was in absolute chaos, shame and fear two strong forces clashing inside him. It was a raging tsunami swiping him whole. He'd been trying to picture how this meeting would go ever since daddy had told him Andrew knew his secret, but this-----this felt so raw. It had been so beautiful to have found this safe haven, to finally cope with this massive part of his life he'd been battling against for so long. And now Andrew knew, and he surely thought he was a freak and...

Matt held Joshy tighter, and with a tissue, he fished from his pocket, cleaned his baby's face. "It's okay, Sweetie. You are okay. I'm here with you," Matt whispered for only Joshy to hear.

Andrew was panicking big time, the moment he'd heard Josh start to cry, his heart had clenched so hard he'd thought he'd puke all over the expensive-looking carpet. He wanted to reach out to Josh and hug him, to tell him that everything was okay and that he did not care what he was into, but he was scared that Joshy would flinch at his touch. And Andrew did not know if he could take it. There was still the fact that the last time they had talked, it had been weird. Andrew could still see that bluish hue marring Joshy's cheek, it looked so.....so stark against his pale skin. A jagged rock amidst a peaceful meadow. A pang went through Andrew's heart at the thought, and he clutched the withe rabbit harder, focusing on its soft fur instead. Trying to drown out the soft whimpering-----that sound so at odds with the best friend he's known all his life. He hated that sound......it hurt more than a thousand knives embedded on his skin. He was praying for Matt to calm Joshy down when he heard the whimpering turn into sobbing. And that sound-----that was the sound of his nightmares. It was a screech that came from a menacing beast hidden amidst a dark forest, prowling, waiting to hurt the people he loved. A roaring sound enveloped him, and for a moment, his body went utterly still. Usually, it pissed him off to see people cry, to see that weakness laid out in the open for all to see. But this was the guy who had saved him from his own pain and misery more times than he could count, and seeing him so distressed because of him...... He'd do anything----anything to make that crying stop. And so before he'd finished making that thought, he reached towards Joshy. Andrew was all too aware of his heart's loud thumping, his shaking hands, and clammy skin as he made contact with Joshy's arm.

Joshy froze when he felt someone grab his arm. He knew it wasn't daddy, because he was holding him with both arms. Part of him wanted to run, to break away from daddy's hold, and be swallowed whole by the earth, but..... _.Andrew, this was Andrew. His Andrew_ , his mind kept on reminding him. This was the boy he'd seen when he was twelve, crouching inside the locker rooms, a deep moon-shaped cut on his hand gushing blood. It was his best friend, his other half. Deep down, Joshy knew Andrew was in pain, and that was the last thing he wanted. He knew what the sound of his crying would ignite in Andrew's mind. And so Joshy tried to focus on his breath. _Inhale, exhale, and repeat._ Following daddy's instructions, "Breath with me, sweet boy. Deep breaths. That's it," Matt urged. "That's it, sweety. Good job."

Seeing Joshy ease up some, and not really knowing how to proceed, Andrew lifted the white bunny and, looking very red on the face, offered it to Joshy. The little boy was still clinging to his daddy, but at a little nudge from Matt, he turned his head around slightly, staring shyly at the bunny —a speck of turquoise blue curiously observing the white plushy. Andrew did not dare move. He was hardly breathing, sacred that any movement would discourage Joshy. 

"Aren't you going to greet your new friend, Sweetie? It's a bunny," Matt whispered into Joshy's ear, wiping the neverending stream of tears away. His little tiger sniffed loudly, and reached a cautious hand towards the white plushy, grazing its soft fur with his fingers. The whole room seemed to have frozen, all expectant to see what the little prince of the house would do. 

Joshy patted the soft fur, training his attention on the white bunny with a big red bow on his neck. He dared not look at the person whose hands held it, at the familiar scar that marred the tan skin, at the bitten down nails, a sign of Andrew's restlessness. Instead, he focused on the red bow that had been attached to the plushy's neck. It was a red synthetic fabric that looped in and on itself to form a sloppy bow. It had to have been tied in a haste because-------Andrew must have added that later he realized, it was way too messy for it to have come with the rabbit. He must have------for him------------- Daddy was caressing his cheek, and Joshy could feel his powerful heart beating wildly inside his chest. Every beat felt intensified by how close they were, daddy's whole body reverberating with every mighty thump of blood. His mind was whirling with a million thoughts a second; there was someone else other than daddy in front of him, someone else seeing him this vulnerable but-------Andrew. It was Andrew. His Andrew. He could picture how confused Andrew must have felt and-----, and how this whole thing must have hurt him, but......., Andrew was willing to try for him. Otherwise, he would never have gone to the trouble of bringing this super soft plushy. He noticed Andrew's hands trembling and how he hadn't uttered a word yet----- So without giving himself much time to reconsider, he placed a cautious hand on top of his best friend's, the familiar warmth of Andrew's skin greeting him once again.

Andrew's hands trembled from the effort of keeping the bunny aloft for so long. Still, he dare not move. He dare not breathe too hard for fear he'd scare the little boy away. Joshy was still patting the little bunny with a curious hand. His eyes had been trained on the plushy and then----then on Andrew's hands. Andrew gulped, his throat bobbing when he felt Joshy place a curious hand on top of his own, hiding immediately against Matt's chest. A thrum of excitement started flowing where Joshy's hand connected with his own, setting Andrew's world on fire. _Joshy----- was the cutest little_ \---he did not allow himself to finish that thought, not when this whole thing might not work, and then he'd be left with a hollow crack inside his heart. 

As if enthralled by Joshy's behavior, Andrew crouched in front of him, looking towards Matt for permission. Matt smiling softly nodded, so Andrew started, "I...." he stumbled for the right words, the best way to soothe Joshy. To make sure he knew Andrew understood and did not judge. But yet again, he drew up short. Damn himself for not being able to do this for Josh, for not being able to convey what his heart did not need words to know. He looked at Matt for reassurance, pleading with his eyes, his own lip quivering slightly. Shame be damned! This...Josh was more important than his own stupid shame!

Matt watched Andrew try with all his might to get Joshy comfortable----and fail miserably. Neither of both boys was good with words, so he figured it was up to him to get them on even footing. "Sweet boy, look up," Matt cooed, placing a kiss to Joshy's hair. Joshy groaned and tried to hide further. "Sweetie, look at daddy." Joshy kept on trying to hide, so Matt gently moved his head so that Joshy was looking at him. "Look into daddy's eyes, Sweetie. Focus on my face," Joshy opened his eyes a fraction and did so, still teary-eyed. Matt's heart contracted at the sight, "Do you believe daddy if I tell you that Andrew here loves you very much," he whispered. Joshy kept his gaze fixed on daddy's face, his hand, still clutching Andrew's, trembled a little. Matt motioned with a gentle nudge of his head towards Andrew, tightening his hold on his little boy for reassurance. Conveying with his body what his little boy already knew. _He was safe. Daddy would keep him safe._

It was an invitation. Because with Matt, there would never be any coercion. There was always a choice, Joshy's choice, Andrew realized, as he saw Joshy slowly--------so very slowly turn toward him. And for a moment, the whole world froze, and Andrew forgot how to breathe. All doubts, pain, and fear......evaporated, no more than mist carried away by the wind, as he got lost, once more, into those impossibly blue eyes. In the way the light reflected on them and made them sparkle slightly-----Sweet, gentle seas beckoning to him to submerge himself. Andrew's heart surged, swelling with emotion, and there was so much light everywhere, he was blinded for a second. Josh was beautiful, there really was no other way to describe him. This was Josh. Under all the paraphernalia, beneath all the pain and fear. _His Josh_. And it did not matter what he was into, because what Andrew felt for him was so strong it could never break. Suddenly, Andrew saw Joshy extend both his arms toward him and..... _what?_

"Andrew, I think he wants to hug you," Matt stated, a small smile dancing on his lips. As if in answer, a very shy Joshy nodded, his eyes now trained on Andrew's hands. A no so subtle flush coating his cheeks a furious red, and Andrew's throat went dry at the sight.

Andrew felt his cheeks moisten, but not from pain or sadness----this was something else. This was----------the sun ascending to its golden throne atop the horizon—a thousand stars twinkling faintly against the dark sky—Blooming, searing joy, filled Andrew Wilds to the brim. As if he'd been made out of gasoline, and Joshy had been the match, and now that it was alight, it threatened to set the whole world on fire. He froze on the spot, not knowing how to proceed. Andrew had hugged Josh an infinite amount of times, it was one of his favorite things to do, though he would hide that fact to the very end. Contact for them had always been a constant, it had never felt weird or forced. Andrew relished those moments when Josh would just reach for his hand or hug him when he noticed Andrew lost amidst his memories; or when he'd loop his arm around his shoulder to steer him in a specific direction when Andrew was drifting amidst his own thoughts. But it had never felt like this. This was an invitation that completely fused the small lines they had drawn between themselves. If Andrew crossed it, he had the gnawing feeling that everything would change. And he did not know how much.

When too much time passed, and no hug was taking place, Joshy looked up, and upon seeing those tears on Andrew's face, he lost the remainder of his embarrassment. The fear and shame vanished, replaced by the overbearing need to protect Andrew---- to be that rock that supported him. He had not seen Andrew cry in a long time. He hated seeing those tears. He'd promised himself long ago that he'd do anything to make sure Andrew didn't cry again. Not after what his best friend had endured in his childhood. Joshy squirmed in daddy's arms and whined for daddy to let him go. "Adew," he moaned, his words slurred by the pacifier, arms still outstretched towards his best friend.

Matt realized what Joshy wanted and said, his voice like molten honey poured out of the jar, "Andrew, I think someone wants a hug," and Joshy almost sighed in relief when Andrew came to, training his sight on them. On him. And so, after what felt like forever, his best friend leaned into him, hesitantly, and hugged Joshy, squeezing him with the force of unbound love. 

Relief coursed through Joshy's body at the contact. He had been a wreck a moment ago, but all of it evaporated when Andrew leaned in. No more than a ghostly shadow diffused by the bright light that was his best friend. 

Suddenly the words that had been eluding Andrew where there, "I'm sorry," Andrew whispered, pressing Joshy against him, "I......I didn't want to...." Andrew halted, "I.....I'm...It's okay. Everything.....just" he couldn't keep the tears from falling down his cheeks, the sob from slurring his words as he added, "I just want you.....to..be okay," and the words were laced with so much pain that Joshy started to cry too.

Matt saw both boys embrace, and his heart leapt with joy. Two sides of the same coin indeed. Then Andrew started crying, and Joshy followed. So Matt enveloped them both in his arms, a barrier against anything that could hurt them "It's okay. You both are fine now," he whispered, trying to convey with his body what his heart already knew—these two boys...so similar yet so different. He'd make sure they were okay, no matter the cost.

Andrew hiccuped, the sound so at odds with his usual self that Joshy squeezed him harder. "I...I don't care if you need this.....I" Andrew drawled, "I am your best friend and...I love you no matter what."

And it was a whisper, a soft exhale of words caressing Joshy's neck and hitting straight home. For a moment, everything else vanished: the room, daddy, their memories. For a moment, it was as it always had been.....Josh and Andrew holding each other, lifting each other up. One soul entwined in two bodies. "ove you too, Andy," Joshy whispered, because it was the truth. The words etched in fiery letters upon his very heart and soul; His best friend, who'd never judged him, even when it would have been called for. The other side of his fair coin. He'd felt alienated from him this past year. He'd been tumbling with the notion of his abdl side, and facing Andrew had been--- painful. He'd hated having to keep a secret like this from him, especially knowing how territorial Andrew could be. It had felt like a constant shadow looming about him, smoldering him with every passing day of concealed truths and hidden thoughts. Now, feeling Andrew's warmth again, so close to him, it felt like the sun was beginning to shine amidst the shade.

When Joshy's crying halted, Andrew drew back, detangling himself from the little boy's tight hold on his neck. He looked at his face, the same face he'd seen so many times before, the one he'd secretly admired and longed for since they were old enough to understand that some likes were stronger than others. Andrew took all of Joshy in, his eyes were rimmed with red, and the faint traces of tears were still clinging to his cheeks, a translucent path of sadness leading down both sides of his face. But what made Andrew's heart clench, was seeing Joshy's lip trembling slightly beneath the pacifier. A hollow crack winding its way through Andrew's tattered heart. 

_A long time ago, when he'd been crying under the intense grief of his circumstances, his mother had tried to reassure him. She'd told him that one day someone very special would find their way to him, painting the shadows in a beautiful rainbow full of color. She'd told him that he'd know when he saw that person. "But how?" He'd asked of his mother, still clinging to her tender arms. "You will feel it in your very heart, my love," she had answered. A feeling so strong it could never be confused with anything else._

Andrew had been scared shitless, afraid that all love would lead towards pain. But when Josh had opened himself up to him, sitting down at the edge of a football field, soaked by the unrelenting rain, Andrew had begun to understand his mom's words. Not entirely at first, but in the next years, he had figured everything else out. Not all love had to be warped by pain. It could be as gentle and beautiful as a flower sprouting out of the tender ground come spring. And Josh was that person for him, he had never doubted that. Not even for one second. And so he'd fight to make sure he was okay, regardless of how hard or awkward or painful it was, because _"When you find that person, my love, hold on to them. Fight for them.They will drive the shadows away,"_ his mother's voice whispered in his mind.

Joshy, noticing the intense stare with which Andrew was observing him, scrunched his eyes closed. Andrew gently dried his tears with the side of his sleeve, not caring that the snot was dirtying it. He could not help but melt at how adorable Joshy looked. Mustering all his courage, he placed a kiss to his eyelids, as he'd wanted to do a million times before. A ghost touch of his lips upon his warm skin, and whispered, "I'll always be with you....always..." Andrew looked up and saw Matt's eyes a little moist, the guy had been worried about them, he realized, and so with a smile gracing his lips, Andrew added, "You have always been my family. I will never leave you alone." 

At that, Joshy opened his eyes, a speck of ocean peaking at Andrew. "famiy," Joshy mumbled shyly, the words muffled by the pacifier. Because those words rang true. After everything that had happened, nothing was more evident than that fact. 

Andrew smiled, "That's right, family," and Matt had never seen such love as these two boys had for each other. He saw Andrew's whole face light up upon hearing Joshy utter that single word, as if he'd been waiting to hear it for a long time. Andrew's lips were twitching upward, and his eyes sparkled with the surety of youth and unending love. Two suns, Matt realized, that's what these two boys were. Two stars lighting up the sky of the starless night that had been his life fro so long. Matt had never given much thought to it, but perhaps Andrew.... his phone beeped, jolting him back from his reverie. Matt stood up, and sat Joshy on the rug in front of the couch, signaling with his head towards Andrew, who took the hint and immediately sat beside Joshy, embracing him again while Matt checked his phone, a small smile still dancing on his lips.

\--------

Joshy was laying amidst a sea of toys. Eddy was by his side, and his new bunny was waiting on the couch. Andrew was fiddling with a tissue at his side, and Joshy was all too aware of his presence. It clung to him like beads of sweat on a hot summer night. He was about to combust from embarrassment. Even though he knew Andrew understood him to some degree, it was still embarrassing to act his "little self" in front of him. Andrew's every look carried all the weight of all the years they'd known each other. Joshy, trying to distract himself, moved his red fire truck closer and got Eddy to sit on top of it----Eddy preferred police cars, but Joshy was trying to get him not to be so biased. Addy always said that all toys were equally important, and he was working very hard to make Eddy understand that too.

"Okay, boys," Matt said, entering the living room with a leather briefcase in his hand, "I'm going to have to get going," he added, smiling at Andrew as he left his briefcase on the design table by the couch. Matt went towards his baby and crouched, ruffling his hair, "I'm gonna be gone for a couple of hours," when Joshy started scrunching his face, he hugged him and whispered, "Will you be my brave boy and make sure our guest feels welcomed?"

Joshy reeled in his emotions. That's right, Andrew was staying, and he did not want to make him feel bad, so he mumbled his agreement. Daddy kissed both his cheeks, "You'll be alright, Sweetie. Daddy loves you very, very much", at that he started tickling him until Joshy became a mush of giggles.

"addy!" Joshy squealed. Then he came to, remembering that Andrew was in the room, color coating both his cheeks. Joshy looked down, ashamed at his infantile behavior. Daddy prompted his chin upward. 

"If you feel uncomfortable, tell daddy, and I'll find another way," worry clouding his expression. He had not thought about it, but addy must have been just as nervous as Joshy was. Joshy looked into daddy's eyes, and he knew daddy meant it. He would do it, he would put off whatever was at work just to make Joshy feel safe. Butterflies spurted wings in his tummy and started flying around, tickling him all over..... Joshy had never had this, someone who placed him first above all else, someone who loved him so much, he was willing to take the time to make Joshy feel comfortable. Joshy nodded solemnly, ignoring the hard tug he felt on his heart at the thought of daddy leaving. 

Matt smiled at his baby boy, giving him one last hug before standing up. His baby was so brave, Matt had been terrified that this whole thing would make Joshy freak out. Seeing how awkward both boys were acting around each other, it was definitely going to take a while ..... but they would loosen up, he was sure of it. These two boys loved each other too much not to. "Be a good boy for daddy," Matt cooed, smiling down at his baby boy. Joshy nodded again, hugging Eddy tightly and sucking his pacifier for solace.

Matt went towards the door and motioned for Andrew to follow, making his way to the garage. He flicked a switch, and the metallic doors opened, the sunlight streaming in, reflecting on the glossy surface of the two sleek cars neatly parked inside. Matt opened the door of a black Audi, leaving his briefcase on the passenger seat, "If anything happens or you have any more questions, don't hesitate to call me. I may not be able to answer right away, but I'll keep an eye on my phone." He turned around and saw Andrew looking down, his hands clenched into fists, shoulders hunched. Matt understood all too well what Andrew was feeling. Leaving Joshy alone when he was not in the right mindset pained him more than he wanted to admit, but he needed to make sure Thomas was safe. And he was the only one who could do that. Seeing Andrew's eyes getting moist, Matt's resolve cracked slightly. He enveloped him in his arms----a warm barrier against the whirlwind of emotions the boy was evidently feeling. Andrew's body went taut, but after a second, he relaxed, fully leaning into the embrace. The smell of smoke filled his nostrils, "It'll be fine, Joshy will open up to you. You've seen how much he cares about you," he whispered into Andrew's ear. "Give him time, and remember everything we've talked about."

Andrew wanted to scream, to pound his fists against a harsh surface, and draw some blood. To focus on physical pain instead of......of this. Joshy had accepted him knowing this, but.....but everything felt so awkward now. What if this was their new reality? What if they still did not know how to act around each other after going back to college? Andrew did not think he could take that strangeness.....the awkwardness had started an hour ago, and it already felt like an unbearable weight on his shoulders. Being close to Josh and feeling so far away at the same time-----it was like cleaving his heart in half and knawing at the pieces. Panic seized him whole, and for a second, he could not get enough air into his lungs. 

Matt tightened the embrace, and Andrew would have wanted to trash against him, to show some of his sass, but he had no fire left. His insides were a vast pool of emptiness, carefully layered with the broken pieces of his friendship. "What if.....what if it doesn't?" Andrew whispered, his legs shaking. "What if we don't..." he trailed off, looking for the strength to utter what he was most afraid of "what if we don't go back to normal again?" and his usually strong voice became a soft whisper---A small child seeking a grown-up's reassurance. 

"It may take some time, but I promise, once he opens up to you seeing this side of him, everything will be fine," he got Andrew at arm's length, looking him straight in the eye "I have trust in you making him feel comfortable. Otherwise, I'd have never allowed this. You'll both get there." He brushed his fingers along Andrew's cheeks, brushing away the tears streaming down "It's going to be okay, you'll see."

At that, Andrew shuddered. Surprisingly though, he allowed Matt to wipe his tears away, not finding it in himself to push him away. He held on to the words, _it's gonna be okay,_ they reverberated through him----A gentle lullaby flowing through his body, easing some of the fear. Perhaps Matt was right. Maybe he just needed to show Joshy that he was fully supportive.

When Matt let go of the embrace, Andrew felt the loss of contact like a blow through his heart. A deep hollow crack opened inside him, and for a second, he thought his legs might give up. But the shaking stopped as he took a couple of deep breaths. Andrew looked at the floor, fidgeting with his hands "You really think so?" a half-whisper. 

Matt's heart clenched for him "Of course I do, trust me," Matt soothed, caressing Andrew's cheek. Matt could not help the small smile that danced on his lips at Andrew's unexpected cute side. "You'll be alright. Just trust your friendship and how strong it is. I do." He ruffled Andrew's hair, and with one last glance to his watch, went around his car before Andrew got mad. 

Andrew just stood there, an outraged look plastered on his face when Matt ruffled his hair, but when Matt got inside the car, the words -------the meaning of them hit home. A song playing inside his heart. It was true. Andrew and Josh had gone through a lot of shit together, but in the end,-------they had always found each other. The car's engine roared to life a wild beast awakening to play, shaking Andrew out of his reverie.

Matt lowered down the passenger window and, leaning over the passenger seat, added, "You'll be okay. Just remember everything I've told you, and let him take the first step." Andrew nodded, shaking a little as the black car lurched forward and got out of the house, taking with it the buffer between him and Joshy in this awkward situation.

Andrew closed the door and leaned against the hood of the red Porsche. He counted to ten, breathing deeply with each passing number. _One_ \----he got this, it was all gonna be okay. _Two,_ his hands curled into fists...this was Joshy, his best friend, he knew him---or thought he did--- still, he knew him, it would not be awkward. He was going to make sure it wasn't. It was just gonna take some getting used to. He patted his pocket and felt the familiar square shape of his pack of smokes, his fingers itching to light one up and take a long sweet puff, allowing his problems to vanish amidst the smoke- if only momentarily. But he did not want to leave Josh alone for long.

So steeling himself, he marched into the house, his legs still quivering slightly.

When he got back to the living room, he could not help the smile that bloomed on his face. Josh was apparently talking to the soft brown teddy, discussing his "apparent bad behavior" for having kicked a small red fire truck aside, unaware that Andrew was in the room. There was something about seeing Josh like this that tugged at the edges of his heart. He hadn't allowed himself to take a proper look before, but now.........Joshy looked positively cute, clad in a diaper underneath a football uniform that was, to Andrew's dismay, very similar to the one they wore at practice. The top of his diaper peeked out from under his shorts, the white and bluish fabric standing out amidst the red clothes, and the blue pacifier that puffed his cheeks matched his eyes. There was no doubt that Matt knew what he was doing. Joshy looked adorable; perhaps that fell short to describe him.....Andrew had been reading about ABDL and all the possible variants, and after having witnessed Joshy with his own eyes, Andrew was sure Josh identified as an Adult baby.

As if sensing that someone was watching him, Joshy turned around and peeked over his shoulder, whirling back so fast he got dizzy. Andrew had been staring at him, and he had no idea for how long. A soft flush coated his cheeks, extending all the way back to his neck. He tried to focus on Eddy. The sound of footsteps approaching told him Andrew had moved. He could sense him closer; he could always pick out Andrew's presence inside a room. And sure enough, a second later, Andrew sat right by his side, his sight trained on the blocks that littered the floor.

Andrew sat crossed-legged by Joshy's side and tried very hard not to look at him. Making sure he was comfortable was, after all, his priority. There were lots of toys scattered through the floor, but his eyes focused on the colorful building blocks that Joshy was playing with. He was layering them up slowly, methodically, as if afraid they would fall before the whole structure was completed.

Joshy started trying to build a fort out of blocks, placing the big blue ones on the bottom and carefully layering them up. He loved building things with his blocks, daddy would always beam at him, and then he'd help him tear it down with Eddy, which was always fun. He got so engrossed in it that he forgot Andrew was by his side, and soon he started giggling and squealing with each layer added that did not make the whole structure crumble. When he heard Andrew let out a soft laugh, he was reminded of the fact that he was not alone. A slight flush covered his face, but he did have to try for Andrew. And so he placed a blue block in front of Andrew and nudged it towards him, his sight never leaving the floor.

Andrew felt a little awkward, and Joshy must have picked up on that because he suddenly placed a block in front of him. _An invitation._ Andrew almost sighed in relief. He saw it for what it was, a bridge uniting them again. And so they built the fort together in silence. After a while, time blurred together to allow them a sweet respite amidst the awkwardness they had been feeling. 

Andrew kept throwing shy glances towards Joshy. He was all too aware of Josh's body mere inches away from him. He was used to admiring his masculinity--- His powerfully built body. Those glistening muscles that moved with every powerful stride of his legs against the soft grass of the practice field. He'd observed him training shirtless so many times that he knew his body by heart. Seeing him now.....Josh's mighty tights and arms filled the fabric of the clothes nicely, but it somehow contrasted with the infantile garments and his childish demeanor. And the contrast-----The contrast was doing weird things for Andrew's groin. He admonished himself for having those thoughts, surely now wasn't the time to let himself be swept away by his libido. But his groin, his treacherous groin, had a mind of its own. He observed Joshy's face, how that pacifier was puffing up his cheeks, and those adorable dimples.....there was some drool dribbling out the side of Joshy's mouth. As if in a daze, Andrew reached for him and cleaned it up with his hand. Joshy froze, making Andrew snap back and go beet red. 

Joshy froze the moment he felt Andrew's hand grazing his cheek. His heart thumping loudly. He tightened his hold on Eddy and scrunched his eyes tight, color coating his cheeks. He was all too aware of Andrew's warmth by his side, of his every breath. Where Andrew's hand had connected with his skin, electricity had seared through, leaving a warm tingly feeling behind. For a moment, time stopped. And it could have been a minute or an hour later when both of them snapped out of it.

Andrew stumbled up, "I'm.....going ......to the bathroom," he blurted as he dashed towards the kitchen, trying to outrun his shame. He leaned against the counter and sighed, the weight of today's events pressing down on him. His groin already forgotten amidst the knowledge of his transgression. He shouldn't have done that....he'd gone too far. It was clear Joshy was uncomfortable. He had frozen like a popsicle the moment Andrew had touched him. And why wouldn't he? Andrew had no business in all this, and he should have asked him first before touching him. Now everything was messed up, surely Joshy would hate him, and their friendship would be over. His body started shaking, panic seizing him whole in its tight grip, crushing all the air out of him. Searing fire exploded in his veins, and suddenly he was gasping for air, for something to latch onto, anything to get one more mouthful of air-------a small tug on his leg snapped him out of it, jolting him back to the here and now and allowing that sweet, gentle air to return to his lungs. He looked down, his heart swelling with joy the moment he saw Joshy. He was looking at him, his eyes red around the corners and his lip pouting. The small brownish teddy bear clasped in his right hand. It was genuinely the portrait of a little boy lost for what to do. And it was that fear he saw in Joshy's eyes that made Andrew's heart stop in his chest. 

Andrew crouched in front of Joshy and enveloped him in his arms, relief pounding its way through him as he felt Joshy lean into the embrace. Baby powder and vanilla lotion, that's the smell that greeted Andrew when he absorbed Joshy's warmth. It was strange in a way. Usually, Josh was the one who reached for the hug, the one who enveloped Andrew within the protection of his arms. This time it had been the other way around, and to Andrew's surprise, it felt-------normal. Just like every other hug between them had ever been. Soft and welcoming, like a spring morning bathed in the warm, luminous light of the sun. Andrew sighed in relief at the familiarity of it. He was relishing in the warmth when he felt Joshy start shaking, and the crying resumed. And it was raw and jagged. Spears embedded on Andrew's heart at the sound of those broken sobs. 

Joshy knew this whole thing was weird to Andrew. He should have not reacted in such a way. Andrew was trying for him, and Joshy----Joshy had been so scared, that the pain had overwhelmed him for a second. It had been a fiery rock thrown amidst the meadows of his heart. And Joshy------Joshy had not known how to react. He'd wanted daddy, and Andrew and to be alone all at once. A whirlwind of emotions coursing through him, muddying his thoughts, until he'd seen Andrew leave the living room. There had been pain etched on Andrew's features. Pain so raw and so harsh that it had left Joshy breathless. He'd promised long ago that he'd be there for Andrew. That he'd be the tether that held him together when everything else felt like crumbling. That he would not allow anyone he cared about to suffer again----not if he had a way to avoid it. And here he was crying over a single touch. Andrew had been trying, he had been silent and had given Joshy space, and Joshy-----he had not tried to see things from his perspective. And it was the fear and confusion he'd felt what had prompted Joshy to move. Joshy had clutched Eddy harder and began to crawl towards the kitchen, pushing down the tears threatening to break him. To drown him amidst a sea of grief and fear. When he crossed the kitchen's threshold, his heart clenched, a lump forming in his throat. Andrew had looked so pale, he'd been clutching his chest, and Joshy had not been able to stop himself from going to him. Now amidst the warmth of Andrew's embrace every little kernel of strength he'd been hanging on, dissipated, like a wave breaking upon the shore, just to return to the sea. And so the waterworks resumed.

Andrew hugged Joshy, his heart swelling with emotion. "It's okay. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have touched you out of the blue," Andrew whispered, pain laced through every word. 

Joshy tried to halt his tears but failed. He loved Andrew's scent, it was the scent of pine and smoke. He heard Andrew's words and-------a crack opened in his heart. For a moment, his whole body tensed. "I.....this.....It doesn't freak you out?" he asked, and there it was, his heart laid out in the open. The tears cascading downs his cheeks, the materialization of that fear. 

Andrew drew back, looking Joshy straight in the eyes, " No. I......," he trailed off, looking for the right words not to hurt his best friend. "I guess I wasn't expecting it." Joshy looked so raw and broken that Andrew added, "But after I learnt about it, I don't mind. I just........I want you to be you. I want to see you smile like you used to. Lately, you've been, I don't know...Not yourself........I mean, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't mind what you are into. I'll always be there for you." Andrew blurted the last part, going very red in the face.

Joshy looked at Andrew---really looked at him. He'd been on the verge of having a panic attack, he'd seen Andrew go through them before, and he knew how devastating they could be. How heart-wrenching and raw they left him afterward. And he'd been about to have one because he'd been too wary of Joshy's reactions. Warmth pooled in Joshy's core, and suddenly, his smile tried to fight its way to his mouth. The corners of his lips twitching upwards. It was so Andrew to panic over Josh's reaction. Andrew would still be there for him regardless because he saw him for who he truly was. He'd seen him laid out in the open, with every ragged edge and broken piece and had not left. Joshy had always wanted to find someone to fully understand him. None of the girls he'd dated had ever come close to figuring him out. But Andrew------, his best friend, had figured him out a long time ago. Joshy threw his arms around his best friend, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Home, this was home. He reached a hand to his mouth and removed the pacifier "I was scared you were gonna hate me," he whispered.

Andrew was in shock. One moment Joshy had been crying; the next, he started laughing. A strangled laugh mixed with tears. And when Joshy had reached for him, his fears evaporated. No more than a mere memory of what they had been. "I'd never hate you," he said, and there was no hint of doubt in his words. "You are my home. Why would I ever hate you? I thought you would hate me. After......The other day" his voice caught, raw feeling weighing it down. And he found his eyes watering some, trying to set free a stream of their own. He blinked a few times.

"Nnn..nnn," Joshy drawled, "I'd never hate you. I just....." he tightened his hold on Andrew's neck, taking in the softness of his hair, so close in color to his own, "I just wasn't....in the right mindset," he mumbled. "I wanted to come here again......I.....I needed..." he braced himself to utter the words, the name, his name for him, "I needed daddy," and his voice had taken a softer cadence at the mention of his daddy.

Andrew heard Joshy's voice take a softer note and understood it for what it was. A rope thrown to him, an invitation to meet this part of Joshy with everything that entailed. "I know.....I'm glad you found someone like him.....he.....he cares, I can tell" because he'd seen it on the guy's face. 

"you do too," Joshy mumbled.

"Of course I do," Andrew proclaimed in between half-laughs. And the sound was so beautiful to Joshy, that he added, "I love the way you laugh. You don't do it often enough....but I love it when you do." a blush covering his cheeks again.

Andrew chuckled and squeezed his best friend harder "I will try to do it more often." Joshy smiled softly. Yes, Andrew was the best thing that had ever happened in his life. He was absolutely sure of that. And so they embraced each other, because sometimes it takes a scarred friendship to heal a scarred little prince. Joshy sighed, fully basking in the warmth of his best friend.


	13. CHAPTER 13: WHEN THE NIGHT COMES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys😊💖
> 
> I 'm sorry for the delay. It's been over a month since I updated the story. I have been working on the chapter, I just had a rough two weeks once I finished last chapter and for a whole week I could not even write (ANXIETY LIFE + WORK AND MY MASTER'S DEGREE). Anyways, I know I said I'd finsih the story in ocutber, but there are five more chapters to come and with work and college it's kinda hard, so I will try to keep updating every two weeks but it may take a little longer. By Xmas the whole thing should be done.
> 
> This chapter has lots of things going on. We've got Thomas, some revelations from the past, and some Joshy&Andrew fluff at the end. Next chapter will deal with Joshy and Andrew's relationship in and out of abdl in more detail, there's gonna be a scene that's steamy and fluffy and just..... AHHHHH🙈🙈🙈🙈, for all those who want to see some more of that. Also some more revelations and a huge secret revealed. 
> 
> WARNING: This chapter has violence as well as mentions of gangs, guns, drugs and violence, IF ANY OF IT TRIGGERS YOU, PLEASE DO NOT READ. 
> 
> Again, thanks for everyone who's taken the time to read this and who's left Kudos and Comments, it makes me giddy every time. If you have suggestion, comments or anything like that, drop a message or a private one, I'm trying to improve my writting and the way in which I handle characters, scenes and everything in general (newby here), so suggestions are always welcomed.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter, 
> 
> Let me know what you think,
> 
> LOVE, 
> 
> Nami Dragnel💖

Inside a dimly lit room located in the lower level of a modern manor outside Manhattan, a man laid hunched over himself on the cold concrete floor. His clothes only retained a mere whisper of the wealth they had spoken of—big dark splotches of blood and mud marring the fabric in different places---a torn memento of his peaceful days. Trying to keep himself awake, Thomas Whitelaw attempted to shift into a more comfortable position, curling in on himself against the wall, knees raised against his chest. The big iron shackles around his wrists bit into his skin with every movement— angry red marks already blooming to life along his wrists. He swore when the chained linked to the cuffs did not allow him enough room to shift properly, no doubt, a measure to enhance his discomfort. 

_So seated it is_ , he thought, propped against the wall, his frame shivering from the humidity clouding the air. Thomas looked at the big metal door that sealed his confinement and cursed aloud, not for the first time since he'd been thrown there by a pair of ridiculously strong buffoons. He'd screamed himself hoarse for the first hour, but nobody had come, and perhaps that had been a small mercy. And so, after passing out on various occasions thanks to Robert's ministrations, he'd lost track of time and place. For all he knew, he could be in another country altogether.

A small beam of light shone beneath the metal door, and the sound of footsteps signaled someone's approach. His heart started thumping, sweat coating his back. A minute passed, then two----- _nothing._ Thomas exhaled, wincing at the pain that bloomed in his lungs. He was terrified Roberto would come again; the man had become a savage. An utter savage. He shuddered, scooting closer to the wall, as he remembered everything that had been done to him in the last session of his " _sweet time_ ," as Roberto had called it. Everything hurt, and Thomas knew once he got out of his predicament,--if he ever did--- he'd have lots of bruises and scars to prove where and how much these scoundrels had worked on him. 

Thomas had tried to buy Matthew and Susan some time, withholding all the information he had on the case, but------- _Roberto had known_ \--- he'd known all along who the witness was, which hinted to a significant failure in Thomas's security protocols. He had underestimated Roberto, and what Matthew had warned him about had actually happened. He shifted against the wall, trying to ease some of the strain on his neck—fire coursing through his muscles at every small movement the too short chains allowed. He just hoped Matthew was alright; he hadn't had time to properly talk to him since this ordeal had started. Thomas had been terrified Matt would find out the truth and never forgive him, so he had avoided him as much as possible, and now---now it might be too late. And who knew what the hell Roberto was planning to unleash upon them all.

His throat suddenly went dry at the thought, and he extended his arm, trying to reach for the water jug that had been left for him. His fingers skimmed it, but before he could fully grasp the handle, it upended, spilling its contents---- water washing the harsh concrete floor in a silver lake—a small pool of water, but enough to reflect a horrific image. Thomas winced when he glimpsed his reflection, shying away from the sorry sight, and shaking the chains a little too much in the process. A jolt of fire started along his wrists, and he quailed at the pain that ensued, thudding back against the wall harshly nd hurting his neck in the process. He cursed aloud, blinking a few times when his vision swarmed. Exhaustion was a looming shadow about him, fighting with his consciousness a winning battle. He was sure there had been something inside the mushy food they'd given him; it was probably the reason he'd been feeling so weak and tired, but not knowing when they'd feed him next... he'd had no choice. He'd been falling in and out of consciousness since he'd been thrown here. Thomas did no longer care what happened to him; after all, his plan against Robert would enact whether Thomas was there to see it through or not. He'd made sure of that; he just hoped Robert didn't find out about it before it enacted.

He had the gnawing feeling that Roberto knew something else, something he wasn't letting on. He'd seen it in his vicious smirk as he beat him down without mercy. Thomas had made a living defending people, and at his age, had a pretty good idea of what dwelled inside people at first glance. And when he'd looked into Roberto's eyes....there had only been swirling all-encompassing dark inside him. And so he'd realized pretty quickly that any information on Roberto's hands was going to be dangerous. Thomas had to keep buying time. Just a little longer and everything would be over. He'd been very thorough with his plans. If everything fell right into place..... Thomas started recounting his plan's steps, trying to keep himself awake and do something useful simultaneously. But before he knew it, his eyelids had closed, sleep enveloping him in a sweet mantle, carrying him into the land of dreams:

_Thomas Whitelaw walked through the old corridors of Perrington Orphanage, its creaky wooden floors heaving with his every step. It always pained him to see this building looking so shabby. At eighty years since its construction, it was painfully clear that the edifice had seen better days. Against all odds though, it still retained the soft whisper of its previous elegance and class. An irony that never escaped him. Thomas kept on winding his way through the hallways, trying not to pay attention to the too old windows that did nothing to shelter from the cruel New York cold, the soot-stained walls peeling at intervals or the too-worn furniture that was in dire need of reupholstering. He wished they'd allowed him to repair it all; he should press the board harder on it. They thought it useless for him to use company money for this, but----- no, he'd keep this place running even if it was the last thing he did._

_The gentle sound of laughter wound its way through the hallways, ricocheting on the walls, and painting a smile upon Thomas's face; that was one of the reasons why he'd worked so hard on keeping the place running, why he'd decided to spend much of his time working from this very building. These kids had nothing more; they deserved every last penny he could invest. Even if it all had started for a completely selfish reason, he was still doing a good thing here._

_He turned down the grand staircase until he found himself in front of a set of colossal wooden doors— Perringtong's library and its swelling heart. The first thing he'd done upon seeing this place listed in his father's will, upon deciding what he wanted to do with the building and the lands that surrounded it, had been to make sure the kids had enough books and materials for learning. "Education is the key to the future," his father had always said, and Thomas, at forty-five, still though them the wisest words his old man had ever uttered. Thomas threw the doors open, and the familiar smell of bound paper, leather, and wood greeted him. The soft evening light streaming from the windows knifed its way through the floor, elongating the shadows of the furniture, and lending the room an eerie glow that brought on memories of old times. Times when he'd been a too-clever boy with prolific witts and a family with a particular flair for the traditional._

_Thomas turned on the lights, left his briefcase on top of the mahogany desk, and padded towards his liquor cabinet. The light glinted on the polished wood, lending it an eerie shine that made it look almost new. However, every piece of furniture in the space was from the late eighteen or early nineteenth centuries-----renovated, yes, but antique, that was his family's motto. There was something to be said about the beauty of old times that spoke to him, like a gentle melody swelling his heart with the known comfort of homelier times. He placed his key on the cabinet's lock, and the lid gave way with a faint click, revealing his favorite assortment of drinks all lined up in two neat rows. Thomas poured himself a glass of bourbon from the crystal decanter his friend, Lenora, had gifted him for Christmas last year. Two fingers of the honey-colored liquid were sure to be enough to lift his spirits after the rough week he'd had. And so inhaling the bourbon's sweet caramel scent, he sauntered towards his desk, sinking into his chair with a contented sigh._

_While taking a sip of his glass, Thomas reached for his briefcase with his left hand and unlatched the leather clasps, revealing an assortment of documents regarding Matthew's college enrollment. He knew he shouldn't have enrolled Matthew without his knowledge or permission, but............he could not have his talent go to waste. Even if that meant pulling on some strings to get him into Harvard law school. He hoped Matthew would swing by one of these days and allowed him to persuade him to take this path, which, funnily enough, he had already taken for him. Thomas knew he had no say in what the boys did once they were legal. But still------Matt was a special case. A headache spurted on, swaying Thomas's view of the papers in front of him. He groaned and rubbed his temples with his fingers, leaving the glass on the desk._

_Half an hour later, a green-eyed boy covered in soot and blood barged into the library. Thomas's eyes locked on Michael immediately. A look of horror settling on his face as he beheld the boy cross the distance to the desk, clutching his side with his hand._

_"Thomas....thank god," Michael breathed, his voice wavering as he hobbled the rest of the distance that separated them, and sank on the leather chair in front of the desk, panting hard._

_Thomas's heart clenched so hard he thought he'd vomit right then and there. Michael---usually contained and well-groomed Michael---- looked a mess. "Michael," Thomas gasped, his voice hoarse, as he stood up and circled the desk. Before the boy could say anything, Thomas knelt before him, swiping him over to examine for wounds. Now that Thomas was up close, he could not avoid noticing details he had obviated a second ago. There was blood crusting Michael's t-shirt and pants. A deep cut in his arm was oozing blood, and his eyes, usually alert and avid, were hazy and unfocused as if he were fighting with his consciousness. A considerable bruise was beginning to bloom underneath his eye, and his lip was split down the side, blood clotting on it and dribbling down his chin. "Holy Christ, boy. What's happened to you?"_

_Michael looked down for a second. Tears pooling in his see green eyes. Thomas had never seen the boy cry, and at the sight.........his body began to shake, sweat beading down his back as a myriad of scenarios started playing on his mind, each one worst than the previous one._

_Michael must have noticed Thomas’s trembling, because before Thomas could go into overdrive, he grabbed his arm and whispered, "Robert......this...." his voice broke as he grasped for a breath that was all too elusive, and winced at whatever wound he had concealed under his T-shirt ." Make sure Matt is safe." And his voice was so feeble, so.......raw, that Thomas's blood froze. Matthew? No, surely Matthew was okay because he was a good kid and Thomas knew he was with Roberto and........... Thomas froze as the realization dawned on him; he held Michale's hand in his and got closer, leaning over him. "What's happened? Where is he?" he urged, panic evident in his every word. If something had happened to Matthew..._

_"Robert.....wants me death," Michael rasped, each word weaker than the last. His left hand was still clutching the wound at his side, and it was all Thomas could do not to reach for it. That wound looked to be the worst one yet; he ought to check if it was bad, just in case. What if it was life-threatening? But before he could do anything, Michael continued, snapping Thomas's attention back to his face. "I overheard him talking to one of his cronies. They were going to shoot me tonight when.....when the deal is sealed with the Mexican cartel." he trailed off, his throat bobbing. "Jake invited me for a drink this afternoon." He brought his hand to his forehead, wincing, "I think he might have drugged me."_

_Thomas was speechless, too many horrible facts being revealed to him at once. He looked at Michael, really looked at him for the first time in months. The boys had been elusive, and Thomas had only known about them thanks to the nuns that helped run the orphanage. He'd known Roberto was leading Matthew and Michael through rough places, dangerous ones even, but a cartel... That was the Mexican mafia. And after what Roberto had gone through when he was a child.......Thomas could not believe he'd involve himself in such things._

_Thomas's head started whirling, a loud roaring ringing in his ears, and for a moment, he thought he might faint. He stood up, his knees wobbling, bracing his hands against the desk behind him to steady himself. Once he regained his balance and was sure he would not fall, he hobbled to his liquor cabinet, filled a glass with water, and placed it on Michale's hands. "Drink up," he ordered as he leaned back against his desk, pressing a clammy hand to his forehead. Once the room finally stopped spinning, he picked up his phone's handset with one hand and pressed a number on the keypads. A woman picked up on the other end, and Thomas wasted no time and commanded, his sight never leaving Michael, "Send me a doctor as fast as possible to Perrington's library. And find Matthew. Fast." He didn't wait for the other person to reply before he hung the phone, setting the handset back on its base rather harshly---its dull thud, the only sound echoing through the room._

_Michael looked up to where Thomas was still leaning against the desk, his tired eyes pleading. But not for him, Thomas knew, for Matthew. The boys had been inseparable since they were kids, and he had no doubt either of them would give their lives to save the other. A shiver ran down Thomas's spine at the thought._

_Thomas ran Michael over once more. The boy looked bone tired, his green eyes rimmed with red around the corners, still moist with unshed tears. Looking at the myriad of wounds on him, Thomas could not help but feel like he'd failed his boys. If they had wandered towards such horrible activities, he must have done something very wrong indeed. Thomas snapped out of his reverie when he heard the boy wince again, his eyes training on the horrific wound on his side. There was an ugly cut oozing blood through the fabric of his t-shirt; that much was apparent enough. Thomas went to work; he took a towel from his drawer, where thankfully, Matthew had left it after coming in dripping wet from the shower to find a book before bed, and knelt in front of Michael. He carefully lifted the boy's shirt and gasped at what was revealed, all color draining from his face. An angry cut crossed his midsection, blood spewing out in a slow but constant flow. It had likely been done with a knife. Thomas pressed the towel to the wound and winced along with the boy. "Sorry," he breathed. Thomas wasn't used to these types of things._

_While they waited for the doctor, Thomas could not stop the incessant flow of thoughts that prowled his mind. How long had this whole thing been going on? What had he done wrong for his boys to stray so hard from the right path? No wonder Matthew did not want to attend law school; he already had a job. A horrible one at that. Thomas sighed, placing his free hand on his forehead, trying to quench the appalling headache that had come back to life upon hearing the news. This felt like a repeat of what had happened eleven years ago. And Thomas did not think he could survive another night like that one. It had been his luck and connections that had allowed Roberto to enter the orphanage when Officer Jones had brought a skinny raven-haired boy to his doorstep, pleading for Thomas to hide the boy at all costs. And the horrible events that had left the poor child orphan.....Thomas did not want to reminisce that night or the events that had led the child to his doorstep. Sometimes the tragedy of it still hunted his dreams—images of blood-soaked rooms and lifeless bodies sprawled across grand rooms, bent at awkward angles, of broken windows and scorched down walls. The scene Thomas had witnessed while helping officer Jones crack the case the following day.....Thomas shuddered, his hands almost losing their grip on the towel. He snapped back when he heard the Michael wince._

_Michael finished the glass of water, his hand trembling. The silence in the room stretched around them, a constant reminder of the unfolding tragedy and the infinite number of questions encircling them. When Michael went to put the glass on the desk, his skin pulled taut on the wound, and he swore, clutching his side over Thomas's hand, which was still holding the cloth. The glass fell and shattered on the floor with a dull thud. It exploded into a million crystal pieces, successfully showering the wood in glass. The silence was successfully broken, and Michael startled at the sound, scrunching his eyes shut._

_Thomas sighed, lowering his head some, "Don't worry about it," he said, sitting on the edge of the desk to relieve his numb legs. Michael held the cloth against the wound, his hand trembling slightly._

_" Now, care to explain how you got these wounds?" Asked Thomas. And it was not so much a question as a command._

_Michael averted his gaze, his hand still holding the towel against his wound, blood seeping through the cloth, down his abs, and soaking the hem of his pants and underwear. A crimson waterfall tainting the fabric, "I.....I may have fought two of Robert's men when I tried to get away," he rasped, his breath catching. "I.....I didn't know where to go. I don't know where Matthew is and.." his eyes watered, his face scrunched in pain---a pain that went so obviously beyond the physical, "I didn't know it would get this bad," he added in a haste, blinking back a few times. "I was only in because I didn't want to leave Matt alone," he whispered, "Not with that people. Not after," he trailed off, wiping his tears with the heel of his hands and leaving a smear of blood where they'd touched. "Not after knowing what Robert is capable of," he finished, a bite to his words at the mention of the name._

_"Jesus Christ, my boy. Why would you two even get into those things in the first place?" Thomas chided, rubbing at his temples. He sighed, hopping down from his desk to sit on the chair beside Michael_ _. Leaning forward, Thomas pressed a hand to Michael's forehead. Not warm, no fever then. Thank God. "Why on earth does Roberto want to kill you?" He asked, his eyes fixed on Michael._

_Michael swallowed, this time not being able to contain his tears. They washed down the sides of his face, his eyes sparkling under the warm lights of the library, "I...He found out that I....towards Matt.." he trailed off, leaving the words unsaid hang in the air between them. Thomas picked up the rest pretty quickly. Of course, he was in love with Matthew, Thomas thought, he should have seen that one coming, "Well, I'm not gonna allow anything to happen to either of you," Thomas stated, his eyes shining with the force of a man with a purpose. He had not sacrificed so much and hidden so many truths to see any of them die now. He'd be damned if he allowed something to happen to one of his boys._

_Michael looked alarmed at that, "No, You...you can't! You don't know what he's capable of", he blurted, rivers of silver sliding down his cheeks. "Just get Matt out and...."_

_Thomas placed his finger to Michael's lips, succesfully halting his words, "You do not know what I'm capable of for my boys." Thomas grounded out with an edge to his words. Michael winced one again and pushed Thomas's hand away._

_Thomas looked down at that. Unknowingly he had pressed a little too hard on the wound. Again that unnatural strength that seemed to run in his family was causing problems._ _"Sorry," Thomas breathed, "Sometimes, I don't know my own strength." Michael exhaled, scrunching his face, whispers of pain clouding his expression as he clenched his teeth._

_Thomas replaced the towel on the wound, mindful not to apply too much strength again, and i_ nching closer towards Michael, asked, his voice a mere whisper, "Is Robert aware that you know his plans?"

Michael looked lost in thought for a second, the exhaustion winning the battle against his consciousness. He blinked a few times, and looking down at his bloodied pants, murmured, "I don't think so...he.....those guys who attacked me...they" He trailed off, looking into Thomas's eyes to then shy away. As if ashamed, Thomas realized. 

Thomas kneeled down in front of him and, with as much care as he could muster, tilted Michael's head upward, so he was looking straight at him. "Whatever you did, It's fine as long as you got out alive, my boy." 

Michael gulped and, closing his eyes, added, "No, no, I...I think I knocked them unconscious. They weren't moving, I ......I could not check. I barred the door with a crowbar and...I just ran," Michael's body shook, his hands trembling.

"It's okay, boy," Thomas soothed, grabbing Michael's hand once again. A rock in which the boy could lean on. "You did what you had to do. If he doesn't know you are aware of his plans, I might have a way to get you and Matthew out of this," he looked into Michael's eyes, making sure he had his attention, _"But I'm gonna need for you to tell me everything that's happened since you boys left Perrington. And don't leave anything out."_

_Michael gulped but nodded nonetheless. Conviction and a hint of hope shining in his sea-green eyes._

Thomas jolted awake, sweat beading down his back in small rivulets, successfully drenching what remained of his shirt. Fire coursed through his wrist at the sudden movement, and he winced, cursing aloud. Thomas had not dreamt of the events of that day in years. He had actively tried not to. That evening, what Michale had told him........Thomas had almost vomited. It had been awful enough to know that they were doing bad things but to hear what Roberto was capable of......Thomas shuddered, quailing when the pain along his wrists resumed. He sighed, trying to push away the raw memory that threatened to wreck him. His thoughts unavoidably wandered towards Matthew. _He would be alright;_ Thomas had to believe that if nothing else. Roberto may be a barbaric individual with fewer morals than a politician, but... If there was one thing Thomas knew for sure was that he wouldn't hurt Matthew. His obsession with him was borderline ridiculous.....Thomas shuddered. The thought of this barbarian near Matthew sickened him to no end.

The soft thud of steps sounded behind the door, breaking his trial of thought and bringing him back to the cold dark room he'd been inhabiting for God knew how long. Thomas's sight zeroed in on the metal door. Two shadows stole away the little light that had filtered moments ago from the small space beneath it. Thomas gulped, retreating against the wall as much as possible, and hating himself for it. His body shivered in anticipation of whatever hell they were to unleash upon him this time.

The sound of the metal door unlocking reverberated through the room, an echo so loud it filled the space completely. He could almost feel in his very body each tongue of the key turn, and Thomas tried very hard to control his breathing while every second stretched into eternity.

The metal door finally opened with a big screeching sound, revealing two large men clad in dark suits. The image strangely resembled that of gentlemen heading to work at the office. Only work was Thomas, and the office was..... _well, wherever this place was_ . Thomas recognized one of them, the tall, green-eyed one, with a stark tattoo along his neck. Two ravens, beaks pointing towards the center of his neck, where a Latin quote could be read. Thomas squinted his eyes to read the words through the dimness of the room, trying to distract himself, "dulce periculum," danger is sweet. _Indeed_ , Thomas thought, and he would have rolled his eyes were his situation not so dire. Ronald was the guy's name if he recalled correctly. It was the same guy who'd brought him to Roberto in the first place. 

Ronald approached him with the surety of a hunter hounding his prey—A lion licking its fangs before a meal, basking in the assurance of the delicate meat that awaited him. No empathy crossed his features. A man used to cruelty. And Thomas, despite years of meticulous upbringing, despite his extensive knowledge of criminals and well-known bravery, shuddered, his teeth grinding, and heartbeat speeding up perilously fast. 

"The boss wants to speak with you," Ronald stated, his voice coarse, as he unlatched the cuffs that linked Thomas to the wall behind him. Thomas closed his eyes, trying very hard not to let that well of fear that pooled in his gut take over. _One step at a time._ He'd get through this if only to gain enough time for his plan to work. Even if.....even if he did not live to see that horrible shadow that always hunted Matthew vanish. And so with that last thought, he allowed the two men to haul him out of the room, his feet dragging on the floor behind him.

\------------------------------------------

To say that Matt was utterly exhausted would be an understatement. His headache was only intensifying with every floor the elevator climbed towards his office— worry clouding his mind. Perhaps that word wasn't enough to describe how he felt. The number of problems that were hounding him seemed to have no end—a vast desert of desperation sprawling in front of him, waiting for him to collapse. Joshy had seemed to be hanging on by a thread when he'd left this morning, and Andrew, the poor boy, had looked so shaken up at the prospect of spending time alone with Joshy... And if that was not enough, there was also the matter of Thomas being kidnapped; while Matt knew Robert was unlikely to harm him permanently, he was not so sure he would treat him nicely, and Thomas was no young man anymore. A ripple of pain shot through his heart at the thought, his headache intensifying. Matt rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hands rather harshly. _One step at a time_ , he reminded himself, he just had to take everything one step at a time.

With a slight jolt, the elevator reached his floor, opening its doors to reveal a fancy lobby steeped in marble and framed by floor to ceiling glass windows overlooking the skyline. A giant chandelier hung from the ceiling above a cluster of red and black divans. The light filtering through the windows was lending the space a glowy hue that made it seem as if the floor was littered with diamonds. _"Cover your clients in riches, my boy, and they'll know you are worth every penny they spend on us,"_ Thomas had declared the first time he'd brought Matt here, a big smile plastered on his face as he showed him the office he'd be working in for the summer. Matt tried very hard to drive that thought away as he marched all the way to his office, purposefully not paying any mind to the people he crossed on his way. The office was teeming with lawyers, which was not unusual on a working day. Usually everyone came to him with problems on different cases, but today, the last thing he needed were more problems thrown on him. And he supposed it showed on his face, for nobody seemed inclined to approach him as he marched his way through the long hallway towards the glass doors of his office.

As Matt made his way towards his office, he could not keep the memories that threatened to wreck him at bay. An enormous weight settled on him as he remembered the first time he'd set foot into this space; it had been a wondrous experience. Matt had worked his ass off studying for a whole year. He'd found out early on that Thomas was right; not only was he good at problem-solving, but he actually enjoyed it. That fact had opened the doors to a different kind of life for him—an easier life. When Thomas had offered him an internship after his first year of college, Matt had had his reservations. It had felt too much like a favor. But after much insistence from his teachers, he had accepted. On a trail run and under Matt's conditions, but he had agreed. And he did not regret it for one second. 

Matt still remembered stepping out of the elevator, Thomas by his side. He'd marveled at the floor to ceiling windows that overlooked the Manhattan skyline, at the swift and sure lawyers bustling about with a confident expression on their faces and mountains of clipboards stacked with papers on their hands. It had been a piece of candy for someone of such humble beginnings as Matt. He could still hear Thomas's excited and proud voice introducing him to the board of associates, _"He's going to be first in his promotion, I'll tell you that much. He's gonna surpass even me,"_ he'd proclaimed, beaming at Matt. Matt had felt...cherished. As if he belonged. That day some of the shadows that had stuck to him since that tragic day Michael had died started dissipating. Washed away by the bright light of a new beginning. Oddly enough, Thomas had always been like the father Matt had never had. And he'd always known exactly what Matt needed at every precise moment.

Matt could not recall a single moment of his childhood without Thomas in it. He'd been the one to give him his first presents, help him study at night, and even soothe him when he'd been upset or scared. Even if they were not related by blood, Matt had never really felt truly alone. He'd been curious about his family, yes, but---------only in the way one is curious about a wild animal seen on tv. You want to see it, pet it even, but you wouldn't take it home. He'd had someone to look up to, and a best friend, whom he'd called brother, and that had been enough. That is until Robert had come along and shaken up his life to the very core. And now, the man who had given Matt everything he had was suffering at Robert's clutches. And all because—because Matt had not pressed them to act faster. All because Matt had not been there to protect him. Matt clenched his fists until his nails ruptured skin, the pain a welcoming shelter amidst the raging winds he was facing; Of one thing, he was sure, he'd fix it. Even if it was the last thing, he did.

Matt finally reached his office and opened the glass doors. Susan Thorn—usually regal and well-groomed, Susan Thorn—looked like a tornado had hit her. Strands of reddish hair curled out of her bun, pointing in different directions in a way that oddly resembled snakes trying to scape their nest. Her green eyes, usually avid and smart, looked weary and tired, framed by huge bags that denoted her lack of sleep. And her rumpled clothes...... _she had not slept at all,_ Matt realized. She probably had not even left the office.

The moment she spotted him, she dashed for the door, throwing her arms around him in one sweep motion, unshed tears shining in her eyes. "Thank God, you're alright, I was worried something had happened to you too," she whispered, clinging to him with all her might. 

Matt embraced her, taking in her familiar scent, lavender, and roses, with an earthy scent underneath. "Sorry. It took me a while to be able to leave," he said, the weight of being away from his baby boy clinging to him like a shadow. 

"You've been awfully absent this past month Matthew," a too cheerful voice pointed out from behind them. Matt turned around, releasing Susan from his tight hold; Luke Benett, Matt's ex-classmate and a fellow associate, looked at him with a searching gaze, his eyebrows raised. 

"We all have a lot on our plate right now," Matt breathed, curling his hands into fists at his sides once more. _Better that than punching him_ , he told himself. The last thing he needed right now was to lose to his temper, and Luke had an uncanny ability to get under his skin.

"That may be true, but you've never been like this. Thomas is kidnapped by a lunatic, and you thought it best to wait till the next morning to show up," He prompted, a smug look lighting his features. The bastard was clearly enjoying the situation, knowing how deep in shit they all were. Matt made to step towards the bastard and wipe that smirk off, but Susan grabbed his arm. An anchor amidst the storm, that's what she had always been. Ever since he'd met her in college, she'd been the steady ground to his raging waves.

Still, Matt mentally debated the merits and detriments of actually punching the asshole. Surely it would not bother anyone, not when the bastard was hated by pretty much the whole firm. He tried to contain that raging monster inside of him, his body trembling with the effort. Matt breathed deep a couple of times, thinking of his baby boy back home. Once the brilliance of the sun was showering on him again, he said, "I do not have to explain myself to you, Luke. And there was hardly anything to be done yesterday. "He trailed off. Just the thought of leaving his baby boy alone to rush to the office made him see red. He added, almost unconsciously, "And I could not possibly leave when I have..." He stopped himself short before he said too much. _He needed some damned sleep!_ He'd almost revealed why he'd been unavailable so much these past months.

Luke looked at him wearily, eyebrows raised. _Pondering_ . The bastard was always entertaining different possibilities in his mind, that's what made him a good lawyer, but under the wrong circumstances.....it made it hard to keep secrets. Matt clenched his teeth, _perhaps punching him was indeed a good idea after all_. The mere thought of this bastard knowing about his baby boy…

"Well, seeing as you are the one who knows the psychotic bastard the most, having climbed into his bed an all," Luke chirped, raising his hands to the back of his head as he ambled towards the liquor cabinet by the wall, "I would like to know what it is that you think should be done now." He poured himself a glass of gin and turned around slowly,—so very slowly, the bastard— and looking at Matt from beneath lowered brows, added, "Perhaps if you returned to warming his bed...." light danced in his eyes.

The bastard was enjoying every damn second of their misery-- _Every damn second of Matt's pain._ Matt's blood boiled, his muscles tensing in poise to strike. And for a second, he almost felt as if he'd just do that. Ohhh... it'd be so easy to pounce on him. Matt could see the whole scene unfold in his mind. But before anything could happen, Susan cut in, "Enough! Luke, we are in enough trouble as it is," as she glared towards Luke, causing him to raise his arms in defense, and pulled Matt along towards the couch.

Still trying very hard to reign in his anger, Matt followed her and sank down on the soft leather couch, the material groaning in protest under his weight. He had not slept at all, what with Josh having a panic attack and shaking all night. His heart tore at the thought of his son going through all this because of Robert. The sooner they fixed this situation, the sooner everything would be alright. Thomas would be out of his predicament, and Matt would be back with his baby. With that last thought in mind, Matt left his briefcase on the table right in front of the couch. 

Luke eyed the briefcase and was about to say something, but Matt beat him to it, leveling him with a cold stare. A stare that made lesser men run in the opposite direction "If you say one more word about Robert and me, I will not hesitate to show you…" his words laced with so much rage that Luke paled a little. _Good. Let him be scared._ "What I......."

"Ohh, for the love of God, you two," Susan chided from beside Matt. "Can you two stow it for once? Thomas is missing! In the hands of the biggest mafia boss in the country no less," she roared, and the tears that had been pooling on her eyes finally fell, setting two streams of silver free, running in contrast to her ivory skin. She brought her hands to her face, "I...I never thought something like this..." she trailed off, a sob breaking out of her throat as her whole body shook.

Matt placed a protective arm around her, enveloping her with as much reassurance as he could. "It's okay, we're gonna get him back," he whispered. Susan's body kept on trembling, a flower shaken by the raging winds of a storm she was not prepared to endure. 

"What if it's too late?" she sobbed, her voice nearly inaudible. Matt sometimes forgot that these people had never lived hand in hand with death. Not as he had. They had no idea how the underworld worked, much less how Robert operated in reality. They knew things, the money laundering, the trafficking, even the swindling, but not everything, not the darker stuff, which is why Matt had wanted to handle Robert on his own. Even knowing full well how much of a stupid idea that was. 

"He won't harm him. I'm sure of that. We just need to plan everything very carefully. Robert just wants us to know what he can do," Matt said, knowing fully well what Robert could do.

Luke, looking a little ashamed, filled two more glasses, this time with bourbon, and offered them to Matt and Susan, his hands trembling slightly. _At least he had the damned decency to look ashamed,_ Matt thought with a hint of pleasure as he took his glass.

Susan took the offered glass, eyeing the contents skeptically. She wiped her tears with her hands sloppily and took a sip. Upon tasting it, Susan winced, scrunching her face. "You really drink this all the time?" she asked, setting the glass down on the wooden table in front of the couch, distaste written all over her face, "It's horrible," she proclaimed, cleaning her tongue with her hand.

Matt smiled, though it did not reach his eyes, and took a sip of his own glass—the fiery aftertaste of the alcohol a respite amidst the storm. As he was about to put the glass down, Susan's secretary peeked in through the door and announced, "Miss Thorn, your guest is waiting in the lobby. Shall I tell him to come up?"

Susan nodded and made a motion for Matt to look at her. Luke looked like he was interested and was trying very hard to hide it, which was terrible news. If he didn't know whatever it was she was going to say, it meant it somehow involved Matthew. "Matt, I may....need to tell you something," she said, her eyes trained on the floor. _Strange, she was never one to shy away from people,_ Matt thought.

Matt looked at her, his eyebrows raised, and shifted on the couch, his glass still clutched in his hand. 

"Remember how Thomas didn't want to tell you who our witness against Robert was?" she asked, fiddling with the golden ring on her left hand. Sitting on the opposite couch, Luke leaned forward, curiosity and expectation written on his face in capital letters.

Matt dug his nails into his palms, "I do.....," he trailed off. She only fiddled with her engagement ring when she felt guilty about something, so Matt had a pretty bad feeling that whatever she would reveal would not sit well with him.

"Go on," Luke urged, unable to contain his curiosity. A cat's smirk plastered on his face. And Matt would have snarled at him were not for the words that came out of Susan's mouth a second later.

"The witness is here. But before you freak out over who he is," Susan added hurriedly, placing a hand on Matt's arm to keep him seated, steady and rooted, "Promise me you won't get mad at us. Thomas was only doing what's best for all of us. For you."

"Yes, Matthew, promise us you won't get mad at us. I don't think I could take it," Luke chirped, sarcasm dripping out of every word. 

"Susan.." Matt intoned, ignoring Luke completely, "Just tell me. Who. Is. He?" If Matt knew who the witness was, —even if they wouldn't be able to use him just yet, not as long as Robert had Thomas—but if he somehow found a way to get Thomas free.... they'd need him once Thomas was free. Though to tell him now, when it would be of no use...Embers were catching in the depths of Matt's being, a gentle breeze kindling them, ready to set the whole world aflame.

Susan gulped and was about to speak when the door to the office opened, and a tall, dark-haired, green-eyed man walked in, his sight trained on Matthew, drinking his sight in.

"I am the witness," the man said, his voice a whisper that somehow filled the room.

Matt froze on the spot. That voice….He thought he had forgotten that voice. A buzzing sound started in his ears, and suddenly, it took all his self-control to fight the memories he had purposefully avoided for so long. He'd buried them on a very dark night when he'd seen the lifeless body of his brother hit the ground; there had been blood and that awful roaring in his ears almost making him go insane. He'd seen a bullet go straight through Michael's chest, the blood gushing out like a fountain. Matt had jumped out of his hiding spot and dashed towards him, a cold feeling settling over him, a sweet mantle painting everything a dark blue, that then turned red. Matt had held Michael's lifeless body for so long that his blood had dried on him. There had been no pulse, he'd checked _one time. Two times. Three times._ Not wanting to believe what he'd just seen. How his whole world had come crashing down.

He'd screamed himself raw because of it—a shriek that had sounded anything but human. And yet—yet, the man that was standing in front of him....... _Alive_ . _So very alive,_ it almost felt like a mockery of his pain, his grief.....An elongated claw tore through Matt's insides, rising from those kindling embers to shatter a piece of his mangled heart. Matt stood up, his fists clenched at his sides, his heartbeat pounding inside his chest, as his memories took him whole, crashing unto him with the strength of a thousand stars.

That day had been drenched in blood and sweat, his rage surging, like a tidal wave rising in poise to strike. After realizing Michael was dead, he had unleashed himself inside that warehouse. He'd been a blood-crazed monster with no end or beginning. No conscious thought, but the deep primal need to stop the pain that had ignited in his heart. When he'd finished, he'd gone outside. It had been noon and raining, and not even the faint scent of moist earth and wet pavement had been able to shake away the coppery tang of blood. Of Michael's blood, and........ 

Matt's body started shaking, memories of a bright boy running in front of him through the hallways of Perrington, glittering on the edges of his mind. He tried to take a step, willing to touch him, to make sure this was not some sort of illusion. His mind hallucinating from exhaustion. His eyes trained on Michael as if he were an apparition, a ghost of the past come to hunt him at last. _His brother, his best friend._ Who was alive and well. _Alive_. Matt's legs shook, and he fell down on the couch, not fully registering what was happening. His heart ached so hard, it almost felt like someone was tearing it apart. A lighting strike coursing through him, as his eyes moistened.

"Holy shit," Luke sniggered, his eyes alight with amusement, his mouth hanging open, clearly enjoying Matt's expression. "I wasn't expecting this. You know...." Susan, who had stood up upon seeing Michael, went towards Luke and smacked his arm, glaring at him until he got the point, and closed his mouth, rubbing at the spot where she had hit him.

Matt heard Luke faintly, he heard Susan admonish him, and even him wince. He saw Michael in front of him, but could not fully register what was happening. He was underwater, all sounds and movement drowned out by the immense pain and confusion raging battle inside him. He saw Michael approach, his steps sure, nimble, as they had always been, but his eyes—his beautiful eyes, so much like Andrew's, he realized, were in pain. Matt had seen those eyes, so many times growing up, he'd always thought he'd never forget them. He'd felt like his memory would retain every little piece of the family he'd found, but.... he'd started to forget. The color of his hair, _was it raven black?_ _Were his eyes more blue than green?_ _Or more green than blue?_ _Did his hand have a scar on his knuckles? Or was his leg that had that awful scar?_ With every year after Michael's death, Matt had forgotten another detail. At first, he'd fought it, clinging with all his might to all his memories, like a precious treasure, but in time....... he'd allowed himself to forget. Because to remember—it only brought more pain. 

That day not only had he lost his brother but also his family and refuge. And it had all been his fault. 

After Michael's death, Matt had drowned his pain and misery in alcohol. He'd left his old life behind.... he'd done everything he could to quench that horrible sense of blame that threatened to swallow him whole. He'd been the one that had convinced Michael to work with Robert after all. He'd told him that Robert was to be trusted, that Matt loved him. And—and that he was paranoid for thinking Robert insane. _God, Matt had gotten mad at Michael every time he brought up how Robert was getting out of control._ Every time he pointed out that another guy may be warming his bed. Matt had even threatened not to talk to him again if he kept that up. And yet—he'd been right all along. He'd found out the truth when he'd seen Robert, splayed out in bed with Ronald on top of him. That tattooed bastard that always followed Robert around, like a lost puppy seeking his master's love. Matt had barged in and punched the guy senseless, and in his rage, he'd told Robert what had happened with Michael. He'd wanted to hurt him, just as much as Matt had been hurting. But in the end........that had been the thing that had caused Matt's life to crumble.

That day, Matt had wanted to apologize, to tell Michael he'd been right all along and to forgive him. Matt had looked for him everywhere but had drawn out short. And then—then he'd heard from some of Robert's men what was going to happen, how they were going to finish Michael. And so Matt had sped through streets and alleys until he'd gotten to that warehouse where he knew Robert conducted most of his international deals. Matt had spied Michael and Robert and everyone else, closing the contract with the Mexican Cartel.

Knowing that barging in would only endanger Michael, Matt had had no choice but to hide and wait until he spied an opening to get Michael to safety. He'd planned to sacrifice himself if necessary. Robert could not shoot one of his own men in front of the Mexican's, no without steering a crossfire that would undoubtedly end in a war between gangs. Which would unavoidably end up with the city bathed in blood. Matt had been devising a way to get Michael to safety when the gunshots had started. He could still hear their roaring bangs as they were fired from both sides of the warehouse. He could still see how Robert's men dived for cover while Michael had been left unprotected. Later on, Matt had found out why the crossfire had started. The crates of drugs Robert was selling to the Mexicans had been filled with powder, baking powder instead of cocaine, and when one of the Mexican's had found out.....all hell had broken loose.

Once he'd come out of his rage, beathed in blood, Matt had cried for his lost brother, his best friend, and confidant. He hadn't even wanted to see the body inside the casket when the service had been held. He had not seen it. It had been too harsh and raw and—empty. He hadn't thought twice about Thomas not allowing them to hold the service with the open casket. But of course, i _f there had been no body to begin with..._

Michael crouched in front of Matt, the whole room submerged in a blurry haze where only the two of them existed. Tears were streaming down his eyes, tainting the edges of his eyes a faint red. Matt wanted to reach out and dry them. He wanted to punch his face senseless, to shout and demand answers all at once. His heart was pounding inside his chest a million beats a second. A thousand birds flocking about, cawing, batting their wings with all their might—and all he wanted to do was set them free. To let them fly and be done with the pain. To bolt from the spot and run, run, run. And not stop until his feet bled and his legs burned. Until every breath hurt. Because to face this—this lie, they had fed him for years...... This contraption they had weaved behind his back—he could not think about that. Suddenly the image of his baby boy popped into his mind once again. He'd kill to have him in his arms right now. To feel that powdery smell that always clung to Joshy. To get one of his sloppy kisses on his cheek, or see that beautiful smile bloom beneath his pacifier. Matt's heart ached at the thought, at the distance that now separated him from his baby boy, his heart.

Michael, unaware of Matt's mental conflict, cautiously placed a trembling hand on Matt's shoulder, and it was all Matt could do not to scream at him. Not to shake him, punch him and demand of him, of them all: _why_ ! Why let him suffer all these years when Michael had been perfectly fine. Matt had been plagued by nightmares for months after that night. He'd recoiled from anyone touching him and had dedicated himself to physical training. To hit the boxing sack until his hands ached and his body was covered in sweat. To lift weights until his body trembled with strain. To feel physical pain instead of that aching hole that seemed to devour all the light around him. Anything to divert his attention from the ragged pieces that had been left of his once full heart. And all of it for what— _a lie_. A fucking lie! Matt's rage surged, a wall of fire spurting from those dying embers, licking at his insides to feed that beast of fire and darkness that lurked inside him.

Matt's blood boiled in his veins, and he snapped, clutching Michael's wrist in an iron grip, not budging even when he saw him wince. And with as much venom as he could muster, asked, "How?" Because that was the only thing, that Matt could— or wanted—to process right now. He needed to know how he had survived, even at Matt's expense. He needed to know if it had been worth it; if he'd thought of Matt, his brother, even once after all these years.

Michael, to his credit, did not flinch at Matt's reaction. He looked down, a stream of never-ending tears running down his cheeks. His throat caught as he pleaded, "I.....I need you to calm down and let me explain"

From the corner of his eye, Matt saw Susan tense up and Luke shift and back down a step. _Good. Be afraid. Be very afraid._ For what they had done. The beast inside Matt leaped from the broken pieces of his heart, landing on the wall of flame, and growled. A piercing shriek that filled his insides. Matt lost it. He lunged, so fast he was a blur of darkness, jumping on top of Michael and pinning his arms to the floor above his head. 

The room stilled, frozen at his sudden outburst of rage. Susan started towards Matt, panic evident on her face. But before she could get any closer, Matt raised a hand towards her and spat, still looking right at Michael, "Don't," and the word was laced with such hatred that she flinched back a step. 

"Matt," Michale pleaded, "I am so sorry." And there was so much pain in his expression that part of Matt wanted to believe him. A small part of him. But a more significant part wanted answers.

"Why?" Matt barked, and this time, Michael did indeed avert his gaze, color coating his moist cheeks. 

Shame, Susan realized, there was shame in his expression. She did not know the details of what had transpired that day years ago but based on Michale's expression...he felt responsible for it.

"I...I wanted to come back to you. To tell you everything, but Thomas.....Robert was breathing down our necks. We suspected that he knew that I never died. Thomas thought it best not to..." Michael trailed off, turning his head towards Matt and locking eyes with him, and whispered, "He wanted to keep you _safe_ ," he spoke those words so softly, as if they were a mantra he'd been repeating to himself for years.

Matt looked at Michael, his friend, his brother. He really wanted to feel relief at seeing him alive, to push past whatever lies they'd fed him and start anew, but........ he could not shake the rage and pain that every look at him brought upon. He clenched his hands harder on Michael's wrists, not caring that it was hurting him. Michael winced as Matt spat," Protect me?" amidst a strangled laugh, his expression feline, "You.....You could have told me! You know damn well that if someone can match up to that bastard, it's me. I nearly went insane when you died!" Matt's eyes were now lined with silver, his breath caught as he added the words that had been etched in fiery letters upon his heart that day, "I lost you, you were dead," a mere whisper.

Michael averted his gaze again, tears now blurring his vision. He did not dare look into the face of the man that had meant so much to him—A hurricane of emotions wreaking havoc inside him. 

Matt saw how still Michael was and released him, his expression guarded, hunted by the demons of his past. He needed air, to get out of this building immediately, or else…He stood up, that clawed monster inside him, cleaving at a wall of grief and broken dreams inside his heart. Dreams of a family he'd had for too little and lost too soon, of a life—a peaceful one, that he'd never have. And so, shoulders sunken, and head lowered, Matt made his way to the door, not turning around to look at his past, now come to hunt him in the form of his brother. 

There was still rage, but an added layer of cold surrounded it as if a heavy fog had settled over him, eating away at the remaining light Matt had been regaining these past months. Part of him knew that if he allowed his anger to take over now…. He'd gladly lose himself to that raging beast and shut down his pain and misery. And that—that he could not live with. And the only thing that was preventing him from snapping right now was the image of his baby boy flashing inside his mind. He wanted to go home and hug him, breathe in his scent, and sigh. To recover some of the warmth he'd lost this morning.

As Matt made his way to the door, he could feel that raging beast inside of him wanting to fight. His muscles on fire, aching, ready—oh so ready to pounce and crush. He ignored it, focusing on the image of Joshy. Long ago, he'd have allowed himself to delve in the pain. To use the adrenaline, the body to body ecstasy of combat to numb his feelings shut. He'd have welcomed the sensation of his fists connecting with someone, something, _hard_. But how to fall prey to his instincts when his enemy was his own family? 

And so, as Matt took another step towards the door, all he saw was the crimson red of Michael's blood on his hands, on his pants and shirt. He could almost taste its bitter tang in the very air. Suddenly, the distance to the door seemed impossible to breach—a vast chasm of pain and desperation cleaving the earth in half. He grunted, closing his hands into fists until his nails ruptured skin, and he felt the blood, sticky and warm, pool. That pain......that pain he welcomed. Anything....anything was better than this brokenness he felt inside.

"Wait!" Michael pleaded, trying to stand up and failing. Angry red marks were blooming to life where his wrists hand been pinned to the floor moments ago.

Matt paused, closing his hands into fists again, drawing some more blood. "Whatever you say now, Michael, tread very carefully," he said, a whisper that somehow filled the room with meaning. Susan was by Michael's side in an instant, trying to help him up. Luke was still against the wall, his face very pale as he slid his phone into his pocket. 

"I wanted to see you," Michael whispered, his words a mere whisper. "Every day, of every year. I.." he managed to stand up with Susan's help and was about to walk towards Matt, when Susan stopped him, looping her arm around his. _Not a good idea to get close to Matt now, seemed to convey her body language._ Michael ignored her and, detangling her arm from his, took a tentative step towards Matt. A rope thrown into the abyss, "I only stayed away...."

"Because you care about your life more than your family," Matt cut in, not turning around, his voice an empty river devoid of life.

Michael flinched at the bite in those words. At the pain and rage he could see in Matt's body. Steeling himself, Michael continued, his voice so low it was a whisper, "because Thomas told me you had a right to start anew. I..." he took another step towards Matt, the rope that had been their relationship still pointing towards Matt, ready to unite them again "I had no right to..."

Matt turned around, and he looked so hurt that everyone in the room tensed. Luke slipped his hand in his pocket and fished for his phone again; Susan noticed and was about to inquire when Matt's booming voice filled the room, freezing them all to the spot.

"You are fucking right!" Matt spat, his hands itching for the purchase of the two-sided knife he used to carry around, "You had no fucking right to make me believe that you were dead all these years. Even if it was my fault and..." and his voice that had been a well of power became a soft hum, devoid of strength. The clawed monster inside him, losing momentum, falling to its knees. Droplets of blood fell from Matts's hands, and he was all too aware of the sticky feeling it left behind, and the face he must be making right now, but-----he did not care. He was a broken shell devoid of life. A carcass that could only destroy everything it touched.

Upon seeing the blood drip from Matt's hands, Michael closed the distance that separated them, reaching for Matt's hand tentatively, as if afraid he'd flinch away, "Listen to me," he said, an edge to his voice, "You were not responsible for what happened. Robert wanted me death all along. "He swallowed, a lump forming in his throat, and added, "Thomas helped me but under one condition. He told me that I could not contact you anymore. I had to appear dead for all intents and purposes." 

Angry tears slipped down Matt's face as he shook Michael's hand away. Michale retreated a couple of steps at that, hurt crossing his eyes. Matt, shivering slightly, looked down to where his blood had fallen, and spat, "I was the one that persuaded you to take the fucking job. You were right!" And there it was, the guilt, the shame for what he'd done. The piece of information he'd kept locked within himself all these years. For it had always been his fault. Matt had been the one to do the dirty work for Robert, the one people were afraid of when they heard Robert's name. It had never been Robert, though merciless and cunning, had never held a candle to Matt. He had thought Michael would be safe doing business with them for that very reason. Matt could protect him. But in the end, Matt had not been able to protect Michael. _His family._ And so that day, he'd realized that maybe.....maybe he did not deserve a family. Maybe there was something wrong with him. After all, he had been a monster that night. He had not been able to stop; the only thing that had kept him moving, even through the numerous wounds he'd received, was the rage he'd felt inside, and his thirst for blood. There had been a gaping black hole peering at the world through Matt's eyes. And the only thing that had been able to fill it had been revenge. And so it had been sweat and blood, and the warm sweet movement of his muscles as he fought and fought. Until his blade became an extension of him, and its very song rang in his bones. In the end, he'd been the only one standing. He'd beat most of them, but some of them-----some had fled, including Robert.

If only he'd found Michael sooner, "I looked for you everywhere, I wanted to tell you, you were right," Matt drawled, looking at the floor—his body trembling. The scar on his chest throbbed as if it too could remember what had happened that day. How Ronald's knife had sliced through his skin in a desperate attempt to stop Matt from killing Robert. He would have done it—kill Robert. That day there had been very little of the man and a lot of the beast. He'd moved wholly by instinct; he'd been a blade honed to kill. And nothing would have stopped him.

"I beat Robert down. I almost killed him that day....." he'd gone berserk, had lost all sense of himself, and had allowed that thing of dark and broken edges to prowl the city. But in the end, Robert had escaped with Ronald's help. There had been a sound on the other end of the warehouse. One of the Mexican guys had been hiding behind a crate. That had been enough for Ronald to attack Matt and leave an opening for Robert to flee. He still remembered the deafening sound of screams, the pleading for mercy, their blood mixed with other fluids, and how deep his rage had run. Nothing had worked.....Matt had kept at it until no one had been standing. Until his every breath had hurt from the exertion-----It had been then, and only then when he'd exited the warehouse, running under the rain until he'd collapsed inside his apartment, a puddle of blood marring the floors where he laid.

Michael placed his hands on Matt's cheeks, the warmth of his skin sending a wave of electricity through Matt's body. Fat tears were sliding down his cheeks, twin rivers of desperation running loose. 

"Listen to me," Michael said, his voice quivering, but his eyes, his eyes were alight—living torches of determination marking the path home," It was never your fault. Robert had planned to kill me long before that day. He's the one who sent Maribell to beat me down when we were kids. He's been trying to hog you for himself since the beginning. If it hadn't been that day, it would have been some other day, in some other way." 

Matt winced at the truth he recognized in those words. He still remembered the old woman with the crowbar advancing towards Michael when they were kids. How she'd beat him senseless while Matt hid inside a cupboard, too shocked to act. He remembered how she had threatened Michael to do worse if he so much as hinted what had happened to Thomas. The woman...... she'd been wrapped around Robert's little finger, but.....but to think Robert would have stooped that low. 

Michael was looking at Matt with the intensity of those who long for what they have lost. Blazing twin fires shimmering in his eyes. And it was so tantalizing that for a moment, Matt got lost in them. He got lost in the vast, rich pool of emerald that had been so familiar to him long ago. In those memories he'd kept locked inside himself for so long, and that now fought for release. Matt could tell Michael was reliving those memories too. Looking into Michael's eyes, they sparkled with the light of a thousand memories shared between them. As if unconsciously, Matt placed a hand on Michael's chest. His breath caught when he felt the steady heartbeat pumping blood beneath, and suddenly, a well of fire ignited within himself. It almost felt as if they were under a spell, the room, the events of this week...all forgotten as friend met friend under the eerie glow of nostalgia, that frayed rope of friendships and memories long past now tied in a loose knot inside Matt's heart.

It had been a bleak day when Matt had lost him. The starts had lost their shine and the sun its brilliance. For so long, he'd wanted to have him back, to tell him all the things that were left unsaid, and yet now that he was in front of him—alive and well, Matt could not shake the rage and guilt that were threatening to engulf him.

"I'm sorry for what I did," Michael whispered, "For what its worth I.......I would have rattled the stars for you. I would have defied Robert and all his gang if I knew you would have been safe." 

Matt removed his hand from Michael's chest and placed it on top of Michael's, pressing it down against his own cheek. 

Michael's muscles were still tense, but he dare not move. Not when he could feel Matt's warm and rough hand pressed against his, that familiar soft breath caressing his skin. "I'm so sorry," Michael repeated, leaning in the rest of the way to rest his forehead against Matt's. 

They stood like that for a second, everything around them melting away. As kids, when things had gotten to be too much for them, they'd always sneak out. Matt, who had always been a very restless child, had been prone to rage. More than once, Michael had had to stop him from "avenging" one of their friends when they got hurt. And in those moments, when all Matt saw was red, Michael would just lean into him, press their foreheads together, and try to get him to breathe back to the rhythm. _Their rhythm._ Until their heartbeats synchronized. And so forehead to forehead they stood, twin rivers of salty tears merging together as they found that peaceful place where only love dwelled.

"I'm sorry too," Matt whispered, his voice hoarse, for those were the words he'd wanted to say on his funeral but hadn't been able to. Matt had honestly believed he did not deserve the peace; he had to suffer for his part in what had happened to Michael, and so he'd kept those words to himself. He'd found another way to redeem himself, to earn some of Michael's forgiveness. Matt had always been a man of action and not of words, so he'd gone to Thomas. Had accepted his offer to get into law, catch bad people, and, most importantly, Robert. So nobody had to suffer what he had at the hands of greed and evil.

Michael threw his arms around him and leaned into the warm, strong wall that was Matt. Matt tensed for a second. When Michael found his voice again, he whispered, "I missed you so much," words were not enough to describe it. He felt Matt tense at the words, at the rawness, the longing in his voice...

A cough behind them broke their moment. Matt sighed and took a step back, detangling Michael's arms from around his neck and staring Luke down over Michael's shoulder, "I may need some time to..." he drawled, not wanting to say what was already so obvious.

Michael got the gist and stepped back, drying his tears with his hand, "Yeah, I...." He'd had the words rehearsed for the moment when he'd meet Matt again, but....standing in front of him...felt like being at the very edge of a ravine, the harsh wind wiping at his back, balancing him precariously over the line. 

Susan took a tentative step forward, her eyes trained on Matt. _An offer and a question._ Matt looked at her from behind Michael's frame. At the tears that were marring her cheeks, and her trembling hands, and nodded. Susan let out a huge exhale, some of the tension leaving her shoulders. So sitting down on the couch, with a shaky voice layered in emotion, she offered, "Everyone, please take a seat. We have a lot to discuss."

………………………………

Andrew eyed the piece of paper posted on the fridge skeptically and groaned. Matt's precise and neat handwriting was not what had surprised him; it was the detailed, step-by-step explanation on how to prepare Joshy's bottle. Andrew removed the magnet that held the paper and clutched the instructions in his hands. _He was going to be able to do this, right?_ C'mon! _It couldn't be that hard._ Andrew had never been the best cook in the world, but surely making something as simple as a bottle would not be out of his league.

He opened the fridge and got the milk out, the white liquid swirling inside the glass jar with the movement. _Okay, I can do this_ , he thought as he ambled towards the counter, glass jar in hand. He placed the milk in front of him and eyed the second step on the list. _"Wash your hands thoroughly"_ Andrew rolled his eyes. _Of course_ , he thought. Once steps one and two were completed, Andrew went on to step three, " _pour the milk into a cup and warm it up inside the microwave to the exact temperature"_ Andrew placed the cup full of milk in front of the strange-looking microwave. It was a black and shiny machine that looked as if a new addition to the kitchen. But then again, the whole place looked pretty new to Andrew, so... he tried opening it as he would any regular microwave, but to no avail. The thing looked designed for the future. The one Andrew was used to was simple, numbers to one side, a start button below. A regular microwave had numbers, this thing had seven rows of images with small text written in Japanese beneath each one. There was a red button to the bottom right corner, and a green one to the left one, both faintly illuminated from within.

Andrew prodded at the side of the microwave, trying to find a way to open it. When it didn't, he cursed aloud, admonishing himself when he remembered that Joshy was in the living room and could, indeed, hear him. He tried again. Logically, Matt should have added instructions to opening this weird contraption on his _"annoyingly detailed list," but of course_...... After five minutes of trying to open the damn thing, finally, Andrew pressed a button, and the door opened with a faint click. Soft yellow light lit up once the door was ajar, winking at him, and Andrew seriously debated how much it would enrage Matt if he subtly threw the thing over the house's outer wall. 

He admonished himself yet again, glaring at the microwave. Now that Joshy had warmed up to him being in the room, he wanted to be civilized and not fuck it. So breathing in deeply, he placed the cup on the glass platter and closed the door. Now the problem that arose was how to quote, " _Warm up the milk until it's at the right temperature. It has to be 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit"_ Andrew had no idea how to work this microwave, let alone set a timer or check the temperature.

............................................

Twenty minutes later and seven bottles after, Andrew marched into the living room, scornfully eyeing the bottle clutched in his right hand.

Joshy looked up from where he was cuddling with Eddy on the floor. His sight trained on the bottle. The milk was oozing from the cap, as if the lid had not been properly closed, and it looked like the thing was scalding hot, if the faint steam wafting upwards was any indication. 

Joshy tilted his head to the side, eyed the bottle skeptically, and blinked.

Andrew blinked.

Joshy blinked, his pacifier bobbing some.

Andrew, knowing what his best friend was thinking, rolled his eyes, "what? I did try my best. The microwave is weird here."

Joshy blinked again and, looking right at Andrew, laughed. First, it was a muffled giggle, but soon it became a fit as Joshy started pounding his fists against the floor, laughing hysterically. 

"What?" Andrew asked, fighting to keep his smile hidden, the hot bottle still clutched in his hand.

"You looked at the baba like you were gonna fight it to death," Joshy said in between giggles, now clutching eddy tightly against his chest. Tears pooling in his eyes.

That sound........that sound was like music to Andrew's ears. Joshy hadn't laughed like that in a long....long time. It was a soft melody Andrew had started to forget. Still, he had to play it cool and not give away how much he loved it...he needed to avoid making Joshy feel self-conscious, especially now that the waters were still untested.

Andrew pouted, "Not true." When Joshy continued laughing at him, a mischievous idea crossed Andrew's mind; he closed the distance between them, crouched in front of him, and as he set the bottle down on the floor, proclaimed, a devilish grin lighting his features, "I'll give you something to laugh about." 

Joshy looked up, his eyes glazed with laughter sparkled under the soft afternoon light. For a moment, he did not understand what Andrew was hinting at......until...... Andrew started tickling Joshy all over.

Joshy could not stop giggling, "Andy…stop!" he whined, pounding Andrew's chest with his fists. Andrew did not relent and continued, enjoying every second of it. That devilish smirk still grazing his features and a sort of gleam shining in his eyes. 

"Are you gonna laugh at my bottle making skills again?" 

"Nooo," Joshy giggled, his hand pressed against Andrew's chest to stave off any further attacks. Now Andrew was on top of him, his arms braced at both Joshy's sides. 

For a moment, everything froze, as deep emerald stared into turquoise blue. Andrew got lost one more time into his best friend's beautiful features, now slightly flushed with laughter. He had always wondered how he'd gotten so lucky to have found a friend as good as Joshy. How amidst the darkness that had been his life, he'd been able to spot a single beam of light—a beam of light that had ended up lighting everything up, driving most of the shadows away.

Joshy stared into Andrew's eyes. The color was so pretty,..... vibrant and full of life and something else he couldn't quite place. Andrew shifted a bit, and suddenly, Joshy realized how close they were, how Andrew's biceps, corded with muscle, stood poised at both his sides, two stone pillars locking him inside a prison of strength and power. Joshy flushed, averting his gaze, and whishing Eddy were close to hide his face against his fur.

Andrew saw Joshy avert his gaze, and snapped back, scrambling back up, bottle again in his hand. "Here you go," he said, extending the arm with the bottle towards Joshy, a furious crimson coloring his cheeks. 

Joshy sat down, looked up at Andrew, and pouted, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"I know it's not very well done, but.." before Andrew could finish, Joshy pointed towards him, his cheeks flushed, eyes now looking downward. _It almost felt like.....like he wanted...._ " Oh," Andrew gasped.

"I...." Andrew staggered, shifting on his feet, "Okay, mmmm" he moved to the couch and sat down, feeling a strange thrum of excitement run through him. He was about to pat on his side to signal Joshy to come sit when Joshy clambered on top of him, resting his head on Andrew's lap and scrunching his eyes shut—A furious red coating his cheeks.

Andrew had never felt the warmth that started in his very core at the unexpected events. Matt had told him that when Joshy opened up to him, he'd be more himself, and he'd act the part of a baby. Andrew had seen it; he'd sneaked a pick yesterday from Matt's kitchen, but to actually have Joshy behave like this in front of him....it was almost as if Joshy was allowing the walls around him to fall. And somehow, the idea made Andrew giddy.

Andrew, trying with all his might to act natural, clutched the bottle with his right hand and shifted on the couch, trying to get into a more comfortable position. Then he cradled Joshy's head with his left arm, and, inhaling loudly, he slowly removed Joshy's pacifier. At first, Joshy clung to it, sucking harder on the teat to create suction, thus preventing it from exiting his lips, but after a second, Andrew managed to remove it, placing the nub of the bottle to Joshy's lips in one smooth motion when he saw him scrunch his face. Joshy latched on, and slowly....so very slowly, started sucking, his eyes closed shut, Eddy back on his hands.

Andrew could not avoid marveling at the sight in front of him, at the full cheeks as they filled up with milk, at the drops of milk that dribbled from Joshy's lips, at that beautiful soft skin that looked just a little too perfect. Andrew had never felt like this warmth; It was such an intimate moment. His heart swelled with emotion, a tingling feeling running through his body, igniting a pool of desire in his very core. Andrew had always wondered what it felt like to have a love so strong it could move mountains. Knowing without a hint of a doubt that someone other than his mother and sister would always be there for him. Now, looking at Joshy’s relaxed expression, he realized he’d always had it, and he could not believe how much he loved it. His heart swelled, Joshy was really opening himself up to him, and that meant that they were going to be okay.

Andrew had always thought that looking at Josh felt like gazing into the summer sun painting the sky in its golden tones. It was always warm, light, fuzzy, and incredibly intoxicating. And that feeling———that feeling only intensified the more he discovered about Joshy. He wanted to tell Joshy how he felt deep inside, how sometimes his breath caught when he stared into his deep blue eyes; how the tone of his voice could make his skin ignite wherever they were, how every little touch of his made him want to cry and laugh and smile at the same time , but....... _but Andrew was a coward_ . The mere thought of rejection, of losing the bright sun that had always warmed his life scared Andrew to death. And so staring and longing it was. Even if his heart ached so bad, sometimes he thought it'd break. Even if the wanting, the needing felt unbearable sometimes. _He'd endure_ . _Somehow_ . Because _...Close. Being close to Josh was all Andrew deserved. It had been enough for years, it was enough now_ —it had to be enough.

………….

Half an hour later, found Joshy sleeping peacefully, his head still cradled in Andrew's lap. Andrew smiled down at him. It was an incredible thing that Joshy could feel so comfortable around him that he'd fall asleep on his lap. Andrew could not help but marvel at how cute his best friend looked. Joshy stirred, and Andrew's breath caught, but it resumed when the little boy curled his hands on Andrew's shirt in his sleep, mumbling some gibberish. Andrew chuckled softly, patting Joshy's hair with his right hand softly. _Yes, this was not so bad, he thought,_ even if Joshy never knew the truth about the depth of Andrew's feelings for him, at least they'd always have these moments. With that thought, Andrews's eyelids started weighing down, a yawn escaping from his mouth. He did not sleep very well last night, and today had been so draining.... He placed a protective hand to Joshy's cheek, marveling at the softness of his skin. Everything still felt like a dream, a mirage his exhausted mind had conjured to lift the veil of shadows that had recently settled over his life. He was scared of falling asleep to wake up and realize that everything had been a dream, and Joshy still didn't know that Andrew was aware of everything. But most of all he was scared of waking up and realizing that their friendship was still hanging on by a thread. These past month had felt like trying to walk on eggshells whitout breaking them, and Andrew did not want to go back to that.

Andrew stiffled a yawn with his hand, the lack of sleep and exhaustion from the day's activities were winning the battle. He jjst had to keep awake a little longer. Enjoy Joshy's sleepying face and commit it to memory. Trying to get more comfy, Andrew leaned his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes for a second. _Just one second to recover some strength,_ he told himself. So, still seated, his head lolling to the side, Andrew fell asleep, his right hand still grazing his best friends cheek, a contented smile painted on his lips. 

Joshy stirred some when his pillow shifted wildly, and cracked his eyes opened a fraction, sleep still very much holding a tight grip on him. "Addy," he mumbled, his voice thick with exhaustion. Andrew stirred again, waving his arms in the air as if to fend off against some invisible attack. Strange gibberish coming out of his mouth. Joshy clutched Eddy harder, "Adew," he mumbled, his hand reaching for Andrew's shirt. He grabbed the soft fabric with a weak fist and scooted closer towards Andrew's tummy. When Andrew trashed again in his sleep, Joshy, sluggishly, removed his pacifier from his mouth and reached for Andrew's mouth. Andrew, surprisingly, took to it immediately and started sucking, his body relaxing to the peaceful rhythm. Joshy sighed, and drinking in Andrew's warmth, placed his thumb in his mouth, allowing the gentle waters of sleep to lull him to sleep once again. A small smile gracing his lips.

……………..

Matt pulled into his street, the faint yellow lights lining both sides of the road welcoming him back to his safe haven. The day had been hard, but at least he'd found out why Thomas had been acting so strangely. It had been a long discussion the one that had ensued after Matt's bout of rage had subsided. Susan apparently knew Thomas had something else on Robert. Something big enough that could actually end him, Thomas had told her his plan was in motion already, but of course......he had not revealed what it was, claiming it to be quote _"too dangerous."_ So their best bet would be to check Thomas's house, but not today....Matt would get to it after a full night of sleep and a never ending session of cuddles with his personal professional cuddler. A smile bloomed on his face at the thought. Matt's head still felt like a volcano was exploding inside and his heart......the aching had not stopped, not even for a moment. To think that Michael was alive...after everything that had happened, a ball curled in Matt's stomach, his lungs depleting of all air. Matt opened his window to let in the fresh air and stopped the car in front of the outer door. A black Suv parked along the outer line of Matt's house started up, the soft purr of its engine, snapping Matt's attention back from his thoughts. It was odd, people in the neighborhood tended to park their cars in their garage unless it was a visit...but at these hours...Matt's headache gained momentum, and he pressed his hand against his forehead, letting out a huge sigh.

When the world stopped whirling, he looked back, the car was already gone. _His exhaustion was probably to blame,_ he thought. He needed a good night's sleep and a major dose of cuddles form his baby. Matt pulled into his driveway and closed the gate behind him, the resolute thud of the gate closing, lifting some of the weight off his shoulders. An added layer between him, his family and the world.

..........................

The soft murmur of the Tv greeted Matt when he opened the garage door. As he padded down the hall towards that sound, Matt could not stop the constant thrum of thoughts battling for attention inside his head. He sighed, _everything would work out in the end, he just had to keep a cold head, and not allow his emotions to run rampant._ As Matt neared the double doors that led to the living room, one thought gained strength above all others, his baby. He'd probably be asleep, but cuddling with him right now was a must. He threw the doors open....a blooming smile settled on his features as he beheld the scene in front of him. Andrew, the same raging kid who'd barged into his house not too long ago, was cuddling....actually cuddling in the couch with Joshy, both of them asleep. Joshy's pacifier was in Andrew's mouth, the boy was sucking on it peacfully, and somehow, the whole image was so cute, it almost drove away all the shadows of the day. A vast molten pit of fire started in Matt's core, spreading throughout and warming him whole. 

Matt padded towards the couch and knelt down, placing a soft kiss to his baby's hair. Joshy stirred a little and let out a contented sigh, the motion made Andrew scrunch his face and shift slightly, his arm draped over Joshy's shoulders in a protective stance. Matt chuckled at how overprotecting Andrew could be, even in sleep .

Suddenly Andrew shifted some more and cracked his eyes open. He lifted his head, looking around the room in confusion until his sleepy gaze focused on Matt.....and Matt had to gather every ounce of self-control he possessed not to beam at how adorable he looked. Under other circumstances, Matt would have picked him up and showered a million kisses on him, but he was pretty sure Andrew would not welcome that. And since he did not want to have his face clawed off by a _kitten_ , he restrained himself.

Andrew stirred, his eyes cracking open a fraction. H _ad he fallen asleep?_ He looked around and...Matt was back, and there was a weird rubbery feeling in his mouth he did not recognize. _What was it_? he thought as he nudged it with his hand and...... Andrew went scarlet when he realized he had been sucking on Joshy's pacifier. "I.....this," he stuttered.

Matt instantly placed a finger to Andrew's lips, successfully hushing him, and pointed with his head towards Joshy, still asleep by Andrew's side. Andrew's eyes followed Matt's direction, his expression softening some at the sight. When Matt was sure Andrew was not going to wake Joshy, he picked his baby up and took in his scent. Baby powder and vanila appeasing his overworked nerves. Even if the day had been a nigthmare with clouds shadowing all light, he felt like everything would be okay just as long as he had his baby boy with him.

Andrew removed the pacifier from his mouth and, looking downward, offered it to Matt, his hand shaking. He had no idea how the pacifier had ended in his mouth, but he sure as fuck wanted to make sure Matt knew nothing weird had happened. He looked up, Johsy's head was propped against Matt's shoulder, his hand, somehow, still clinging to the soft brown teddy bear he'd had with him all day. In a way, it was the most beautiful image Andrew had seen today. Joshy looked so peacful and still, his hands loosely wraped around matt's frame. Matt was supporting all the weight and Joshy trusted him completely, Andrew was sure of that. He'd never seen his best friend so....so ungarded and content. A smile bloomed in Andrew's face at the thought, even if a small twinge rippled in his heart. _He'd get there_ , Andrew knew. _One day he'd make Joshy feel happy and safe too_. At least he hoped so.

Matt smiled at Andrew, and took the pacifier, gently pressing it to Joshy's lips until he latched on, a content smile blooming on his face at the sight. Before moving any farther, not wanting to leave Andrew alone, he mouthed, "I'll be down in a second," Andrew nodded, his gaze trained on the floor, an angry flush painting his his cheeks red. 

_Yes, everything will work out in the end_ , Matt thought as he carried his baby boy up the stairs towards his room. Joshy's comforting weight and scent intoning a melody of love that filled Matt's heart to the brim. 


	14. ANNOUNCEMENT💖

Hey guys!!! 

Im sorry for the long wait!!! I was asked not to disclose anything yet, but i’d feel bad if i didn’t tell you guys. This book has been a wild ride, I feel like it's a way to show a different side of love and how healing abdl can be. I wanted to bring smiles to people's faces and make a story that has abdl but also other elements. And I can’t thank you guys enough for picking this story up and reading it. It makes me so so happy to know that there's people who actually like it, I can't describe it. Im already finishing the story, but i can’t post the rest of the chapters yet. The thing is, after receiving lots of messages on diaper-bois( where I also post it) encouraging me to try and publish it (self publish) I reached out to a publishing house that works with this kind of stories exclusively( they publish mainly abdl ) and we are getting this story published. Im working on finishing the chapters and we’ll start editing very soon. Once its done i’ll post the link to their page here and it will be available on amazon (kindle) and their page. Im working as fast as I can to finish it soon. And whether it gets published or not depends on the finale, but I'm crossing my fingers. Anyways thanks a lot for reading and spending some time with Josh and Andrew , and the rest of them. I really appreciate the kudos and comments. 

Again, thanks a lot!!! I will keep you all updated and I won't remove these chapters. I hope you all support the book when it comes out. 

Lots of love,

Nami Dragneel💕❤️


End file.
